My Tears Ricochet by Taylor Swift

 [Verse 1]

We gather here, we line up, weepin' in a sunlit room

And if I'm on fire, you'll be made of ashes, too

Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe

All the hell you gave me?

'Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you

'Til my dying day

[Chorus]

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace

And you're the hero flying around, saving face

And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake?

Cursing my name, wishing I stayed

Look at how my tears ricochet

[Verse 2]

We gather stones, never knowing what they'll mean

Some to throw, some to make a diamond ring

You know I didn't want to have to haunt you

But what a ghostly scene

You wear the same jewels that I gave you

As you bury me

[Chorus]

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace

'Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave

And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake?

Cursing my name, wishing I stayed

Look at how my tears ricochet

[Bridge]

And I can go anywhere I want

Anywhere I want, just not home

And you can aim for my heart, go for blood

But you would still miss me in your bones

And I still talk to you (When I'm screaming at the sky)

And when you can't sleep at night (You hear my stolen lullabies)

[Chorus]

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace

And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves

You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same

Cursing my name, wishing I stayed

You turned into your worst fears

And you're tossing out blame, drunk on this pain

Crossing out the good years

And you're cursing my name, wishing I stayed

Look at how my tears ricochet

Shu is now writing songs with me ^_^

 This is so much fun!

Last week had been chaotic unnecessarily. Seriously, it was not called for AT ALL. Some people just don't know where to draw the line about how far they can interfere in someone else's lives but this time most of us think that she's gone far enough. 

I've made it clear about where I feel like they have put me. I'm the outsider who abandoned ship. I am the one who doesn't know what is really happening. I am the dumb blonde who doesn't know much about anything. I have no clue about real world problems and struggles coz I don't show it and therefore I don't know. What is it that you want from me now? Is this a political race now? Suddenly every vote counts? 

Or you just want someone to vent out to? I had always been a listener. I may not be able to provide solutions for every damn thing but I can listen to your problems and try not to get absorbed into it.

I honestly think that there are limitations as far as getting involved in someone else's finances is concerned. Yeah.......I'll just leave it to that. Sometimes, things are not as chaotic as you think. Also, I firmly believe that things always happen for a reason. In this case, it's not physics but I am sure that things are still under control. We really don't need chaos.

That's the problem with people who are obsessed with conspiracy theories. They tend to dwell on the problems but not provide solutions. There will always be a problem. There are also ways to overcome it or handle it. Dwelling on it and always talking about it isn't a way to solve it. Some things are just written in stone is going to happen. Still,that doesn't mean we cannot think about here and now and today. After all, right now is where we are at the moment. 

Maybe if they just take a step back and not try to get involved in other people's lives,they'll live a happier life. They can actually live for once.

You've Got A Friend In Me

 I feel like of all the people in my family growing up, my dad was the only one who ever acknowledged who I truly was. He said I am a hedonist and that things that make me happy may not be conventional but as long as it makes me happy, I'll be alright. 

Yesterday, we were at Taman Tun just hanging out. My dad was showing me some PRS guitars he liked on his phone while I was jamming away on the Ovation. He had always been a Paul Reed Smith guitars fan for as long as I've known him. He was talking to me about his co worker asking him how much the guitar costs and if he was planning to make money out of it.

I told him, first of all.........different guitars sound different. Depending on the wood and shape and materials used. We were talking about acoustic guitars of course. And secondly, if it's a hobby,it doesn't matter if he's expensive or cheap as long as you are happy with it. And he said to me ,"Only a good friend will tell you that"  I truly believe that nothing is stupid if it brings you pleasure or happiness. 

