Yusuf was asking me a lot about daycare

 Not that we were gonna send him to one. He was referring to a game he was playing. He asked me why kids hate going to daycare. The first thing to do was to make sure he understood what daycare was. Then, he asked why kids were sent to daycare because he used to have friends when he was in preschool who would have to stay back up till 4pm while the rest of the kids left at noon. It's hard explaining something like this to him considering he's never been left anywhere because Shu and I had to work.

I also had to make it clear to him that it's not their parents fault for having to leave them while they were at work because it would have been the safer thing to do than to leave the kids at home unattended. Being parents, we really shouldn't judge other parents for the decisions they make. We all make choices according to what our situations are and we are never on the same boat. I don't think it's right for me to pass remarks about working parents and I certainly do not expect them to understand my daily struggles as a stay-at-home mom and wife.

We make sacrifices.

Anywho, that little discussion/explanation I provided him made him realize that I quit my job to take care of him when our maid ran away when he was a year old. Also, he had seen his friends whom had to take more than just school books to school every morning because they had to stay behind until late afternoon. I haven't had a good night sleep for about 6 years now only because I would wake up at the sound of a crying baby or child. Shu would wake up early to get things done just so that I can get some sleep and I would pick things up where he left off after leaving for work in the day.

It gets easier once you get the hang of it. Kids get older and more independent as the years go by. We have more time for ourselves now than before but it's a journey. I totally admire parents who work and are able to take care of their kids at the same time 🤟

I fall asleep in my own tears, I cry for the world, For everyone

 Last week, I bit the bullet and went to see a doctor for some antibiotics. The doctor was acting weird coz she was terrified if I the Covid-19 but I didn't know and I was like "Well,that's why I'm here now........" I was coughing and the sniffles was a result of me coughing so bad. I've checked all the symptoms and I was more than fine. She gave me the meds and had this hopeful look that she wasn't going to get some follow up report about me and the damn Covid-19.

 I am getting better and I haven't been out nor was I ever out and about prior to getting sick. My immune system is the worst coz I never leave my home. The most I'd do is go down the elevator to the carpark and into the car. I never leave the car. I have my mask on everytime I am outside.

I had my mask on when Aina came over with Zairy. I had my mask on when my sister came over to deliver the bookshelf I had Simon built for us. I'd have my mask on even on days when I am not sick and playing kick ball in the playground area within my house compound.

Anywho, Simon and Wani came over with the kids. They delivered the bookshelf and had some business discussion with Shu. Had lunch and coffee and all. I played with the kids. They are so funny.

Yesterday, we went to Aina's new house. She just got the keys a couple of weeks ago and Zairy had been going back and forth from Terengganu getting all the lights and fans fixed and checking all the defects. That's why his guitar and amplifier is at our house. Shu was helping him fix his Gibson and in return, he left his Boss Katana amp for us to jam with. He also left his 10 year old guitar from under his bed which had not been touched for.......well,about 10 years. We changed the pickup which was fun coz I love using the soldering machine ^_^

Safiyya's been hanging out with us everytime we jam in the studio and she really wants a guitar. Shu had been teaching the boys how to play the acoustic guitar but it's a bit too big for them so Shu's looking into getting them a kid size guitar for them to practise on. We've been looking into getting an electronic drum set coz I think I'm gonna start playing the drums again after so long.

I was never a drummer in any of the bands I used to jam with but I do play the drums in my own time.

This cough is annoying coz I can't sing.......I hate listening to AURORA and not be able to sing along 😑

It was so funny when we visited Shu's parents while we were at Aina's house. His mum had been sick but she looked at me and asked why I was looking so pale.............Shu said it's coz I live like a vampire and don't ever get sunlight outside the house...........kinda true 😛

My playlist as of late had been Deep Purple, Led Zeppelin, Jimi Hendrix and KISS............on repeat.......I love it!

The highlight of my week

 Will have to be Yusuf watching Shu giving me cough mixture and laughing because I hate it so damn much. I hate the taste of it. Shu was about to leave for work today and he said before he leaves,he was gonna make sure I took my meds. I said I was gonna do it later. He said  my later could turn out to be tomorrow for all he knows so he took out the meds and gave me -_-

I really am not up to going to the clinic although I do think that some antibiotics could help me a lot. I am annoyed at the people living in the world outside. Here I am sick and quarantining myself so that I won't spread my flu to other people and there are people who still walks into shops with their masks hanging under their chins. Some don't even have masks on. I'm beginning to think I am wasting my time teaching my kids and spending so much on masks.

