I was dancing in the rain I felt alive and I can't complain

 I miss dancing and playing in the rain. I also miss sunshine and the beach. I miss the sea breeze. I miss driving anywhere with a takeaway coffee and just chatting away with Shu while the kids fall asleep in their carseats. I miss watching the kids practising for their Sports Day or School Year End performances.

But now take me home
Take me home where I belong
I can't take it anymore

I miss jamming in a studio with actual drums and a bunch of goofy people who'd play anything and sing anyhow we can sing. I miss taking off in the middle of the night and just drive away into a different state and do whatever and then come home some days later with Shu and the kids.

Yesterday was Eeno's birthday. We wished him via text messages and voice messages. I haven't seen him in a long while. I haven't seen my parents in a long while. I haven't been back to TTDI in a long while. The most I've been doing is video calls with my sister and my mum. Sometimes, my aunty is around and would join in. Mostly, it's my kids goofing around with Wani's kids. I haven't seen my brothers in a long while.

The only thing I keep thinking of everytime they announce an MCO extension is the next time I'd go on a holiday. Shallow. I know. But a change of environment or ambience or air is good every once and a while. 

I need a focal point. A muse. An inspiration to write. I told myself I am not writing dark,depressing lyrics anymore although that is my easiest genre. I am pushing for something upbeat and some sunshine.........Rainbows and butterflies are far beyond that..........but I wouldn't mind.

I was talking to Shu the other night. About me being an adult and that how people are always just sheltering me from real numbers. My entire life had been just that. "Don't worry about it, it's nothing......." Maybe I should worry? I know that I am not the most human person out there when it comes to interacting with real people in the real world but I can try. I can worry when I need to. I can also lose my shit when I should.........And not lose my shit..........

I've been doing a lot of doodling and art. I lack supplies because I am still trying to figure out materials but I am getting somewhere. The color I seem to want is red and I need to figure out some measurements...........I also need some black...........

Live With AURORA: For the humans who take long walks in the forest

 

The lockdown has helped me a lot in terms of development

 Last year, when they first announced a lockdown, I started working out. I would have never started otherwise. Shu has asked me to join the gym since the kids were all in school at the time. I couldn't because I'm terrified of human beings in general. I had always been this way. So I looked into YouTube and discovered a channel that has a lot of no equipment bodyweight workout routines. I've managed to lose weight and now maintain a certain weight.

I've also told myself to make sure that I learn something everytime I go online. Last year, I learned woodworking and after that I learned about building houses and waterproofing bathrooms. Then, I learned a few things about cooking and baking. I also learned a few things about plants coz I've been trying to save my dying plants and propagating some of them. 

This year, I'm writing songs again. It's not perfect everytime and it definitely needs work but at least I'm getting somewhere. I think eversince the lockdown began again this year, I've only gone out once to do some banking that Shu cannot do unless he cuts my hand off to use my thumbprint.

Anywho, I'm currently learning how to make rugs......... 

I don't belong here, I don't belong anywhere

 Yesterday, Shu was off so while the kids were in school and homeschooling, he helped me record 3 samples of songs I've been keeping on my phone as drafts with no lyrics since last year. I have at least 10 songs with no lyrics and pages of words with no melody. 

This had been going on since October. Well, I've been writing since July or earlier but music drafts had been recorded on my phone later. I need to find the right time and mood and ambience to get all the songs completed.

Shu and I wrote our first grunge song ever. Shu has a couple of songs that needs work too. 

I love recording with the Hummingbird coz it sounds amazing but it really does emphasize all the tiny mistakes like if I accidentally strum too hard or my finger placement is not perfect. Shu discovered that hooking up the acoustic guitar to the amplifier and then set up the acoustic microphone near the amplifier gives best results. I don't know coz I usually just go with it. 

My sister started baking and a baking company

 

Gave up on me like I was a bad drug

 It's been a long week. Balancing Yusuf's homeschooling schedule and Ali Imran getting to school by 8am. Shu's been at home so he's getting things organized. I sometimes have trouble getting out of bed coz Safiyya sometimes sleeps really late and she likes to play and talk to me so we'd end up chatting. If things ever get back to last year's schedule I am gonna die. 

