Tell my family and friends it is okay when I'm gone

And from the clouds so far away,

I will be safe looking down 

I was at my parents house today. Had lunch and all. It was just my mom and dad and Rashid at home....... And some cats. Some fat ass cats.

The kids were excited about the cats although they were a little terrified still about touching them. My parents found my old realistic cat plushie my grandmother got me from Japan when I was little. Suhaila plays with it now. She calls it Scratches. Because that plushie was in the lounge area, my kids calls my mum's cats "real" cats 😑

Today, we found out that my dad is wearing hearing aids. I was saddened a little. He was telling Shu the process of getting it and how much it costs. It's fucking crazy how they try to incorporate shit like Bluetooth into those things. The hearing loss is an aftermath of the brain surgery he had years ago.

My mom was just asking me about the kids and all. We won't be seeing them till probably after Eid. In fact, we won't be seeing anyone, I think. Kids will be starting school soon. We're gonna be super busy and it's Ali Imran's first year in primary school. I hope he'll be OK. He gets a little hyperactive sometimes and he is easily bothered by the littlest things. 

We're also trying to get Safiyya into school this year. She's starting to sound like me and I really need her to have friends her age. She'll be 5 this year. 

Our lives are about to change. I am hoping and praying that we'll manage to keep it on track. 

Is it just me or is KL really, really, really cold these days? 

Being so alive Can hurt so very much

 When you're losing touch

That dream I had about a white owl some weeks ago.........it's not in my nature to decipher dreams but that dream was strange and calm and overwhelming all at once. 

Have you ever just decided to just stop giving a damn about everything or everyone else who were once supposedly the people who should be there for you but then, it's as though you woke up from a dream that whatever relationship or connections you thought you had with them were all just in your mind and that you actually don't matter as much as you thought you did to them so you just decided to let go?

Shu always said that if you were at the receiving end of a hurtful, empty minded argument, it's highly unlikely that you would be able to let go and move on as opposed to the one who is attacking at the time, mindlessly and then, they don't remember what ever it is they said and thinks that everything would just go back to normal once everything calms down. He's right. 

My depression began when I was about 14 and there was never a single day I never wished that I just died. Battling that with school and studies and not wanting to come home but you have no choice so you just lock yourself up in the room. I had friends but no one understood or knew what was happening coz everyone was on different state of minds so we were never on the same emotional level.

 Anywho, I never had any plans to make it through my life pass the age of 17 but here I am. I somehow managed to pull through. I made choices in my life which led me here. I am pretty sure there is a reason somewhere. There always is.

I have made the decision to let go of some people in my life because it makes no difference if I am alive or dead to them. Also, I have come to feel the same way for them as well.   

I dance as I'm falling.........

 But I never touch the ground.......

It's been a long while since I checked back into this dimension. My mind has not been able to focus on anything,really.

For one, I did go on a short holiday just to let the kids go see dinosaur animatronics. It was fun. I liked how the Brachiosaurus was in full scale since it was outdoors. I have been missing the sea breeze and sunlight and just wetting my feet in sea water while walking by the beach and collecting shells. Managed to get shitloads of bug bites all over my legs.

Yusuf turned 9 on the 21st but we had to keep the celebration on the minimum coz he's not well. He's been coughing and with his history of lungs that are very sensitive, Shu and I are always looking for out him extra when he's sick especially when it involves him coughing. The doctor said he's not wheezing or anything serious. He's just coughing and it hurts his rib cage when he gets into a series of coughs non-stop. Sometimes, I'd see him fall asleep looking exhausted. 

He's 9 this year! OMG! He understands the value of money so he's quite careful when asking for a birthday present. Also, he realized that he has shitloads of toys anyways. The 2 babies wanted to go to Toys 'R' Us of course........to get Yusuf's birthday present. Shu took them to a game store instead and got him a game card for his switch.

Our last meeting with Eeno was on the 20th. He told me that he's never worked so hard in his life. I think it's good that he feels that way because when you work in an office environment, you don't always give it a 110% and even on days that you slack off, you'd still get paid at the end of the month. And still, people complain about their jobs. 

