I wrote this song with Shu in mind❤️

 

I love you so much, baby 😘

Shu introduced me to this band.....and now....I can't stop listening to them.....

 Full of color on the outside

But I only see in black and white
I'm desperate for some light in the corners of my mind
Having hope but not enough
Reaching out to find no one
Am I the only soul to have lost all control?

It gets hard to breathe
Stuck in between on what has become my fake reality
And there's no escape from the voice in my head
It's driving me crazy!

Nobody understands
My sanity's not going to last
And I'll smile on through the night
Everyone will think I'm alright
But nobody knows what I'm dragging along
When I'm alone
When I'm alone

I'm about to tear off this page
But it's something I can't erase

I wish I could rewrite the story of my life
What I hide every day behind the mask there's pain
They say I'm not alone
But do they even know?

It gets hard to breathe
Stuck in between on what has become my fake reality
And there's no escape from the voice in my head
It's driving me crazy!

Nobody understands
My sanity's not going to last
And I'll smile on through the night
Everyone will think I'm alright
But nobody knows what I'm dragging along
When I'm alone

Nobody understands
My sanity's not going to last
And I'll smile on through the night
Everyone will think I'm alright
But nobody knows what I'm dragging along
When I'm alone

And every day I'll try
To keep my feelings hidden inside
But nobody knows 'bout the hole in my soul
When I'm alone
When I'm alone

you know how when you witnessed something......

 .......and it haunts you a litte?

Well, something happened today. As we were on our way home from getting the kids from school, there was a motorbike in front of us with 2 school boys on it and there was a car ahead of them. The car ahead of them was slowing down and these 2 boys must have been surprised by the sudden stop so they swerved to the side to avoid it as a reaction, they collided head on with another boy on a motorbike.

I witnessed all 3 of the boys flying off their bikes and to make it worse, neither of them were wearing helmets. I was in so much shock as we pulled over, one kid was bleeding so much in the head, the other 2 kids were walking but had severe memory lost. We waited for the ambulance and so many people stopped by to help,we drove one of the boys to a nearby clinic to get immediate medical help while the other 2 boys waited with some people for the ambulance.

I was in so much shock and I was constantly praying so hard for the boys to be ok. They must be about 16 years old. I was just telling Shu this morning that the kids from the secondary school nearby has a lot of kids going to school on motorbikes and none of them bother to wear helmets whatsoever.

I am still a little shaken from witnessing the whole thing and I will never forget their faces. I was crying a little as I waited for Shu at the clinic when he took that boy in. I was praying so hard for them to be ok. I hope they are ok. I told the boy who wasn't as injured to call his parents coz he was walking around like he was trying to figure out what to do. 

5 hotels in 2 weeks

 We were stranded in KL/Selangor for about 2 weeks. It was supposed to be us heading down there for Hari Raya. It was supposed to be 1 week tops and in was like an in and out situation like most Hari Rayas are.......but no this time. Nope.

We headed there during Ramadan and joined in Shu's family for a buka puasa sesh. From there, Safiyya got sick, she picked up the Influenza B. Fuck population density, right? We were doing just fine before heading over there coz we've been at home the whole month through.

Anywho, Influenza B sucks like shit. Safiyya got sick and we immediately moved into a hotel to isolate her from Shu's parents. I got sick right after that. I spent most of my quarantine days in DoubleTree Putrajaya coz that was our home for about a week.

To make it worse, we had a Legoland trip planned just as well. Let me tell you how fucked up the southbound trip this time around. We were getting sick one person at a time and we were heading south.

I couldn't stand being among so many people so we spent a night in Legoland hotel and then we moved to a hotel in JB. I swear to God, i have no idea wtf was going on but none of the shops were opened late enough for us to have a decent meal. Mind you, we have been throwing up so much at this point and i was actually at the hospital on drips for at least an hour.

The fucking drive back to Selangor/KL was so fucked up, we spent 7 hours on the road. It usually takes us 3 hours tops to get to KL from JB. Something was definitely up. I do NOT wanna go south anytime soon. No thank you.

We ended up back in Putrajaya that night after the long ass drive. We spent 2 nights in Moxy hotel. It was kinda nice but not the kind of hotel I would like to spend so much time at. The mall access was very convenient but when you are half ass trynna recover and there are so many people, shopping becomes a little challenging.

We finally decided to leave KL for good and drove home. I didn't have a Hari Raya at all coz i was quarantined for most of the trip. I saw Shu's parents on the 3rd day of Raya I think, and I saw my parents just before leaving for home. My mom was crying, thinking that I left without seeing her. I swear to God, this time around made us all miss home so damn much.

