accidental goal fulfilled

 A few years ago, we decided to move coz I wanted to learn to sail. By the end of that year, I was officially a sailor. The following year, I began writing and somewhere along the way, I found myself in a sailing coach course. By the end of that year, I wrote about 10 books and got my level 1 sailing coach certification.

Continuing with the pursuit of being creative, I continued writing and designing and drawing and painting and before I knew it, I was writing songs a couple of weeks ago. Not the way I usually write songs but before this year ends, I have already put out at least 18 songs on YouTube. It's not something I planned to do but I did it and I am still doing it. And I am also writing and painting and sketching and gaming at the same time.

I have some plans for what I wanna do next but I think it's gonna take some time. I'm up for the challenge. Bring it!

Oh yeah, I have also joined the "Glorious Evolution" of Viktor Nation 😂

vibing is hard!

 I used to laugh at those jokes about the writers and readers memes I used to see online. It's actually true! Hahaha! This is so F*CKED up! 😂 I am just laughing at myself now as I struggle to find the core of a character I created when I was about 13 or 14 years old........I managed to get the playlist together to set the tone and mood but holy crap! I am losing my mind! HE IS SO FUCKING DEPRESSING TO WRITE! Well, not him but the emotions that he brings into the story and this somehow reminded me of why I couldn't kill him off. I love depressing emotions. I used to feed on my depression just so that I could write better songs and better stories and better poetry. I guess I never realized how far away I am from that state of mind now and I am struggling to live my reality and that little fictitious world I created years ago.

Shit! I have to get my shit together!

I need to focus on what's coming in the coming weeks and these emotions have NOTHING to do with it! 

*sigh*

I was looking into reefing the sails and how to do it and why we do it.......I know, it's very strange considering how I don't need to do it with the boat I am sailing now........ -_-

I try very hard not to get sidetracked with random shit that has nothing to do with me but I sometimes find it hard to do coz I just am programmed this way. I need to take a step back and refocus coz I have goals to set and goals to meet. I can't mess it up and waste more time coz God knows how much of it I have left 😂 I sound like I am dying 😂

I'm not. I just love piling shit up into my bucket list that it almost never ends. Speaking of which, I have a few things left to do before the year end and this course coming up is not it 😂

2023 into 2024

 One of the major things I have been trying to do in my life is removing people from my life. Not killing them (although I wish I could) but more like disconnecting myself from them. There are certain types of people who simply I cannot tolerate. Most of which are people with negative outlook in basically anything.

I have come across whiners in my life. Usually, I'd try to identify if their intention in starting a conversation with me was to find a solution or a resolution or simple to unload. Once I can identify that, I would then check myself if I am in the right mindset to receive such conversations. Sometimes, if I am not on a stable psychological stage, it's just gonna annoy me or annoy them or both.......basically resulting to a very horrible outcome.

Intention is key. Some people try to approach me with an already established intention. Some people just want validation from other people......which I do not understand why. I don't believe in living up to expectations other than your own. Just make yourself happy and then, we can work on helping others.

Anywho, I do know of some people who simply cannot stand knowing that you are progressing and making developments in your life regardless in whatever aspect it may be. People with bad intentions. People who do not like other people being happy. First and foremost, do NOT be those people. It is quite apparent that these people are usually not happy themselves. At least, that's usually my initial thought on them. Then, they like to ask you how you are doing just to see if you are not having a good time like them.

People like these usually carry on conversations only and if ONLY you reply with a problem you are facing. If you simply state what you are doing and that it is mostly progress, they'd stop the conversation right there because they know you are in a better state of mind and place. They cannot accept it because they are not there. They usually never are. 

Every single thing you do is always negative to them. You cannot let their problems bother you. Instead, you should make them realise that their problem is an actual problem and that they need to get their shit together and make a move on their lives.

So yeah, I have been basically ghosting people in my life and it doesn't bother me anymore. Not like it used to. I think it's coz I like making myself happy and elevated in spirits rather than being bothered by problems that aren't even mine to begin with. It's a really good practise ^_^

complacent

 It's been a crazy few months. We've been everywhere and nowhere and we've met new people and familiar faces. I've been sailing alone which is proving to be good and bad.

Because I have to sail the ILCA, I had to get help from the younger sailors for help with the rigging coz I have never set up any of the Lasers on my own. The mast is also heavy coz it comes on and off to get the sails in. These young sailors had been sailing their entire youth. I am nowhere near their ability to set up the boat with their eyes closed.

The good thing is, even though I have only sailed like 4 times on my own, Coach Mus thinks I've improved a lot. He had been helping us set up the 470 eversince I started sailing. I'm still waiting on Coach Rani to evaluate my certification. Here's my problem....... I have to capsize the boat and get it back up........ And learn the flags too........

I don't know if anyone knows at all that I am terrified of fish........ And I am terrified of swimming in waters which I cannot see the bottom of....... And I am terrified of fresh water fish........

So far, I have managed to get myself into the water everytime I need to get the boat in and out of the water. The sailing school is located where the fresh water from the rivers meet the open sea. Not entirely fresh water. Not entirely sea water but I am quite aware of what swims in these waters and it terrifies me. I'll get over it, I'm sure. I just need time.

I have automatically made it a point to make myself useful when helping other sailors get their boats up out from the water. I especially help the Optimist sailors coz they are so damn tiny and I try to help Coach Mus with the Hansa boats coz most of the sailors get off at the jetty area onto their wheelchairs so he's usually left alone to get all those boats up. I just tend to help around with ILCA sailors as well whenever they get up.

There's been a lot of competitions locally and in Singapore and Thailand recently. The international competition was the one in Langkawi. I always hope these kids get to break into the Olympics some day. I hope they'd get to train in different waters and wind conditions too like in Australia or New Zealand. They can qualify because they are highly skilled. They just need to win. That also means they need sponsors but they need to win. I hope they'll find the right people to guide them all the way up there. I know the head coach is up for it........ I just hope the rest of the management team are in the same boat.......

Shu and I got to talking about something that made me realise something about the attitude and mentality of a certain group of people which got me thinking, there is ALWAYS room for improvement. But that doesn't seem to be the case with some people and it bothers me because it was the same reason I got annoyed with something one of my students said all those years ago when I was lecturing.

It made me gave up teaching under grad students entirely because I can only do so much but if you don't feel like it's a need to do better than the best, it's just a waste of time and energy.

Having said that, I was asked why I didn't join the recent open class sailing competition. I just don't think I'm good enough. As it is, I've been struggling to keep up with the herd during training. But I'm also beginning to see why Coach had me set up for the Radial instead of the ILCA 4. At some point, that sail made me feel like I was taking a walk in the park. He wanted me to challenge myself which the Radial did. I sailed that the first time I sailed alone and I was so afraid if I was gonna get yeeted off the boat 🤣