Shu has been managing people working in his office for years and everytime he comes home and talks to me about people in general, we'd always have the same conclusion. People who work and gets paid at the end of the month regardless, would never appreciate how much effort it takes to actually makes a profit when it comes to the planning of the business and having to go for meetings to get clients. They slack off and then just apologize insincerely about their mistakes and go about with their lives and expects a paycheck at the end of the month.

I don't belong in an office environment. I don't understand what people talk about half the times and most of the time, they complain. 

Went to see my parents the other day after dropping some stuff off over at Eeno's new place. My mum was going about how my sister and her "friends" have this place for "Muslimah Women" and that they'd have yoga classes and there's a montessori for the kids and there's a cafe. I find it strange how she said it's a place for women only and when they are there they dress down. WTH does that mean? I dress down at home everyday. 

My mum always thinks that I need to belong in a community. I finally told her that I cannot belong in a community and I won't ever fit into a community especially THAT kind of community. I don't understand half the things they talk about. I can't relate to anything they talk about. They're not into abandoned properties or proton packs or welding machines.........or even cars..........WTF is Yoga?! Isn't that some sort of old people exercise because it's so low impact?

I think I just cannot relate to most people anymore and whatever it is they think is just not making sense to me.........Of course, if I start saying shit like "I am against feminism" or the term "women empowerment" has lost its true meaning, I know for a fact I'm gonna get kicked out immediately. 

Feel some hearts, I wouldn't lie

I have memories that travels my mind

Fear not, fear not when you go

I have pieces of your hate in my soul

Look at me now, I'm falling apart in daylight

All the pieces that I lost I have loved

It's nice to see Eeno again after so long. I don't go to my mum's house very often for a variety of reasons. Some of which being that I am super busy with the kids school schedule and readjusting my routines to their schedule. Also, I usually would video call my mum..........

The times that I do visit my parents, Eeno would either be super busy or just avoiding my sister. The reasons matters not for I understand exactly why he does so.

It's funny how he and I are on the same page on so many things. I am happy to see he's making progress. Xin Xien is super busy so I doubt if I'll ever see her anytime soon. My mum sent me the video of their wedding tea ceremony after nikah at my parents house. It was simple and nice.

Anywho, I have just been bitten by shit loads of mosquitoes in a very short amount of time. If they were piranhas, I'd be dead. My mind have been on arts and doodling and crafting in the last couple of days. I haven't been jamming on the guitar.

For some reason, I have Garmadon in mind....... As a subject for doodle practice......

I pulled myself together a couple of nights ago and visited my Sims. I miss them and I was trying to remember what I did last time I played. I messed up big time. I hate myself for messing up things with my sims especially with Jack and Joseph Conrad 😭

Why do I ruin the things I love?!!! 

Suffocate me so my tears can be rain

I will water the ground where I stand

So the flowers can grow back again

Safiyya wanted to go to the playground in Cyberjaya and she wanted the ice-cream from the ice-cream man there so we stayed over at Le Meridien Putrajaya for 2 nights just so that we can be closer to the park. I also wanted to take the kids to Smiggle to get backpacks. 

This is our second time at this hotel in just a matter of a week. The kids love the hotel coz we took a connecting room. Shu and I need our privacy. Also both rooms have bathrooms with bathtubs. Coincidentally, I got some bath bombs from Lush so they coz to fizz away in glitter.

This time around, I brought my workout gear coz I don't like to skip my routines. The best part was when I decided to join the kids swimming at the pool downstairs. I managed to do laps. Later on, we came back to the room for lunch and then Yusuf had classes till about 4pm. I did a 20-minute workout routine. After that, we headed off to the park.

It's always nice to be back in Cyberjaya once in a while. Yusuf grew up there. Shu and I bought our first house there. Now, Safiyya loves the park. It was a good quick getaway. On the day we checked out, we decided to have lunch at El Cantina in Taman Melawati coz it's been a while since we've been there. Also, we managed to teach the kids a game of pool. It was fun.

Today, Shu and I decided to move some furnitures around the house and did some major cleaning. Also, today is my cardio workout day. I am tired!

I dangle up on rooftops

Before I push you off...........

