Here's a virtual high five to anyone who needs one ✋🏼

 I totally need one.

Was at the dentist yesterday. 5pm. Took out a wisdom tooth. I expected the worst. Everytime. The dentist was awesome. I didn't even feel it coming out. It was a large tooth. 

My heart sank when she told me "no workouts for the next couple of days" I can't just not workout. It's my routine. I'm taking a break today. I worked out yesterday before going to my appointment.

I was hungry last night. My last meal was at about 2pm yesterday. Then, I drank plain water. I finally ate breakfast today coz the bleeding stopped. My weight deflated to like 43kg overnight. I guess intermittent fasting does work. I usually skip dinner anyways but I usually get hungry at about 5pm after working out and shower. 

Anywho, I'm working on a sketch up for a woodwork project I'm planning to get Simon to help me with. Doing the measurements and stuff. Oh yeah, I demoed a new song after trying out the guitar after replacing the strings. New strings definitely gave it a new sound and vibe. I'm gonna see how this one goes in the long run. 

Was at my parents house yesterday after months of not visiting

 Wani's kids looked at me and Safiyya in disbelief because all this while we only saw each other via video calls. I brought some printed out coloring sheets for them to do together.

Our condo had an electricity maintenance run yesterday. It was said to go on for about 8 hours. At first, we were thinking of staying over at a hotel. But then, I haven't seen my parents for so long so Shu suggested that we visited them instead. 

We talked to Eeno, Rashid and Qarim. Wani and mama were discussing business. My mum said Eeno is set to get married by end of this year. Qarim's wedding is on the way. The whole CMCO and MCO is really messing up Izreen's plans but I told Qarim and my parents that we should do the best we can for her.

The quarantine has really impacted a lot of people I know mentally and emotionally. Especially those who live alone. We realise that as humans, we do need to be around other human beings. This is a lot coming from an introvert like me who's lived most of my life indoors. 

Anywho, I was talking to Rashid about getting some drums onto the tracks Shu and I recorded last month. I have a lot of songs unfinished and it's either because they don't have words or I need drums. He was telling me about synchronising when layering vocals and music tracks and maximising the drumbeats on our mixing software.

My dad wanted me to take the Ovation yesterday but I discovered that Rashid still plays with it so I'll probably get it next time when no one plays it anymore. Shu and I are planning to get the drumset sitting in Qarim's bedroom collecting dust. We'll do that someday.

My mum told me she misses having all of us over and making noise. The kids misses being around everyone. 

BTW...... My guitar string snapped while I was tuning it a couple of days ago. Shu and I tried fixing the Morrison and his white acoustic guitar's machine heads. It kinda didn't go as planned coz the tuning was still a bit off......... 😑

Had a birthday celebration on Wednesday

 Yusuf and Shu organized a feast curated to fit my liking. Yusuf said I love guacamole so we had El Cantina and pizza. Since my party attendees were an 8 year old, a 6 year old and a 4 year old, we had ice cream cake and Shu got me a slice of carrot cake from Dome. He also got me coffee so the home cafe was closed for the day.

Shu got me this for my birthday.

Later that night, we were having a Bounce Patrol Dance Party but this guy showed up and tried to crash our party........ 

I'm not gonna tell you all the things I might.....like........

 Won't you apologize to me, to me, to me.....For being such a tease........

Shu and I spent hours having coffee at our dining table on Sunday night just chatting. We ended up going to bed at around 2am. 

He was telling me about how much he despises people who are selfish. It's not selfish specifically. Just people who always shifts blames onto other people just to justify what they do. People who'd say things like "I'm not doing this for myself,really. I just want to look good when going out so that my significant other won't be embarrassed when walking with me" or " I'm trying to look good when I go out so that my significant other's reputation is honored"............OK, not honored.........

Well,Shu thinks that if you want to do something just coz you want to feel good about yourself then say it how it really is. You want people to look at you and say you look nice. It's never about your significant other.......

