Hikari

 I have been listening to a whole lot of Olivia Lufkin lately. The song Rain in particular is my favourite.

Last night, as I was sorting out the kids' uniforms, a memory struck me as I was listening to this song. It's no wonder I love this song so damn much. Back in my uni days, around the time my band (RadioEdit) was starting to write our songs, I received a call from someone from a big underground band. I cannot remember the band name nor can I remember the guy's name. 

He told me he had a project in the making. It was a band with a specific theme and that the lead vocalist had to be a girl. He proposed that I would do it since I am used to singing and playing the guitar for live performances. He said he had one music track completed but it had no lyrics. He sent it over to me and I listened to it and it really reminded me of JPop/Rock which I was so into at the time.

I listened to the track over and over and scribbled out some words. Eventually, I wrote lyrics for a song I called Hikari. The song never made it out because I was too involved with RadioEdit that I couldn't commit to another band and my grades were also not so great. I think I felt like I was stretching myself out a little too thin. So I turned down the request and deleted the music so that I won't get sued for copyrights in the future.

I just cannot remember where the lyrics to the song is. I used to write out on the notepad on the computer coz I was on the computer all the time. Maybe I'll write another version of Hikari sometime in the future..........

Took the kids to Aquaria KLCC last Friday

 We were torn between going there and the Zoo. The Zoo is very near and it was a backup plan in case there were still roadblocks everywhere. Shu said it was too hot and didn't want to risk anyone getting sick..... Or getting heat stroke so we opted for the indoor outing.

The boys are obsessed with octopuses and colossal squids and shipwreck sea creatures from the midnight zone depths of the ocean. There was no way we'd ever get to sea an angler fish while living up here but they managed to see an octopus. All 3 of them were super excited. 

No words can describe the amount of pain I went through in the last couple of days.........

 I think it's been a week since I had this ulcer in my mouth. It is huge and it is so close to my left fang which makes it almost impossible to move my mouth at all. I could swear and curse every time but the pain was so excruciating that I don't think it does justice at all. Shu had been trying to get me some meds that could possibly help heal the damn thing but every single thing I tried made me cry. I lost weight because I couldn't eat. WTF?! I wanted to jam on the guitar but I can't sing coz I was in pain -_-

I've always noticed a pattern certain times in a year whereby my life just decides to be a complete disaster for a good few days or weeks but this past month had been nothing but disastrous. I am clumsy so accidentally burning or cutting myself is kind of normal but for it to happen repetitively throughout the week ON THE SAME DAMN SPOT is just the universe being bitch to me! I cut myself while trying to open the watering bottle for my plants and I've been using the same bottle for years but this time, it decided to cut me on my forefinger knuckle. The next few days, I cut myself again from the same damn bottle on the exact same spot! How the hell does that happen?!

My legs are like bananas. They bruise easily. I'd do a workout routine which I have been doing since last year and it bruises out of nowhere. It's a complete routine with warm ups and cool downs. It's so strange. Aeons ago before we married, Shu did take me to see a doctor about my knee clicking. We suspected that because I do a lot of running and sports growing up, it may have impacted my knees over time so the doctor gave me an infrared treatment. It didn't solve my clicking problem. It's not in pain or whatever. It just makes a strange clicking sound whenever I bend it. 

Anywho, Yusuf started going back to school earlier this week. He's not used to going to the school canteen to get food so Shu and I opted to let him bring food from home. Shu has been good at waking up super early to cook. I fell out of the routine come Wednesday. I try to wake up but I can hardly stay awake. WTF is my problem?! Ali Imran had been waking up around the same time Yusuf gets up because his school starts at 8am. On Monday, I insisted that all of us should send Yusuf off to school so we got everyone ready and carried Safiyya from the bed to the stroller and into the carseat. She's just less cranky than last year knowing that she wasn't heading to school herself.

My studio is a mess and I miss jamming on the acoustic guitar..........I should do something today which is more productive than gaming...........