Was on the phone with my mom a couple of nights ago. She's been getting worried about things in Taman Tun because it seems like more and more people have died from Covid. Taman Tun is a small town. You really know just about anyone there. I also think everyday people die and people die from the pandemic. It's just alarming when things like this happen to the people around you even though you don't know them personally.

I keep telling her to not lose her shit now. Kak Yah has been telling her to keep it together too coz it's one thing if you are down in sickness but losing your motivation and muchness is not going to help in the slightest bit. Also, I keep saying it again and again. If you don't have any business being out and about, you probably should just stay indoors. If you do happen to be out and about amongst other human beings, it's probably a good idea to get rid of your clothes that you wore out and stuff em all into the washer and take a thorough shower before interacting with other people at home.

Why is it that people always feel the need to be outside? Even during a lockdown they feel the need to be out and about doing something absolutely petty like buying kuih. WHY? And seriously, if you have kids, the playground isn't as important as their health and safety. Just stay in.

Eid Adha is coming up. Last year, we drove back to Terengganu coz Shu's parents didn't have anyone to help them with the meat cutting and distribution process. I like going back to Shu's home. It's always so much fun. We haven't been back ever since. There's been lockdowns after lockdowns and Shu's parents are here in their Selangor home anyways. I just miss the drive and scenic views. And sunlight..........

I also am in need to get a haircut. I last cut my hair last year.........in June. Yeah, it's been over a year......I am not one to always spend so much time at the hair salon but I do it yearly coz I hate being idle and away from the kids and Shu. I can't have too complicated of a hairstyle either coz I spend a lot of time working out and doing things like swimming or soaking up the sun and salt water by the beach. I've been giving the kids haircuts anyways. My boys are growing out their hair. Safiyya needs a haircut every once in a while coz her hair gets super long and in the way. Shu has been wanting a haircut but I have been trying to convince him to grow out his hair. He has nice wavy hair. I like it ^_^

Just like the seed , I'm chasing the wonder

 Shu and I were having coffee after lunch today and had a talk about the things that annoy him about people in general. He said that lately, he seems to be surrounded by people who complain and whine a lot. When they were working and busy and had a hectic schedule, they were complaining and whining and now that everyone's got more free time, instead of looking for a hobby or just finding useful things to do, they have more time to complain and whine.

I think they just need an outlet. It's like blogging. It's an outlet and a place for me to let out emotions in the form of words. I don't mean to harm anyone in any way and I feel like they feel the same when they complain or whine...........or rant.........

Shu's just annoyed coz he too had plans that didn't turn out the way he wanted them to but he just kept it to himself. I'd usually talk to him or write or blog about things that bothers me. I think they need an outlet. Getting a hobby is a really good start. But again, I like to write out wherever and whenever and it's therapeutic. I highly recommend it ^_^ 

I've also noticed how people have a lot to say about a lot of things but most of the time, it's just comments and nothing more. The slight problem is that they like to say it out loud as if it makes a difference at all. Again, I cannot stress this enough already. DO something PRODUCTIVE even if it is a comment or a remark or a personal opinion. Be progressive and productive. Also, dream a little. It really helps to just plan out a huge dream that seems impossible to do but until you try to do something about it, it's not gonna get you anywhere.

Things change and plans sometimes doesn't work out the way you want them to but I am pretty sure you have other plans too. Have multiple plans! Shu and I are both dreamers and we spend a lot of time talking to each other about what we'd like to achieve someday and we are opened to suggestions from each other regardless if it sounds impossible. 

I fall asleep in my own tears, I cry for the world, For everyone

 Last week, I bit the bullet and went to see a doctor for some antibiotics. The doctor was acting weird coz she was terrified if I the Covid-19 but I didn't know and I was like "Well,that's why I'm here now........" I was coughing and the sniffles was a result of me coughing so bad. I've checked all the symptoms and I was more than fine. She gave me the meds and had this hopeful look that she wasn't going to get some follow up report about me and the damn Covid-19.

 I am getting better and I haven't been out nor was I ever out and about prior to getting sick. My immune system is the worst coz I never leave my home. The most I'd do is go down the elevator to the carpark and into the car. I never leave the car. I have my mask on everytime I am outside.

