Disappointment is

 The anti climatic ending of the Egyptian Netflix series Paranormal! GOD DAMN IT! لماذا ا؟!
It was already sad when شيراز died ....... Then they decided to add something stupid like......like .......
Nevermind.....

Anywho, Shu and I spent time talking over the last couple of nights about what we're thinking and what we're going through. This unclear state of emergency is really confusing and frustrating at the same time. I still cannot bring myself to fully understand just what exactly the situation is like. Are we at the state of emergency? Why are malls and banks still open? I don't know what other people are doing but I am still in quarantine.........My kids are too.........but there are families who dine out still and I really don't know what guidelines are anymore at this point.

Shu said that he feeling a little less of himself lately. He said he is becoming more forgiving than his usual self. Although I cannot fully understand what he meant, I think it's coz we now have more important things and people we love and care for to consider and we take consequences into consideration. Staying sane is one thing but losing yourself can be daunting. I breakdown from time to time but I still try and am able to pick myself back up. It's just a matter of time that determines how often and how long it takes me to get back on track.

I also told Shu that maybe growing up, he's usually the one who doesn't really think much about consequences with the actions that he takes. I had always been the one who would have to consider consequences because I usually get bullied and I wasn't physically able to take on others due to my size........erm........tiny-ness..........But even then, people had always been mean to me and it's usually verbally. Classmates, teachers,family............Now, I face people whom I don't even know and they don't know me and yet they still say mean things to me.

You would think that I would grow to hate people and start doing bad things in order to retaliate. I didn't though. I still pray for them. Hoping that they would find whatever it is they are looking for and hoping that they would eventually be happy. In the meantime, I cannot change myself just because you feel or think that I need to but I won't be apologetic about it. Not anymore. And I will never try to not be myself just because I want to fit in. I've been doing it for years and it truly amounts to nothing but sleepless nights and depression.

I hope Shu finds what he is looking for. I hope he will be happy when he does ^_^