The art of losing your mind

 I am possibly losing myself entirely into my writing and it is scaring the living shit out of me. Hell yeasss I've been working my ass off on this entire work but just doing that takes up my mind entirely and I am losing my mind and time! Holy freaking hell! This is bad! I would drown myself entirely into a world I have created.....which is weird considering that I created this world back when I was about 13 or 14 years old. Yeah adolescent and depression and everything else I couldn't understand. This was a world I created because I wanted to imagine life as someone else and now, I have to rewrite because I am an adult and I need to make more sense and also, copyrights :p I was into sci-fi and epic at the same time so it was hard to get a balance of both worlds and at the same time, the neutral ground had to be here and now. It was funner back then but it was only for me to read and escape to. Then, Tasha read it. She was my only reader. She would react whenever I do shit like killing off the protagonist and stuff. She'd go WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?!!!!

Hahahahaha!!!!!!

I love tragedy and romance from like Shakespearean era......and I love Edgar Allan Poe and Emily Dickinson.......so you can imagine the kind of heroes I'd go for but at the same time, I needed to remain myself.....if that makes any sense..........

There is FidZy the singer songwriter, FidZy the sailor and FidZy the writer...........Right now, I can't tell which FidZy I am best at -_-

Sailing Coach Course Level 1

 I decided to go to a course to train to be a level 1 sailing coach which specifies in mostly racing boats such as The Optimist, ILCA and Windsurfing. It was 5 days long and the programme was packed. It's been such a long time since I've attended anything like this. It was tiring but it was so much fun. I met so many people from everywhere.

The first person I met was a guy seated at the same table as I did. His name was Arief and he was from Outward Bound Malaysia in Lumut. He sails the Weller keel boat. He takes groups of between 8-10 people sailing around Pangkor island. I'd like to do that someday and I do love monohulls big and small.

The, 2 more people joined our group. Zu and Afizall from the Malaysian Scouts in KL. They usually sail on Sundays at Port Klang with other scout members and they usually sail as crew on board a keel boat. I can't remember which boat it is but it's a monohull as well. 

The, more people showed up in the seminar room. We had some teachers from Kelantan, a coach from Selangor or N9. A bunch of UMT sailing club students. One guy was from the scouts in Terengganu. Others were sailors from the same sailing club I'm in. 

Most of us were beginner sailors. It was funny coz I was just thinking to myself that I haven't seen coach in a long while coz he's been busy and I haven't been sailing and he's been teaching us at the course for 5 days straight 😂 Coach Affendy was also the other coach who flew over from the Kedah sailing club. 

I can tell that I have probably screwed up my theory exam at this point because, I always have problems understanding questions just like how I failed my driving theory test numerous times back in the day. For the most part, I did learn so much especially when it came to safety preparations and briefing and debriefing. I also almost fell overboard from the 470 twice. I didn't 😅

This was so much fun and I managed to get to know more sailors which was super useful especially from the UMT sailing club coz they sail together with the kids from the club I'm in whenever we practice at Duyong Marina Resort 😊

DO NOT MESS WITH JEAN

 I love Jean. He's like my new shiny item in my writing world. He's so badass. I've even imagined what it'll be like if I were to add like a serious kickass fight scene with him leading. He was not in the original writings. I have Kasabian's Underdog playing everytime I write him. I've been researching his weapon of choice.......for what he does on the daily, a 10mm semi auto is fine........woah!

I need to get my shit together! I wanna go into animations but I have until tomorrow to just write and do whatever. The next 4 days or so is gonna be super intense. I am anticipating the worst because I don't do well in new environments and meeting new people isn't something I am good at. And not to forget the exam coming at the end of it all!

😱

My mind had been super occupied and the stress level I have right now is keeping me up at night. Working out did help but I have been wanting to punch a bag so badly lately..........Ok, maybe that was my fault. My current playlist is too heavily influenced by League of Legends Arcane so songs like Enemy and Whatever It Takes and Dynasties and Dystopia would really get me worked up to wanting to kick ass or something.

vibing is hard!

