At about 11:15pm on Thursday

 I received text messages from Ayumi-Chan. She basically said that LinZy was in the High Dependency Unit at a hospital in Kota Damansara and that I should inform as many people who may know her. She said she didn't have much info on it coz Lina was the one who sent out the message.

I scrolled through my phone contacts and realised that I have LinZy's phone number. I texted her hoping that she'd reply coz knowing hospitals and procedures, she may not have been able to pick up her phone if I were to call. I was a bit worried coz I wasn't aware if she had any major health issues for as long as I've known her.

Safiyya was asking me what was going on coz I was a bit panicky. I just told her a little bit about what was happening and we said a little prayer for LinZy before bed.

The next morning, LinZy replied. She's OK but she's gonna be needing either meds or surgery or both. I just hope she's not in too much pain. I hope she gets better.

You need to get better LinZy-Chan!

In my head, we're still living like we did back in our university days.....but with kids..... I always forget that we get older and we have to start looking out for ourselves a little more coz our health and immune system isn't working like how it used to 😕

Castles glitter under Spanish skies

 But I'm just looking out for you tonight

Writing has been good therapy for me. Even though it's not lyrics or songs, I still add those elements every once in a while on random pages. I forget how nice it feels to be taken away from the reality of life. I still write depressing things but not entirely. It's nice to be different people at the same time and the experience of going in and out of each character is just something I haven't done in a long while. I didn't realize how fun it was 🙂

core memory

 A friend of mine experienced one of the worst things in her life. Yesterday, she and her family were driving and as they got to a toll booth, there was a black Vellfire in front of their car. Suddenly, out of nowhere, came an Indian guy with tattoos approaching their vehicle. She said it felt like they were about to get robbed in broad daylight. The worst part was, when the guy approached their driver's window to speak to her husband, she started freaking out. No one from the toll House came out to check if everything was OK. She said that despite whatever that guy was telling them, they drove to the police station to be safe and then further carried on their discussion there. She felt safer there because the police were armed.

I don't know what people know about this country but safety is highly questionable. It's all over the news that people get mugged in broad daylight here. I grew up in a place where so called people with money live and no one is safe. Like seriously. Houses get broken into within minutes. My grandma got mugged at noon while waiting at the traffic lights. It's almost like they just say there's a safety protocol but it's not for the civilians. We are just collateral waiting for the wrong place and time..... 

Losing track of time

 My mind is everywhere and somewhere at the same time. It's hard to explain but I think some parts of my brain had been awakened by my suppression of activities. I think that instead of going down the depression route, I made a sound decision to pull myself away from there and focused on things that could take me elsewhere regardless if it's a happy place or not.

Now, I am pumped with creative thoughts which is currently being put into words, designs and music. It's fun. Sometimes it does make me unsatisfied from not being able to express it fully but that's what drafts are for. I have room for improvement and revision.

I have always found joy in writing with pen and paper and after all these years, it still feels that way whenever I pick a pen and paper to write. It's different from making art.

Also, I found myself a good playlist of songs and music to set the tone.

I was telling Shu about the good old jamming studio days. It was not just a jamming studio. It's a place where random people from random places who come together to play music and to appreciate the music of others. It's just a feel good place and time. 

I miss that sometimes....... 

I'm not really feeling like myself today

 I just want to lie on my back and close my eyes. I'm so bored but my back is killing me. It's not the workout. I think my stress level has something to do with my period cycle skipping an entire month. I have been in so much pain in the last couple of days. At least I'm not pregnant :)

I think the weather is also affecting my mood..... Somewhat........ It's been gloomy. I like gloomy considering how hot it's been.

We went to the beach yesterday. The waves were quite strong. I wonder if the weather has changed drastically in the past year or so. Predictions had been off. I think I need a break from the routine.

Or..... Maybe I'm just sleepy......and possibly hungry coz I sometimes forget to eat. Sometimes, I pass the 12 hours mark on my daily intermittent fasting routine. I sometimes fast up to 15 hours coz I just want to sleep in. It's probably not the best thing to do but food isn't something I prioritise for myself. It never was.