Pulut Lepe

 It's a delicacy.......desert.........in Terengganu.........

It's pronounced "pooloot luh puh"

This idiot read it as "pooloot lay pay"

This was years ago...........

I still get laughed at about it............

I get laughed at about pronouncing and trying to speak Malay in general,let alone trying to speak the Terengganu dialect............

It's quite funny,really...........

There was this one time I was confused about "pemandu berhemah" and accidentally spelled "pemandu berkhemah" instead..........tent driver........hahahhaa..............

For the people out there who think I don't understand what they are saying when they speak the Terengganu dialect,I can actually understand you. I may not be able to speak it as well but I can understand.........Shu and his dad have been teaching me ^_^ Besides, I have been married to Shu and the family for 10 years now. I'd be stupid if I can't understand. I am still learning to speak and pronounce things properly. Yes, I get laughed at a lot but I am getting there ;)

We have come here for you, and we're coming in peace

Mothership will take you on higher, higher
This world you live in is not a place for someone like you
Come on, let us take you home

Someone sent me a text message. Jokes. At first glance, I was thinking "boomer jokes". Then, I read it out loud to Shu. Then he pointed out that it was more like a millennial thing. I was a bit confused. I don't even know what the correct category is anymore coz everyone seem to think that it's a problem. Or not. 

Anywho, I don't find it funny. Not in the slightest bit. Shu's reaction was "Maybe that's why they are not happy" which totally made sense. I have never felt like being married is a problem. I don't feel superior or inferior to Shu being my spouse. There never was a competition between us in terms of gender or responsibility because I think the household works because we each play our part and we still help eachother out whenever we need to.

It's always weird to me whenever someone says being married is "tied down" to one person. It wouldn't be marriage otherwise. The jokes went along the lines of "being married to one idiot and taking criticism from one idiot instead of being appreciated by loads of others" Well, if you are not happy with the person you agreed on marrying in the first place, maybe you wouldn't be where you are. Actually, you have the liberty to walk out at any time you want because at the end of the day, it's your life after all.

They go on to things like "I'm stuck here with this idiot" and I'm like "why don't you just leave?" Are you feeling insecured about being alone? Are you not able to secure a place on your own? Are you enjoying your lifestyle but not your company? If you really do feel like you are much better than your spouse or partner then I don't think it's a successful partnership to begin with. It's just you whining about how much greener the grass is on the other side but you don't seem to have the guts to actually go ahead and leave.

It's really strange to me. I don't ever think of anyone else less than myself. Especially Shu. He's the smartest person I know. I'm not better than him or I've never looked at our relationship as a competition. He feels like I have done things for the family which he cannot do. Again,we are in this together,playing our parts. We are not alike in terms of personality but that is what makes it fun. We appreciate our differences and workout our disagreements. We don't always agree on the same things but we meet eachother halfway.

It's kinda weird that the person who sent me the joke is also the same person who told me years ago that marriage is about meeting eachother halfway and working out our differences. Maybe it really was just a joke after all. Just not a very funny one.

Here's a virtual high five to anyone who needs one ✋🏼

 I totally need one.

Was at the dentist yesterday. 5pm. Took out a wisdom tooth. I expected the worst. Everytime. The dentist was awesome. I didn't even feel it coming out. It was a large tooth. 

My heart sank when she told me "no workouts for the next couple of days" I can't just not workout. It's my routine. I'm taking a break today. I worked out yesterday before going to my appointment.

I was hungry last night. My last meal was at about 2pm yesterday. Then, I drank plain water. I finally ate breakfast today coz the bleeding stopped. My weight deflated to like 43kg overnight. I guess intermittent fasting does work. I usually skip dinner anyways but I usually get hungry at about 5pm after working out and shower. 

Anywho, I'm working on a sketch up for a woodwork project I'm planning to get Simon to help me with. Doing the measurements and stuff. Oh yeah, I demoed a new song after trying out the guitar after replacing the strings. New strings definitely gave it a new sound and vibe. I'm gonna see how this one goes in the long run. 

