the big 4

 So........I'm 40 today........😂 It feels so funny saying that out loud coz......I'll be honest, I never expected to live this long.......also.......I feel like I am still the teenager who is still so eager and curious about so many things. I've been trying to do as many new things as possible in the last couple of years. It's like me trying to fulfill my bucket list.....sort of. So far, I think I've done quite a lot. I still have a lot more things to try and learn.

I decided to slow down on working out too much. In fact, I haven't been doing so much HIIT workouts as I used to do. Not anymore. I think I'm gonna start doing more cardio. I've also been learning a lot of digital art in the last couple of months. I've been trying to learn coding but I think I need to clear up my head space for that.

Oh yeah, I've been writing a lot. Songs mostly. It's so liberating to be able to write songs again after so long. I started a Japanese music channel too called Eternal Hearts........coz......me and Japanese had always been inseparable.......So, Designated Chaos is my main channel and I have Eternal Hearts on the side. It's not as well received as Designated Chaos coz of the language, I think......but it doesn't matter. Not everyone listens to every music genre out there anyways.

I need to finish up at least 2 of my books.........coz I haven't been in the right headspace..........I need to get my ass into the sea coz I think it's been a hot minute since we last had an island trip. The last monsoon season sucked coz it barely rained. We were expecting a lot more rain pour but......oh well.....

This morning, Shu got me the wrap I have recently began liking from Family Mart and we spent the morning having coffee and breakfast by the beach. I wouldn't have it any other way. 

had to be done

 

I had to do it. I always wanted to do it and it didn't fit Designated Chaos so.....here is Eternal Hearts......❤️

so......I have come to terms with this.......

 I need to get myself straightened out and get my shit together. I keep having to remind myself why I started writing and writing songs and doing art. I was doing it all because I really like doing it. It's about the satisfaction of creating and being creative, whatever form it may be.

I can't please everyone and it's not always about views or numbers. It's nice to be discovered because it just shows that maybe there are people out there who understands me and what I make or create but.....for the most part.....it's basically the satisfaction of just creating. 

Also, I am not entirely here most of the time........I mean.......I am always thinking about something and then, I end up adding more things in my list of things I wanna learn or do. That is usually how my bucket list continues......like it's never-ending. I am just lucky that I have time, with that, I try to use my time to keep learning and being creative.......I just think that everything else would be a waste of time.....

I am not getting any younger and with whatever time I have left, I really feel like there is just so much to learn and discover in this world. Also, I am constantly trying to keep up with my 3 kids. They are growing up fast and their time is definitely not like mine when I was their age.

They have access to all the things I never had back when I was a kid and their vocabulary is just so out there that I keep having to ask Shu or Google the things they say. It's like living in an entirely different century 😂

just gonna post it here......

 I've been working on Designated Chaos for a while now.........I started the channel slightly over a month ago.....on YouTube...... Designated Chaos YouTube 

I've been writing songs and there's a whole bunch of songs there......Youtube is a whole different world and despite having the same issues I've been having from being a songwriter for so many years already, we still have the whole distributor and monetization problems......I managed to get the ISRC sorted out to my songs have copyrights now but......marketing is something I am still learning to do......

It's been a lot of analytics and algorithms........just a lot of numbers to work with.....but I try to keep it light......I have some goals I need to meet this year anyway so I can't really just lose myself completely to Designated Chaos........

I hope people like what I've put out and I hope it makes people happy just listening to the music ❤️

😂

 So.....I decided to make a thing........

it was just supposed to be like a practice thingy.....refreshing something old......

why I do the things I do

Why I behave this way

I don't need a reason to be me

I do what I want

-Anyway by Designated Chaos-

I'd say this was a song I wrote solely for myself 😂

It had a lot of Avril influence but hey, I grew up listening to her. It's not the best performing song on the channel but I do what I want and I write how I feel so, I can't please everybody 😉

let me go

 

The lyrics are me. That is why I wrote is as such. I also like the music style.......It's so.......emo......

Hahahahaaa.........

I am currently at a stage in my life where I am just doing things that I like. I am doing things that brings me so much joy and I am not even getting paid for any of it and it doesn't bother me. I wanted to do what I like and therefore it is what I do. 

People can hate what I make or produce. People can like them. People have opinions. I cannot control them. 

It's just so peaceful to be able to make and create and produce and not think about anything else.

The temperature drop has made is such that my art pieces are not drying properly and it's been about 2 days and the paint is still wet -_- I have paint on my hands now 😂

my apologies

 My head had been on songwriting for the past 1 week and I can't seem to stop. It just keeps coming and everything else is just on hold for now. I haven't abandoned anything, I just.....have not been in tune with everything else.......I had always been writing songs and this is a way for me to do it on my own and it's really helping me write without the help or assistance of other human beings. Also, I had always wanted to make music without having to put my real self out there coz.......I really can't do the whole front-man thing.......

NGL

 I miss writing emo punk songs.........

stained

 I haven't been so addicted to an entire album in a while and for the longest time, I really did not like listening to Linkin Park. I realized that I was getting a little annoyed at Chester's vocals and I just avoided the band completely. Recently, they released a new album and I have it playing on repeat.