He's also annoyed with people who think that just coz they have rank, they are all that. Well, he was speaking about married women,specifically. He seems to be someone people talk to about relationship. No idea why. He and I are not a "Power Couple". We just say it like it is. Whether it's good or bad. We keep it that way and if we feel like a discourse or even an argument is required then,so be it.

We have fought so many times over the years and sometimes to a point where we didn't think we'd make it through but we did. We learn from one another and we learn about ourselves. I'd say, he's been tolerating a lot of my crazy assed shit coz I am a wamen and I am psycho. Not all the time but a lot of times. There are also things about him that.......well, I wouldn't way "tolerate" but I think if he likes or dislikes something, I'd honor it.

Anywho, he told me that he realized over the years that he and I both have bad temper problems and that if we don't learn to get that shit under control,we'd be fighting a whole lot more. So, he's learned to wait it out a little before confronting me about something he's angry at me about. I have learned to just walk away when I come across a situation whereby things can go really bad if I were to say what I wanted to say at that given time. So yeah, we wait out and calm down a little. Sometimes it's a matter of days. Sometimes weeks. Sometimes months. 

If there's one thing I realized is that priorities and perception plays a huge role in a relationship. I was talking to someone about how she doesn't understand how I am all about letting Shu lead every decision we make. It's simple,really. I am not a career-driven person so wherever Shu works, I will follow. That's how we ended up here anyways. If I want to shop or go anywhere, I'd talk to him about it and we'll sort it out. I am not a social being so I don't go out and have tea or lunch with other human beings coz I'd rather do it with Shu and my kids.

We also talked about a lot of people from our past (and present) used to try to say or do things to not make our relationship work. Family included. It's strange. I have come to a point in my life whereby I am aware of how much some people just love telling me what to do so I just let them say what they want but I don't have to care or think about it if I don't want to. Only what Shu and my kids think matter to me.

Mulan is an inside joke

 I was getting ready and Yusuf walked into the room. He saw my unfinished makeup and said "You look like Mulan!" Shu laughed so hard coz he knows that my mom calls me Mulan and it annoys me so much.

Shu helped me rearrange the studio the other night. Today we shot a couple of videos and recorded some songs. He's trying to find the best setting for the guitar and my vocals. I kept messing up coz I got nervous. I haven't done this for over 10 years. Recording and playing live. I always mess up lyrics. Always. 

Anywho, Happy Chinese New Year!

Having sex on weeknights is never a good idea

 Only coz you are probably not gonna get up early the next day......or you could but you'd be a little tired coz you have shitloads of things to get done throughout the day...........Either ways, sex is good. Sex every night is good too...........

Shu and I were talking about cars today. I love talking about cars coz technology has come a long way and I am always still ever so excited looking at engines and motors............Anywho, we were talking about Green Cars and how it is helpful in many ways..........At one point, people were worried about radiation from electric cars. Just like cellphones, we used to worry about radiation and stuff but we have overcome a lot. 

The annoying part is that as much as anyone or most people would want to go green and do their parts and save on things like fuel consumption and stuff, the average Green Car is still not within the "affordable" range. That's why people are still driving 20-year old cars. Maintenance is another issue. The more basic a vehicle is the cheaper it is to maintain. You start putting bells and whistles into it and it gets complicated.

We have experienced and witnessed car owners whom are maintaining complicated continental cars. It's supposed to be a form of safety feature but because it has way too many sensors,when it sends a warning signal for something so minor it could result to just not allowing to move completely. I've driven my dad's old Fiat back when I used to go back and forth to uni. There was this one time, we had a meeting at 8pm and I was driving to uni alone that night and the mofo car decided that "Airbag failure" equals to "Engine Shutting Down". So there I was in the middle on the road at night completely stopped coz the damn car thinks so.