I had my mask on when Aina came over with Zairy. I had my mask on when my sister came over to deliver the bookshelf I had Simon built for us. I'd have my mask on even on days when I am not sick and playing kick ball in the playground area within my house compound.

Anywho, Simon and Wani came over with the kids. They delivered the bookshelf and had some business discussion with Shu. Had lunch and coffee and all. I played with the kids. They are so funny.

Yesterday, we went to Aina's new house. She just got the keys a couple of weeks ago and Zairy had been going back and forth from Terengganu getting all the lights and fans fixed and checking all the defects. That's why his guitar and amplifier is at our house. Shu was helping him fix his Gibson and in return, he left his Boss Katana amp for us to jam with. He also left his 10 year old guitar from under his bed which had not been touched for.......well,about 10 years. We changed the pickup which was fun coz I love using the soldering machine ^_^

Safiyya's been hanging out with us everytime we jam in the studio and she really wants a guitar. Shu had been teaching the boys how to play the acoustic guitar but it's a bit too big for them so Shu's looking into getting them a kid size guitar for them to practise on. We've been looking into getting an electronic drum set coz I think I'm gonna start playing the drums again after so long.

I was never a drummer in any of the bands I used to jam with but I do play the drums in my own time.

This cough is annoying coz I can't sing.......I hate listening to AURORA and not be able to sing along 😑

It was so funny when we visited Shu's parents while we were at Aina's house. His mum had been sick but she looked at me and asked why I was looking so pale.............Shu said it's coz I live like a vampire and don't ever get sunlight outside the house...........kinda true 😛

My playlist as of late had been Deep Purple, Led Zeppelin, Jimi Hendrix and KISS............on repeat.......I love it!

We have come here for you, and we're coming in peace

Mothership will take you on higher, higher
This world you live in is not a place for someone like you
Come on, let us take you home

Someone sent me a text message. Jokes. At first glance, I was thinking "boomer jokes". Then, I read it out loud to Shu. Then he pointed out that it was more like a millennial thing. I was a bit confused. I don't even know what the correct category is anymore coz everyone seem to think that it's a problem. Or not. 

Anywho, I don't find it funny. Not in the slightest bit. Shu's reaction was "Maybe that's why they are not happy" which totally made sense. I have never felt like being married is a problem. I don't feel superior or inferior to Shu being my spouse. There never was a competition between us in terms of gender or responsibility because I think the household works because we each play our part and we still help eachother out whenever we need to.

It's always weird to me whenever someone says being married is "tied down" to one person. It wouldn't be marriage otherwise. The jokes went along the lines of "being married to one idiot and taking criticism from one idiot instead of being appreciated by loads of others" Well, if you are not happy with the person you agreed on marrying in the first place, maybe you wouldn't be where you are. Actually, you have the liberty to walk out at any time you want because at the end of the day, it's your life after all.

They go on to things like "I'm stuck here with this idiot" and I'm like "why don't you just leave?" Are you feeling insecured about being alone? Are you not able to secure a place on your own? Are you enjoying your lifestyle but not your company? If you really do feel like you are much better than your spouse or partner then I don't think it's a successful partnership to begin with. It's just you whining about how much greener the grass is on the other side but you don't seem to have the guts to actually go ahead and leave.

It's really strange to me. I don't ever think of anyone else less than myself. Especially Shu. He's the smartest person I know. I'm not better than him or I've never looked at our relationship as a competition. He feels like I have done things for the family which he cannot do. Again,we are in this together,playing our parts. We are not alike in terms of personality but that is what makes it fun. We appreciate our differences and workout our disagreements. We don't always agree on the same things but we meet eachother halfway.

It's kinda weird that the person who sent me the joke is also the same person who told me years ago that marriage is about meeting eachother halfway and working out our differences. Maybe it really was just a joke after all. Just not a very funny one.

I was dancing in the rain I felt alive and I can't complain

 I miss dancing and playing in the rain. I also miss sunshine and the beach. I miss the sea breeze. I miss driving anywhere with a takeaway coffee and just chatting away with Shu while the kids fall asleep in their carseats. I miss watching the kids practising for their Sports Day or School Year End performances.