I think they are gonna reopen schools soon. Yusuf has 4 classes a day right now. They start at 9am all the way to 4pm. Depending on which classes,the teachers will determine if they'll be having Zoom meetings or Google Classrooms. Ali Imran has been enjoying school since he hasn't gone for almost a year. His new school has more activities and less students. They have each student assigned to a desk so he feels like he has his own space to take care of. His school is also right next to our house. Safiyya still refuses to go to school and is trying very hard to convince me that she can color and write and read alphabets and numbers and count on her own -_-

Anywho, Shu and I have been talking lately about random shit. He said he's been annoyed by people who just asks for things like money and stuff without even trying to work for them. They annoy me too. He was also talking about how people are just stressing themselves out unnecessarily by setting idealistic expectations. I totally get it coz I know for a fact that I used to do that and everytime shit doesn't go according to plan, I'd crash.

He was talking about simple things like financial budgeting. You can't plan your expenditure based on 100% of what you take home. You need to give at least 20% off to unplanned spendings like emergency funds or something. I was thinking more like how life itself doesn't always work out the way we plan. Like how my pregnancies and labor problems occur. I never planned for emergency deliveries or surgeries but it happened and I almost died but I didn't. It's no one's fault. I definitely did not see myself the way I am right now back when I was studying.

That doesn't bother me as much as people who are always wanting to impress and would do anything just so that they can take credit over things that they did not do. My only question is "WHY?" I feel like it's already such a hassle living up to other people's expectations,why go the extra mile just to impress? At what cost? You burn bridges along the way. It's a very childish and unhealthy mindset for an adult to have. If you can't afford it, then you just can't afford it. If you didn't do it then why take the credit? Life isn't just about the spotlight and glamour. Reality isn't. Why get sucked into shit like this?

I digress.........I had a point somewhere along the way..........I am so sleepy...........

This song was in my head...........

I coulda been the one you noticed

I coulda been all over you
I coulda been like all the others
Is that what I'm supposed to do?

It woulda been really stupid,
If I woulda went home with you
To give you everything you wanted
It woulda been way too soon

I try to be sensative
I try to be tough
I try to walk away...
I try to be innocent
I try to be rough
But I just wanna play

You're my daydream, you know that I've been thinking about you... lately
And everytime I look at you
I can't explain I feel insane, I can't get away
You're my daydream

And you know, and you know, and you know, and you know,
You're making me insane
And you know, and you know, and you know, and you know,
You're doing it again

-Avril Lavigne-

I wish someone would have told me before

 The wind--it blows through the trees

Claiming those innocent leaves

And the thunder rolls these crashing seas
Like a tender kiss holds this heart in me

In this lifelong love song
You can love right, you can love wrong
In this love song, you can love wrong
But if you love wrong, it doesn't mean love's gone

Mary was a young girl with a young girl's heart
And all I can remember is I loved her from the start
I was hers forever, she was mine too
But something's wrong 'cause now she's gone
Tell me, what did I do?

In this lifelong love song
You can love right, you can love wrong
In this love song, you can love wrong
But if you love wrong, it doesn't mean love's gone

Oh, and it doesn't mean love's gone
Just because you're feeling low
And it doesn't mean love's gone
'Cause you feel like you want to let go
See, no one wrote in this book of love
That we'd always know
I wish someone would have told me before

We talked about love a million times it seems
The words come out of our lips
Like we forget what it means
And we said we'd be together till death do us part
But we said those words with only half our hearts

In this lifelong love song
You can love right, you can love wrong
In this love song, you can love wrong
But if you love wrong, it doesn't mean love's gone

I wish someone would have told me
I wish someone would have told me before

Happy 8th birthday Yusuf

 Shu managed to make it happen despite the pandemic. Despite the quarantine. No, Ali Imran is not in school just yet eventhough his school started on the 20th. We're not prepared to let him take the risk. Yusuf won't begin school until next week...... I think. Safiyya is still protesting. We can't even say the word "school".

In from the snow, your touch brought forth an incandescent glow...........

 ......Tarnished but so grand.............

I had a hard time falling asleep last night. I was up till about 3am. The wind was blowing so strong that it made an eerie howling sound and made the bathroom door rattle. I have sensitive hearing so if I already have problems sleeping, little things can keep me up.

It gets even worse when I have strange dreams. I hate dreams when there are people in it. People I know. People I don't. Why do they appear in my sleep? I was clearly thinking about a lot of other things at the time. What do they want from me?

I used to dream of wonderful things like flying or snakes. I love dreaming about snakes. Most often at times, I'd dream of being chased by snakes. I once dreamt of being bitten by one. I love snakes. The ones from my dreams are sometimes scary looking but I really like them.