The school holidays are coming up but I can't really take the kids anywhere coz their favourite place in the world is closed (Legoland Hotel). I know that the parks are opened but it's not a complete experience without the hotel and I know how much they enjoy staying there. Safiyya and Ali Imran have their birthdays coming up in April and eventhough Shu has made plans, I still have backup plans for their party in case things don't turn out the way we planned. 

They say that the vaccinations have began but you can never be too sure coz right now, we're still not allowed to cross state borders. There are plus points to it but for people like Shu and I, we're always on the move throughout the country so being stuck in KL is kinda boring. I haven't gone to the malls in such a long time coz I don't want to. I am terrified of people.

Tell me this is just my immune system updating

 I am feeling very sick. The sniffles. The burning throat. The itch.

Last week, Ali Imran got sick. He had the sniffles and then a slight fever. He hasn't been to school for almost 2 weeks now coz even though he was active, his runny nose was still there and his teachers denied him access into the school.

On Friday, Yusuf picked up something. His immune system is different because he's always had a slight case of bronchitis since he was born due to the fact that he pooped in the womb and he was born at 36 weeks. He spent 10 days in the hospital....... I hate remembering it......... Anywho, he's been coughing but the doctor didn't put him on the nebulizer coz he wasn't wheezing. He needed antibiotics.

2 days ago, I stayed up looking after Safiyya coz her body temperature increased and I had to make sure it didn't get too high or else she might get into a fit. Her immune system is strong because she's active and isn't picky when it comes to food. She recovered the next day.

This morning, I woke up feeling like my throat was on fire. I was fine earlier this morning. I felt like I was deteriorating towards the evening. Then, came the sniffles and a slight fever. I'm about to take my 3rd dose of paracetamol later........ And I'm probably gonna crash.........

Funny how I've been fighting this off for a few days now. I've been working out and trying to ignore the tiny symptoms. I can hear my mom telling me that it's gonna take about 72 hours to recover from this 😑

Most of me is frozen in time

 While the rest of me is trying to get by

I've been having issues with trying to understand why I cannot seem to fit in...........Well,I've never fit in anywhere all my life and usually it doesn't bother me but lately, it's been very strange. I seem to not be able to relate to more and more people I meet,people I see, people I know. I was talking to Shu about this some nights ago. 

It's like I'd see or read people talking or complaining about the simplest things like traffic jams and I am like "why"? Shu thinks that maybe it's coz I don't really live in this world so going out once in a while is as much as it is for me when it comes to relating or interacting with the world outside. People complain or are bitter for a variety of reasons but how they got there is the reason why they are. I am beginning to understand it.

For the longest time, I felt like usually if something is bothering my mind or clouding my thoughts, I'd write them out. It could be either in a journal entry form. It can be written out in a song or poem..........or a blog entry............but I just couldn't do it. I thought it was lack of inspiration. I thought I needed to go out. I thought I needed human interaction.

I just needed a new perspective. I don't fully have one. Not yet. But I am beginning to understand other people and the world outside which is news to me but I am slowly embracing the world for what it is. 

Shu and I live in the same house but our worlds are completely different. He has a world outside the house which he interacts with on a day-to-day basis. He has human interaction eventhough it isn't personal. On the road with other drivers. In the shops with other people. He told me I needed to start doing more human activities like driving. 

So, I drove yesterday. It was daunting at first but I got the hang of it. To think that I used to drive to class everyday from home and then to UNITEN and then back home. I have lost my muchness......... Today, I did some banking because it was one of those situations again whereby my presence was required..........I survived.........it was funny.

Hikari

 I have been listening to a whole lot of Olivia Lufkin lately. The song Rain in particular is my favourite.

Last night, as I was sorting out the kids' uniforms, a memory struck me as I was listening to this song. It's no wonder I love this song so damn much. Back in my uni days, around the time my band (RadioEdit) was starting to write our songs, I received a call from someone from a big underground band. I cannot remember the band name nor can I remember the guy's name. 

