The animal in me

Although isolation had always been my way of life and that my sister thinks I am most likely to come out of this quarantine like myself, it gets a bit repetitive for me.

I try doing different things everyday like scrapbooking and playing the guitar and singing. Some things are still the same. 

I have started working out everyday which is nice but for some reason, my appetite has dropped.I can't say if it is caused by working out or that I am having a mild anxiety attack.

I still love it when it rains. 

My mind has been drifting back and forth in between daydreaming and being fully awake. I keep finding myself in thoughts from just a glimpse of memory I had from a time in my life. It's very strange. 

I have tried writing a lot. Lyrics. Poetry. Thoughts. Anything. I have also attempted to write new songs. Shu thinks I should record my old songs from when I was 16.

I need to rearrange a lot of words.

I am missing avocado toasts from Wolf and Turtle 😭

AURORA did a thing for us! ❤️

This song is stuck in my head now

Today's vibe :Deep Purple

Specifically, Burn!!!

Hun går ferilisseræna féressu

Hun går férilisserana irsser
Ruriguere
Ruriguere
Lissiræna hun går
Fîri lisinof
Fîri lisinof

Lost in a concrete jungle

These past couple of years had been very strange for me. I seem to find myself trying to fit in all over again. It's as though I cannot understand why things are the way they are here where I live. It feels as though I am out of place in a place where I have been living all my life. Does this even make sense?

There is like a sense of longing somewhere which is not here. I have tried being myself and I have tried not being myself just to see which version of me appeals most to the people I interact with. It sounds like a social experiment but I have not been interacting with many human beings.

I feel like a child on his first day of school. Trying to be nice to everyone but my efforts go unnoticed because I am somewhat afraid to just be myself. I would like to think that freedom is the feeling when you are drenched in the pouring rain but it makes you so happy that you dance and jump and run because you feel alive. This behavior is not common for people who perceives me the way they think they know me.

I would sometimes close my eyes and take a deep breath just to let myself be somewhere else for a little while. Then I'd open my eyes and I am here where I was before.

Why do people think quality living is living in a vertical space in a crowded place where there are pollution and destruction and chaos but by having things such as extra parking spaces and infinity pools and gymnasium and saunas,you are essentially living the ultimate city life. People own cars which cost the price of a house which can go really fast without realizing the roads are broken and cracked and full of holes and cars.

What is "prime" location? The only meaning it brings to me is congestion and hectic. Unnecessary cost of pretty much everything and nothing is quality. They label things as organic and healthy but all you are paying for is something that could cost a fraction of the price. It makes no sense.

There is no kindness or politeness or manners. Everything and everyone is fast moving.Everything must be here and now. Whenever the car slows down in heavy traffic,you could see the different types of plants that grow naturally and healthy. They make me happy. Children doing weird quirky things make me happy. I do not have many adult friends and it probably is for a good reason considering I grew up with most of my friends being felines.

When the last tree has fallen and the rivers are poisoned,You cannot eat money oh no.....

Just like the seed
I don't know where to go
Through dirt and shadow, I grow
I'm reaching light through the struggle
Just like the seed
I'm chasing the wonder
I unravel myself
All in slow motion

You cannot eat money, oh no
You cannot eat money, oh no
When the last tree has fallen
And the rivers are poisoned
You cannot eat money, oh no
You cannot eat money, oh no
You cannot eat money, oh no
When the last tree has fallen
And the rivers are poisoned
You cannot eat money, oh no
Oh no

Suffocate me
So my tears can be rain
I will water the ground where I stand
So the flowers can grow back again
'Cause just like the seed
Everything wants to live
We are burning our fingers
But we learn and forgive

You cannot eat money, oh no
You cannot eat money, oh no
When the last tree has fallen
And the rivers are poisoned
You cannot eat money, oh no
You cannot eat money, oh no
You cannot eat money, oh no
When the last tree has fallen
And the rivers are poisoned
You cannot eat money, oh no
Oh no

Feed me sunlight, feed me air
In a place where nothing matters
Feed me truth and feed me prayer (dancing around a shooting star)
And every cell remembers
Feed me sunlight, feed me air (that have taken us this far)
I see images of killer whales
Feed me truth and feed me prayers (sleeping in a desert trail)
Dreaming of a parallel world where nothing ever hurts
Dreaming of a parallel world where nothing ever hurts

You cannot eat money, oh no
You cannot eat money, oh no
When the last tree has fallen
And the rivers are poisoned
You cannot eat money, oh no
You cannot eat money, oh no
You cannot eat money, oh no
When the last tree has fallen
And the rivers are poisoned
You cannot eat money, oh no
Oh no

February 17th 2020

Well, my birthday was on a weekday and that usually means it's not a good time to be out and about because we have a routine to stick to and getting up early is compulsory. However, Shu insisted on celebrating even if it's just a small celebration.

So we woke up early, sent the kids to school and we headed into the city coz he said there's this place he wants to take me to but it's a surprise. We got there and parked the car and then discovered that it's non-halal.

Good thing there was a coffee shop right next to it. Coffee in the morning is always a good thing for me. The shop didn't have much food so we decided to walk to KLCC from where we were.

Morning walks are fun just not in the middle of the city. It got sunnier as we moved. There were construction sites everywhere. Typical KL.

We finally made it and we had early brunch because we didn't want to be late for the kids. It was fun. We had Dotty's. My sister told me about the branch in Taman Tun but I'll never go there. I had a good time :)

That night, everyone got ready early for a birthday dinner. Again, he said it was a surprise so I had no idea where we were going. It was a place close to home. Food was awesome!

Laguna Redang, 10th year visit

Before anything, we already have plans to return this year. We've been coming back here since we first got married (before Yusuf).

This year, Safiyya is old enough to appreciate the pool and beach sand. She and Ali Imran are not the swimming in the ocean getting soaked type. Yusuf is already snorkeling. I am still terrified of fish.

I could have sworn the same fish had been trolling me for years. According to Shu, it's a Parrot Fish. Doesn't matter what it's called, it scares me every damn time I'm in the water.

The island just opened after being closed during the monsoon season. I was desperate to get out in the sun because city life was really pushing me back into depression and I do not miss being depressed.

It rained one time but I never realized how happy I was getting soaked in the rain. I used to run in the rain and being in the rain by the beach was awesome.

The next day, the weather started picking up. That was great 😊