On the note of the "Airbag Failure" error message. It was actually a sensor problem. It was working and I am aware that it was a safety feature most cars have. It was a problem in the middle of being fixed at the time. 

Anywho, we know someone who drives an Audi Q7. The maintenance is one thing. The sensor thing was another. Audi makes good cars, don't get me wrong. I love a good German car. It was yet a sensor problem that occured. The car just got checked and serviced before it occurred. The car decided to not move. And it ended up at the service center and got out and then it happened again.

I am one who usually opposes electronics in cars because I like basic things but I can't deny that sometimes, things become obsolete over time and we need to move on. So, here we are.........our cars aren't the most basic but it's not fully electronic-loaded.

I have yet again, digressed...........Green Cars. They need to be more affordable for the masses.

And yes, sex.........sehr gut!

I was dancing in the rain I felt alive and I can't complain

 I miss dancing and playing in the rain. I also miss sunshine and the beach. I miss the sea breeze. I miss driving anywhere with a takeaway coffee and just chatting away with Shu while the kids fall asleep in their carseats. I miss watching the kids practising for their Sports Day or School Year End performances.

But now take me home
Take me home where I belong
I can't take it anymore

I miss jamming in a studio with actual drums and a bunch of goofy people who'd play anything and sing anyhow we can sing. I miss taking off in the middle of the night and just drive away into a different state and do whatever and then come home some days later with Shu and the kids.

Yesterday was Eeno's birthday. We wished him via text messages and voice messages. I haven't seen him in a long while. I haven't seen my parents in a long while. I haven't been back to TTDI in a long while. The most I've been doing is video calls with my sister and my mum. Sometimes, my aunty is around and would join in. Mostly, it's my kids goofing around with Wani's kids. I haven't seen my brothers in a long while.

The only thing I keep thinking of everytime they announce an MCO extension is the next time I'd go on a holiday. Shallow. I know. But a change of environment or ambience or air is good every once and a while. 

I need a focal point. A muse. An inspiration to write. I told myself I am not writing dark,depressing lyrics anymore although that is my easiest genre. I am pushing for something upbeat and some sunshine.........Rainbows and butterflies are far beyond that..........but I wouldn't mind.

I was talking to Shu the other night. About me being an adult and that how people are always just sheltering me from real numbers. My entire life had been just that. "Don't worry about it, it's nothing......." Maybe I should worry? I know that I am not the most human person out there when it comes to interacting with real people in the real world but I can try. I can worry when I need to. I can also lose my shit when I should.........And not lose my shit..........

I've been doing a lot of doodling and art. I lack supplies because I am still trying to figure out materials but I am getting somewhere. The color I seem to want is red and I need to figure out some measurements...........I also need some black...........

Live With AURORA: For the humans who take long walks in the forest

 

The lockdown has helped me a lot in terms of development

 Last year, when they first announced a lockdown, I started working out. I would have never started otherwise. Shu has asked me to join the gym since the kids were all in school at the time. I couldn't because I'm terrified of human beings in general. I had always been this way. So I looked into YouTube and discovered a channel that has a lot of no equipment bodyweight workout routines. I've managed to lose weight and now maintain a certain weight.

I've also told myself to make sure that I learn something everytime I go online. Last year, I learned woodworking and after that I learned about building houses and waterproofing bathrooms. Then, I learned a few things about cooking and baking. I also learned a few things about plants coz I've been trying to save my dying plants and propagating some of them. 

This year, I'm writing songs again. It's not perfect everytime and it definitely needs work but at least I'm getting somewhere. I think eversince the lockdown began again this year, I've only gone out once to do some banking that Shu cannot do unless he cuts my hand off to use my thumbprint.

Anywho, I'm currently learning how to make rugs......... 

I don't belong here, I don't belong anywhere

 Yesterday, Shu was off so while the kids were in school and homeschooling, he helped me record 3 samples of songs I've been keeping on my phone as drafts with no lyrics since last year. I have at least 10 songs with no lyrics and pages of words with no melody. 

