The art of losing your mind

 I am possibly losing myself entirely into my writing and it is scaring the living shit out of me. Hell yeasss I've been working my ass off on this entire work but just doing that takes up my mind entirely and I am losing my mind and time! Holy freaking hell! This is bad! I would drown myself entirely into a world I have created.....which is weird considering that I created this world back when I was about 13 or 14 years old. Yeah adolescent and depression and everything else I couldn't understand. This was a world I created because I wanted to imagine life as someone else and now, I have to rewrite because I am an adult and I need to make more sense and also, copyrights :p I was into sci-fi and epic at the same time so it was hard to get a balance of both worlds and at the same time, the neutral ground had to be here and now. It was funner back then but it was only for me to read and escape to. Then, Tasha read it. She was my only reader. She would react whenever I do shit like killing off the protagonist and stuff. She'd go WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?!!!!

Hahahahaha!!!!!!

I love tragedy and romance from like Shakespearean era......and I love Edgar Allan Poe and Emily Dickinson.......so you can imagine the kind of heroes I'd go for but at the same time, I needed to remain myself.....if that makes any sense..........

There is FidZy the singer songwriter, FidZy the sailor and FidZy the writer...........Right now, I can't tell which FidZy I am best at -_-

Sailing Coach Course Level 1

 I decided to go to a course to train to be a level 1 sailing coach which specifies in mostly racing boats such as The Optimist, ILCA and Windsurfing. It was 5 days long and the programme was packed. It's been such a long time since I've attended anything like this. It was tiring but it was so much fun. I met so many people from everywhere.

The first person I met was a guy seated at the same table as I did. His name was Arief and he was from Outward Bound Malaysia in Lumut. He sails the Weller keel boat. He takes groups of between 8-10 people sailing around Pangkor island. I'd like to do that someday and I do love monohulls big and small.

The, 2 more people joined our group. Zu and Afizall from the Malaysian Scouts in KL. They usually sail on Sundays at Port Klang with other scout members and they usually sail as crew on board a keel boat. I can't remember which boat it is but it's a monohull as well. 

The, more people showed up in the seminar room. We had some teachers from Kelantan, a coach from Selangor or N9. A bunch of UMT sailing club students. One guy was from the scouts in Terengganu. Others were sailors from the same sailing club I'm in. 

Most of us were beginner sailors. It was funny coz I was just thinking to myself that I haven't seen coach in a long while coz he's been busy and I haven't been sailing and he's been teaching us at the course for 5 days straight 😂 Coach Affendy was also the other coach who flew over from the Kedah sailing club. 

I can tell that I have probably screwed up my theory exam at this point because, I always have problems understanding questions just like how I failed my driving theory test numerous times back in the day. For the most part, I did learn so much especially when it came to safety preparations and briefing and debriefing. I also almost fell overboard from the 470 twice. I didn't 😅

This was so much fun and I managed to get to know more sailors which was super useful especially from the UMT sailing club coz they sail together with the kids from the club I'm in whenever we practice at Duyong Marina Resort 😊

DO NOT MESS WITH JEAN

 I love Jean. He's like my new shiny item in my writing world. He's so badass. I've even imagined what it'll be like if I were to add like a serious kickass fight scene with him leading. He was not in the original writings. I have Kasabian's Underdog playing everytime I write him. I've been researching his weapon of choice.......for what he does on the daily, a 10mm semi auto is fine........woah!

I need to get my shit together! I wanna go into animations but I have until tomorrow to just write and do whatever. The next 4 days or so is gonna be super intense. I am anticipating the worst because I don't do well in new environments and meeting new people isn't something I am good at. And not to forget the exam coming at the end of it all!

😱

My mind had been super occupied and the stress level I have right now is keeping me up at night. Working out did help but I have been wanting to punch a bag so badly lately..........Ok, maybe that was my fault. My current playlist is too heavily influenced by League of Legends Arcane so songs like Enemy and Whatever It Takes and Dynasties and Dystopia would really get me worked up to wanting to kick ass or something.

vibing is hard!

 I used to laugh at those jokes about the writers and readers memes I used to see online. It's actually true! Hahaha! This is so F*CKED up! 😂 I am just laughing at myself now as I struggle to find the core of a character I created when I was about 13 or 14 years old........I managed to get the playlist together to set the tone and mood but holy crap! I am losing my mind! HE IS SO FUCKING DEPRESSING TO WRITE! Well, not him but the emotions that he brings into the story and this somehow reminded me of why I couldn't kill him off. I love depressing emotions. I used to feed on my depression just so that I could write better songs and better stories and better poetry. I guess I never realized how far away I am from that state of mind now and I am struggling to live my reality and that little fictitious world I created years ago.

Shit! I have to get my shit together!

I need to focus on what's coming in the coming weeks and these emotions have NOTHING to do with it! 

*sigh*

I was looking into reefing the sails and how to do it and why we do it.......I know, it's very strange considering how I don't need to do it with the boat I am sailing now........ -_-

I try very hard not to get sidetracked with random shit that has nothing to do with me but I sometimes find it hard to do coz I just am programmed this way. I need to take a step back and refocus coz I have goals to set and goals to meet. I can't mess it up and waste more time coz God knows how much of it I have left 😂 I sound like I am dying 😂

I'm not. I just love piling shit up into my bucket list that it almost never ends. Speaking of which, I have a few things left to do before the year end and this course coming up is not it 😂

rankings

 I try very hard not to get caught up with the numbers but I can't help it. It's the first thing I see when I open the page. I have also been telling myself that with whatever I had back then and with all that I know now, I am pretty sure I can make this worth my while.....or anyone's, for that matter.

I've also been spending so much time in the studio doing random art. I have different playlists for different things I do. EDM was never my thing growing up. Now, it's the thing that gets me going. I need to refocus myself for a course happening this month. I hope I don't screw up or panic and fallout 😶  I am a bit nervous about it coz I am not at all a social person and I am about to meet new people.......maybe not entirely but I am pretty sure I need to reprogramme my mind back to being a student.......

I have been talking to Shu a lot about fluid dynamics. I need to get myself a central locking system to practise and understand the movements and calculations better. No, it's not sailing 😅 It's just something I've been thinking of doing.....among the million other things I have planned to do. I need to get myself a welding machine. I've been saying that for so long but I never get around to it -_-

I hope LinZy's surgery goes well and I hope this could end her pain once and for all.......

My mind is all over the place.........but Shu said my writing is getting better........ 😁