What can you do when you are deeply, madly, truly in the moment?

 What can you do when you know who you wanna be isn't perfect?

But I'll still be okay

It's been a hell of a ride............It started pretty slow, just us packing small things, one room at a time. And then, the movers came and everything was gone within a few hours. The next thing we knew, we were in a whole messy house with no furnitures. We had to rush to beat traffic to get to the hotel. Had dinner and everything and slept........which I still couldn't do coz I have been having sleepless nights.

It's not the coffee. This happens every time I have to change my eating schedule. It's been a week but I really can't seem to cope. Also, I was probably under a lot of stress that I was not aware of. Oh yeah, I also happened to have injured my ankle and my knee ON MY LEFT LEG! Shu said no working out for a few weeks until I recover fully..........Well, I feel recovered already :)

I was worried about Cleo (the cat) and I was worried about driving and moving furnitures.........I am a professional overthinker. Shit get so messed up in my mind easily. I have to schedule a dentist appointment and I haven't done it coz I haven't been able to think straight -_-

At least I have my desk for my laptop now, with my gaming chair and all........And Mr J staring down at me while I type. This is fun. The house is a mess but I am trying to ignore it until the right time to worry about it comes. 

My aunt called me today! I am an asshole niece. Actually, I haven't been in touch with family members much coz I have so much to do and decide and think about. My cousins text me once in a while and I do kinda keep in touch with them. Safiyya had been watching Disney's Encanto. EVERY. DAMN. MINUTE! I love that movie and I have watched it over 6 times already. Our driving playlist will always consist of We Don't Talk About Bruno and Columbia,Mi Encanto and What Else Can I Do? and Surface Pressure and Waiting On A Miracle and All Of Us.............well, my personal favorite is Dos Oruguitas by Sebastian Yatra ^_^

Anywho, I really should sleep......I haven't been waking up to my alarm in the last couple of days coz I think I couldn't hear my alarm go off. 

Ay mariposas, no se aguanten más

 Hay que crecer aparte y volver

Hacia adelante seguirás
Ya son milagros, rompiendo crisálidas
Hay que volar, hay que encontrar
Su propio futuro

We made it here. It's about 2 weeks now. It's kind of a drastic change. It happened really fast but we've been talking about moving out here for so long. We decided to just go ahead and do it.

I was getting sick of the view everyday. Watching life goes by from a distance. Everytime we go driving around we'd end up at the same place. Drive thru coffee. We also felt like we had so little time in a day.

Now, we have more time. More things to do. More space. And we have a cat named Cleo living with us here. The kids are having a blast. Beach day everyday. We got the pest control over the other day and now, we just need to fix up the holes on the roofs. Just some water proofing work.

I'd never live in a landed property in KL. It's never safe enough. I'd never be able to sleep soundly at night.

Things here are not as slow as most people who only get information from the TV thinks. We are far enough from the busy town area to not get stuck in the hectisness of it all but we are close enough to everything we need.

I don't need a shopping mall to depend on. I do my shopping online and I usually buy things from overseas. Also, we used to live right next to a mall and we lived really close to other malls too. It's not something we need.

I finally have space to do woodworking outdoors........ If I ever got into it. My plants are living outside and getting plenty of sunlight. I just need to get some good soil mixture for them..........

It's so sunny but I love it because I can see the skies and not be in between buildings or skyscrapers. 

Tell my family and friends it is okay when I'm gone

And from the clouds so far away,

I will be safe looking down 

I was at my parents house today. Had lunch and all. It was just my mom and dad and Rashid at home....... And some cats. Some fat ass cats.

The kids were excited about the cats although they were a little terrified still about touching them. My parents found my old realistic cat plushie my grandmother got me from Japan when I was little. Suhaila plays with it now. She calls it Scratches. Because that plushie was in the lounge area, my kids calls my mum's cats "real" cats 😑

Today, we found out that my dad is wearing hearing aids. I was saddened a little. He was telling Shu the process of getting it and how much it costs. It's fucking crazy how they try to incorporate shit like Bluetooth into those things. The hearing loss is an aftermath of the brain surgery he had years ago.

My mom was just asking me about the kids and all. We won't be seeing them till probably after Eid. In fact, we won't be seeing anyone, I think. Kids will be starting school soon. We're gonna be super busy and it's Ali Imran's first year in primary school. I hope he'll be OK. He gets a little hyperactive sometimes and he is easily bothered by the littlest things. 

We're also trying to get Safiyya into school this year. She's starting to sound like me and I really need her to have friends her age. She'll be 5 this year. 

Our lives are about to change. I am hoping and praying that we'll manage to keep it on track. 

Is it just me or is KL really, really, really cold these days? 

Being so alive Can hurt so very much

 When you're losing touch

That dream I had about a white owl some weeks ago.........it's not in my nature to decipher dreams but that dream was strange and calm and overwhelming all at once. 

Have you ever just decided to just stop giving a damn about everything or everyone else who were once supposedly the people who should be there for you but then, it's as though you woke up from a dream that whatever relationship or connections you thought you had with them were all just in your mind and that you actually don't matter as much as you thought you did to them so you just decided to let go?

Shu always said that if you were at the receiving end of a hurtful, empty minded argument, it's highly unlikely that you would be able to let go and move on as opposed to the one who is attacking at the time, mindlessly and then, they don't remember what ever it is they said and thinks that everything would just go back to normal once everything calms down. He's right. 

My depression began when I was about 14 and there was never a single day I never wished that I just died. Battling that with school and studies and not wanting to come home but you have no choice so you just lock yourself up in the room. I had friends but no one understood or knew what was happening coz everyone was on different state of minds so we were never on the same emotional level.

 Anywho, I never had any plans to make it through my life pass the age of 17 but here I am. I somehow managed to pull through. I made choices in my life which led me here. I am pretty sure there is a reason somewhere. There always is.

I have made the decision to let go of some people in my life because it makes no difference if I am alive or dead to them. Also, I have come to feel the same way for them as well.   

This is the year of change

We were in Langkawi earlier in the month to celebrate my birthday. Shu got us a 2-bedroom villa in Westin Langkawi. It was awesome. We were a bit nervous about travelling and taking a flight because the last time we flew was back in 2019. With the pandemic and all, we were just praying for the best plan.

The trip was awesome. I had a blast. Spent most of my time in the pool.........

We got home and recovered for a bit and then we headed off to Terengganu to get some things done. There's something up with the weather these days. It turns out that monsoon came a little late....... Well, not really monsoon but it rained for days like it was December.