 I used to laugh at those jokes about the writers and readers memes I used to see online. It's actually true! Hahaha! This is so F*CKED up! 😂 I am just laughing at myself now as I struggle to find the core of a character I created when I was about 13 or 14 years old........I managed to get the playlist together to set the tone and mood but holy crap! I am losing my mind! HE IS SO FUCKING DEPRESSING TO WRITE! Well, not him but the emotions that he brings into the story and this somehow reminded me of why I couldn't kill him off. I love depressing emotions. I used to feed on my depression just so that I could write better songs and better stories and better poetry. I guess I never realized how far away I am from that state of mind now and I am struggling to live my reality and that little fictitious world I created years ago.

Shit! I have to get my shit together!

I need to focus on what's coming in the coming weeks and these emotions have NOTHING to do with it! 

*sigh*

I was looking into reefing the sails and how to do it and why we do it.......I know, it's very strange considering how I don't need to do it with the boat I am sailing now........ -_-

I try very hard not to get sidetracked with random shit that has nothing to do with me but I sometimes find it hard to do coz I just am programmed this way. I need to take a step back and refocus coz I have goals to set and goals to meet. I can't mess it up and waste more time coz God knows how much of it I have left 😂 I sound like I am dying 😂

I'm not. I just love piling shit up into my bucket list that it almost never ends. Speaking of which, I have a few things left to do before the year end and this course coming up is not it 😂

rankings

 I try very hard not to get caught up with the numbers but I can't help it. It's the first thing I see when I open the page. I have also been telling myself that with whatever I had back then and with all that I know now, I am pretty sure I can make this worth my while.....or anyone's, for that matter.

I've also been spending so much time in the studio doing random art. I have different playlists for different things I do. EDM was never my thing growing up. Now, it's the thing that gets me going. I need to refocus myself for a course happening this month. I hope I don't screw up or panic and fallout 😶  I am a bit nervous about it coz I am not at all a social person and I am about to meet new people.......maybe not entirely but I am pretty sure I need to reprogramme my mind back to being a student.......

I have been talking to Shu a lot about fluid dynamics. I need to get myself a central locking system to practise and understand the movements and calculations better. No, it's not sailing 😅 It's just something I've been thinking of doing.....among the million other things I have planned to do. I need to get myself a welding machine. I've been saying that for so long but I never get around to it -_-

I hope LinZy's surgery goes well and I hope this could end her pain once and for all.......

My mind is all over the place.........but Shu said my writing is getting better........ 😁

Parlay hunting

 I finally went to a shop and asked about a sunglasses model I had been eyeing in a while. The guy at the store said that they could order it for me and have the company/ stockist ship it over. It's a game of chance which I can foresee the outcome. Months and months and months of waiting and by the time I really need it, it's not gonna come through. Is it just me or is the courier service in this entire country has f*cked up completely?

The ones we ordered from Amazon months ago had no tracking number whatsoever. It's been about 3 months and I really don't think it's coming -_-

I have been crying a lot. The reasons are obvious but I cannot bring myself to talk about it because it just is and I hate this world so much more than I already do.

My mum finally asked me some weeks ago why is it that I hate living my life. I don't hate my life. I hate being alive in this world. I despise people. Human beings destroy everything. Especially one another. I always believed that everything that happened to the human race especially in the past couple of years is exactly what we deserve. We are gifted with intelligence to put us on top of the food chain but instead of finding solutions to already existing problems, we create more and more problems. So yeah, we deserve all the shit nature (and other things) are throwing at us.

I have also been trying to keep myself occupied with doing so many different things simultaneously. It helps my brain stay sane and away from wanting to destroy this world we live in. I lied. I am always trying clean up whatever environment I am in and I am always trying help others (humans and non-humans) I have been trying to train myself to just do what's right and fuck the rest of the world for not wanting to make things right.

It's tough but I think it's worth it.

2023 into 2024

 One of the major things I have been trying to do in my life is removing people from my life. Not killing them (although I wish I could) but more like disconnecting myself from them. There are certain types of people who simply I cannot tolerate. Most of which are people with negative outlook in basically anything.