The strangest factor of most of my dreams is that I was almost always at my old grandmother's bungalow back in PJ. I used to spend so much time there when I was kid. I liked that place a lot. It's huge. I remember it being bigger than it probably is when I was little. I could get lost or play hide and seek and no one would be able to find me. I remember seeing a snake once in the backyard. I also befriended a bat who lived on her bedroom window.

There was a huge yard. My step-grandfather used to do a lot of gardening. I swear you could park at least 10 cars in the front yard. There used to be leeches on the tiled patio when it rained. It gets really dark at night because the lights would be turned off one at a time and I would always run upstairs as quickly as possible because I had to go up the stairs and go down the hallways to the other end to go to the bedroom. I never go downstairs if I ever got thirsty at night coz I didn't want to go downstairs alone.

Funny, I grew up to an adult who'd spend so much time alone in the dark in the middle of the night not being able to fall asleep like a regular human being.............  

On January 11th, we headed to Terengganu for a quick rescue mission

 Shu's parents were still there we already anticipated an MCO Lockdown coming up at the time. The problem was Shu's mum was having trouble standing up and Shu's dad isn't strong enough to lift her on his own. Shu told me this and that evening we decided to pack up and leave for the east coast. I wasn't about to let just let them be. We all went. 

It was a slow trip coz it was still raining over in Pahang area and it was getting dark so we didn't want to risk running into floods. We took the AWD coz we needed the more reliable car to get us through anything especially during the monsoon season. We reached Shu's parent's house at about 11pm. The kids were up and awake coz they've been asleep the entire drive.

Shu's parents slept in the room downstairs coz Shu's mum can't climb up the stairs. Luckily, Zairy brought over his dad's wheelchair earlier that day. That helped a lot coz it could get Shu's mum around the house without her having to stand up.

The next morning, Shu's cousins came over to help pack up stuff coz Shu's parents were leaving for KL. Shu and I helped get their things into the car and all. Shu helped clean the house after Shu's parents left. We locked the house up after getting ready and all and headed out. We were supposed to stay behind in case anything happened to Shu's parents on their way back to KL, we'd be coming their way.

However, we did manage to hang around the beach and around town a little. Shu got me Avocado shake over at Pantai Batu Buruk which I love so damn much! It was a quick trip but the kids and I always enjoy ourselves when we go back to Shu's home coz it feels like our home too............

I hope I made his day

 

I sent my dad this yesterday. He said thanks. Growing up, we were never taught or practised being thankful especially to him because we were trained to think that he is fear and we should always be on our toes whenever he's around. He was a pilot so we don't usually see him that much. My memories with him are mostly good ones like helping him fixing the car or bike or doing woodwork. I know tools and woodworking because of him. His dad was a carpenter so woodworking runs in my blood. I hope I'll see him once this lock down is over. He hasn't seen my Hummingbird 😉

People

 I cannot understand why some people just have to be invasive and offensive towards other people. Why can't we just be happy with what we have and take care of the little things that actual matters? It's almost like war is all they ever want and they ever want to do. I also don't understand why and how they have supporters whom at the end of the day would just be forgotten just like everything else. 

Also,there are people out there whom are either stupid or misinformed or both. 

I personally dislike people who window shop just because at times like these when every headcount matters, you really don't need to be where you have no business to be at. It's a waste of everybody's time and space,really. 

If you feel under the weather.......erm......you might wanna stay home. Despite the entire 2020 being an entire year of training us to adhere to new ways of living,some people are just too fucking densed to understand it. They don't know what social distancing is. They don't know what personal space is. Hell,they don't even know how to fucking queue up. 

Some are just dumb as fuck. If you need to write or register at a shop entrance,you need to understand that this is not some stupid log book for you to put in a short name or nickname. How stupid are you to think that this is just an autograph book? If anything happens or if there is a case and you happen to be there,they can contact you and have you checked...........

I guess that's just it. They are the most selfish motherfuckers on the face of the planet. Self quarantine is just something they would never do because it means they'd have to stay in for safety of others and they just won't have it. Doesn't matter if they came back from a red zone but tested negative. Staying in 2 weeks just to be absolutely sure is not an option.

