Let everything happen to you

Beauty and terror
Just keep going 
No feeling is final

I have made peace with my parents. It's weird because I was feeling awkward and for my dad, well...... He's never been the one to express his feelings very much. As for my mum....... I have been telling her how I feel about a lot of things. I'm not a good liar and my honesty is sometimes not for everyone. My mum likes to sugarcoat things and I am not like that. 

All and all, that day when my dad was losing his mind and I had my cousin calling me out of nowhere asking about my dad, I called my mum later that day. Spoke to my brother, Eeno briefly. 

I've been battling depression all my life and it's the little things that people ignore or don't say that could actually make all the difference. Let's just say I texted my dad in all honesty and I told him he's not a bad parent. He and my mum were both trying and that whatever happened to us growing up already happened and I take it as part of growing up. 

Now, we're talking a lot more. Also, I bet he doesn't think I'm an asshole anymore. Well, I was never against my parents. I was just unhappy and it was accumulated over the years. A lot had been going on and when you are 14 and trying to deal with so many things, you'd get really depressed. Failing school. Always alone. Always bullied. Almost getting sexually assaulted. And the people who were supposed to have your back were too busy so you just carry on. Dead or alive. 

Anywho, our family has expanded since May 21st. Cleo gave birth to 6 kittens. We've all been playing our part in trying to keep them safe and healthy. It's working so far. Shu and I are still getting used to Cleo coz she's a stray and she's about 3 years old and she eats birds 😳 among the other things she eats. She's very intelligent and she's easy going. I tell the kids to talk to her from time to time. 

Shits been getting super weird

 First of all, I was not prepared for Hari Raya. Mentally, I was still recovering from the move. I was still enjoying the peace and quiet time from the lockdown. I was having a hard time dealing with the mess at home. And then, in the midst of it all, so many people started coming in all at once.

I'm just not the hosting material. I don't mind visiting other people at their homes though. I have a thing about my living space being my sanctuary kind of thing. Again, maybe it's just me still not getting used to post lockdown.

We did stay over in KL for about a week. Actually, it was Marriott Putrajaya so it wasn't actually KL. We were just there during Ramadan getting Safiyya and Ali Imran birthday gifts. I did some shopping and all.

Went over to see my parents and all. It would have been better if there weren't so many people. Again, me and personal space. I was already annoyed from them never prioritizing us over their friends and then coming back around saying shit like we didn't give enough time for the family. 

We were living in KL for a good few years and they never bothered coming around. Now that we've moved, we are not gonna be able to come around as easily and still, they'd spend their time with those annoying TTDI shit friends of theirs instead of taking time to talk to their grandkids.

Anywho, it's hard enough as it is moving and all. Now, there is another piece of shit being out there prying on my life and what I do. Honestly, I am quite surprised that they didn't even make a police report about it. If it's such a big deal, report it to the police. It's just ridiculous.

I am not a celebrity and I am not one to look for "followers". A friend of mine once told me that I was quite the low profile type online. I try to be. I've lived my whole life being told what to do. I like doing whatever I want to do now and I like doing it however I want to do it. If you have a problem with it, then........ Make you can go ahead and make a police report about. Tell them how my choice in living life offends you.

In fact, why don't you go to the press? People are gonna go "Who the F is FidZy?!" I'd be asking the same question if I were be reading shit like that. But yeah, some people love prying on other people's lives. My common assumption would be that they aren't very happy with their lives so they go around looking into other people's lives.

I believe what they'd say in court is "hearsay" Well, even if you have proof to how this is a problem to you in any form or matter, I will still be me.

Anywho, my dad is scaring the shit out of everyone today. He's been calling people and apologizing for being a bad parent or friend and says that he's dying. My cousin called me up later this morning asking if my dad's OK coz he called her. I called my mom and ended up talking to Eeno about it. If there's anything, I'd say he needs to make amends not with us but with God. It's a long story but that's what I think. 

I am death and I make all equal

 Many things bother me when ever I attend family gatherings. My family gathering, specifically. I am fully aware that I am not fully present to be considered as part of the family. That may have been my fault because I may have set it up that way intentionally.

I have no clue what people talk about most of the time. I am often left out of the loop. I have also left many family chat groups or message groups. I find it overwhelming and it floods my inbox. I don't enjoy receiving texts that are just forwarded messages from someone I don't know. And some text messages are lengthy that I just never care to read them.

I find that when I visit my parents and that they are not present to talk or see the kids not because they are not home but because they are doing something random and unimportant like TV or phone, it annoys the living shit out of me. It drains my energy.

If I could say what I really want to say, it would sound something like this :

"Why the fuck would you tell me shit like I haven't seen your kids for so long or I miss the kids but when ever we are there, you are busy talking or texting the God forsaken idiots you see every single fucking day of your miserable lives and not talk to my kids? " For the most part, I often hope those people burn in hell.

My kids are family. Not your stupid dying friends. They should already be dead. No idea why they are still living and going out for drinks, gossiping about other people. And that stupid television is always going to air bad news. Live with it. Try going out into the real world and see things for what they really are. This is exactly what happens when you listen to stupid idiots whose lives are governed by conspiracy theories like my sister and her immigrant husband.

I honestly don't know where exactly my other brothers stand in this but for the most part, they usually don't stick around too long for the same reason I don't stick around.