We don't wanna leave home. Not yet. I miss my usual coffee shops and routines.

kakak Eeno

 I swear to God, meeting Shu's KYSer friend(s) will always be funny coz I first met Shu when we were 16, he had just come back from playing tennis with his dorm mate,Asai. And the fact that we met him at for a drink the other night in Melawati, he just looked at Shu and I and said "Yeah, aku tau......ko kawen dengan kakak Eeno....."

I never thought I would ever hear that nickname again. Eeno, my brother, was Shu's dorm mate and junior. It was just funny coz we would have never met if Eeno wasn't in that boarding school. I also can never get over how I sang Michelle Branch's All You Wanted at Shu's school hall one night and it was his birthday......

the big 4

 So........I'm 40 today........😂 It feels so funny saying that out loud coz......I'll be honest, I never expected to live this long.......also.......I feel like I am still the teenager who is still so eager and curious about so many things. I've been trying to do as many new things as possible in the last couple of years. It's like me trying to fulfill my bucket list.....sort of. So far, I think I've done quite a lot. I still have a lot more things to try and learn.

I decided to slow down on working out too much. In fact, I haven't been doing so much HIIT workouts as I used to do. Not anymore. I think I'm gonna start doing more cardio. I've also been learning a lot of digital art in the last couple of months. I've been trying to learn coding but I think I need to clear up my head space for that.

Oh yeah, I've been writing a lot. Songs mostly. It's so liberating to be able to write songs again after so long. I started a Japanese music channel too called Eternal Hearts........coz......me and Japanese had always been inseparable.......So, Designated Chaos is my main channel and I have Eternal Hearts on the side. It's not as well received as Designated Chaos coz of the language, I think......but it doesn't matter. Not everyone listens to every music genre out there anyways.

I need to finish up at least 2 of my books.........coz I haven't been in the right headspace..........I need to get my ass into the sea coz I think it's been a hot minute since we last had an island trip. The last monsoon season sucked coz it barely rained. We were expecting a lot more rain pour but......oh well.....

This morning, Shu got me the wrap I have recently began liking from Family Mart and we spent the morning having coffee and breakfast by the beach. I wouldn't have it any other way. 

had to be done

 

I had to do it. I always wanted to do it and it didn't fit Designated Chaos so.....here is Eternal Hearts......❤️

so......I have come to terms with this.......

 I need to get myself straightened out and get my shit together. I keep having to remind myself why I started writing and writing songs and doing art. I was doing it all because I really like doing it. It's about the satisfaction of creating and being creative, whatever form it may be.

I can't please everyone and it's not always about views or numbers. It's nice to be discovered because it just shows that maybe there are people out there who understands me and what I make or create but.....for the most part.....it's basically the satisfaction of just creating. 

Also, I am not entirely here most of the time........I mean.......I am always thinking about something and then, I end up adding more things in my list of things I wanna learn or do. That is usually how my bucket list continues......like it's never-ending. I am just lucky that I have time, with that, I try to use my time to keep learning and being creative.......I just think that everything else would be a waste of time.....

I am not getting any younger and with whatever time I have left, I really feel like there is just so much to learn and discover in this world. Also, I am constantly trying to keep up with my 3 kids. They are growing up fast and their time is definitely not like mine when I was their age.

They have access to all the things I never had back when I was a kid and their vocabulary is just so out there that I keep having to ask Shu or Google the things they say. It's like living in an entirely different century 😂

just gonna post it here......

 I've been working on Designated Chaos for a while now.........I started the channel slightly over a month ago.....on YouTube...... Designated Chaos YouTube 

I've been writing songs and there's a whole bunch of songs there......Youtube is a whole different world and despite having the same issues I've been having from being a songwriter for so many years already, we still have the whole distributor and monetization problems......I managed to get the ISRC sorted out to my songs have copyrights now but......marketing is something I am still learning to do......

It's been a lot of analytics and algorithms........just a lot of numbers to work with.....but I try to keep it light......I have some goals I need to meet this year anyway so I can't really just lose myself completely to Designated Chaos........

I hope people like what I've put out and I hope it makes people happy just listening to the music ❤️

unpredictability

 I kinda like how the weather forecast is inaccurate these days. It keeps us on our toes. We don't know what's really gonna happen and we can't rely on forecasts. I like it. We just have to be more aware of our surroundings and environment.