He told me he had a project in the making. It was a band with a specific theme and that the lead vocalist had to be a girl. He proposed that I would do it since I am used to singing and playing the guitar for live performances. He said he had one music track completed but it had no lyrics. He sent it over to me and I listened to it and it really reminded me of JPop/Rock which I was so into at the time.

I listened to the track over and over and scribbled out some words. Eventually, I wrote lyrics for a song I called Hikari. The song never made it out because I was too involved with RadioEdit that I couldn't commit to another band and my grades were also not so great. I think I felt like I was stretching myself out a little too thin. So I turned down the request and deleted the music so that I won't get sued for copyrights in the future.

I just cannot remember where the lyrics to the song is. I used to write out on the notepad on the computer coz I was on the computer all the time. Maybe I'll write another version of Hikari sometime in the future..........

Took the kids to Aquaria KLCC last Friday

 We were torn between going there and the Zoo. The Zoo is very near and it was a backup plan in case there were still roadblocks everywhere. Shu said it was too hot and didn't want to risk anyone getting sick..... Or getting heat stroke so we opted for the indoor outing.

The boys are obsessed with octopuses and colossal squids and shipwreck sea creatures from the midnight zone depths of the ocean. There was no way we'd ever get to sea an angler fish while living up here but they managed to see an octopus. All 3 of them were super excited. 

No words can describe the amount of pain I went through in the last couple of days.........

 I think it's been a week since I had this ulcer in my mouth. It is huge and it is so close to my left fang which makes it almost impossible to move my mouth at all. I could swear and curse every time but the pain was so excruciating that I don't think it does justice at all. Shu had been trying to get me some meds that could possibly help heal the damn thing but every single thing I tried made me cry. I lost weight because I couldn't eat. WTF?! I wanted to jam on the guitar but I can't sing coz I was in pain -_-

I've always noticed a pattern certain times in a year whereby my life just decides to be a complete disaster for a good few days or weeks but this past month had been nothing but disastrous. I am clumsy so accidentally burning or cutting myself is kind of normal but for it to happen repetitively throughout the week ON THE SAME DAMN SPOT is just the universe being bitch to me! I cut myself while trying to open the watering bottle for my plants and I've been using the same bottle for years but this time, it decided to cut me on my forefinger knuckle. The next few days, I cut myself again from the same damn bottle on the exact same spot! How the hell does that happen?!

My legs are like bananas. They bruise easily. I'd do a workout routine which I have been doing since last year and it bruises out of nowhere. It's a complete routine with warm ups and cool downs. It's so strange. Aeons ago before we married, Shu did take me to see a doctor about my knee clicking. We suspected that because I do a lot of running and sports growing up, it may have impacted my knees over time so the doctor gave me an infrared treatment. It didn't solve my clicking problem. It's not in pain or whatever. It just makes a strange clicking sound whenever I bend it. 

Anywho, Yusuf started going back to school earlier this week. He's not used to going to the school canteen to get food so Shu and I opted to let him bring food from home. Shu has been good at waking up super early to cook. I fell out of the routine come Wednesday. I try to wake up but I can hardly stay awake. WTF is my problem?! Ali Imran had been waking up around the same time Yusuf gets up because his school starts at 8am. On Monday, I insisted that all of us should send Yusuf off to school so we got everyone ready and carried Safiyya from the bed to the stroller and into the carseat. She's just less cranky than last year knowing that she wasn't heading to school herself.

My studio is a mess and I miss jamming on the acoustic guitar..........I should do something today which is more productive than gaming...........

Pulut Lepe

 It's a delicacy.......desert.........in Terengganu.........

It's pronounced "pooloot luh puh"

This idiot read it as "pooloot lay pay"

This was years ago...........

I still get laughed at about it............

I get laughed at about pronouncing and trying to speak Malay in general,let alone trying to speak the Terengganu dialect............

It's quite funny,really...........

There was this one time I was confused about "pemandu berhemah" and accidentally spelled "pemandu berkhemah" instead..........tent driver........hahahhaa..............

For the people out there who think I don't understand what they are saying when they speak the Terengganu dialect,I can actually understand you. I may not be able to speak it as well but I can understand.........Shu and his dad have been teaching me ^_^ Besides, I have been married to Shu and the family for 10 years now. I'd be stupid if I can't understand. I am still learning to speak and pronounce things properly. Yes, I get laughed at a lot but I am getting there ;)