This had been going on since October. Well, I've been writing since July or earlier but music drafts had been recorded on my phone later. I need to find the right time and mood and ambience to get all the songs completed.

Shu and I wrote our first grunge song ever. Shu has a couple of songs that needs work too. 

I love recording with the Hummingbird coz it sounds amazing but it really does emphasize all the tiny mistakes like if I accidentally strum too hard or my finger placement is not perfect. Shu discovered that hooking up the acoustic guitar to the amplifier and then set up the acoustic microphone near the amplifier gives best results. I don't know coz I usually just go with it. 

My sister started baking and a baking company

 

Gave up on me like I was a bad drug

 It's been a long week. Balancing Yusuf's homeschooling schedule and Ali Imran getting to school by 8am. Shu's been at home so he's getting things organized. I sometimes have trouble getting out of bed coz Safiyya sometimes sleeps really late and she likes to play and talk to me so we'd end up chatting. If things ever get back to last year's schedule I am gonna die. 

I think they are gonna reopen schools soon. Yusuf has 4 classes a day right now. They start at 9am all the way to 4pm. Depending on which classes,the teachers will determine if they'll be having Zoom meetings or Google Classrooms. Ali Imran has been enjoying school since he hasn't gone for almost a year. His new school has more activities and less students. They have each student assigned to a desk so he feels like he has his own space to take care of. His school is also right next to our house. Safiyya still refuses to go to school and is trying very hard to convince me that she can color and write and read alphabets and numbers and count on her own -_-

Anywho, Shu and I have been talking lately about random shit. He said he's been annoyed by people who just asks for things like money and stuff without even trying to work for them. They annoy me too. He was also talking about how people are just stressing themselves out unnecessarily by setting idealistic expectations. I totally get it coz I know for a fact that I used to do that and everytime shit doesn't go according to plan, I'd crash.

He was talking about simple things like financial budgeting. You can't plan your expenditure based on 100% of what you take home. You need to give at least 20% off to unplanned spendings like emergency funds or something. I was thinking more like how life itself doesn't always work out the way we plan. Like how my pregnancies and labor problems occur. I never planned for emergency deliveries or surgeries but it happened and I almost died but I didn't. It's no one's fault. I definitely did not see myself the way I am right now back when I was studying.

That doesn't bother me as much as people who are always wanting to impress and would do anything just so that they can take credit over things that they did not do. My only question is "WHY?" I feel like it's already such a hassle living up to other people's expectations,why go the extra mile just to impress? At what cost? You burn bridges along the way. It's a very childish and unhealthy mindset for an adult to have. If you can't afford it, then you just can't afford it. If you didn't do it then why take the credit? Life isn't just about the spotlight and glamour. Reality isn't. Why get sucked into shit like this?

I digress.........I had a point somewhere along the way..........I am so sleepy...........

This song was in my head...........

I coulda been the one you noticed

I coulda been all over you
I coulda been like all the others
Is that what I'm supposed to do?

It woulda been really stupid,
If I woulda went home with you
To give you everything you wanted
It woulda been way too soon

I try to be sensative
I try to be tough
I try to walk away...
I try to be innocent
I try to be rough
But I just wanna play

You're my daydream, you know that I've been thinking about you... lately
And everytime I look at you
I can't explain I feel insane, I can't get away
You're my daydream

And you know, and you know, and you know, and you know,
You're making me insane
And you know, and you know, and you know, and you know,
You're doing it again

-Avril Lavigne-

I wish someone would have told me before

 The wind--it blows through the trees

Claiming those innocent leaves

And the thunder rolls these crashing seas
Like a tender kiss holds this heart in me

In this lifelong love song
You can love right, you can love wrong
In this love song, you can love wrong
But if you love wrong, it doesn't mean love's gone

Mary was a young girl with a young girl's heart
And all I can remember is I loved her from the start
I was hers forever, she was mine too
But something's wrong 'cause now she's gone
Tell me, what did I do?

