Let everything happen to you

Beauty and terror
Just keep going 
No feeling is final

I have made peace with my parents. It's weird because I was feeling awkward and for my dad, well...... He's never been the one to express his feelings very much. As for my mum....... I have been telling her how I feel about a lot of things. I'm not a good liar and my honesty is sometimes not for everyone. My mum likes to sugarcoat things and I am not like that. 

All and all, that day when my dad was losing his mind and I had my cousin calling me out of nowhere asking about my dad, I called my mum later that day. Spoke to my brother, Eeno briefly. 

I've been battling depression all my life and it's the little things that people ignore or don't say that could actually make all the difference. Let's just say I texted my dad in all honesty and I told him he's not a bad parent. He and my mum were both trying and that whatever happened to us growing up already happened and I take it as part of growing up. 

Now, we're talking a lot more. Also, I bet he doesn't think I'm an asshole anymore. Well, I was never against my parents. I was just unhappy and it was accumulated over the years. A lot had been going on and when you are 14 and trying to deal with so many things, you'd get really depressed. Failing school. Always alone. Always bullied. Almost getting sexually assaulted. And the people who were supposed to have your back were too busy so you just carry on. Dead or alive. 

Anywho, our family has expanded since May 21st. Cleo gave birth to 6 kittens. We've all been playing our part in trying to keep them safe and healthy. It's working so far. Shu and I are still getting used to Cleo coz she's a stray and she's about 3 years old and she eats birds 😳 among the other things she eats. She's very intelligent and she's easy going. I tell the kids to talk to her from time to time. 

Shits been getting super weird

 First of all, I was not prepared for Hari Raya. Mentally, I was still recovering from the move. I was still enjoying the peace and quiet time from the lockdown. I was having a hard time dealing with the mess at home. And then, in the midst of it all, so many people started coming in all at once.

I'm just not the hosting material. I don't mind visiting other people at their homes though. I have a thing about my living space being my sanctuary kind of thing. Again, maybe it's just me still not getting used to post lockdown.

We did stay over in KL for about a week. Actually, it was Marriott Putrajaya so it wasn't actually KL. We were just there during Ramadan getting Safiyya and Ali Imran birthday gifts. I did some shopping and all.

Went over to see my parents and all. It would have been better if there weren't so many people. Again, me and personal space. I was already annoyed from them never prioritizing us over their friends and then coming back around saying shit like we didn't give enough time for the family. 

We were living in KL for a good few years and they never bothered coming around. Now that we've moved, we are not gonna be able to come around as easily and still, they'd spend their time with those annoying TTDI shit friends of theirs instead of taking time to talk to their grandkids.

Anywho, it's hard enough as it is moving and all. Now, there is another piece of shit being out there prying on my life and what I do. Honestly, I am quite surprised that they didn't even make a police report about it. If it's such a big deal, report it to the police. It's just ridiculous.

I am not a celebrity and I am not one to look for "followers". A friend of mine once told me that I was quite the low profile type online. I try to be. I've lived my whole life being told what to do. I like doing whatever I want to do now and I like doing it however I want to do it. If you have a problem with it, then........ Make you can go ahead and make a police report about. Tell them how my choice in living life offends you.

In fact, why don't you go to the press? People are gonna go "Who the F is FidZy?!" I'd be asking the same question if I were be reading shit like that. But yeah, some people love prying on other people's lives. My common assumption would be that they aren't very happy with their lives so they go around looking into other people's lives.

I believe what they'd say in court is "hearsay" Well, even if you have proof to how this is a problem to you in any form or matter, I will still be me.

Anywho, my dad is scaring the shit out of everyone today. He's been calling people and apologizing for being a bad parent or friend and says that he's dying. My cousin called me up later this morning asking if my dad's OK coz he called her. I called my mom and ended up talking to Eeno about it. If there's anything, I'd say he needs to make amends not with us but with God. It's a long story but that's what I think. 

I am death and I make all equal

 Many things bother me when ever I attend family gatherings. My family gathering, specifically. I am fully aware that I am not fully present to be considered as part of the family. That may have been my fault because I may have set it up that way intentionally.

I have no clue what people talk about most of the time. I am often left out of the loop. I have also left many family chat groups or message groups. I find it overwhelming and it floods my inbox. I don't enjoy receiving texts that are just forwarded messages from someone I don't know. And some text messages are lengthy that I just never care to read them.

I find that when I visit my parents and that they are not present to talk or see the kids not because they are not home but because they are doing something random and unimportant like TV or phone, it annoys the living shit out of me. It drains my energy.

If I could say what I really want to say, it would sound something like this :

"Why the fuck would you tell me shit like I haven't seen your kids for so long or I miss the kids but when ever we are there, you are busy talking or texting the God forsaken idiots you see every single fucking day of your miserable lives and not talk to my kids? " For the most part, I often hope those people burn in hell.

My kids are family. Not your stupid dying friends. They should already be dead. No idea why they are still living and going out for drinks, gossiping about other people. And that stupid television is always going to air bad news. Live with it. Try going out into the real world and see things for what they really are. This is exactly what happens when you listen to stupid idiots whose lives are governed by conspiracy theories like my sister and her immigrant husband.

I honestly don't know where exactly my other brothers stand in this but for the most part, they usually don't stick around too long for the same reason I don't stick around.

Metal is not a phase 🤘🏼

 It's been so long since my last post. It's been hot. Like 34 degrees Celsius hot. Hot like I just hibernate most of the day coz I'm fasting so I can't drink water in the day kind of hot.

Also, moving to different state during the fasting month is not the best idea. The sudden weather change from always rainy and gloomy to suddenly so very hot and sunny also wasn't helping much.

My workout routine was on hiatus coz I can't cope. I was working out when we were living in KL even during the fasting month. The heat here is on a whole different level. I don't even step out of the house during the day coz I could easily get dehydrated.

Anywho, we took about a week off just to celebrate Ali Imran and Safiyya's birthdays in Marriott Putrajaya. It's our new favorite hotel me thinks. I promised the kids I'd take them to the toy store and let them pick out their gifts. I did some shopping too. Mostly planned. Others..... Well, let's just say Shu got me the new Nintendo Switch OLED, Japanese edition. That was not planned. I love it though ❤️ Been playing Ghostbusters the video game remastered.

Shu put the new TV up in our bedroom and hooked up the Switch port to the TV. I was having a blast.

We still have lots to do at the house but I think it would be so much easier once Shu's parents go back to Selangor coz, we really need to get rid of a lot of not just old furniture but stuff in general. It's hard to design the spaces with all those things coz they're bulky and don't match. Some of the stuff will be taken by either Shu's parents or his siblings. 

We're also planning to get the windows replaced so that we can get more natural light into the house. Maybe the masters bedroom and the living area downstairs need some powerful air-conditioning systems.

Anyway...... It's still just at a planning stage. I need to get the studio area set up before my stuff outside gets destroyed by the weather.

I like how this year, Eid came so sudden that no one is fully prepared for it 🤣 I'm never prepared for anything but that's just how I do things. I'm probably gonna be gaming again later.