Was at my parents house yesterday after months of not visiting

 Wani's kids looked at me and Safiyya in disbelief because all this while we only saw each other via video calls. I brought some printed out coloring sheets for them to do together.

Our condo had an electricity maintenance run yesterday. It was said to go on for about 8 hours. At first, we were thinking of staying over at a hotel. But then, I haven't seen my parents for so long so Shu suggested that we visited them instead. 

We talked to Eeno, Rashid and Qarim. Wani and mama were discussing business. My mum said Eeno is set to get married by end of this year. Qarim's wedding is on the way. The whole CMCO and MCO is really messing up Izreen's plans but I told Qarim and my parents that we should do the best we can for her.

The quarantine has really impacted a lot of people I know mentally and emotionally. Especially those who live alone. We realise that as humans, we do need to be around other human beings. This is a lot coming from an introvert like me who's lived most of my life indoors. 

Anywho, I was talking to Rashid about getting some drums onto the tracks Shu and I recorded last month. I have a lot of songs unfinished and it's either because they don't have words or I need drums. He was telling me about synchronising when layering vocals and music tracks and maximising the drumbeats on our mixing software.

My dad wanted me to take the Ovation yesterday but I discovered that Rashid still plays with it so I'll probably get it next time when no one plays it anymore. Shu and I are planning to get the drumset sitting in Qarim's bedroom collecting dust. We'll do that someday.

My mum told me she misses having all of us over and making noise. The kids misses being around everyone. 

BTW...... My guitar string snapped while I was tuning it a couple of days ago. Shu and I tried fixing the Morrison and his white acoustic guitar's machine heads. It kinda didn't go as planned coz the tuning was still a bit off......... 😑

Had a birthday celebration on Wednesday

 Yusuf and Shu organized a feast curated to fit my liking. Yusuf said I love guacamole so we had El Cantina and pizza. Since my party attendees were an 8 year old, a 6 year old and a 4 year old, we had ice cream cake and Shu got me a slice of carrot cake from Dome. He also got me coffee so the home cafe was closed for the day.

Shu got me this for my birthday.

Later that night, we were having a Bounce Patrol Dance Party but this guy showed up and tried to crash our party........ 

I'm not gonna tell you all the things I might.....like........

 Won't you apologize to me, to me, to me.....For being such a tease........

Shu and I spent hours having coffee at our dining table on Sunday night just chatting. We ended up going to bed at around 2am. 

He was telling me about how much he despises people who are selfish. It's not selfish specifically. Just people who always shifts blames onto other people just to justify what they do. People who'd say things like "I'm not doing this for myself,really. I just want to look good when going out so that my significant other won't be embarrassed when walking with me" or " I'm trying to look good when I go out so that my significant other's reputation is honored"............OK, not honored.........

Well,Shu thinks that if you want to do something just coz you want to feel good about yourself then say it how it really is. You want people to look at you and say you look nice. It's never about your significant other.......

He's also annoyed with people who think that just coz they have rank, they are all that. Well, he was speaking about married women,specifically. He seems to be someone people talk to about relationship. No idea why. He and I are not a "Power Couple". We just say it like it is. Whether it's good or bad. We keep it that way and if we feel like a discourse or even an argument is required then,so be it.

We have fought so many times over the years and sometimes to a point where we didn't think we'd make it through but we did. We learn from one another and we learn about ourselves. I'd say, he's been tolerating a lot of my crazy assed shit coz I am a wamen and I am psycho. Not all the time but a lot of times. There are also things about him that.......well, I wouldn't way "tolerate" but I think if he likes or dislikes something, I'd honor it.

Anywho, he told me that he realized over the years that he and I both have bad temper problems and that if we don't learn to get that shit under control,we'd be fighting a whole lot more. So, he's learned to wait it out a little before confronting me about something he's angry at me about. I have learned to just walk away when I come across a situation whereby things can go really bad if I were to say what I wanted to say at that given time. So yeah, we wait out and calm down a little. Sometimes it's a matter of days. Sometimes weeks. Sometimes months. 