In this lifelong love song
You can love right, you can love wrong
In this love song, you can love wrong
But if you love wrong, it doesn't mean love's gone

Oh, and it doesn't mean love's gone
Just because you're feeling low
And it doesn't mean love's gone
'Cause you feel like you want to let go
See, no one wrote in this book of love
That we'd always know
I wish someone would have told me before

We talked about love a million times it seems
The words come out of our lips
Like we forget what it means
And we said we'd be together till death do us part
But we said those words with only half our hearts

In this lifelong love song
You can love right, you can love wrong
In this love song, you can love wrong
But if you love wrong, it doesn't mean love's gone

I wish someone would have told me
I wish someone would have told me before

Happy 8th birthday Yusuf

 Shu managed to make it happen despite the pandemic. Despite the quarantine. No, Ali Imran is not in school just yet eventhough his school started on the 20th. We're not prepared to let him take the risk. Yusuf won't begin school until next week...... I think. Safiyya is still protesting. We can't even say the word "school".

In from the snow, your touch brought forth an incandescent glow...........

 ......Tarnished but so grand.............

I had a hard time falling asleep last night. I was up till about 3am. The wind was blowing so strong that it made an eerie howling sound and made the bathroom door rattle. I have sensitive hearing so if I already have problems sleeping, little things can keep me up.

It gets even worse when I have strange dreams. I hate dreams when there are people in it. People I know. People I don't. Why do they appear in my sleep? I was clearly thinking about a lot of other things at the time. What do they want from me?

I used to dream of wonderful things like flying or snakes. I love dreaming about snakes. Most often at times, I'd dream of being chased by snakes. I once dreamt of being bitten by one. I love snakes. The ones from my dreams are sometimes scary looking but I really like them.

The strangest factor of most of my dreams is that I was almost always at my old grandmother's bungalow back in PJ. I used to spend so much time there when I was kid. I liked that place a lot. It's huge. I remember it being bigger than it probably is when I was little. I could get lost or play hide and seek and no one would be able to find me. I remember seeing a snake once in the backyard. I also befriended a bat who lived on her bedroom window.

There was a huge yard. My step-grandfather used to do a lot of gardening. I swear you could park at least 10 cars in the front yard. There used to be leeches on the tiled patio when it rained. It gets really dark at night because the lights would be turned off one at a time and I would always run upstairs as quickly as possible because I had to go up the stairs and go down the hallways to the other end to go to the bedroom. I never go downstairs if I ever got thirsty at night coz I didn't want to go downstairs alone.

Funny, I grew up to an adult who'd spend so much time alone in the dark in the middle of the night not being able to fall asleep like a regular human being.............  

On January 11th, we headed to Terengganu for a quick rescue mission

 Shu's parents were still there we already anticipated an MCO Lockdown coming up at the time. The problem was Shu's mum was having trouble standing up and Shu's dad isn't strong enough to lift her on his own. Shu told me this and that evening we decided to pack up and leave for the east coast. I wasn't about to let just let them be. We all went. 

It was a slow trip coz it was still raining over in Pahang area and it was getting dark so we didn't want to risk running into floods. We took the AWD coz we needed the more reliable car to get us through anything especially during the monsoon season. We reached Shu's parent's house at about 11pm. The kids were up and awake coz they've been asleep the entire drive.

Shu's parents slept in the room downstairs coz Shu's mum can't climb up the stairs. Luckily, Zairy brought over his dad's wheelchair earlier that day. That helped a lot coz it could get Shu's mum around the house without her having to stand up.

The next morning, Shu's cousins came over to help pack up stuff coz Shu's parents were leaving for KL. Shu and I helped get their things into the car and all. Shu helped clean the house after Shu's parents left. We locked the house up after getting ready and all and headed out. We were supposed to stay behind in case anything happened to Shu's parents on their way back to KL, we'd be coming their way.