I need to sleep -_-

Distracted by Jellyfish

 So..... I went sailing again..... Finally. After months. I don't know if I kept making up excuses or coach really was busy with races on the west coast. Either ways, I'm glad I'm sailing again.

I have my own sailboat now so that means I'm not going to wait around for available hulls when all of the sailors return for a full day of training. Also, I have a brand new sail. Didn't realise it didn't come with battens so I had to borrow. Erm, I borrowed the rudder and dagger board too coz..... I wasn't sure which ones were supposed to be mine.

The 2 sailors who helped me set up (Nik and Daniel) got rigging and I think the ones left on my boat wasn't complete. Nik switched out the traveler block coz said the ones I had on wasn't functioning. I didn't have the dagger board tied up to the bow coz there weren't any bungee ropes left. The kids did what they could which was more than helpful. Coach Tengku is in charge of the inventory so he would have known which ones were which but he was already out at sea on the coach boat monitoring the Optimist sailors.

I didn't realise that they had a race going on that day. What's even funnier was that I tagged along coz they didn't have all the ILCA sailors back from Langkawi yet. As usual, I didn't make the marks. I was trying to get used to sailing in the ocean and I was trying to get used to the boat. I also just realised that I didn't have any telltales on so I had to learn to sail without them. Coach Salahuddin was helpful with prompting me what to do.

I wish I wasn't too distracted by the jellyfish in the water. There were so many. I kept telling myself I didn't want to fall into the water and get stung. Yeah, I was distracted. It also didn't help that I got the main sheet stuck in between the rudder and the hull.  I'm a moving catastrophe. I'm always terrified of running into the other boats who were racing or training.

Coach says I should race. The other coaches talked me into it too. I did try. I didn't make the marks and I think I got disqualified 😅

I need to sail more often......

껌딱지

 We were supposed to drive away to get Shu late lunch coz he skipped lunch today coz he ate noodles for breakfast........ Well, we drove and drove and drove........ And we ended up in Rantau Abang. The Turtle Conservation and Information Center to be specific. Yes, the Save The Turtles event is taking place. Shu said, let's stop by and check it out so we did......

This familiar dude from the science center 😁

These guys are divers and we had a chat about the sea creatures they displayed at their booth. Yeah, we have met these creatures washed up ashore. Ali Imran was so thrilled when he discovered that they are scuba divers coz that's his new goal this year 😎

This booth displayed coral regrowth efforts which I believe is by The Tamara's Hotel but the girl I was talking to said that anyone can opt to adopt a coral so I did. Funny how we agreed on how much the corals managed to grow healthily and safely during the lockdown due to lack of human activities. Honestly, I saw the photos of the corals that grew within 5 years and it's pretty good but not enough to cover the whole amount of damaged and dead corals that gets washed ashore when tourists and boats show up. It's quite sad, to be honest ☹️

I've been craving this for a while now and today, we finally got here 😊

껌딱지 ❤️

Happy 13th Year Together ❤️

 It's been a while and we had been sticking to routines a little too much coz Yusuf is 10 which means he has a lot more school activities to do. That also means that we as parents have to take school a little more seriously than how we've been doing all this while. Also, we try to avoid crowd as much as we can which is almost impossible considering the endless amount of holidays this country has in a year.

Anywho, Shu decided to do what we usually do which is last minute change in plans and we ended up on the island where we'd usually celebrate our anniversary at.

There were some things that we had to consider coz our kids are bigger now. We can't really fit into a one bedroom hotel room anymore. We also needed to make sure Ali Imran and Safiyya were able to get used to snorkeling before heading to the marine park straight away. Good thing they got the hang of it in no time at all.

Going along the lines of avoiding crowd and people, we've discovered that taking a boat from a jetty a bit further up from our house cuts the travel time by like an hour. And the kids enjoy speed boat rides too these days which is a plus point.