 Stained is definitely a fav of mine.

I find that there is something about the vibes and emotions in this album that speaks to me. Ok, maybe it's Emily. Maybe I like her and her vocals actually sends the messages across to the extent that I could actually feel the songs.

I like it.

Och uti gröne Lunden där dansar ett par

 Den ena var vännen den andra var Jag

This song had been playing over and over in my head. I was working on a new book. Story. What ever you wanna call it. I was getting too overwhelmed with my current book because it was about to get violent and I wasn't in a violent mood. Not yet. I have it all written out in my head. I've been brainstorming too. I kinda know what is going to happen. I just cannot bring myself to write it all out......yet.......

My mind is elsewhere. I think I am distracted or I just have been distracting myself a little too much.

I was creating music on some sound pad thingy. I have to perfect the timing. The songs need to be redone and refined. I've also been reading too. I usually read classics or non-fictions but lately, it's been Lemony Snicket. I spent the entire day yesterday doing art in the studio because it hasn't been as hot as it usually is.

Again. I am distracted and distracting myself. 

I don't know if I need to get away physically or I am just too far away in my head.

I always told my mum that I cannot bring myself to mentally live in this world because it is too depressing and it makes me want to die. I think I have been creating too many worlds in my mind that I have been jumping from one world to the another and now, I am trying to write them all out just to make some space for me to think about the new things that I intend on learning. One of them being blacksmithing. I have yet to build a furnace. 

It's so weird to think that I am going through the same thing I have been going through as a teenager. It's almost as though nothing has changed but yet, everything has. It's so fucking weird.

Losing track of time

 My mind is everywhere and somewhere at the same time. It's hard to explain but I think some parts of my brain had been awakened by my suppression of activities. I think that instead of going down the depression route, I made a sound decision to pull myself away from there and focused on things that could take me elsewhere regardless if it's a happy place or not.

Now, I am pumped with creative thoughts which is currently being put into words, designs and music. It's fun. Sometimes it does make me unsatisfied from not being able to express it fully but that's what drafts are for. I have room for improvement and revision.

I have always found joy in writing with pen and paper and after all these years, it still feels that way whenever I pick a pen and paper to write. It's different from making art.

Also, I found myself a good playlist of songs and music to set the tone.

I was telling Shu about the good old jamming studio days. It was not just a jamming studio. It's a place where random people from random places who come together to play music and to appreciate the music of others. It's just a feel good place and time. 

I miss that sometimes....... 

Late night hotel balcony talks

 Everytime we are on holiday somewhere away from home, Shu and I like to let the kids mellow down in bed with the lights dimmed low. Usually, it's after an entire day of activities like swimming or playing by the beach. Sometimes, we'd have coffee. Sometimes, we'd just sit outside and talk in the dark. It used to be us smoking something but we don't do that anymore........

Last night's talk was long and pretty good. We'd be married for 12 years this June and every year, we try to always be on the same page and be as transparent as we can to one another. I am usually brutally honest with a lot of things but my problems are usually emotional and just me trying to understand other human beings. Shu deals with real problems and he used to think that in order to not let me freak out or over think, somethings are just better left unsaid.

That's gonna change. I need to fucking grow up. I can't spend all my money on coffee and toys -_- and other random nonsense that only makes sense to me...........

Well, it's not a money related problem that we talked about last night. I think we're ok with that.

I seem to be facing problems understanding people, in general. People that are related to me and just people who know me. Sometimes, I have people like my cousin who'd just text me about whatever. I am the type of person who would personally text someone if I needed to ask something or say something on a personal level. It's just better that way. I also like to express things that make me happy and share the experience however I can.

I am aware that we spend a lot of our time away from home in a year. Sometimes, we're away from home every week. Sometimes, every month. It's just a way for Shu and I cope with our mental stability. A different environment. A different ambience. A different atmosphere. We don't have "friends" to have an actual "social" life. I don't know about Shu but I usually find it difficult to connect or understand people in general. I find that I am more productive when I am on my own in the studio or just dancing with the kids or working out.

I love walking along beaches and wetting my toes in the scorching hot sun. I enjoy collecting random shells or whatever and sharing it with my kids.

Last night, I told Shu that I cannot understand the signs or signals that people are sending me. I don't know if they are unhappy with themselves or if they are unhappy with what I am doing with my life or how I choose to spend my time. Either ways, Shu told me a few things that made me think a little differently about how I am perceiving all these signs. One of it being the age gap. Older people have different ways of trying to confront me. Other people are just deflecting their shortcomings by picking on every little thing I do. 

I've said this before. I like spending my time and money and energy on doing things that make me happy and the things I do may not make other people happy and that is OK because we are not the same. They make decisions which I would not choose to make but I don't think of it as a problem because that's not my call. Some people cannot accept or tolerate this and thinks that I must do what they would do.

I have come to a point in my life whereby if you were to tell me something and that is what you truly believe in doing, I'd say "you do you!" And I am happy for them. No resentment. No hard feelings. The problem is not everyone is on the same page. I really can't help them.