However, we did manage to hang around the beach and around town a little. Shu got me Avocado shake over at Pantai Batu Buruk which I love so damn much! It was a quick trip but the kids and I always enjoy ourselves when we go back to Shu's home coz it feels like our home too............

I hope I made his day

 

I sent my dad this yesterday. He said thanks. Growing up, we were never taught or practised being thankful especially to him because we were trained to think that he is fear and we should always be on our toes whenever he's around. He was a pilot so we don't usually see him that much. My memories with him are mostly good ones like helping him fixing the car or bike or doing woodwork. I know tools and woodworking because of him. His dad was a carpenter so woodworking runs in my blood. I hope I'll see him once this lock down is over. He hasn't seen my Hummingbird 😉

People

 I cannot understand why some people just have to be invasive and offensive towards other people. Why can't we just be happy with what we have and take care of the little things that actual matters? It's almost like war is all they ever want and they ever want to do. I also don't understand why and how they have supporters whom at the end of the day would just be forgotten just like everything else. 

Also,there are people out there whom are either stupid or misinformed or both. 

I personally dislike people who window shop just because at times like these when every headcount matters, you really don't need to be where you have no business to be at. It's a waste of everybody's time and space,really. 

If you feel under the weather.......erm......you might wanna stay home. Despite the entire 2020 being an entire year of training us to adhere to new ways of living,some people are just too fucking densed to understand it. They don't know what social distancing is. They don't know what personal space is. Hell,they don't even know how to fucking queue up. 

Some are just dumb as fuck. If you need to write or register at a shop entrance,you need to understand that this is not some stupid log book for you to put in a short name or nickname. How stupid are you to think that this is just an autograph book? If anything happens or if there is a case and you happen to be there,they can contact you and have you checked...........

I guess that's just it. They are the most selfish motherfuckers on the face of the planet. Self quarantine is just something they would never do because it means they'd have to stay in for safety of others and they just won't have it. Doesn't matter if they came back from a red zone but tested negative. Staying in 2 weeks just to be absolutely sure is not an option.

This song is so sad : (

Friends break up, friends get married
Strangers get born, strangers get buried
Trends change, rumors fly through new skies
But I'm right where you left me
Matches burn after the other
Pages turn and stick to each other
Wages earned and lessons learned
But I'm right where you left me
Help, I'm still at the restaurant
Still sitting in a corner I haunt
Cross-legged in the dim light
They say, "What a sad sight", I...
I swear you could hear a hair pin drop
Right when I felt the moment stop
Glass shattered on the white cloth
Everybody moved on, I, I stayed there
Dust collected on my pinned up hair
They expected me to find somewhere
Some perspective, but I sat and stared
Right where you left me
You left me no, you left me no
You left me no choice but to stay here forever
You left me, you left me no, you left me no
You left me no choice but to stay here forever
Did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen?
Time went on for everybody else, she won't know it
She's still twenty-three inside her fantasy
How it was supposed to be
Did you hear about the girl who lives in delusion?
Breakups happen every day, don't have to lose it
She's still twenty-three inside her fantasy
And you're sitting in front of me
At the restaurant when I was still the one you want
Cross-legged in the dim light
Everything was just right, I...
I could feel the mascara run
You told me that you met someone
Glass shattered on the white cloth
Everybody moved on
Help, I'm still at the restaurant
Still sitting in a corner I haunt
Cross-legged in the dim light
They say, "What a sad sight", I...
I stayed there
Dust collected on my pinned up hair
I'm sure that you got a wife out there
Kids and Christmas, but I'm unaware
Cause I'm right where
I cause no harm
Mind my business
If our love died young
I can't bear witness
And it's been so long
But if you ever think you got it wrong
I'm right where
You left me
You left me no, you left me no
You left me no choice but to stay here forever
You left me
You left me no, you left me no
You left me no choice but to stay here forever