If there's one thing I realized is that priorities and perception plays a huge role in a relationship. I was talking to someone about how she doesn't understand how I am all about letting Shu lead every decision we make. It's simple,really. I am not a career-driven person so wherever Shu works, I will follow. That's how we ended up here anyways. If I want to shop or go anywhere, I'd talk to him about it and we'll sort it out. I am not a social being so I don't go out and have tea or lunch with other human beings coz I'd rather do it with Shu and my kids.

We also talked about a lot of people from our past (and present) used to try to say or do things to not make our relationship work. Family included. It's strange. I have come to a point in my life whereby I am aware of how much some people just love telling me what to do so I just let them say what they want but I don't have to care or think about it if I don't want to. Only what Shu and my kids think matter to me.

Mulan is an inside joke

 I was getting ready and Yusuf walked into the room. He saw my unfinished makeup and said "You look like Mulan!" Shu laughed so hard coz he knows that my mom calls me Mulan and it annoys me so much.

Shu helped me rearrange the studio the other night. Today we shot a couple of videos and recorded some songs. He's trying to find the best setting for the guitar and my vocals. I kept messing up coz I got nervous. I haven't done this for over 10 years. Recording and playing live. I always mess up lyrics. Always. 

Anywho, Happy Chinese New Year!

Having sex on weeknights is never a good idea

 Only coz you are probably not gonna get up early the next day......or you could but you'd be a little tired coz you have shitloads of things to get done throughout the day...........Either ways, sex is good. Sex every night is good too...........

Shu and I were talking about cars today. I love talking about cars coz technology has come a long way and I am always still ever so excited looking at engines and motors............Anywho, we were talking about Green Cars and how it is helpful in many ways..........At one point, people were worried about radiation from electric cars. Just like cellphones, we used to worry about radiation and stuff but we have overcome a lot. 

The annoying part is that as much as anyone or most people would want to go green and do their parts and save on things like fuel consumption and stuff, the average Green Car is still not within the "affordable" range. That's why people are still driving 20-year old cars. Maintenance is another issue. The more basic a vehicle is the cheaper it is to maintain. You start putting bells and whistles into it and it gets complicated.

We have experienced and witnessed car owners whom are maintaining complicated continental cars. It's supposed to be a form of safety feature but because it has way too many sensors,when it sends a warning signal for something so minor it could result to just not allowing to move completely. I've driven my dad's old Fiat back when I used to go back and forth to uni. There was this one time, we had a meeting at 8pm and I was driving to uni alone that night and the mofo car decided that "Airbag failure" equals to "Engine Shutting Down". So there I was in the middle on the road at night completely stopped coz the damn car thinks so.

On the note of the "Airbag Failure" error message. It was actually a sensor problem. It was working and I am aware that it was a safety feature most cars have. It was a problem in the middle of being fixed at the time. 

Anywho, we know someone who drives an Audi Q7. The maintenance is one thing. The sensor thing was another. Audi makes good cars, don't get me wrong. I love a good German car. It was yet a sensor problem that occured. The car just got checked and serviced before it occurred. The car decided to not move. And it ended up at the service center and got out and then it happened again.

I am one who usually opposes electronics in cars because I like basic things but I can't deny that sometimes, things become obsolete over time and we need to move on. So, here we are.........our cars aren't the most basic but it's not fully electronic-loaded.

I have yet again, digressed...........Green Cars. They need to be more affordable for the masses.

And yes, sex.........sehr gut!

I was dancing in the rain I felt alive and I can't complain

 I miss dancing and playing in the rain. I also miss sunshine and the beach. I miss the sea breeze. I miss driving anywhere with a takeaway coffee and just chatting away with Shu while the kids fall asleep in their carseats. I miss watching the kids practising for their Sports Day or School Year End performances.