This song is so sad : (

Friends break up, friends get married
Strangers get born, strangers get buried
Trends change, rumors fly through new skies
But I'm right where you left me
Matches burn after the other
Pages turn and stick to each other
Wages earned and lessons learned
But I'm right where you left me
Help, I'm still at the restaurant
Still sitting in a corner I haunt
Cross-legged in the dim light
They say, "What a sad sight", I...
I swear you could hear a hair pin drop
Right when I felt the moment stop
Glass shattered on the white cloth
Everybody moved on, I, I stayed there
Dust collected on my pinned up hair
They expected me to find somewhere
Some perspective, but I sat and stared
Right where you left me
You left me no, you left me no
You left me no choice but to stay here forever
You left me, you left me no, you left me no
You left me no choice but to stay here forever
Did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen?
Time went on for everybody else, she won't know it
She's still twenty-three inside her fantasy
How it was supposed to be
Did you hear about the girl who lives in delusion?
Breakups happen every day, don't have to lose it
She's still twenty-three inside her fantasy
And you're sitting in front of me
At the restaurant when I was still the one you want
Cross-legged in the dim light
Everything was just right, I...
I could feel the mascara run
You told me that you met someone
Glass shattered on the white cloth
Everybody moved on
Help, I'm still at the restaurant
Still sitting in a corner I haunt
Cross-legged in the dim light
They say, "What a sad sight", I...
I stayed there
Dust collected on my pinned up hair
I'm sure that you got a wife out there
Kids and Christmas, but I'm unaware
Cause I'm right where
I cause no harm
Mind my business
If our love died young
I can't bear witness
And it's been so long
But if you ever think you got it wrong
I'm right where
You left me
You left me no, you left me no
You left me no choice but to stay here forever
You left me
You left me no, you left me no
You left me no choice but to stay here forever

¡Bienvenidos, amigos!

 As the earth completed its circulation around the solar system, we were down south in Desaru Coast. Shu and I wanted to just kick back and rock out to live music. 

I brought my Hummingbird and Shu rented a humbucker stratocaster coz he wanted to try playing Franz Ferdinand songs. The kids wanted to go swimming so we got the duplex with a private pool. That way, I'd have my space and the kids have their space upstairs.

We discovered that we earned the Rock Royalty privilege so we had access to the lounge and that also meant that we don't have to pay a deposit for guitar rentals. The Roxity Kids Club now charges 20 bux per kid for an hour. The place was packed.

We did however managed to enjoy Arjuna (the band) live on new year's eve and the night after that. I swear to God, its either the stage sound system or just the sound engineer but they sound awesome every damn time. And the vocalist this time around was this awesome woman with this awesome powerful voice.

Anywho, we had some weird shit happening on our first night there. Then, we watched Annabelle Comes Home on the second night. The next day, the kids wanted to splash in the pool so we did a lot of that. 

Erm....... Ali Imran accidentally fell into the pool one time and I dove in to get him and I didn't even take my phone out of my back pocket. He's fine. He needs to learn how to swim. 

Anywho, it hasn't stopped pouring. This year there is definitely some serious shit happening around the South China Sea region. We had to take a different route on our way out from Desaru Coast coz the road we took on our way in was completely flooded. 

Lounge

This was good Lamb Rack. I highly recommend. 

I recommend the spa too....... 

This is Brad Paisley's Road Tour guitar 

So brown eyes, I'll hold you near, 'Cause you're the only song I want to hear

 A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

My sister and Simon visited last weekend. They brought Hamza and Suhaila with them and the kids had a blast playing with their cousins. They haven't seen each other in such a long time. It's always been on video calls and it's just not the same.

My sister was telling me about the therapy she's been going to and how it's turning out. It's not hypnosis but it's like alternative healing. She said that growing up, all of us had been instilled with so much fear that it has become muscle memory and that at any point we came across a situation we needed to confront something that somewhat triggers a memory from the past, we'd react in a certain way. She said it could also be like sickness............

I dunno about those things but I feel at peace with myself and everyone around me these days. I don't want things to change only to make me go back to a place where I don't wanna be anymore. The only thing we can't seem to change at least not immediately is helping our brothers.

I have 4 brothers and they are stuck in a place whereby they need to grow up and experience life but my parents are not allowing them to leave. It's really bad for their mental and overall development especially into adulthood. They have plans to move out and get married and call their own shots but my parents (especially my mum) is not allowing them to do so.

I wasn't kidding when I said I grew up with a mom who constantly wanted to make decisions for me. Even when I was supposed to go out on a date with Shu back when we were 16, she'd be the one to tell me the moment I get home from school that I was going on a date with Shu at the mall and that she'd send us there. She was constantly pestering me about not having a social life and a boyfriend the moment I started secondary school. She's been pushing me to do my degree and become a lecturer which I never became one coz I want to call my own shots.

I purposely missed my convocation coz I just didn't want to go............

She's still annoyed with the fact that I have a bachelor's degree and I am not making any effort to pursuing my studies or just lecturing today.