I have come across whiners in my life. Usually, I'd try to identify if their intention in starting a conversation with me was to find a solution or a resolution or simple to unload. Once I can identify that, I would then check myself if I am in the right mindset to receive such conversations. Sometimes, if I am not on a stable psychological stage, it's just gonna annoy me or annoy them or both.......basically resulting to a very horrible outcome.

Intention is key. Some people try to approach me with an already established intention. Some people just want validation from other people......which I do not understand why. I don't believe in living up to expectations other than your own. Just make yourself happy and then, we can work on helping others.

Anywho, I do know of some people who simply cannot stand knowing that you are progressing and making developments in your life regardless in whatever aspect it may be. People with bad intentions. People who do not like other people being happy. First and foremost, do NOT be those people. It is quite apparent that these people are usually not happy themselves. At least, that's usually my initial thought on them. Then, they like to ask you how you are doing just to see if you are not having a good time like them.

People like these usually carry on conversations only and if ONLY you reply with a problem you are facing. If you simply state what you are doing and that it is mostly progress, they'd stop the conversation right there because they know you are in a better state of mind and place. They cannot accept it because they are not there. They usually never are. 

Every single thing you do is always negative to them. You cannot let their problems bother you. Instead, you should make them realise that their problem is an actual problem and that they need to get their shit together and make a move on their lives.

So yeah, I have been basically ghosting people in my life and it doesn't bother me anymore. Not like it used to. I think it's coz I like making myself happy and elevated in spirits rather than being bothered by problems that aren't even mine to begin with. It's a really good practise ^_^

At about 11:15pm on Thursday

 I received text messages from Ayumi-Chan. She basically said that LinZy was in the High Dependency Unit at a hospital in Kota Damansara and that I should inform as many people who may know her. She said she didn't have much info on it coz Lina was the one who sent out the message.

I scrolled through my phone contacts and realised that I have LinZy's phone number. I texted her hoping that she'd reply coz knowing hospitals and procedures, she may not have been able to pick up her phone if I were to call. I was a bit worried coz I wasn't aware if she had any major health issues for as long as I've known her.

Safiyya was asking me what was going on coz I was a bit panicky. I just told her a little bit about what was happening and we said a little prayer for LinZy before bed.

The next morning, LinZy replied. She's OK but she's gonna be needing either meds or surgery or both. I just hope she's not in too much pain. I hope she gets better.

You need to get better LinZy-Chan!

In my head, we're still living like we did back in our university days.....but with kids..... I always forget that we get older and we have to start looking out for ourselves a little more coz our health and immune system isn't working like how it used to 😕

Castles glitter under Spanish skies

 But I'm just looking out for you tonight

Writing has been good therapy for me. Even though it's not lyrics or songs, I still add those elements every once in a while on random pages. I forget how nice it feels to be taken away from the reality of life. I still write depressing things but not entirely. It's nice to be different people at the same time and the experience of going in and out of each character is just something I haven't done in a long while. I didn't realize how fun it was 🙂

core memory

 A friend of mine experienced one of the worst things in her life. Yesterday, she and her family were driving and as they got to a toll booth, there was a black Vellfire in front of their car. Suddenly, out of nowhere, came an Indian guy with tattoos approaching their vehicle. She said it felt like they were about to get robbed in broad daylight. The worst part was, when the guy approached their driver's window to speak to her husband, she started freaking out. No one from the toll House came out to check if everything was OK. She said that despite whatever that guy was telling them, they drove to the police station to be safe and then further carried on their discussion there. She felt safer there because the police were armed.

I don't know what people know about this country but safety is highly questionable. It's all over the news that people get mugged in broad daylight here. I grew up in a place where so called people with money live and no one is safe. Like seriously. Houses get broken into within minutes. My grandma got mugged at noon while waiting at the traffic lights. It's almost like they just say there's a safety protocol but it's not for the civilians. We are just collateral waiting for the wrong place and time..... 