Shu is a watch person. I don't care if he buys expensive watches coz he likes it. I am an acoustic guitar person. Always had been although I don't have a particular brand or make that I like, the Epiphone Shu got me was a pink Hummingbird Pro with built-in pick up and it's made of solid wood. Playing that makes such a difference in comparison to my old Morisson or the junior Epiphone Shu got me earlier (which I travel with)

Anywho,our studio is finally ready. Mic is in and we have a U-Phoria UMC202HD Behringer 2 line mixer hooked up to my laptop. I have about 4 samples to work on. Rashid said that if he ever comes around,he's gonna bring his guitar and an amplifier coz we only have one. This is awesome. I'm hoping that Simon will bring his classical Spanish guitar around to record some samples that we can eventually work with.

Shu's dad once asked why we had so many guitars and if they sound different. The answer is Yes. Single coils and humbuckers sound different. Acoustics sound different too. Looking at how my progress with electric guitars is kinda slow, the Mega Distortion pedal I have should be good enough for an idiot like me to work with.

The Lion, The Witch and the audacity of this bitch!

 Hahahahaha!!!!!

Was talking to Shu about people online and how they feel the need to comment all the damn time. The fact that they feel like they actually have the rights to cross the damn line just cause they know they are not gonna get punched in the face saying shit. I don't know why things are so out of control sometimes. 

The very reason I decided to stay off grid online and on social media is this. Some people like to treat status updates like an open diary and not actually addressing the person they are having problems with. Typical. Others are just the same people who feel like they need to say something to every post. Sometimes, I feel like "NO ONE ASKED FOR YO DAMN OPINION!" Some are just down right negative people. Negative about their posts. Negative towards other people. WHY?

Lately, what shocked me the most is people passing remarks about me IN REAL LIFE. And these people don't know me nor do I know them. I was telling Shu that back in March, when we were on the islands, there were this group of ladies who probably was at some family day event so they were hanging out in groups together with their husbands and kids by the pool. I was waiting for the kids at the table next to them. Just watching the kids and making sure they don't do anything dangerous. Ya know,minding my damn business.

They kept looking at me like this was high school and I did something bad and the whole school knows about it. I didn't know who they were. It was the first time this happened so I wasn't sure about what I was supposed to do. Shu came back from the hotel room and I told him about it and he said just ignore them. So I did. Actually, he told me to stare back but I'd never do that coz I am just non-confrontational by nature.

It's weird coz I am not some celebrity or some Instagram model with millions of followers. I'm just me and I was minding my damn business and living my life. I don't know why but I feel like it had something to do with how I dressed. This seems to be an issue it seems. 

When I was waiting for Shu to get the car at the jetty back on mainland during our recent trip to the island, I was waiting at the playground with the kids. I wore a black dress and I had my sunglasses on. There was a lady that passed by and stared at me and said ",Oh,She's Malay........" So what if I am? WTF does that even mean? It didn't bother me so much this time coz at this point, I figured that some people just can't keep their opinions about other people that they don't know to themselves and there is nothing I can do about it.

So that is where we are at right now. Living among people who feel the need to comment and pass remarks about other people they don't know. Not just online,mind you. I don't think it will bother me but it's wild to think that someone like me who is a nobody still gets mean things said to me. I can't imagine if you are a public figure. I always feel like progressive comments are good in order to help other people move forward especially in the world of creative content creation. This is not helpful especially when you (the people who comments negative shit) are not even creating anything.

Isn't it just so pretty to think all along there was some invisible string tying you to me

I'm about to rant so feel free to stick around........hhahahahahaaaa..........

The MCO and the pandemic really does suck balls. People are losing jobs. Economic movement is slow..........me and my first world problems world.........parcels are stuck and missing everywhere........

Shu had to cancel the guitar order from Fender.........which is why he replaced it with the Epiphone Hummingbird Pro...........I like it either ways.........

In the beginning of the MCO, I placed an order from La Senza coz I didn't know how long we were gonna be in quarantine and I was in need of erm.........under garments..........Well, it's been months and I still haven't gotten my orders.........erm..........yeah...........

Safiyya's birthday gift is missing and we have no idea wtf is going on........