But now take me home
Take me home where I belong
I can't take it anymore

I miss jamming in a studio with actual drums and a bunch of goofy people who'd play anything and sing anyhow we can sing. I miss taking off in the middle of the night and just drive away into a different state and do whatever and then come home some days later with Shu and the kids.

Yesterday was Eeno's birthday. We wished him via text messages and voice messages. I haven't seen him in a long while. I haven't seen my parents in a long while. I haven't been back to TTDI in a long while. The most I've been doing is video calls with my sister and my mum. Sometimes, my aunty is around and would join in. Mostly, it's my kids goofing around with Wani's kids. I haven't seen my brothers in a long while.

The only thing I keep thinking of everytime they announce an MCO extension is the next time I'd go on a holiday. Shallow. I know. But a change of environment or ambience or air is good every once and a while. 

I need a focal point. A muse. An inspiration to write. I told myself I am not writing dark,depressing lyrics anymore although that is my easiest genre. I am pushing for something upbeat and some sunshine.........Rainbows and butterflies are far beyond that..........but I wouldn't mind.

I was talking to Shu the other night. About me being an adult and that how people are always just sheltering me from real numbers. My entire life had been just that. "Don't worry about it, it's nothing......." Maybe I should worry? I know that I am not the most human person out there when it comes to interacting with real people in the real world but I can try. I can worry when I need to. I can also lose my shit when I should.........And not lose my shit..........

I've been doing a lot of doodling and art. I lack supplies because I am still trying to figure out materials but I am getting somewhere. The color I seem to want is red and I need to figure out some measurements...........I also need some black...........

Live With AURORA: For the humans who take long walks in the forest

 

The lockdown has helped me a lot in terms of development

 Last year, when they first announced a lockdown, I started working out. I would have never started otherwise. Shu has asked me to join the gym since the kids were all in school at the time. I couldn't because I'm terrified of human beings in general. I had always been this way. So I looked into YouTube and discovered a channel that has a lot of no equipment bodyweight workout routines. I've managed to lose weight and now maintain a certain weight.

I've also told myself to make sure that I learn something everytime I go online. Last year, I learned woodworking and after that I learned about building houses and waterproofing bathrooms. Then, I learned a few things about cooking and baking. I also learned a few things about plants coz I've been trying to save my dying plants and propagating some of them. 

This year, I'm writing songs again. It's not perfect everytime and it definitely needs work but at least I'm getting somewhere. I think eversince the lockdown began again this year, I've only gone out once to do some banking that Shu cannot do unless he cuts my hand off to use my thumbprint.

Anywho, I'm currently learning how to make rugs......... 

I don't belong here, I don't belong anywhere

 Yesterday, Shu was off so while the kids were in school and homeschooling, he helped me record 3 samples of songs I've been keeping on my phone as drafts with no lyrics since last year. I have at least 10 songs with no lyrics and pages of words with no melody. 

This had been going on since October. Well, I've been writing since July or earlier but music drafts had been recorded on my phone later. I need to find the right time and mood and ambience to get all the songs completed.

Shu and I wrote our first grunge song ever. Shu has a couple of songs that needs work too. 

I love recording with the Hummingbird coz it sounds amazing but it really does emphasize all the tiny mistakes like if I accidentally strum too hard or my finger placement is not perfect. Shu discovered that hooking up the acoustic guitar to the amplifier and then set up the acoustic microphone near the amplifier gives best results. I don't know coz I usually just go with it. 

My sister started baking and a baking company

 

Gave up on me like I was a bad drug

 It's been a long week. Balancing Yusuf's homeschooling schedule and Ali Imran getting to school by 8am. Shu's been at home so he's getting things organized. I sometimes have trouble getting out of bed coz Safiyya sometimes sleeps really late and she likes to play and talk to me so we'd end up chatting. If things ever get back to last year's schedule I am gonna die. 