On a different note, Shu and I had this discussion some weeks ago about AI and robots. He was telling me about a company that is developing a physical robot with AI assist mode that you can programme and curate to whatever you want it to be. I told him I liked the idea coz let's say, you are someone who's been married for so long and then, your spouse dies.......I am definitely not the type to go out there and try dating again just for company. I'd rather have a robot I've programmed to be whatever I want to keep me company.

Shu hates it coz it would ruin the memory of your spouse and it's just gonna be predictable. That's just the beauty of AI and robots. You programme it. You run the show. You don't like it, you can just reset it. I don't see it as a way to replace your spouse. It's more like just a way to keep you company without the hassle of having another human. People have too many needs and wants and is sometimes too complicated to put up with. Something that you can programme and reset is much more manageable. Besides, you just need something or someone to respond to you, not an actual person who is gonna replace someone you lost.

I know, Black Mirror shit.......

Speaking of humans being such a waste of time and money, we were recently talking about not having people who work just to get salary at the end of the month. They won't progress and they won't do their jobs properly despite having signed a contract. Hell, they won't even give it a 100% when they are at work and you definitely cannot expect them to give a 110% at any time. They don't give a shit about you and your company. They just know that they're gonna get their salary at the end of the month. It's a huge failed system. They need to be paid very minimal and everything else that they earn is based on commissions. That way, they will strive to do better.

Of course, you won't have such problems with robots and AI. They would do as they are programmed unless they are corrupt and not function properly anymore.

I am so done living a life whereby I'm paying so much for services I never get. It's just a fucking rip off and scam. I refuse to spend money on shit I ain't getting.

😂

 So.....I decided to make a thing........

it was just supposed to be like a practice thingy.....refreshing something old......

I feel like people are just confused and this needs to be addressed properly

 I always get asked if my area or my house is flooded coz I have no idea what shit the news is broadcasting throughout the country about the weather.

I live on the sunny side up area of the beach. If we did get a lot of water it would have been from the waves crashing so hard or the rain water accumulating from long hours of rain. The actual flooding happens upstream and the river areas. Water comes gushing down from the mountains and down the rivers. And if you live in town or the city area where water flow always suck.

Erm......upstream is up the river.........downstream is where the water flows down and out into the sea......Does that make sense for everyone?

I sometimes find it strange that people think they know me at all

 They don't. Only Shu knows me for who I truly am. You could pass me in a public place and not recognize me at all. You don't know half of who I am. Don't ever say that you know me coz you don't. What I share with the world or what I share on social media and what I share to family are different, filtered things. Not everyone can understand the different degrees of me and my way of thinking. What I let people know about me are different. The things that I like doing are many and not everyone can take it all in at once. Except Shu, of course. That's why we're married ❤️

why I do the things I do

Why I behave this way

I don't need a reason to be me

I do what I want

-Anyway by Designated Chaos-

I'd say this was a song I wrote solely for myself 😂

It had a lot of Avril influence but hey, I grew up listening to her. It's not the best performing song on the channel but I do what I want and I write how I feel so, I can't please everybody 😉

accidental goal fulfilled

 A few years ago, we decided to move coz I wanted to learn to sail. By the end of that year, I was officially a sailor. The following year, I began writing and somewhere along the way, I found myself in a sailing coach course. By the end of that year, I wrote about 10 books and got my level 1 sailing coach certification.

Continuing with the pursuit of being creative, I continued writing and designing and drawing and painting and before I knew it, I was writing songs a couple of weeks ago. Not the way I usually write songs but before this year ends, I have already put out at least 18 songs on YouTube. It's not something I planned to do but I did it and I am still doing it. And I am also writing and painting and sketching and gaming at the same time.

I have some plans for what I wanna do next but I think it's gonna take some time. I'm up for the challenge. Bring it!

Oh yeah, I have also joined the "Glorious Evolution" of Viktor Nation 😂

someone once said

 If you're gonna do something new and huge like anything from starting a business or a channel or a career, some of the worst people to ever give you any support are family members. It's so weird and so true at the same time. I've always thought it was more of a cultural thing but apparently, it goes all across the board.

The funny thing about me is that I have spent my entire life not getting any form of support whatsoever from family and it's kinda something I'm used to. Shu had always been my biggest supporter no matter what I wanted to do. Again, I don't always succeed and my attempts are sometimes not the best but he had never told me to stop or give up.

I also happened to have a very strong support system from my kids. They will always tell me I'm doing good, no matter what the situation is.

