So brown eyes, I'll hold you near, 'Cause you're the only song I want to hear

 A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

My sister and Simon visited last weekend. They brought Hamza and Suhaila with them and the kids had a blast playing with their cousins. They haven't seen each other in such a long time. It's always been on video calls and it's just not the same.

My sister was telling me about the therapy she's been going to and how it's turning out. It's not hypnosis but it's like alternative healing. She said that growing up, all of us had been instilled with so much fear that it has become muscle memory and that at any point we came across a situation we needed to confront something that somewhat triggers a memory from the past, we'd react in a certain way. She said it could also be like sickness............

I dunno about those things but I feel at peace with myself and everyone around me these days. I don't want things to change only to make me go back to a place where I don't wanna be anymore. The only thing we can't seem to change at least not immediately is helping our brothers.

I have 4 brothers and they are stuck in a place whereby they need to grow up and experience life but my parents are not allowing them to leave. It's really bad for their mental and overall development especially into adulthood. They have plans to move out and get married and call their own shots but my parents (especially my mum) is not allowing them to do so.

I wasn't kidding when I said I grew up with a mom who constantly wanted to make decisions for me. Even when I was supposed to go out on a date with Shu back when we were 16, she'd be the one to tell me the moment I get home from school that I was going on a date with Shu at the mall and that she'd send us there. She was constantly pestering me about not having a social life and a boyfriend the moment I started secondary school. She's been pushing me to do my degree and become a lecturer which I never became one coz I want to call my own shots.

I purposely missed my convocation coz I just didn't want to go............

She's still annoyed with the fact that I have a bachelor's degree and I am not making any effort to pursuing my studies or just lecturing today.

She'd get involved in everyone's life,like literally.

Well,I have no idea why I come across people like her a lot in my life. Why are you not married? Why are you not pregnant? Why don't you have more kids? Why are you not working? Why are you working? Who's gonna take care of your kids?

Shu and I have this annoyance towards people who are pessimistic about anything,really. If you have so much money,shouldn't you help the people who need money?

Firstly,we don't tell people everytime we help anyone in anyway.

Secondly, Shu worked really hard for everything that we have. We both made sacrifices that people don't know about to get us to where we are. If you need advise,we are more than willing to help you out. We help whenever and where ever we can.........but you really need to stop pestering and freeloading. 

Shu was telling me about this group of people of just asks for free things with no remorse or shame. We had our down times when we had nothing but we didn't ask for free stuff. We picked ourselves up and worked on a different path with lessons learned. We should never encourage people to just ask for whatever and give them what ever they want or possibly need.

There had been several occasions whereby I come across elderly people whom should be at home resting but instead are working several jobs to make ends meet. They'd have a day job and then they'd do odd jobs in the evening like washing dishes at restaurants or trash can diving for aluminium cans and plastic bottles to be recycled. They are not begging. They are not asking for money from anyone. They are working several jobs.

We've been there too. Shu's worked several jobs for many years and now he is able to slow down a little and take time off.

I have been waiting for this.......

 And we finally got to watch it.......... And my heart went........... And Ejen Karya......... And General Rama........ And Rahul, Rajesh and Razman......... And then Nikki and gang.......... And then Ejen Ridzwan and Dos........... And Ali used his mom's gasing weapon in the end!!!!!!.......... Ejen Hisham needs more airtime! 

Durch den Monsun

 We made it! There and back again! Hahahaha!

I am so happy we decided to go back to Terengganu during the monsoon season coz I really wanted the kids to experience monsoon season. The first time I ever stepped foot in Terengganu all those years ago was during monsoon season and I loved it so damn much! It's been a while since it poured this way during monsoon.............I had plans to stop by at a coffee shop over in Kemaman (Coffeedential) but that was a no go coz the flood was quite bad and about 7000 people were relocated due to the flood......... :-(

The kids enjoyed their time with Shu's dad who took them on the scooter along the beach near the house. Ali Imran really enjoyed himself and everyday the kids begged to go to the beach. We arrived on Saturday. Late coz we took our time to drive. Shu discovered a coffee shop (Kedai Koffie) along the way so we stopped to grab a cup of coffee and headed off to Shu's parents' house.