Losing track of time

 My mind is everywhere and somewhere at the same time. It's hard to explain but I think some parts of my brain had been awakened by my suppression of activities. I think that instead of going down the depression route, I made a sound decision to pull myself away from there and focused on things that could take me elsewhere regardless if it's a happy place or not.

Now, I am pumped with creative thoughts which is currently being put into words, designs and music. It's fun. Sometimes it does make me unsatisfied from not being able to express it fully but that's what drafts are for. I have room for improvement and revision.

I have always found joy in writing with pen and paper and after all these years, it still feels that way whenever I pick a pen and paper to write. It's different from making art.

Also, I found myself a good playlist of songs and music to set the tone.

I was telling Shu about the good old jamming studio days. It was not just a jamming studio. It's a place where random people from random places who come together to play music and to appreciate the music of others. It's just a feel good place and time. 

I miss that sometimes....... 

I'm not really feeling like myself today

 I just want to lie on my back and close my eyes. I'm so bored but my back is killing me. It's not the workout. I think my stress level has something to do with my period cycle skipping an entire month. I have been in so much pain in the last couple of days. At least I'm not pregnant :)

I think the weather is also affecting my mood..... Somewhat........ It's been gloomy. I like gloomy considering how hot it's been.

We went to the beach yesterday. The waves were quite strong. I wonder if the weather has changed drastically in the past year or so. Predictions had been off. I think I need a break from the routine.

Or..... Maybe I'm just sleepy......and possibly hungry coz I sometimes forget to eat. Sometimes, I pass the 12 hours mark on my daily intermittent fasting routine. I sometimes fast up to 15 hours coz I just want to sleep in. It's probably not the best thing to do but food isn't something I prioritise for myself. It never was.

I need to sleep -_-

Distracted by Jellyfish

 So..... I went sailing again..... Finally. After months. I don't know if I kept making up excuses or coach really was busy with races on the west coast. Either ways, I'm glad I'm sailing again.

I have my own sailboat now so that means I'm not going to wait around for available hulls when all of the sailors return for a full day of training. Also, I have a brand new sail. Didn't realise it didn't come with battens so I had to borrow. Erm, I borrowed the rudder and dagger board too coz..... I wasn't sure which ones were supposed to be mine.

The 2 sailors who helped me set up (Nik and Daniel) got rigging and I think the ones left on my boat wasn't complete. Nik switched out the traveler block coz said the ones I had on wasn't functioning. I didn't have the dagger board tied up to the bow coz there weren't any bungee ropes left. The kids did what they could which was more than helpful. Coach Tengku is in charge of the inventory so he would have known which ones were which but he was already out at sea on the coach boat monitoring the Optimist sailors.

I didn't realise that they had a race going on that day. What's even funnier was that I tagged along coz they didn't have all the ILCA sailors back from Langkawi yet. As usual, I didn't make the marks. I was trying to get used to sailing in the ocean and I was trying to get used to the boat. I also just realised that I didn't have any telltales on so I had to learn to sail without them. Coach Salahuddin was helpful with prompting me what to do.

I wish I wasn't too distracted by the jellyfish in the water. There were so many. I kept telling myself I didn't want to fall into the water and get stung. Yeah, I was distracted. It also didn't help that I got the main sheet stuck in between the rudder and the hull.  I'm a moving catastrophe. I'm always terrified of running into the other boats who were racing or training.

Coach says I should race. The other coaches talked me into it too. I did try. I didn't make the marks and I think I got disqualified 😅

I need to sail more often......

껌딱지

 We were supposed to drive away to get Shu late lunch coz he skipped lunch today coz he ate noodles for breakfast........ Well, we drove and drove and drove........ And we ended up in Rantau Abang. The Turtle Conservation and Information Center to be specific. Yes, the Save The Turtles event is taking place. Shu said, let's stop by and check it out so we did......