We had a blast eventhough it was a shorter trip than usual. We explored almost every place there was along the beach we could for food and hangout. The kids had fun 😊

Happy 13 years to us being together, baby! 

Happy birthday Ali Imran

 Ali Imran is 8 today. It's been a long week, month..... Whatever...... I think we had a pretty good month even though its super hot back at home, the temperature here is very different. It rains in the late afternoons.

I miss sailing ☹️ I especially miss sailing the 470 with Shu ⛵

I've gotten sick twice at least, once was a really bad case of acute gastritis. I managed to work out a couple of times which was pretty good considering how hot the temperature was, I was afraid of dehydration but I was OK 😁

We decided to skip Hari Raya celebrations altogether and hungout doing whatever we couldn't do all month long.

We went to watch the Super Mario Bros movie which was pretty good. I like how they kept the storyline accurate. Can't say I'm a big fan of the voice actors but I thought seeing Mario and Luigi was nice.

We were hanging around Sunway Pyramid and doing some shopping. Lunching. Coffee.

Today, we took the kids to the Splash Mania waterpark over at Gamuda Cove. It's nice coz it's new and big. The kids had fun 😊

I love the pirate ship ❤️

complacent

 It's been a crazy few months. We've been everywhere and nowhere and we've met new people and familiar faces. I've been sailing alone which is proving to be good and bad.

Because I have to sail the ILCA, I had to get help from the younger sailors for help with the rigging coz I have never set up any of the Lasers on my own. The mast is also heavy coz it comes on and off to get the sails in. These young sailors had been sailing their entire youth. I am nowhere near their ability to set up the boat with their eyes closed.

The good thing is, even though I have only sailed like 4 times on my own, Coach Mus thinks I've improved a lot. He had been helping us set up the 470 eversince I started sailing. I'm still waiting on Coach Rani to evaluate my certification. Here's my problem....... I have to capsize the boat and get it back up........ And learn the flags too........

I don't know if anyone knows at all that I am terrified of fish........ And I am terrified of swimming in waters which I cannot see the bottom of....... And I am terrified of fresh water fish........

So far, I have managed to get myself into the water everytime I need to get the boat in and out of the water. The sailing school is located where the fresh water from the rivers meet the open sea. Not entirely fresh water. Not entirely sea water but I am quite aware of what swims in these waters and it terrifies me. I'll get over it, I'm sure. I just need time.

I have automatically made it a point to make myself useful when helping other sailors get their boats up out from the water. I especially help the Optimist sailors coz they are so damn tiny and I try to help Coach Mus with the Hansa boats coz most of the sailors get off at the jetty area onto their wheelchairs so he's usually left alone to get all those boats up. I just tend to help around with ILCA sailors as well whenever they get up.

There's been a lot of competitions locally and in Singapore and Thailand recently. The international competition was the one in Langkawi. I always hope these kids get to break into the Olympics some day. I hope they'd get to train in different waters and wind conditions too like in Australia or New Zealand. They can qualify because they are highly skilled. They just need to win. That also means they need sponsors but they need to win. I hope they'll find the right people to guide them all the way up there. I know the head coach is up for it........ I just hope the rest of the management team are in the same boat.......

Shu and I got to talking about something that made me realise something about the attitude and mentality of a certain group of people which got me thinking, there is ALWAYS room for improvement. But that doesn't seem to be the case with some people and it bothers me because it was the same reason I got annoyed with something one of my students said all those years ago when I was lecturing.

It made me gave up teaching under grad students entirely because I can only do so much but if you don't feel like it's a need to do better than the best, it's just a waste of time and energy.

Having said that, I was asked why I didn't join the recent open class sailing competition. I just don't think I'm good enough. As it is, I've been struggling to keep up with the herd during training. But I'm also beginning to see why Coach had me set up for the Radial instead of the ILCA 4. At some point, that sail made me feel like I was taking a walk in the park. He wanted me to challenge myself which the Radial did. I sailed that the first time I sailed alone and I was so afraid if I was gonna get yeeted off the boat 🤣

Hello world 👋🏼

 It's February. Nothing much happened. We've been spending so much time in KL/Selangor in the past couple of weeks. Shu had some stuff to do. I realised that whenever I'm in this area, all I ever do is shop. Why is that?

