Sad nipples and nasi lemak 50 sen

 Went to visit my parents yesterday. Sent Wani's birthday present and stuff. We went for a short while coz we had to get home in time to cook. Managed to see Mama and Kak Yah.

Of all things my dad could possibly do was to give Yusuf a crash course on guns -_- Ali Imran was not so interested in it coz he kept saying he wanted a long gun and not a short gun........ He thought my dad said shirt gun but it was shotgun.......

Anywho, Safiyya was happily eating and playing with cats. My dad also took out his hunting bow and asked Yusuf to hold it and have a go. He wanted to give Yusuf an arrow. I was like "No!"

Anywho, my aunt and my mum spent a good 5 minutes outside the front door just criticising on how I am too skinny and flat-chested as we were leaving. Apart from losing weight, I think I had always been flat-chested 🤔

Safiyya's birthday party

 Safiyya turned 4 on Saturday and we decided to have a birthday party for her. Shu wanted her to have her own birthday party instead of sharing it with Ali Imran (his birthday is on the 27th).

Shu spoke to her on Friday and discovered that she wanted a unicorn themed birthday cake. Shu found a cake company who took last minute orders and they delivered the cake on Saturday at noon. 

Shu ordered this Chang'e doll for her off of Amazon last year in November and it was only available in December and we received it some weeks ago. She loved it ❤️

I was dressed as Pocahontas because Safiyya and I were supposed to be Disney Princesses. 

Cake Rush delivered the cake and it's delish 😋

The sun has fallen

 Another day gone without you

My heart keeps calling 

And I don't know just what to do

I was looking for a tailor to alter my clothes coz it seems that I not only bought all my ready-made clothes in the wrong sizes but they are way too big on me. I know that I have shrunk over the years but the clothes looked ridiculously huge on me. Anyways, I found one yesterday and she was like "WHY ARE ALL YOUR CLOTHES THIS BIG???!!!" Why,this is the reason I am having them altered...........

She's a really nice lady. I like her already!

I'm not much of a formal clothes shopper and for the past many years, I've been wearing the black kebaya I've had since.......since.......I was still in school. The tailor who made the kebaya did an awesome that I still wear it till today. It's black. Indonesian batik. I love it! Shu and I are always wearing black and we got the kids black clothes for raya some years ago. My mum hates the color black for hari raya. She never let me get any clothes in black when I was a kid.

Anywho, Shu and I were in the kitchen cooking together the other day. We started talking about movies. Then for some reason, the movie American Beauty came up. Bla bla bla........and then there were pedophelia........I seem to cannot forgive and let go of some things in my life.

I've come to realize that the reason I despise living sometimes is because a lot of things happened when I was between the ages 14 and 15. Shu said those are crucial times and I feel like as much as I say I have moved on, I can't help but think that there were some form of abandonment that took place. I keep wondering and asking why the people who were supposed to protect me didn't do it and instead allowed the predators into my life willingly and openly. What ever I said at the time felt like just me complaining and that I should just move on. Well, I did. And I didn't kill myself.

I spent most of my school years not wanting to get up in the morning and just wanting to die. 

I am far from where I was in school now. It's a fight and still is sometimes but I have people who love me with me. 

Hello Mr. "Perfectly fine"

 How's your heart after breaking mine?

I was on the couch listening to Taylor Swift's new lyric video Mr. Perfectly Fine while Shu and Safiyya were just hanging out on the other side of the couch. Suddenly, Shu said he kinda like the song. I was like "Oh!" He sometimes likes Taylor Swift songs that I listen to or play on the guitar from time to time like Sparks Fly or Cornelia Street.

I know that he really likes this song

But the very next day, Shu came back from work and picked up the guitar and started playing Mr Perfectly Fine. I was shocked coz I didn't know he really liked the song that much. 

The other Taylor Swift he really likes is No Body No Crime.

I started listening to Taylor Swift even before we got married. I was into the album Fearless. And then, my all time favourite was the album Speak Now. I was listening to Red a little here and there. Then her other albums like 1989 and Reputation and Lover along the way not in the order they were released coz I wasn't into her singles from those albums at the time.

But then, I realized that I know a lot of songs from her 1989 album. So weird.

WHAT DO THESE PEOPLE WANT FROM ME?!!!!!!

 My public IG account was getting hacked yesterday. This isn't the first time this is happening. Back in 2014, my FB account got hacked. I received an email about logging in from the US. It turns out, I was somewhere in Portland. Funny. Considering the fact that my school stated SMKTTDI but in Portland.

UGH! CHEE WAGGA CHOO CHOO!

I had a funny question for Shu a couple of days ago. I was wondering what the police officers in this country would say to you if you ever got pulled over. I am pretty sure they won't say things like "Ma'am, license and registrations please" I have never spoken to police officers............I think I did it once coz I was making a police report about something but I can hardly remember what that was like.

Anywho, I was telling Shu about an epiphany I had while showering the other day. I had AURORA playing on my phone. I always do. Everytime I take a shower, I'd light the candle and have my AURORA playlist on my phone playing. I've always wondered why whenever I feel calm or in a neutral state of mind, I'm listening to AURORA. It's melancholy. My natural state of mind is melancholy. That is why I write better when I am in this state as opposed to when I am on either extreme ends of emotions such as ecstatic or just depressed. Well, depression is an emotion I am too well versed with that I can write anything when I am depressed.

Anyways, I am not sad. I just feel comfortable in this state. Which results to making me happy ^_^

People who think they know me often times tell me that they doubt if I can survive outside of the city life I grew up in. Well, these people don't know me clearly. I don't belong anywhere. All my life, I can never find a place that makes me feel well fitted in. As long as I know the kids are safe, I can be at peace. I don't need to leave the house. I don't need to be around people or be in public places like shopping malls to be happy. Being treated like an outsider had always been my life. I kinda like it. I don't feel too much attachment towards any place I am at. 

Having said that, I often times have somewhat of a cultural mix confusion. I guess it's not that big of a deal considering how I have most of the cultural traditional clothes to be worn for certain occasions.