This familiar dude from the science center 😁

These guys are divers and we had a chat about the sea creatures they displayed at their booth. Yeah, we have met these creatures washed up ashore. Ali Imran was so thrilled when he discovered that they are scuba divers coz that's his new goal this year 😎

This booth displayed coral regrowth efforts which I believe is by The Tamara's Hotel but the girl I was talking to said that anyone can opt to adopt a coral so I did. Funny how we agreed on how much the corals managed to grow healthily and safely during the lockdown due to lack of human activities. Honestly, I saw the photos of the corals that grew within 5 years and it's pretty good but not enough to cover the whole amount of damaged and dead corals that gets washed ashore when tourists and boats show up. It's quite sad, to be honest ☹️

I've been craving this for a while now and today, we finally got here 😊

껌딱지 ❤️

Happy 13th Year Together ❤️

 It's been a while and we had been sticking to routines a little too much coz Yusuf is 10 which means he has a lot more school activities to do. That also means that we as parents have to take school a little more seriously than how we've been doing all this while. Also, we try to avoid crowd as much as we can which is almost impossible considering the endless amount of holidays this country has in a year.

Anywho, Shu decided to do what we usually do which is last minute change in plans and we ended up on the island where we'd usually celebrate our anniversary at.

There were some things that we had to consider coz our kids are bigger now. We can't really fit into a one bedroom hotel room anymore. We also needed to make sure Ali Imran and Safiyya were able to get used to snorkeling before heading to the marine park straight away. Good thing they got the hang of it in no time at all.

Going along the lines of avoiding crowd and people, we've discovered that taking a boat from a jetty a bit further up from our house cuts the travel time by like an hour. And the kids enjoy speed boat rides too these days which is a plus point.

We had a blast eventhough it was a shorter trip than usual. We explored almost every place there was along the beach we could for food and hangout. The kids had fun 😊

Happy 13 years to us being together, baby! 

Happy birthday Ali Imran

 Ali Imran is 8 today. It's been a long week, month..... Whatever...... I think we had a pretty good month even though its super hot back at home, the temperature here is very different. It rains in the late afternoons.

I miss sailing ☹️ I especially miss sailing the 470 with Shu ⛵

I've gotten sick twice at least, once was a really bad case of acute gastritis. I managed to work out a couple of times which was pretty good considering how hot the temperature was, I was afraid of dehydration but I was OK 😁

We decided to skip Hari Raya celebrations altogether and hungout doing whatever we couldn't do all month long.

We went to watch the Super Mario Bros movie which was pretty good. I like how they kept the storyline accurate. Can't say I'm a big fan of the voice actors but I thought seeing Mario and Luigi was nice.

We were hanging around Sunway Pyramid and doing some shopping. Lunching. Coffee.

Today, we took the kids to the Splash Mania waterpark over at Gamuda Cove. It's nice coz it's new and big. The kids had fun 😊

I love the pirate ship ❤️

complacent

 It's been a crazy few months. We've been everywhere and nowhere and we've met new people and familiar faces. I've been sailing alone which is proving to be good and bad.

Because I have to sail the ILCA, I had to get help from the younger sailors for help with the rigging coz I have never set up any of the Lasers on my own. The mast is also heavy coz it comes on and off to get the sails in. These young sailors had been sailing their entire youth. I am nowhere near their ability to set up the boat with their eyes closed.

The good thing is, even though I have only sailed like 4 times on my own, Coach Mus thinks I've improved a lot. He had been helping us set up the 470 eversince I started sailing. I'm still waiting on Coach Rani to evaluate my certification. Here's my problem....... I have to capsize the boat and get it back up........ And learn the flags too........

I don't know if anyone knows at all that I am terrified of fish........ And I am terrified of swimming in waters which I cannot see the bottom of....... And I am terrified of fresh water fish........

So far, I have managed to get myself into the water everytime I need to get the boat in and out of the water. The sailing school is located where the fresh water from the rivers meet the open sea. Not entirely fresh water. Not entirely sea water but I am quite aware of what swims in these waters and it terrifies me. I'll get over it, I'm sure. I just need time.