Honestly, I needed a new rash vest. I've been using the one I've had since probably 2014. I'm just preparing for it to fall apart at this point. Also, I decided to get myself a cap. I'm not much of a cap person but eversince I started sailing, I'm beginning to see a need for it. Not sure if it's my style though........

We did some VR too. I'm not a fan of it but the kids couldn't get enough of it so we either have to keep going back to the arcade to play or we'd have to get a few for home use.

We spent a lot of time at parks too. Which is fun since we didn't have any access to beaches. Also, there were lakes so...... It's water. Still and calm water. Fresh water plants.

It's hard to back track exactly what happened when because we travelled home for a bit and then headed back to KL/Selangor. We had to repack because we realised that we needed some things more than others. I managed to workout which was great. I tend to lose track of time when I'm not at home. Our routine gets jumbled up and we tend to eat out which isn't great for my tummy.

Having said that, I discovered that I lost some weight too 🤔

Safiyya had been asking for her toys which we left behind when we moved last year so Shu went ahead to get them. We managed to go to IKEA over in MyTown. The kids missed that place. Our boys have come to love IKEA and showrooms because they are interested in designing their own bedrooms now. We'll probably be back for more furnitures soon.

At home, while we've been slowly trying to get the 2 grown kittens out of the house, it turns out that Chai (the female kitten) had been missing. I'd like to believe that she's found a better place to live or give birth or mate or whatever. She's been missing before but never this long. I hope she's OK. 

Moving forward......

 I've come to realise that I have become the type of person who would say "OK" to anyone who throws in an opinion at any point in time regardless if they were asked to do so........

I have also become this person who would say "Thank You" to anyone who suggests anything to me regardless if they were asked to do so.....

And if having a conversation with anyone and they decide that facts do not matter over what they think or believe despite proof, I'll just say "You are absolutely right" and then move on with my life in peace.

Looking back at how I'm always the one who tries to fix things that are broken and insists on making material things last, I have now become one who can sit back and say "Nothing Lasts Forever". I find that I am in a much better state of mind now.

I try not to associate myself with whiners because it's a complete waste of time and energy. If you just want to rant and need someone to listen but not provide any form of solution, I can deal with that. 

What a way to end the year

 This had been an amazing year. We moved which was a major event. We adopted cats. Befriended cats. We spend most of our time by the beach. I began to sail. It was tough but worth it. Met loads of amazing people along the way. I decided to get more committed to the club which is very unlike me.

I am ever so thankful with everything. I know that there were some downs along the way like the monsoon and the flood. I wish I could do more for everyone.........

Oh yeah, I joined a blood drive for the very first time. It was exciting. I've been wanting to do it for so long.

One of the things I plan to do next year is to sail more and be a better skipper. I need to spend more time sailing whether it's going to be on my own boat..... Or not.......... 

Team Foxburr

 Shu had been sailing with me.

This was when we sailed together for the first time last week. Shu was the crew while I was at the helm. I was trying to figure out what went wrong when we were reaching and running. I keep messing up. Also, I wasn't aware that Shu's never been on crew before so I was having a hard time figuring out what I was doing and not realising that I should also be giving commands about the jib sail and center board.

We sailed again yesterday.

This was us setting up the boat. Safiyya is part of the crew since she's always with us when I used to go sailing in the mornings. 

There was a race later that day. The Laser and Optimists were getting ready. We just sailed outside their circuit so we don't interrupt the race. 

I think we did much better this time around. I still need to work on the reaching and running but I think, after the first debriefing the other day, we did so much better. 

Coach said Shu needs to be at helm control the next time we sail...... Probably next week. He just needs to understand both positions better but honestly, I think we can gauge who will be doing what if we ever make it to the race day...... 

Sailing partners

 On October the 19th, coach briefly said in the passing that I am a qualified sailor.......