Got up super early on Sunday morning coz Shu planned to catch the sunrise and had breakfast or picnic but Mr Sun never showed up and we ended up driving along the beach over at Seberang Takir Miami Beach. We hungout and took photos (which I will update in this post later coz pix are in my phone) We ended up having breakfast near the airport area at a place called Warung Ibu. I had my morning coffee and the food was awesome! Later,we went home and showered and freshen up. Shu,Safiyya and I headed over to the Bus Station in town. We were looking for band tee shirts but most shops had already closed down for good and the shops that were opened hardly had any band tees........I kinda feel like I already knew this but for some strange reason I forgot......... :-/

It got pretty cold when it rained at night. I remember us going out to do laundry at one of those self service laundry places and I swear I was in my fleece pyjama top coz it was cold. Shu got us Ejen Ali comics and cards to keep us occupied while waiting. Yes, me included ^_^ He got me the one with the holographic Ejen Karya pack <3

Monday was fun. We hungout at the beach again in the morning. Took more photos and the kids wanted to get into the sand so we let them. I hae to remember to always have a trash bag with me whenever we go to the beach especially during the monsoon season coz a lot of trash gets washed up from the sea and they are not from the locals. I realized that I have a thing for driftwood........hoarder alert! We had lunch before we pushed off but we made sure to stop by at the museum coz I wanted to go to the Kampung Budaya. I am a sucker for cultural studies and language and my kids are kinda obsessed with ships so it was a win-win situation. Our tour guide was awesome. There were other tour guides over at the Rumah Nelayan who taught me that we can fry crackers with sand. There was no demo coz it had a schedule but I asked how it was done anyways.........new experiment coming soon!

I am totally going back to Terengganu. Usually,when the islands open in March but who knows. Shu wants to explore a new island and the kids just want a speedboat ride. I am going back to Kampung Budaya when all the activities are up and running again. I hope everyone who is going through the monsoon season with floods and relocations are ok. My prayers are with you <3

I was angry at my dad when I wrote this

 

The more that you say, The less I know, Where ever you stray I'll follow

 I was looking back at our photos throughout the year 2020. Despite the pandemic, we had a pretty good time. My prayer was somewhat answered. I wanted to homeschool our kids and now they are and I know that I cannot cope. Not fully.

We visited Legoland 3 times. Usually, it's just in January coz it's Yusuf's birthday and that is his happy place. The 2 babies have now caught on and everyday they beg to go to Legoland. Luckily, they had a promotion going on coz of the pandemic and lack of tourists so we bit the bullet and got the annual passes for all 3 parks. Honestly, we don't ever go to the waterpark anymore coz the kids enjoy the theme park and doing activities at the hotel lobby. Oh yeah,we totally danced at the hotel lobby with the pirates twice! we managed to join in the zumba one afternoon. The kids love it so much ^_^

We also, managed to hangout at Redang Island twice this year. Ok, once was before the pandemic lockdown but we did manage to celebrate our late anniversary in July. Spent an entire week there. We need that length of stay everytime we visit now coz I can't imagine rushing for a 3 days 2 nights stay anymore. We brought our guitars along this time around.

We were in Hard Rock Penang. Full board stay and rented a guitar. Everytime we visit Hard Rock regardless Penang or Desaru, we usually rent guitars. This time, Shu rented me the Alex Kapranos touring guitar. I was ecstatic! I have never played a Telecaster before. I will never get used to Fenders but seriously, I liked it so much! I mean, come on, Alex Kapranos! I was crazy about him and Franz Ferdinand throughout my uni years!

Speaking of Hard Rock, we did stay over at Hard Rock Desaru too this year...........I am pretty sure we were there twice this year. The second trip was awesome coz we were practising social distancing so we booked the duplex room with a private pool and brought our own guitars. I kinda think I like that room so much better than the standard room. Maybe it's coz our kids are bigger now and we need space. They need space too.