I have automatically made it a point to make myself useful when helping other sailors get their boats up out from the water. I especially help the Optimist sailors coz they are so damn tiny and I try to help Coach Mus with the Hansa boats coz most of the sailors get off at the jetty area onto their wheelchairs so he's usually left alone to get all those boats up. I just tend to help around with ILCA sailors as well whenever they get up.

There's been a lot of competitions locally and in Singapore and Thailand recently. The international competition was the one in Langkawi. I always hope these kids get to break into the Olympics some day. I hope they'd get to train in different waters and wind conditions too like in Australia or New Zealand. They can qualify because they are highly skilled. They just need to win. That also means they need sponsors but they need to win. I hope they'll find the right people to guide them all the way up there. I know the head coach is up for it........ I just hope the rest of the management team are in the same boat.......

Shu and I got to talking about something that made me realise something about the attitude and mentality of a certain group of people which got me thinking, there is ALWAYS room for improvement. But that doesn't seem to be the case with some people and it bothers me because it was the same reason I got annoyed with something one of my students said all those years ago when I was lecturing.

It made me gave up teaching under grad students entirely because I can only do so much but if you don't feel like it's a need to do better than the best, it's just a waste of time and energy.

Having said that, I was asked why I didn't join the recent open class sailing competition. I just don't think I'm good enough. As it is, I've been struggling to keep up with the herd during training. But I'm also beginning to see why Coach had me set up for the Radial instead of the ILCA 4. At some point, that sail made me feel like I was taking a walk in the park. He wanted me to challenge myself which the Radial did. I sailed that the first time I sailed alone and I was so afraid if I was gonna get yeeted off the boat 🤣

Hello world 👋🏼

 It's February. Nothing much happened. We've been spending so much time in KL/Selangor in the past couple of weeks. Shu had some stuff to do. I realised that whenever I'm in this area, all I ever do is shop. Why is that?

Honestly, I needed a new rash vest. I've been using the one I've had since probably 2014. I'm just preparing for it to fall apart at this point. Also, I decided to get myself a cap. I'm not much of a cap person but eversince I started sailing, I'm beginning to see a need for it. Not sure if it's my style though........

We did some VR too. I'm not a fan of it but the kids couldn't get enough of it so we either have to keep going back to the arcade to play or we'd have to get a few for home use.

We spent a lot of time at parks too. Which is fun since we didn't have any access to beaches. Also, there were lakes so...... It's water. Still and calm water. Fresh water plants.

It's hard to back track exactly what happened when because we travelled home for a bit and then headed back to KL/Selangor. We had to repack because we realised that we needed some things more than others. I managed to workout which was great. I tend to lose track of time when I'm not at home. Our routine gets jumbled up and we tend to eat out which isn't great for my tummy.

Having said that, I discovered that I lost some weight too 🤔

Safiyya had been asking for her toys which we left behind when we moved last year so Shu went ahead to get them. We managed to go to IKEA over in MyTown. The kids missed that place. Our boys have come to love IKEA and showrooms because they are interested in designing their own bedrooms now. We'll probably be back for more furnitures soon.

At home, while we've been slowly trying to get the 2 grown kittens out of the house, it turns out that Chai (the female kitten) had been missing. I'd like to believe that she's found a better place to live or give birth or mate or whatever. She's been missing before but never this long. I hope she's OK. 

Moving forward......

 I've come to realise that I have become the type of person who would say "OK" to anyone who throws in an opinion at any point in time regardless if they were asked to do so........

I have also become this person who would say "Thank You" to anyone who suggests anything to me regardless if they were asked to do so.....

And if having a conversation with anyone and they decide that facts do not matter over what they think or believe despite proof, I'll just say "You are absolutely right" and then move on with my life in peace.

Looking back at how I'm always the one who tries to fix things that are broken and insists on making material things last, I have now become one who can sit back and say "Nothing Lasts Forever". I find that I am in a much better state of mind now.

I try not to associate myself with whiners because it's a complete waste of time and energy. If you just want to rant and need someone to listen but not provide any form of solution, I can deal with that.