She'd get involved in everyone's life,like literally.

Well,I have no idea why I come across people like her a lot in my life. Why are you not married? Why are you not pregnant? Why don't you have more kids? Why are you not working? Why are you working? Who's gonna take care of your kids?

Shu and I have this annoyance towards people who are pessimistic about anything,really. If you have so much money,shouldn't you help the people who need money?

Firstly,we don't tell people everytime we help anyone in anyway.

Secondly, Shu worked really hard for everything that we have. We both made sacrifices that people don't know about to get us to where we are. If you need advise,we are more than willing to help you out. We help whenever and where ever we can.........but you really need to stop pestering and freeloading. 

Shu was telling me about this group of people of just asks for free things with no remorse or shame. We had our down times when we had nothing but we didn't ask for free stuff. We picked ourselves up and worked on a different path with lessons learned. We should never encourage people to just ask for whatever and give them what ever they want or possibly need.

There had been several occasions whereby I come across elderly people whom should be at home resting but instead are working several jobs to make ends meet. They'd have a day job and then they'd do odd jobs in the evening like washing dishes at restaurants or trash can diving for aluminium cans and plastic bottles to be recycled. They are not begging. They are not asking for money from anyone. They are working several jobs.

We've been there too. Shu's worked several jobs for many years and now he is able to slow down a little and take time off.

I have been waiting for this.......

 And we finally got to watch it.......... And my heart went........... And Ejen Karya......... And General Rama........ And Rahul, Rajesh and Razman......... And then Nikki and gang.......... And then Ejen Ridzwan and Dos........... And Ali used his mom's gasing weapon in the end!!!!!!.......... Ejen Hisham needs more airtime! 

Durch den Monsun

 We made it! There and back again! Hahahaha!

I am so happy we decided to go back to Terengganu during the monsoon season coz I really wanted the kids to experience monsoon season. The first time I ever stepped foot in Terengganu all those years ago was during monsoon season and I loved it so damn much! It's been a while since it poured this way during monsoon.............I had plans to stop by at a coffee shop over in Kemaman (Coffeedential) but that was a no go coz the flood was quite bad and about 7000 people were relocated due to the flood......... :-(

The kids enjoyed their time with Shu's dad who took them on the scooter along the beach near the house. Ali Imran really enjoyed himself and everyday the kids begged to go to the beach. We arrived on Saturday. Late coz we took our time to drive. Shu discovered a coffee shop (Kedai Koffie) along the way so we stopped to grab a cup of coffee and headed off to Shu's parents' house.

Got up super early on Sunday morning coz Shu planned to catch the sunrise and had breakfast or picnic but Mr Sun never showed up and we ended up driving along the beach over at Seberang Takir Miami Beach. We hungout and took photos (which I will update in this post later coz pix are in my phone) We ended up having breakfast near the airport area at a place called Warung Ibu. I had my morning coffee and the food was awesome! Later,we went home and showered and freshen up. Shu,Safiyya and I headed over to the Bus Station in town. We were looking for band tee shirts but most shops had already closed down for good and the shops that were opened hardly had any band tees........I kinda feel like I already knew this but for some strange reason I forgot......... :-/

It got pretty cold when it rained at night. I remember us going out to do laundry at one of those self service laundry places and I swear I was in my fleece pyjama top coz it was cold. Shu got us Ejen Ali comics and cards to keep us occupied while waiting. Yes, me included ^_^ He got me the one with the holographic Ejen Karya pack <3

Monday was fun. We hungout at the beach again in the morning. Took more photos and the kids wanted to get into the sand so we let them. I hae to remember to always have a trash bag with me whenever we go to the beach especially during the monsoon season coz a lot of trash gets washed up from the sea and they are not from the locals. I realized that I have a thing for driftwood........hoarder alert! We had lunch before we pushed off but we made sure to stop by at the museum coz I wanted to go to the Kampung Budaya. I am a sucker for cultural studies and language and my kids are kinda obsessed with ships so it was a win-win situation. Our tour guide was awesome. There were other tour guides over at the Rumah Nelayan who taught me that we can fry crackers with sand. There was no demo coz it had a schedule but I asked how it was done anyways.........new experiment coming soon!

I am totally going back to Terengganu. Usually,when the islands open in March but who knows. Shu wants to explore a new island and the kids just want a speedboat ride. I am going back to Kampung Budaya when all the activities are up and running again. I hope everyone who is going through the monsoon season with floods and relocations are ok. My prayers are with you <3