On June 4th, Shu signed me up for a weekend open day for the sailing club over at Duyong Marina Resort. I was windsurfing for the first time. I was learning how to understand the wind and balancing the board. I had no idea what I was doing. 

Then, I decided to sign up for the certification course. It's a 3 part course. Again, I had no idea what was doing but I just wanted to sail. Coach set me up for the Laser 470. I was confused with the ropes for the most part. It was difficult because I was overwhelmed with so much information in such a short time.

I continued to learn and practice sailing. I swear I was on the verge of breaking down and I was so afraid if coach was gonna give up on me. I was so close to actually making it. I just needed more time on the boat.

One day, I decided to try setting up the boat myself. Coach told me to come by an hour early. Coach Mus arrived to grant me access to the storage room where the booms and sails were kept. I attempted to set up the sails myself with Shu and Coach Mus. I made a few mistakes which were pointed out when Coach Rani arrived.

I attempted to set up the sails again the following day and tried to understand and remember which rope goes where. I also did a lot of studying at home (textbook, Google and YouTube) My sailing got better. Tacking was better and we did a lot of S turn practices. It was tensed but it taught me a lot. Especially NOT to freak out every damn time.

Coach said I can sail on my own now....... It's just that........ Sailing the 470 meant that I would be needing a crew. A sailing partner. 

Today, we have one attending his first lesson 😊

Shu. My partner in crime since forever. He's probably a better sailor than I am coz he understands things better and he's not the freaking out type 😁

Lesen L

 After a little over a month of not sailing from being sick to the coach being busy with SUKMA and all, I was finally sailing again. I kept telling myself that I had to focus. I have to observe the tell-tale. I have to understand what I was doing. It was OK for a bit until I tried tacking again........

I have this coordination problem when I overthink. Just like jamming on the guitar. Just like driving. Everytime I think more than I should, I'd mess up. I found myself not knowing where the tiller extension was at and then, I'd freak out.

Of all the times I was practising tacking, I think I only managed to get one turn correctly. I made it such that the radius and distance between the boat and bouy were almost perfect. I need to get back to that state of mind.......

Also, I realised now that if I am sailing the Laser, I am probably going to have to focus on speed because....... It's a race boat....... I've come to terms with that...... 

My parents came to visit

 Shu got them return flight tickets just to get my dad out of the house. The last time he was here was about 12 years ago when Shu and I got married. My mum had been wanting to come visit since forever but she couldn't just leave my dad behind. My brothers are working so there's no one to look after him.

Anywho, they flew over on Saturday. Took them out for lunch at the place where I go for my sailing classes coz my dad wanted to see the area. There were a lot of construction tapes because I think they are repairing the decks. He only got a glimpse of the boats. Also, the sailing team were all away for SUKMA so the area was pretty empty.

Then, we headed home coz the kids wanted to show them around the house. We went out for dinner somewhere Yusuf really hates but there's proper food for everyone and the place was pretty cozy.

My mum spent the rest of the night with the kids watching Ghostbusters Afterlife. The next morning, we headed off to the beach because my dad was in major need of a soak in the sun. He was having a good time...... It got too hot for my mum that she had to get some shade because she started hyperventilating........

After a few hours, we headed home to clean up and rest. Later in the afternoon, we took them on a boat ride across the river to the market. They had a blast. We'll, I always love being on water. The weather was great on our way there.

I don't know what's going on with the weather these days but we were lucky enough to have made back across the river in time before the storm hit that evening. The wind was so strong and the waves were getting rough.

We had dinner at home that night.

The next morning, the boys had to go to school so everyone got up early. Came back with some breakfast and I took a walk with my mum around the block. She had no sense of the surroundings so I showed her........on foot.... Later, we got everybody into the car to get some keropok from a nearby shop for them to take back to KL.

We got ready at home and sent them off to the airport. Managed to get coffee and after they headed into the departure hall, we headed off to get the boys from school.

It was a short trip because my dad had to go to work when he got back. My mum said she's planning to come back with my aunt and uncle and my brothers........ I hope they don't mind the rain coz I think monsoon is coming early this year......... 