I think they are gonna reopen schools soon. Yusuf has 4 classes a day right now. They start at 9am all the way to 4pm. Depending on which classes,the teachers will determine if they'll be having Zoom meetings or Google Classrooms. Ali Imran has been enjoying school since he hasn't gone for almost a year. His new school has more activities and less students. They have each student assigned to a desk so he feels like he has his own space to take care of. His school is also right next to our house. Safiyya still refuses to go to school and is trying very hard to convince me that she can color and write and read alphabets and numbers and count on her own -_-

Anywho, Shu and I have been talking lately about random shit. He said he's been annoyed by people who just asks for things like money and stuff without even trying to work for them. They annoy me too. He was also talking about how people are just stressing themselves out unnecessarily by setting idealistic expectations. I totally get it coz I know for a fact that I used to do that and everytime shit doesn't go according to plan, I'd crash.

He was talking about simple things like financial budgeting. You can't plan your expenditure based on 100% of what you take home. You need to give at least 20% off to unplanned spendings like emergency funds or something. I was thinking more like how life itself doesn't always work out the way we plan. Like how my pregnancies and labor problems occur. I never planned for emergency deliveries or surgeries but it happened and I almost died but I didn't. It's no one's fault. I definitely did not see myself the way I am right now back when I was studying.

That doesn't bother me as much as people who are always wanting to impress and would do anything just so that they can take credit over things that they did not do. My only question is "WHY?" I feel like it's already such a hassle living up to other people's expectations,why go the extra mile just to impress? At what cost? You burn bridges along the way. It's a very childish and unhealthy mindset for an adult to have. If you can't afford it, then you just can't afford it. If you didn't do it then why take the credit? Life isn't just about the spotlight and glamour. Reality isn't. Why get sucked into shit like this?

I digress.........I had a point somewhere along the way..........I am so sleepy...........

This song was in my head...........

I coulda been the one you noticed

I coulda been all over you
I coulda been like all the others
Is that what I'm supposed to do?

It woulda been really stupid,
If I woulda went home with you
To give you everything you wanted
It woulda been way too soon

I try to be sensative
I try to be tough
I try to walk away...
I try to be innocent
I try to be rough
But I just wanna play

You're my daydream, you know that I've been thinking about you... lately
And everytime I look at you
I can't explain I feel insane, I can't get away
You're my daydream

And you know, and you know, and you know, and you know,
You're making me insane
And you know, and you know, and you know, and you know,
You're doing it again

-Avril Lavigne-

I wish someone would have told me before

 The wind--it blows through the trees

Claiming those innocent leaves

And the thunder rolls these crashing seas
Like a tender kiss holds this heart in me

In this lifelong love song
You can love right, you can love wrong
In this love song, you can love wrong
But if you love wrong, it doesn't mean love's gone

Mary was a young girl with a young girl's heart
And all I can remember is I loved her from the start
I was hers forever, she was mine too
But something's wrong 'cause now she's gone
Tell me, what did I do?

In this lifelong love song
You can love right, you can love wrong
In this love song, you can love wrong
But if you love wrong, it doesn't mean love's gone

Oh, and it doesn't mean love's gone
Just because you're feeling low
And it doesn't mean love's gone
'Cause you feel like you want to let go
See, no one wrote in this book of love
That we'd always know
I wish someone would have told me before

We talked about love a million times it seems
The words come out of our lips
Like we forget what it means
And we said we'd be together till death do us part
But we said those words with only half our hearts

In this lifelong love song
You can love right, you can love wrong
In this love song, you can love wrong
But if you love wrong, it doesn't mean love's gone

I wish someone would have told me
I wish someone would have told me before

Happy 8th birthday Yusuf

 Shu managed to make it happen despite the pandemic. Despite the quarantine. No, Ali Imran is not in school just yet eventhough his school started on the 20th. We're not prepared to let him take the risk. Yusuf won't begin school until next week...... I think. Safiyya is still protesting. We can't even say the word "school".