Our last trip to Legoland was fun coz we booked the Kingdom Suite so everyone had space. The room was meant for 4 adults and 4 kids but since there's only 5 of us, we had ample space to move around.

Earlier this year, I was going crazy trying to put up with the kids' school schedule coz it was also supposed to have been Safiyya's first year of school. Then, the homeschool began. I found myself sitting in for Mandarin classes with the babies and then Arabic classes with Yusuf. Erm, Safiyya was not up for neither of it (school and homeschool). Shu was handling most, if not , all of Yusuf's homeschooling coz I was taking care of the babies. There was no way in hell I would have been able to keep up with Yusuf's classes. He had 4 classes a day towards the end of the year.

We moved..........Shu and I started writing songs........well, I started writing songs again but I managed to get Shu onboard with it. We have a proper studio now for all our guitars and our inspirations and my nonsense...........

Oh yeah, I started working out this year. Now, it's a routine and I am able to keep track of my weight. Finally! Shu and I also started changing our diets. Less carb. I especially enjoy cooking with Shu at home coz we won't have this time to do this otherwise.

I hope Shu's plan to retire early or taking a break from work comes through. I look forward to doing random things with him when the kids are at school just like we used to do when we were dating ^_^

We explored a new mall this weekend

 Something we haven't done in a while. We had a rough idea on what we needed to get. Yes, we overspend........ On things we probably didn't need........ OK, not as much as need.........

I think I found a new restaurant that has a menu that suits my taste in food ^_^ 

Managed to get Safiyya that dress I've been wanting to get her since April. Her size was sold out online at the time. Yusuf got a sleep top and a hoodie. He has grown out of his Pikachu hoodie. Ali Imran and Safiyya got free popcorn and we were given free cookies at one of the stores.

Yeah, there was a Toys R Us and it was one of the first things Safiyya noticed upon entering the mall so the kids made sure we made a "quick" stop there before leaving.

We also managed to get some groceries and Shu got his favorite tea.

I'd say it was quite a successful trip........ 

The Yin Yang Dragon

 Was on text messages with my sister last week. She kept pushing the idea of PTSD to me and I was like WTF is that?! It's strange how she and my mum always thinks that I have some sort of mental problem and that I need to get help. I told my sister that I had depression which was accumulated over the years. It caused me so much pain and eventually I lived with anxiety and had panic attacks from time to time. 

A lot of things may have caused my depression but I was slowly getting help and after talking to a few people and researching ways to overcome my issues, I am finally now at peace with myself. I told her about the psychologist I was talking to. I was talking to Shu. I have learned to let go and move on. I did recommend my psychologist to my sister. She then went on to tell me that she has PTSD and is seeking help. I told her that I am all for it. I don't want to know what the issue is coz I really don't think I can help but seeking help can do a lot for her.

We grew up in the same household but our memories differ from one another. I still believe that my mum favours my brother over me. I still think that she isn't quite happy with my life choices but I can't change her. I can't change my dad either. I do know that my therapy and hard work have prevented me from getting into a lot of fights with my dad. Let's not forget that he kicked me out once just before I got married years ago.

Anyways, what I was getting at was that if at any point we feel the need for a psychological therapy, we probably do need it. There is nothing wrong with trying to get help. We probably went through a lot growing up and usually when you are little, things are so much worse than it really is because you are so small and the world is so big and you don't know or understand everything. We still don't know everything now but I am sure if you think about it, it wasn't as bad.

I used to get beat up with a leather belt or rattan stick or just hit or slapped with my parents' bare hands. I probably deserved it at some point coz I remember getting into fights with my brothers. I don't remember my sister getting the same treatment though........but I don't hold it against anyone. My parents weren't very encouraging towards me and what I liked compared to my other siblings or friends but I found my way around it and eventually wrote songs. 

I write whenever shit gets out of hand. I write poetry, lyrics, fictions, journal entries, songs..........whatever I felt like writing. I never cared if they were good or bad. I just wrote. Also, picking up music was one the best things I have ever made in my life. I would learn new songs on the guitar or teach myself the keyboards. Sing in different languages. 