When you're going to change the world, don't ask for permission- Viktor

So, whatever it is I've decided to do had already been decided. I really don't give a shit about what you think coz it's happening, regardless. Sometimes, when you want to do something, it usually just makes sense to you and you alone. People won't always understand why you do it and it's ok. Just stay your course.

let me go

 

The lyrics are me. That is why I wrote is as such. I also like the music style.......It's so.......emo......

Hahahahaaa.........

I am currently at a stage in my life where I am just doing things that I like. I am doing things that brings me so much joy and I am not even getting paid for any of it and it doesn't bother me. I wanted to do what I like and therefore it is what I do. 

People can hate what I make or produce. People can like them. People have opinions. I cannot control them. 

It's just so peaceful to be able to make and create and produce and not think about anything else.

The temperature drop has made is such that my art pieces are not drying properly and it's been about 2 days and the paint is still wet -_- I have paint on my hands now 😂

my apologies

 My head had been on songwriting for the past 1 week and I can't seem to stop. It just keeps coming and everything else is just on hold for now. I haven't abandoned anything, I just.....have not been in tune with everything else.......I had always been writing songs and this is a way for me to do it on my own and it's really helping me write without the help or assistance of other human beings. Also, I had always wanted to make music without having to put my real self out there coz.......I really can't do the whole front-man thing.......

laughing myself to tears

 Shu and I were laughing so hard over breakfast this morning coz I was talking about Artemis Gordon and the Wild Wild West movie. We both know how we feel about theoretical physics but on different levels. Shu hates theoretical physics solely because it's always theorized in an ideal state. I like a little bit of it from time to time but not to the extent of having Michio Kaku's statue erected at our yard 😂

I was quoting some lines from the movie and we were laughing so hard as we were breaking down and analyzing the gadgets and techs from the movie. We can't really be so picky on it coz Barry Sonnenfeld was the guy behind MIB after all. We all know how that shit goes down. But me being me, I am all over Star Trek and Sakura Wars and Voltron and shit. It's never fully real world with me.

Then, as we were driving and stuck at the traffic lights, I asked about how movies and shows depicts war and how the so called "villains" always has some sort of troll in their army. Shu said it's a way of justifying the battle between good and bad. The antagonists will always have some form of disfigured monster like creature on their team. It's only to portray the perfect and good looking ones are the protagonists or heroes.

Arcane, LOTR, Harry Potter.......even Mulan. The Khans are just people. They're Mongolians but they're just peeps. War armors are meant to make them look scary and intimidating just like the Samurais and the Maoris. Still, there had never been a war between people and other creatures......ok, except that one time the Aussies lost the battle against the emus....... 🤣

The best depiction of what war really is was actually portrayed so well in Black Mirror. They had these chips embedded into them so when they go into battle, they won't hesitate to pull the trigger on the innocent civilians coz what they see are monsters. Just like in games. It's so fucked up but it's happening IRL.

this world is a wasteland

 I can't put my emotions into words but.......I cried like a mofo last night. I delayed and refrained myself from watching Act 3 right away last week coz I was still trying to digest Act 2 and getting my shit together. Last night, I bit the bullet and took the plunge. I swear to God I had never been so blown away by a finale.

I started out season 2 not liking Caitlyn as much but that fight scene when she went up against Ambessa. Holy freakin' hell! She got really injured but she kept going! Like a true warrior! Woaaaah!!!! And Mel! I was hoping she'd come back around. Still grounded and still diplomatic but so powerful! That fight scene in itself was like WOAH!!!!

And then, let's not forget Viktor and his "Glorious Evolution" line. I never thought Jayce would do what he did but damn! He came for you, Viktor! I still love Viktor though........I've always liked him........maybe it's the accent. Maybe it's his sarcasm and ideology.........Nah, it's just him.

Jinx was just as how we expected her to be. I swear I was crying when she showed up with Ekko and Come Play was playing in the background. I've been playing that song since it was released and I had been waiting for them to include it in the series and it finally came on and boy, was it EPIC!!!!!

The first episode was really, really nice. I really liked how Powder was helping Ekko and the professor coz that's exactly what she is. A genius. And how Zaun and Piltover was one. OMFG! I almost lost it when I saw Silco coz.......I was really missing him and he was there.......I was in tears.......

*NOT TO FORGET SEVIKA and the rest of the ZAUNITES united!!!!

Ekko was epic. No words can explain him. It was his thing anyways but he took it to the next level and I was losing my shit. I was crying so much coz I was sad and happy both at once. I swear to God if I ever get the guts to do it, I'd watch it all over again for the hell of it coz it's so fucking epic!