My broken pieces don't fit in

 I crashed. It's been a while. It's been a long while. I think it's just pressure. I think it's an accumulation of stress.

I wish I could just wake up one day and just "get over it". I've been battling this for so long. It's always back and forth.

I am trying to get over something that happened over 20 years ago. In fact, it's probably a lot longer than that. I am aware of the contributional factors. I thought I've addressed them and it's all gone and forgotten.

I was wrong. I can't fix this. I can never fix this.

I'm so sick and tired of listening to psychologists and counselors telling me shit I already know. I know what my problems are. I can't make it go away. I have been suppressing memories. It's making me forget so many things along the way. 

so this is how it feels to let it go to let it fall apart

Here's the truth about everything that's been going down in the last couple of months.I am slowly deteriorating.Very soon,I might just self destruct.I can't do this anymore.It's hard to talk to myself or to talk to Kecik for that matter.He doesn't say anything.He probably doesn't know what's been happening.

I am not paying attention in classes.Well,except for Arabic coz its a language subject.I can't think of writing my EAP paper eventhough I already have an outline with drafts and stuff.I am failing some subjects for midterms and quizzes.I have trouble paying attention especially to stuff which aren't really comprhendable.

I am alone and I don't know where I'm going.I wish to say goodbye for good.I can't stand this world I live in.There's too much pain and I cannot do anything to stop it.I can't even make my own pain go away.I too am counting down the days till this world finally breaks apart.I hope I won't live long enough to have to live through that.I have enough on my back as it is.

I don't know why I keep trying so hard at a lot of things.I can't do it.I should have known.I am not as strong as I thought I was.I am not as smart as I always hoped to be.I can't keep up.I keep getting stuck and talking to other people makes me feel like I am speaking a different language altogether.One that no one understands.