I think the most epic screw up was made by Valiram. They had the friends and family sale as usual and this time they decided to have it online since people can't leave their houses. We ordered ONE pair of shoes coz we weren't sure what kind of delivery service they were using. On the site, it stated expect delivery between 7-10 business days...........We waited for a month. Maybe more. We had to go back and forth contacting Valiram customer service and GDEX. We finally received the parcel only to discover that they not only sent us the wrong pair of shoes but it was half a size smaller. And this pair cost way less than what we ordered. 

I'd say the shoes looked cute. And yes,they fit me. Shu called the customer service line and discovered that someone at the warehouse screwed up our orders. The shoes we originally ordered is now out of stock. NO KIDDING! So, we were provided options. They could return the balance difference of the price of the shoes and give us some discount vouchers to make up for the screw up. Or, we could return the shoes and wait for the ones we ordered to come back in stock and they'll deliver them to us. Or we could just return the whole thing and get our cash back -_-

It's been months.........and like I said, the only person to blame was the person who screwed up our order at the warehouse. I am not one to get upset and freak out. The shoes still fit me and they are cute. So Shu and I decided to get our money back just to make up for the price difference.

Seriously,so far, Zalora is the only company that haven't screwed up anything..........

*sigh*

I know,petty but I needed to vent.

Anywho, I am expecting a parcel today........this one took longer than expected but they did provide a tracker and so far,they are still keeping their turn around time in check...........

Delicate

This ain't for the best
My reputation's never been worse, so
You must like me for me
We can't make
Any promises now, can we, babe?
But you can make me a drink

Dive bar on the East Side, where you at?
Phone lights up my nightstand in the black
Come here, you can meet me in the back
Dark jeans and your Nikes, look at you
Oh damn, never seen that color blue
Just think of the fun things we could do
'Cause I like you

This ain't for the best
My reputation's never been worse, so
You must like me for me
Yeah, I want you
We can't make
Any promises now, can we, babe?
But you can make me a drink

Is it cool that I said all that?
Is it chill that you're in my head?
'Cause I know that it's delicate (delicate)
Is it cool that I said all that
Is it too soon to do this yet?
'Cause I know that it's delicate
Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it?
Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it?
Delicate

Third floor on the West Side, me and you
Handsome, your mansion with a view
Do the girls back home touch you like I do?
Long night, with your hands up in my hair
Echoes of your footsteps on the stairs
Stay here, honey, I don't wanna share
'Cause I like you

This ain't for the best
My reputation's never been worse, so
You must like me for me
Yeah, I want you
We can't make
Any promises now, can we, babe?
But you can make me a drink

Is it cool that I said all that?
Is it chill that you're in my head?
'Cause I know that it's delicate (delicate)
Is it cool that I said all that
Is it too soon to do this yet?
'Cause I know that it's delicate
Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it?
Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it?
Delicate

Sometimes I wonder when you sleep
Are you ever dreaming of me?
Sometimes when I look into your eyes
I pretend you're mine, all the damn time
'Cause I like you

Is it cool that I said all that?
Is it chill that you're in my head?
'Cause I know that it's delicate (delicate)
Yeah, I want you
Is it cool that I said all that
Is it too soon to do this yet?
'Cause I know that it's delicate (delicate)
'Cause I like you
Is it cool that I said all that?
Is it chill that you're in my head?
'Cause I know that it's delicate (delicate)
Yeah, I want you
Is it cool that I said all that
Is it too soon to do this yet?
'Cause I know that it's delicate
Delicate

Hrafnsmál by Einar Selvik

I first visited this state as an outsider and a visitor

Before Shu and I were married,he took me back to Terengganu during one of my semester breaks. I bought a one way flight ticket and packed a whole suitcase of clothes. This must have been about 11 or 12 years ago. I remember it was monsoon season. It was so beautiful. It was just rain. Non-stop. I loved it so much.

Then,after we married, Shu and I headed off to Redang Island for the first time. I didn't want to leave. If you have ever seen photos or paintings of a paradise island getaway where the sky is blue and the sea is blue and the sandy beaches are so white,this place was exactly that. That was when I realized that I am a beach person.

