my brain is flooded and my thoughts are crowded

 I need to get a lot of things out of my system but I don't know how. I don't know why things happen and turned out the way it did and all I can think of are the adults who are at fault on so many levels. Why? 

The main theme that's been going on throughout this past few months are youths who are neglected by the adults who should be protecting them but failed. Now, the kids will suffer.  If you don't give a shit about your kids, you shouldn't have them. Period. 

I was dealing with teens on bikes without helmets and getting into collisions. FUCK. I am still suffering from the traumatic account,having to witness such stupidity that occured with seconds. FUCK.

And then, recently......the whole shit showdown with the school.....my kids are in the damn school. It's supposed to be a good school. Fuck all of your reputation and standards. Kids are injured and kids are being neglected because the fucking adults could not make proper decisions in trying to get the fucking situation under control. I blame the adults. ALL OF THEM.

The right call could have been made. What if someone died? What if the injuries are incurable? What kind of moron would try to fucking sweep shit like this under the rug? The adults are at fault. They always are. These are underage kids we're talking about. Yes, they should know right from wrong but someone HAS TO TEACH THEM. They aren't robots you can just update with new programs.

You wanna talk about corruption? This is fucking IT! They should all burn down and fucking go to hell. The kids are suffering because of these fucking adults.

I wrote this song with Shu in mind❤️

 

I love you so much, baby 😘

Shu introduced me to this band.....and now....I can't stop listening to them.....

 Full of color on the outside

But I only see in black and white
I'm desperate for some light in the corners of my mind
Having hope but not enough
Reaching out to find no one
Am I the only soul to have lost all control?

It gets hard to breathe
Stuck in between on what has become my fake reality
And there's no escape from the voice in my head
It's driving me crazy!

Nobody understands
My sanity's not going to last
And I'll smile on through the night
Everyone will think I'm alright
But nobody knows what I'm dragging along
When I'm alone
When I'm alone

I'm about to tear off this page
But it's something I can't erase

I wish I could rewrite the story of my life
What I hide every day behind the mask there's pain
They say I'm not alone
But do they even know?

It gets hard to breathe
Stuck in between on what has become my fake reality
And there's no escape from the voice in my head
It's driving me crazy!

Nobody understands
My sanity's not going to last
And I'll smile on through the night
Everyone will think I'm alright
But nobody knows what I'm dragging along
When I'm alone

Nobody understands
My sanity's not going to last
And I'll smile on through the night
Everyone will think I'm alright
But nobody knows what I'm dragging along
When I'm alone

And every day I'll try
To keep my feelings hidden inside
But nobody knows 'bout the hole in my soul
When I'm alone
When I'm alone

you know how when you witnessed something......

 .......and it haunts you a litte?

Well, something happened today. As we were on our way home from getting the kids from school, there was a motorbike in front of us with 2 school boys on it and there was a car ahead of them. The car ahead of them was slowing down and these 2 boys must have been surprised by the sudden stop so they swerved to the side to avoid it as a reaction, they collided head on with another boy on a motorbike.

I witnessed all 3 of the boys flying off their bikes and to make it worse, neither of them were wearing helmets. I was in so much shock as we pulled over, one kid was bleeding so much in the head, the other 2 kids were walking but had severe memory lost. We waited for the ambulance and so many people stopped by to help,we drove one of the boys to a nearby clinic to get immediate medical help while the other 2 boys waited with some people for the ambulance.

I was in so much shock and I was constantly praying so hard for the boys to be ok. They must be about 16 years old. I was just telling Shu this morning that the kids from the secondary school nearby has a lot of kids going to school on motorbikes and none of them bother to wear helmets whatsoever.

I am still a little shaken from witnessing the whole thing and I will never forget their faces. I was crying a little as I waited for Shu at the clinic when he took that boy in. I was praying so hard for them to be ok. I hope they are ok. I told the boy who wasn't as injured to call his parents coz he was walking around like he was trying to figure out what to do. 