If there was one thing I felt that could make a difference in anyone's lives it's encouragement and courage. If you are a child and your parents don't encourage you to be better (not beating and yelling at you for not being good enough), you will fall into darkness (like the Yin Yang Dragon). If you are getting the right encouragement, you will shine. Sometimes, you need a little more help so don't be afraid to ask for help.

I hope my sister finds the right help. In fact I hope anyone out there who needs help seeks help and gets the help they need. Don't be afraid :)

This song hits close to home...... For me at least..........

 

That Arizona sky burning in your eyes
You look at me and, babe, I wanna catch on fire
It's buried in my soul like California gold
You found the light in me that I couldn't find

So when I'm all choked up
But I can't find the words
Every time we say goodbye
Baby, it hurts
When the sun goes down
And the band won't play
I'll always remember us this way

Lovers in the night
Poets trying to write
We don't know how to rhyme
But damn we try
But all I really know
You're where I wanna go
The part of me that's you will never die

So when I'm all choked up
But I can't find the words
Every time we say goodbye
Baby, it hurts
When the sun goes down
And the band won't play
I'll always remember us this way

Oh, yeah
I don't wanna be just a memory, baby, yeah

So when I'm all choked up
But I can't find the words
Every time we say goodbye
Baby, it hurts
When the sun goes down
And the band won't play
I'll always remember us this way, oh, yeah

When you look at me
And the whole world fades
I'll always remember us this way

Often times I feel like my words are not worthy to be heard

 Also, I often find myself coming across comments which does not appear to be helpful in any way or form at all. Most of the time, it isn't on my site and therefore, I would hold back my comments on stating how I feel about having someone comment on a dire situation in the most unhelpful way.

I do wonder why people do such things...........I guess the easiest thing for anyone to do,really,is to not be helpful at all..........just as long as they can say or write something..........Very strange..........

Tonight, my husband and I had a long discussion about people in general and doing and being obsessed over things they do not fully understand or just not understand at all.

It started with us liking Metallica. It was the very reason we became friends back when we were 16. At the time, I don't know why but there was a massive hate circulation towards "Black Metal". I am now convinced that what ever it was people were talking about back then was not black metal or anything at all. It was one of those unclear understanding towards one thing and then further on having that one thing related to another and then eventually just categorizing an entire genre of music.

Anywho, we were laughing about how we love Metallica growing up and that eventhough we were kinda obsessed with their music, we weren't getting sucked into what ever it was they were saying in their lyrics or preaching or whatever..........coz to us, music is music. Hell,we still play Metallica everytime we jam together these days. This goes with any song we listen to,actually. 

For me, sometimes a song seem to fit the exact emotion or experience I am going through at a time. Therefore,it becomes relatable.

So, our discussion came from 2 perspectives. One is from a religious point of view and the other would be from a language point of view. Religion is very complex and needs a lot of guidance and referral points. Of course, to people who do not share the same religion following, it would be a very vast discussion. However, if you were to look at things from a language point of view, I think the basic understanding of anything you say is to first understand what exactly you are saying. 

Why would you wear things with statements you don't understand? Tee shirts with phrases or words you don't understand. It makes no sense. It goes the same for songs. Sometimes, I come across kids and adults alike singing songs and not being able to explain what it is they are singing. It gets disturbing when they sing out loud explicit things or sexually inappropriate things that you wouldn't say in public. Vulgar,if you may............It's.......strange.........to me,at least..........

It's more likely weird for people like me because I do not have much human interactions with the world. I don't understand people very well. Why they do what they do. Why they say what they say. What they mean when they say something. It's all complicated to me but I try my best to put my best behavior forward and I try very hard to have a positive perspective towards everyone. 

We also discussed the dangers of this crazy online world we live in. Anyone can be a threat. I need to be more vigilant about my social media life...............And my husband goes FBI on those he think might put me or my kids in danger..........

I've been playing this non-stop