After that, we have been visiting the island every year..........well, except for 2017 coz I gave birth to Safiyya and I almost died and it took me so long to recover. Our kids are molded and made into beach people. All of their initiation were made at the beach on this island.

This year, we drove back for Aidil Adha. We usually don't. The traffic is usually bad and we'd be on the road for hours. It truly was just that. It took us 9 hours to get back to Shu's parents' house. Usually, we'd spend about 3 hours on the road depending on how fast we're going. It was insane but worth it.

The kids were asleep in their carseats in the back. I stayed up keeping Shu company. I could have been pulled over and tested for drugs looking at the way I was partying in the car past midnight to 3am to 5am. Yeah,it took us an hour to get from the toll booth to Shu's parents' house. The drivers in the other cars were tired and sleepy as hell so I put on some awesome music and danced in the passenger seat since our car window isn't tinted. Some people were entertained.

The kids and I had a blast. It was tiring but worth it. We helped Shu's dad fix his car. We also helped Shu's parents with the qurban meat. I spent hours cutting fresh meat. I really love knives and meat cutting...........ok,that wasn't meant to make me sound like a psychopath.

The kids enjoyed motorbike rides with their grandpa. They played with their cousins. We had a blast. I know, I already said that.

I hope we'll do this again coz I love being in Terengganu.

Yesterday, Shu surprised me with this

 He said it's a belated anniversary gift ❤️

AURORA Greenpeace Action All Areas

epiphany

Keep your helmet
Keep your life, son
Just a flesh wound
Here's your rifle

Crawling up the beaches now
Sir, I think he's bleedin' out
And some things you just can't speak about

With you, I serve
With you, I fall down
Down
Watch you breathin'
Watch you breathin' out
Out

Something med school
Did not cover
Someone's daughter
Someone's mother

Holds your hand through plastic now
Doc, I think she's crashin' out
And some things you just can't speak about

Only twenty minutes to sleep
But you dream of some epiphany
Just one single glimpse of relief
To make some sense of what you've seen

With you, I serve
With you, I fall down
Down (Down)
Watch you breathin'
Watch you breathin' out
Out

With you, I serve
With you, I fall down (Down)
Down (Down)
Watch you breathin'
Watch you breathin' out (Out)
Out

Only twenty minutes to sleep
But you dream of some epiphany
Just one single glimpse of relief
To make some sense of what you've seen

Have you ever felt.....

Like you've been invisible for the longest time and then...... Suddenly, you are seen for the first time and you don't know what to do or what to say......

I'm usually just a background...... And I am never good enough..... No matter what I do......

Was at my parents house last night

My mum told us that my dad is currently unemployed. The company had to make a mutual separation agreement with him and a few of the flight instructors coz there won't be any new students for the time being until shit gets sorted out globally thanks to this pandemic. My dad wanted to tell us but he didn't know how so my mum told us.

Anywho, Rashid is trying to sell off his Epiphone Les Paul. I haven't got much details of it but he's selling it off with the hard case. It's a beauty but an idiot like me is not worthy of such thing.

Everytime I am away from home after a long period of time

I always feel the need to unload and unpack especially emotional and mental baggage. It's strange because sometimes it takes me a long time to actually find stability especially when I don't have enough time to unwind and routine picks up almost immediately.

I sometimes find myself going through a mental block. Sometimes, it is so taxing that it breaks me down and makes me cry. I would sit in quietness and stillness and try to find what or who my focus is on in that moment. It gets a lot at times.

However, I discovered that when I returned, Taylor Swift released a new album. As I was listening to the tracks, I found a certain relief in myself. It was as though some of her songs were the damper I needed to slow things down for me instead of crashing down and break.