Sometimes.......I don't realize how fast time flies..........

 Sometimes, I'm still stuck in a moment in my mind...........and then, I'd wake up and see that years had passed. What ever memory I have about a person or an environment or anything about anything is sometimes shocking to me because I don't realize how much time can change a person or a situation.

Especially since I live far away from the people I know........I'm always on the move doing something somewhere and then when the weekend hits, I'll stop and think what the hell happened to everything.......

I have no idea what I'm saying at this point. In fact, I don't even know who or what I am addressing.

I was chatting with my brother, Rashid, the other night. I like to send memes to him or stupid things like how I wore a top hat with bunny ears and I was playing my guitar and I captioned the picture "Slash Bunny from Guns N Posies" No one will get it coz only a handful of people I know listens to Guns N Roses...........

Anywho, I always forget how far away I am and how far away I have been in the past few years and I can hardly remember when I saw him last.........other than the few video calls I usually have with my mom. He was telling me about his new job. I'm so happy to know that he's doing something skillful and not stuck in a professional line. I don't have anything against professionals. I just think that skills usually go a longer way and learning new skills are always rewarding.

I sometimes look back on photos from my cloud drive and realize how tiny my kids were and that now, they are old enough to make up excuses -_- Sometimes, I have a hard time keeping track of their vocabularies because they keep learning new things everyday.

Right now, Shu and I are facing a new challenge with our kids. They can't tell if they are being bullied or that their friends are trying to be funny. It's hard because sometimes they'd come home and tell us about their day and we'd pick up some bits and pieces about their interactions in school which isn't the most polite thing to do. I'm trying to tell them to stand up for themselves and that it's ok to tell people off if it bothers them but I don't know if they understand what I'm talking about.

I've always been bullied growing up and sometimes, I don't realize that I'm being bullied because I don't understand other kids and why they do what they do. I've always tried to be the diplomatic one and I must admit, not everyone can understand what I say. Maybe it's the language. Maybe it's the vocab. Maybe it's just upbringing. I don't know. I understand why I am sometimes bitter about certain things but I really want to spare the kids these emotions because it can really eat you up inside and it can really affect your life as you grow older.

At least out loud, I won't say I'm in love

 

I was 16 and I was never the dating type and my mom insisted that this was my song when I met Shu........

Well, it's been 21 years since then...... And we have been married for 12 years now....... 

Abschiedsbrief

 Try pronouncing that as you sing a Deutsch song...... As a non-native speaker........ 😂

It's been a long week. We made a quick trip to KL to shop. Well, I needed to replenish my coffee and the kids wanted to go to Toys 'R' Us. The main objective was to get Shu's clothes coz he wanted a specific brand and we knew the one place that could cover all grounds.

Yup, we headed south....... Not south south but souther than east of KL.......

This seems to be our home whenever we come here. The kids love it. I don't mind the spa here and we don't have to worry about parking when heading out to the mall. So much win.

We couldn't go to our favourite park in Cyberjaya coz the weather here was raining all day and night. I was living in a hoodie. Not complaining. It's a change because where we currently live, the weather bounces back and forth from 25 degrees celcius in the evening to 32 degrees celcius in the day.

Made a quick stop to see my parents in Taman Tun. Met my brother Azim whom I had not seen since the beginning of the pandemic. He hugged me and immediately caught on to the scent of Dirty....... Hahaha...... I forgot how much he used to be obsessed with that scent back when he used to visit my sister in Sydney.

My dad was trying to get rid of some of his stuff so he gave us some paragliding rope and carabiners........

Made it back in time for Independence Day celebration...... We got up later than planned coz we had been driving all day the day before but we did manage to park and walked so far to where the celebration was held. It was worth it.......

We had a blast........

Oh yeah, one of the other goals to our trip to KL was to visit Shu's sister over at her new house. She had really done up the place and it looked awesome! We hope to get her contractors to come work on our house soon....... We have quite a lot to work on.........