The sun has fallen

 Another day gone without you

My heart keeps calling 

And I don't know just what to do

I was looking for a tailor to alter my clothes coz it seems that I not only bought all my ready-made clothes in the wrong sizes but they are way too big on me. I know that I have shrunk over the years but the clothes looked ridiculously huge on me. Anyways, I found one yesterday and she was like "WHY ARE ALL YOUR CLOTHES THIS BIG???!!!" Why,this is the reason I am having them altered...........

She's a really nice lady. I like her already!

I'm not much of a formal clothes shopper and for the past many years, I've been wearing the black kebaya I've had since.......since.......I was still in school. The tailor who made the kebaya did an awesome that I still wear it till today. It's black. Indonesian batik. I love it! Shu and I are always wearing black and we got the kids black clothes for raya some years ago. My mum hates the color black for hari raya. She never let me get any clothes in black when I was a kid.

Anywho, Shu and I were in the kitchen cooking together the other day. We started talking about movies. Then for some reason, the movie American Beauty came up. Bla bla bla........and then there were pedophelia........I seem to cannot forgive and let go of some things in my life.

I've come to realize that the reason I despise living sometimes is because a lot of things happened when I was between the ages 14 and 15. Shu said those are crucial times and I feel like as much as I say I have moved on, I can't help but think that there were some form of abandonment that took place. I keep wondering and asking why the people who were supposed to protect me didn't do it and instead allowed the predators into my life willingly and openly. What ever I said at the time felt like just me complaining and that I should just move on. Well, I did. And I didn't kill myself.

I spent most of my school years not wanting to get up in the morning and just wanting to die. 

I am far from where I was in school now. It's a fight and still is sometimes but I have people who love me with me.