My brother shared this song and it hit me really close to home

You're alone
You're on your own
So what, have you gone blind
Have you forgotten what you have and what is yours?
Glass half empty, glass half full

Well either way you won't be going thirsty
Count your blessings not your flaws.
You've got it all

You lost your mind in the sound
There's so much more, you can reclaim your crown
You're in control
Rid of the monsters inside your head
Put all your faults to bed
You can be King again.
You don't get what all this is about
You're too wrapped up in your self-doubt

You've got that young blood, set it free.
You've got it all
You lost your mind in the sound

There's so much more, you can reclaim your crown
You're in control
Rid of the monsters inside your head
Put all your faults to bed
You can be King.
There's method in my madness
There's no logic in your sadness
You don't gain a single thing from misery

Take it from me.
You've got it all
You lost your mind in the sound
There's so much more, you can reclaim your crown

You're in control
Rid of the monsters inside your head
Put all your faults to bed
You can be King.
You've got it all
You lost your mind in the sound
There's so much more, you can reclaim your crown
You're in control
Rid of the monsters inside your head
Put all your faults to bed
You can be King again.

Is it just me

or do people like owning a lot of cars and not have enough parking spaces to park their cars at their homes which results to them parking their cars in public spaces which can sometimes be a nuisance?

Most houses come with a standard 2-car parking space. And most condos have visitor parking spaces.......for visitors........I find it strange that this becomes a common problem and still it cannot be addressed accordingly. Home owners would not only park their cars at their assigned parking spaces but they would also park their extra cars at visitor carparks............

Typically,people would rather not pay for parking and park illegally along the roadside as opposed to just paying the damn parking and not be a nuisance at shopping malls. I find it very strange because,if parking is expensive..........get an Uber......or Grab.......or whatever. You'd rather take the risk of losing your car by parking at an uninsured,questionable space and possibly become a nuisance to others rather than paying for a secured parking space.

Jumped from Coheed and Cambria to this

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't wanna miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

Conquer a ladder then slip on a snake

I really think that loiterers and window shoppers suck. They take up space and head counts and when people who actually need to get something from the store (s), we'd have to wait and wait only to have someone come out empty handed coz they just wanted to take a look around. WTF?!

I know that quarantine isn't an everyone thing but still,this pandemic isn't over. I hate talking about this coz I know that our lifestyles and life choices are different from one another but there are things just down right pisses me off. 

There are reasons why I chose NOT to go to certain malls even before this chaos started. It's crowded and full of people unnecessarily just coz they want to hangout and look around as opposed to actually buying something. I plan my shopping trips just coz I hate crowds and depending on how much I really want something,I usually am able to hold off or try to get stuff online.

Speaking of online shopping, I am annoyed by how long we have been waiting for our packages to arrive. It's been months and they are local postage. WTF?! 

Wow! This turned out to be a rant!

My mind is elsewhere but I cannot bring myself to focus on that now..........I am currently going on a mixed emotional roller coaster and it is driving me crazy. Some part of me wants to stay in bed and never get up but the rest of me needs to get stuff done around the house and my mind seems to have a lot of things to say and nothing to say at the same time.

Lights' Second Go has been playing on repeat and I cannot understand why.............

This guy is giving me life!

I am still in love with this song ❤️

For a while I thought I fell asleep
Lying motionless inside a dream
Then rising suddenly I felt a chilly breath upon me
She softly whispered in my ear

Forsaken, I have come for you tonight
Awaken, look in my eyes
And take my hand
Give yourself up to me

I waited painfully for not to fall again
Trying to silence the fear within me
Out of the night and mist I felt a stinging kiss
And saw a crimson sting on her lips

I have to know your name
Where have I seen
Your face before?
My dear, why don't you be afraid?

Forsaken, I have come for you tonight
Awaken, look in my eyes
And take my hand
Give yourself up to me

Take me far away
Close your eyes
And hold your breath
'Til the ends of the earth

Forsaken, I have come for you tonight
Awaken, look in my eyes and take my hand

Forsaken, fly away with me tonight
Awaken, renew my life
Now you are mine
Give yourself up to me