5 hotels in 2 weeks

 We were stranded in KL/Selangor for about 2 weeks. It was supposed to be us heading down there for Hari Raya. It was supposed to be 1 week tops and in was like an in and out situation like most Hari Rayas are.......but no this time. Nope.

We headed there during Ramadan and joined in Shu's family for a buka puasa sesh. From there, Safiyya got sick, she picked up the Influenza B. Fuck population density, right? We were doing just fine before heading over there coz we've been at home the whole month through.

Anywho, Influenza B sucks like shit. Safiyya got sick and we immediately moved into a hotel to isolate her from Shu's parents. I got sick right after that. I spent most of my quarantine days in DoubleTree Putrajaya coz that was our home for about a week.

To make it worse, we had a Legoland trip planned just as well. Let me tell you how fucked up the southbound trip this time around. We were getting sick one person at a time and we were heading south.

I couldn't stand being among so many people so we spent a night in Legoland hotel and then we moved to a hotel in JB. I swear to God, i have no idea wtf was going on but none of the shops were opened late enough for us to have a decent meal. Mind you, we have been throwing up so much at this point and i was actually at the hospital on drips for at least an hour.

The fucking drive back to Selangor/KL was so fucked up, we spent 7 hours on the road. It usually takes us 3 hours tops to get to KL from JB. Something was definitely up. I do NOT wanna go south anytime soon. No thank you.

We ended up back in Putrajaya that night after the long ass drive. We spent 2 nights in Moxy hotel. It was kinda nice but not the kind of hotel I would like to spend so much time at. The mall access was very convenient but when you are half ass trynna recover and there are so many people, shopping becomes a little challenging.

We finally decided to leave KL for good and drove home. I didn't have a Hari Raya at all coz i was quarantined for most of the trip. I saw Shu's parents on the 3rd day of Raya I think, and I saw my parents just before leaving for home. My mom was crying, thinking that I left without seeing her. I swear to God, this time around made us all miss home so damn much.

We don't wanna leave home. Not yet. I miss my usual coffee shops and routines.

kakak Eeno

 I swear to God, meeting Shu's KYSer friend(s) will always be funny coz I first met Shu when we were 16, he had just come back from playing tennis with his dorm mate,Asai. And the fact that we met him at for a drink the other night in Melawati, he just looked at Shu and I and said "Yeah, aku tau......ko kawen dengan kakak Eeno....."

I never thought I would ever hear that nickname again. Eeno, my brother, was Shu's dorm mate and junior. It was just funny coz we would have never met if Eeno wasn't in that boarding school. I also can never get over how I sang Michelle Branch's All You Wanted at Shu's school hall one night and it was his birthday......

the big 4

 So........I'm 40 today........😂 It feels so funny saying that out loud coz......I'll be honest, I never expected to live this long.......also.......I feel like I am still the teenager who is still so eager and curious about so many things. I've been trying to do as many new things as possible in the last couple of years. It's like me trying to fulfill my bucket list.....sort of. So far, I think I've done quite a lot. I still have a lot more things to try and learn.

I decided to slow down on working out too much. In fact, I haven't been doing so much HIIT workouts as I used to do. Not anymore. I think I'm gonna start doing more cardio. I've also been learning a lot of digital art in the last couple of months. I've been trying to learn coding but I think I need to clear up my head space for that.

Oh yeah, I've been writing a lot. Songs mostly. It's so liberating to be able to write songs again after so long. I started a Japanese music channel too called Eternal Hearts........coz......me and Japanese had always been inseparable.......So, Designated Chaos is my main channel and I have Eternal Hearts on the side. It's not as well received as Designated Chaos coz of the language, I think......but it doesn't matter. Not everyone listens to every music genre out there anyways.

I need to finish up at least 2 of my books.........coz I haven't been in the right headspace..........I need to get my ass into the sea coz I think it's been a hot minute since we last had an island trip. The last monsoon season sucked coz it barely rained. We were expecting a lot more rain pour but......oh well.....

This morning, Shu got me the wrap I have recently began liking from Family Mart and we spent the morning having coffee and breakfast by the beach. I wouldn't have it any other way.