Anywho, the other thing we talked about was my band, RadioEdit. We were living in a different time and we had different things to deal with in our lives. Ayie was married and had a kid. Kamal was working but lived on his own. Rashid and I were university students who were living with our parents and had curfews. I spent all this time thinking that I let they guys down (Ayie and Kamal) by walking away just like that. We never actually spoke about things. 

I, for one was very much aware on how much we were spending on jamming studios. Kamal and Ayie were talking to Shu but not to me. It was weird. Maybe because I was the only girl in the band? Maybe because I was to naive and stupid to understand real world problems. But I found out from Shu last night that Ayie was actually thinking of quitting anyway because he found an actual job with a stable income for the family. The rest of us never understood that because we weren't married with kids.

Now, Kamal is beginning to sound like Ayie back in the day. I just happen to have a supportive husband like Shu and my kids are old enough for me to do the things I want to do coz they have their things to do themselves.

We had awesome materials. We worked on them real hard. Now that Ayie is no longer with us, I am more than happy to actually do something with all of the stuff we've written together. I am in it to see just how much it's worth and I am splitting equal parts with Kamal, Rashid and Ayie's family. There are millions of bands out there but I am not doing it for the fame and glory. I am not seeking any approval from anyone. I just enjoy doing it and I want to savor it for as long as it lasts. We are not the same people we were back then but we had our music. That was our connection.  

I don't belong here, I don't belong anywhere

 Yesterday, Shu was off so while the kids were in school and homeschooling, he helped me record 3 samples of songs I've been keeping on my phone as drafts with no lyrics since last year. I have at least 10 songs with no lyrics and pages of words with no melody. 

This had been going on since October. Well, I've been writing since July or earlier but music drafts had been recorded on my phone later. I need to find the right time and mood and ambience to get all the songs completed.

Shu and I wrote our first grunge song ever. Shu has a couple of songs that needs work too. 

I love recording with the Hummingbird coz it sounds amazing but it really does emphasize all the tiny mistakes like if I accidentally strum too hard or my finger placement is not perfect. Shu discovered that hooking up the acoustic guitar to the amplifier and then set up the acoustic microphone near the amplifier gives best results. I don't know coz I usually just go with it. 

You've Got A Friend In Me

 I feel like of all the people in my family growing up, my dad was the only one who ever acknowledged who I truly was. He said I am a hedonist and that things that make me happy may not be conventional but as long as it makes me happy, I'll be alright. 

Yesterday, we were at Taman Tun just hanging out. My dad was showing me some PRS guitars he liked on his phone while I was jamming away on the Ovation. He had always been a Paul Reed Smith guitars fan for as long as I've known him. He was talking to me about his co worker asking him how much the guitar costs and if he was planning to make money out of it.

I told him, first of all.........different guitars sound different. Depending on the wood and shape and materials used. We were talking about acoustic guitars of course. And secondly, if it's a hobby,it doesn't matter if he's expensive or cheap as long as you are happy with it. And he said to me ,"Only a good friend will tell you that"  I truly believe that nothing is stupid if it brings you pleasure or happiness. 

Shu is a watch person. I don't care if he buys expensive watches coz he likes it. I am an acoustic guitar person. Always had been although I don't have a particular brand or make that I like, the Epiphone Shu got me was a pink Hummingbird Pro with built-in pick up and it's made of solid wood. Playing that makes such a difference in comparison to my old Morisson or the junior Epiphone Shu got me earlier (which I travel with)

Anywho,our studio is finally ready. Mic is in and we have a U-Phoria UMC202HD Behringer 2 line mixer hooked up to my laptop. I have about 4 samples to work on. Rashid said that if he ever comes around,he's gonna bring his guitar and an amplifier coz we only have one. This is awesome. I'm hoping that Simon will bring his classical Spanish guitar around to record some samples that we can eventually work with.

Shu's dad once asked why we had so many guitars and if they sound different. The answer is Yes. Single coils and humbuckers sound different. Acoustics sound different too. Looking at how my progress with electric guitars is kinda slow, the Mega Distortion pedal I have should be good enough for an idiot like me to work with.

quench my thirst with gasoline

It's weird how I started playing the guitar back when I was 13 and my influences were mostly pop bands like Hanson and The Moffatts. After that there were Blink 182 and Sum 41 and Greenday and Sugarcult.

When I started going for guitar lessons, I found that my guitar teacher loves Metallica. I'm not talking about just one of my guitar teachers. I'm saying all of them. I mean it's not like we were constantly covering Metallica all the time. There were times we'd play Deep Purple and sometimes some random single from some random band.Well, I like Iron Maiden as well but depending on who my band mates are at the time, I wouldn't be able to play metal music all the time.

Anywho, my world was opened to Metallica when I saw S&M on tv. I was thinking that hey,that's not a bad song at all. Then I got hooked for good. Of course, I discovered other bands along the way like Coheed and Cambria which I super love!!!! Oh! And then, there was Justin Hawkins and The Darkness! After that there were Franz Ferdinand and Black Tide. Woah! I love Black Tide! Not to forget Red Hot Chilli Peppers and Korn and Limp Bizkit and System of a Down and Incubus.........