But now take me home
Take me home where I belong
I can't take it anymore

I miss jamming in a studio with actual drums and a bunch of goofy people who'd play anything and sing anyhow we can sing. I miss taking off in the middle of the night and just drive away into a different state and do whatever and then come home some days later with Shu and the kids.

Yesterday was Eeno's birthday. We wished him via text messages and voice messages. I haven't seen him in a long while. I haven't seen my parents in a long while. I haven't been back to TTDI in a long while. The most I've been doing is video calls with my sister and my mum. Sometimes, my aunty is around and would join in. Mostly, it's my kids goofing around with Wani's kids. I haven't seen my brothers in a long while.

The only thing I keep thinking of everytime they announce an MCO extension is the next time I'd go on a holiday. Shallow. I know. But a change of environment or ambience or air is good every once and a while. 

I need a focal point. A muse. An inspiration to write. I told myself I am not writing dark,depressing lyrics anymore although that is my easiest genre. I am pushing for something upbeat and some sunshine.........Rainbows and butterflies are far beyond that..........but I wouldn't mind.

I was talking to Shu the other night. About me being an adult and that how people are always just sheltering me from real numbers. My entire life had been just that. "Don't worry about it, it's nothing......." Maybe I should worry? I know that I am not the most human person out there when it comes to interacting with real people in the real world but I can try. I can worry when I need to. I can also lose my shit when I should.........And not lose my shit..........

I've been doing a lot of doodling and art. I lack supplies because I am still trying to figure out materials but I am getting somewhere. The color I seem to want is red and I need to figure out some measurements...........I also need some black...........

Live With AURORA: For the humans who take long walks in the forest

 

come back to me after peace restores

 Often times I find myself being too forgiving towards other people........I don't know how I come to be this way but I do know that there are people out there whom have known me since forever. They think it is OK to say anything to me. They think it is OK to say or do mean things to me and then eventually thinking, expecting me to pick myself up and be OK with everything after that. 

It's as though my feelings do not matter. I guess it doesn't. They would have otherwise thought about what they were about to say or do before actually doing it. 

I am not one to not forgive but there are times when it does upset me. Most of the time, I would cry and then slowly pick myself up. However, I don't think this privilege extends to everyone. Not anymore. Not this time. 

I am human. I have feelings. I get upset. I have every right to disconnect myself. I need peace and quiet. The longer I linger the worse it becomes and the higher chances of me not being able to forgive. I always find a way to forgive and move on but I don't usually forget. Having said that, things that really hurts me usually are more difficult to forget.

I cannot seem to understand why people in general no longer know where to draw the line about being close and being hurtful. 

Feel some hearts, I wouldn't lie
I got memories that travels my mind
Fear not, fear not
When you go, I got pieces of your hate in my soul

Through The Eyes Of A Child

 World is covered by our trails

Scars we cover up with paint
Watch them preach in sour lies
I would rather see this world through the eyes of a child
Through the eyes of a child

Darker times will come and go
Times you need to see her smile
And mothers' hearts are warm and mild
I would rather feel this world through the skin of a child
Through the skin of a child

When a human strokes your skin
That is when you let them in
Let them in before they go
I would rather feel alive with a childlike soul
With a childlike soul

Hey-oh, oh, hey
Oh, ay
Ah-ah, hey
Oh, ay
Hey-oh, oh, hey
Oh, ay
Ah-ah, hey
Oh, ay

Please don't leave me here

So many souls that lost control Where did they fall?

 Under the water we can't breathe, we can't breathe

Under the water we die
Under the water there is no one watching
Under the water we are alone
Then why do we jump in?
Why do we jump in?
Under the water we die

So many souls, that lost control
Where did they fall?
Into the deep, what do they seek?
Where did they fall?
Where did they fall?

Hearts will dream again
Lungs will breathe in
Wash away the sins
It's where it begins
Feet won't fail you now
Arms won't let you down
Wash away the sins

Under the water we can't be together
Under the water we die
Then why do we jump in?
Why do we jump in?
Under the water we die

So many souls that lost control
Where did they fall?
Into the deep, what do they seek?
Where did they fall?
Where did they fall?

