Everytime we are on holiday somewhere away from home, Shu and I like to let the kids mellow down in bed with the lights dimmed low. Usually, it's after an entire day of activities like swimming or playing by the beach. Sometimes, we'd have coffee. Sometimes, we'd just sit outside and talk in the dark. It used to be us smoking something but we don't do that anymore........
Last night's talk was long and pretty good. We'd be married for 12 years this June and every year, we try to always be on the same page and be as transparent as we can to one another. I am usually brutally honest with a lot of things but my problems are usually emotional and just me trying to understand other human beings. Shu deals with real problems and he used to think that in order to not let me freak out or over think, somethings are just better left unsaid.
That's gonna change. I need to fucking grow up. I can't spend all my money on coffee and toys -_- and other random nonsense that only makes sense to me...........
Well, it's not a money related problem that we talked about last night. I think we're ok with that.
I seem to be facing problems understanding people, in general. People that are related to me and just people who know me. Sometimes, I have people like my cousin who'd just text me about whatever. I am the type of person who would personally text someone if I needed to ask something or say something on a personal level. It's just better that way. I also like to express things that make me happy and share the experience however I can.
I am aware that we spend a lot of our time away from home in a year. Sometimes, we're away from home every week. Sometimes, every month. It's just a way for Shu and I cope with our mental stability. A different environment. A different ambience. A different atmosphere. We don't have "friends" to have an actual "social" life. I don't know about Shu but I usually find it difficult to connect or understand people in general. I find that I am more productive when I am on my own in the studio or just dancing with the kids or working out.
I love walking along beaches and wetting my toes in the scorching hot sun. I enjoy collecting random shells or whatever and sharing it with my kids.
Last night, I told Shu that I cannot understand the signs or signals that people are sending me. I don't know if they are unhappy with themselves or if they are unhappy with what I am doing with my life or how I choose to spend my time. Either ways, Shu told me a few things that made me think a little differently about how I am perceiving all these signs. One of it being the age gap. Older people have different ways of trying to confront me. Other people are just deflecting their shortcomings by picking on every little thing I do.
I've said this before. I like spending my time and money and energy on doing things that make me happy and the things I do may not make other people happy and that is OK because we are not the same. They make decisions which I would not choose to make but I don't think of it as a problem because that's not my call. Some people cannot accept or tolerate this and thinks that I must do what they would do.
I have come to a point in my life whereby if you were to tell me something and that is what you truly believe in doing, I'd say "you do you!" And I am happy for them. No resentment. No hard feelings. The problem is not everyone is on the same page. I really can't help them.
Anywho, the other thing we talked about was my band, RadioEdit. We were living in a different time and we had different things to deal with in our lives. Ayie was married and had a kid. Kamal was working but lived on his own. Rashid and I were university students who were living with our parents and had curfews. I spent all this time thinking that I let they guys down (Ayie and Kamal) by walking away just like that. We never actually spoke about things.
I, for one was very much aware on how much we were spending on jamming studios. Kamal and Ayie were talking to Shu but not to me. It was weird. Maybe because I was the only girl in the band? Maybe because I was to naive and stupid to understand real world problems. But I found out from Shu last night that Ayie was actually thinking of quitting anyway because he found an actual job with a stable income for the family. The rest of us never understood that because we weren't married with kids.
Now, Kamal is beginning to sound like Ayie back in the day. I just happen to have a supportive husband like Shu and my kids are old enough for me to do the things I want to do coz they have their things to do themselves.
We had awesome materials. We worked on them real hard. Now that Ayie is no longer with us, I am more than happy to actually do something with all of the stuff we've written together. I am in it to see just how much it's worth and I am splitting equal parts with Kamal, Rashid and Ayie's family. There are millions of bands out there but I am not doing it for the fame and glory. I am not seeking any approval from anyone. I just enjoy doing it and I want to savor it for as long as it lasts. We are not the same people we were back then but we had our music. That was our connection.