Hearts will dream again
Lungs will breathe in
Wash away the sins
It's where it begins
Feet won't fail you now
Arms won't let you down
Wash away the sins
It's where it begins

Hearts will dream again
Wash away the sins

The Secret Garden AURORA

Where have you been hiding?
You seem lost within your body and your mind
A beam of light can still remind you who you are
Wounded by the world
Your fragile nature needed shelter
In the night we made a sanctum
Out of mind and out of sight

Won't you let me take you there?
Won't you let me take you there?

Let me take you into the garden, into the garden
I'll be there, painting the flowers, give them color
I'll be there

Listen to the anthem
Hear the flowers like their hymn has healing power
Take my hand and breathe in, the colorful

Won't you let me take you there?
Won't you let me take you there?

Let me take you into the garden, into the garden
I'll be there, painting the flowers, give them color
I'll be there

Let me take you into the garden, into the garden
I'll be there, painting the flowers, give them color
I'll be there

Try to heal the heart of mind
In the garden we find
Try to heal the heart of mind
In the garden we find
Inside, inside

 

AURORA Greenpeace Action All Areas

Daydreamer AURORA

White, silicon eyes, watching storms, sitting quiet
Reading books in the heat of city lights
Bored, everyone's bored
When I'm restless, put me under the night life stars
And I will feel grounded

I know I'm just a girl
But can I change lives?
If I am nothing, if I am trying, I think I can
I step on broken glass, and dream of soft clouds
When feelings are heavy they become all we are

And we become night time dreamers
And street walkers, small talkers
When we should be daydreamers
And moonwalkers and dream talkers
And we become night time dreamers
Street walkers, small talkers
When we should be daydreamers
And moonwalkers and dream talkers
In real life

The quiet lust belongs to all of us
And drives us closer into the madness
Of the world, of a girl
(And it suits me just fine)
'Cause everyone dies, and nobody loves
And somebody dies right now
I hear the quiet, sweet music that no one sings

And we become night time dreamers
Street walkers and small talkers
When we should be daydreamers
And moonwalkers and dream talkers
And we become night time dreamers
Street walkers, small talkers
When we should be daydreamers
And moonwalkers and dream talkers
In real life

All I ever know is what I dream about when I'm sober
Never turn away from love
Before the love, you have me sober
All I ever know is what I dream about when I'm sober
Never turn away from love
Before the love, you have me sober
Nothing can die while we are here
Nothing can die while we are here
Nothing can die while we are here
Nothing can die while we are here

Then we become night time dreamers
Street walkers and small talkers
When we should be daydreamers
And moonwalkers and dream talkers
And we become night time dreamers
Street walkers, small talkers

When we should be daydreamers
(Nothing can die while we are here)
When we should be daydreamers
(Nothing can die while, nothing can die)

Apple Tree by AURORA

A Different Kind Of Human

Are you awake or are you sleeping?
Are you afraid? We've been waiting for this meeting
Oh, Superman, are you with me when I am too weak?
Oh, Mother, are you dreaming of me in your sleep?

We have come here for you, and we're coming in peace
Mothership will take you on higher, higher
This world you live in is not a place for someone like you
Come on, let us take you home

It's time to go, you are infected
Come as you are, don't be scared of us, you'll be protected
(Protected, protected)
I guess you are a different kind of human
I guess you are a different kind of human

We have come here for you, and we're coming in peace
Mothership will take you on higher, higher
This world you live in is not a place for someone like you
Come on, let us take you home

Omega hai foleet, Omega hai foleet
Omega toneca, Omega for let in
Omega hai foleet, Omega hai foleet
Omega toneca, Omega for let in

There is a flaw in man-made matters
But you are pure, and we have to get you out of here

We have come here for you, and we're coming in peace
Mothership will take you on higher, higher
This world you live is not a place for someone like you
Come on let us take you home
We have come here for you, and we're coming in peace
Mothership will take you on higher, higher
This world you live is not a place for someone like you
Come on, let us take you home

Omega hai foleet, Omega hai foleet
Omega toneca, Omega for let in
Omega hai foleet, Omega hai foleet
Omega toneca, Omega for let in

Hello? Hello?
Hello? Hello?
Is anyone out there?
Am I home? Am I home?

The world is hating on each other. It saddens me.

I hope love will come to us again-AURORA