Metal is not a phase 🤘🏼

 It's been so long since my last post. It's been hot. Like 34 degrees Celsius hot. Hot like I just hibernate most of the day coz I'm fasting so I can't drink water in the day kind of hot.

Also, moving to different state during the fasting month is not the best idea. The sudden weather change from always rainy and gloomy to suddenly so very hot and sunny also wasn't helping much.

My workout routine was on hiatus coz I can't cope. I was working out when we were living in KL even during the fasting month. The heat here is on a whole different level. I don't even step out of the house during the day coz I could easily get dehydrated.

Anywho, we took about a week off just to celebrate Ali Imran and Safiyya's birthdays in Marriott Putrajaya. It's our new favorite hotel me thinks. I promised the kids I'd take them to the toy store and let them pick out their gifts. I did some shopping too. Mostly planned. Others..... Well, let's just say Shu got me the new Nintendo Switch OLED, Japanese edition. That was not planned. I love it though ❤️ Been playing Ghostbusters the video game remastered.

Shu put the new TV up in our bedroom and hooked up the Switch port to the TV. I was having a blast.

We still have lots to do at the house but I think it would be so much easier once Shu's parents go back to Selangor coz, we really need to get rid of a lot of not just old furniture but stuff in general. It's hard to design the spaces with all those things coz they're bulky and don't match. Some of the stuff will be taken by either Shu's parents or his siblings. 

We're also planning to get the windows replaced so that we can get more natural light into the house. Maybe the masters bedroom and the living area downstairs need some powerful air-conditioning systems.

Anyway...... It's still just at a planning stage. I need to get the studio area set up before my stuff outside gets destroyed by the weather.

I like how this year, Eid came so sudden that no one is fully prepared for it 🤣 I'm never prepared for anything but that's just how I do things. I'm probably gonna be gaming again later. 

What can you do when you are deeply, madly, truly in the moment?

 What can you do when you know who you wanna be isn't perfect?

But I'll still be okay

It's been a hell of a ride............It started pretty slow, just us packing small things, one room at a time. And then, the movers came and everything was gone within a few hours. The next thing we knew, we were in a whole messy house with no furnitures. We had to rush to beat traffic to get to the hotel. Had dinner and everything and slept........which I still couldn't do coz I have been having sleepless nights.

It's not the coffee. This happens every time I have to change my eating schedule. It's been a week but I really can't seem to cope. Also, I was probably under a lot of stress that I was not aware of. Oh yeah, I also happened to have injured my ankle and my knee ON MY LEFT LEG! Shu said no working out for a few weeks until I recover fully..........Well, I feel recovered already :)

I was worried about Cleo (the cat) and I was worried about driving and moving furnitures.........I am a professional overthinker. Shit get so messed up in my mind easily. I have to schedule a dentist appointment and I haven't done it coz I haven't been able to think straight -_-

At least I have my desk for my laptop now, with my gaming chair and all........And Mr J staring down at me while I type. This is fun. The house is a mess but I am trying to ignore it until the right time to worry about it comes. 

My aunt called me today! I am an asshole niece. Actually, I haven't been in touch with family members much coz I have so much to do and decide and think about. My cousins text me once in a while and I do kinda keep in touch with them. Safiyya had been watching Disney's Encanto. EVERY. DAMN. MINUTE! I love that movie and I have watched it over 6 times already. Our driving playlist will always consist of We Don't Talk About Bruno and Columbia,Mi Encanto and What Else Can I Do? and Surface Pressure and Waiting On A Miracle and All Of Us.............well, my personal favorite is Dos Oruguitas by Sebastian Yatra ^_^

Anywho, I really should sleep......I haven't been waking up to my alarm in the last couple of days coz I think I couldn't hear my alarm go off. 

Ay mariposas, no se aguanten más

 Hay que crecer aparte y volver

Hacia adelante seguirás
Ya son milagros, rompiendo crisálidas
Hay que volar, hay que encontrar
Su propio futuro

We made it here. It's about 2 weeks now. It's kind of a drastic change. It happened really fast but we've been talking about moving out here for so long. We decided to just go ahead and do it.

I was getting sick of the view everyday. Watching life goes by from a distance. Everytime we go driving around we'd end up at the same place. Drive thru coffee. We also felt like we had so little time in a day.

Now, we have more time. More things to do. More space. And we have a cat named Cleo living with us here. The kids are having a blast. Beach day everyday. We got the pest control over the other day and now, we just need to fix up the holes on the roofs. Just some water proofing work.

I'd never live in a landed property in KL. It's never safe enough. I'd never be able to sleep soundly at night.

Things here are not as slow as most people who only get information from the TV thinks. We are far enough from the busy town area to not get stuck in the hectisness of it all but we are close enough to everything we need.

I don't need a shopping mall to depend on. I do my shopping online and I usually buy things from overseas. Also, we used to live right next to a mall and we lived really close to other malls too. It's not something we need.

I finally have space to do woodworking outdoors........ If I ever got into it. My plants are living outside and getting plenty of sunlight. I just need to get some good soil mixture for them..........

It's so sunny but I love it because I can see the skies and not be in between buildings or skyscrapers. 

Tell my family and friends it is okay when I'm gone

And from the clouds so far away,

I will be safe looking down 

I was at my parents house today. Had lunch and all. It was just my mom and dad and Rashid at home....... And some cats. Some fat ass cats.

The kids were excited about the cats although they were a little terrified still about touching them. My parents found my old realistic cat plushie my grandmother got me from Japan when I was little. Suhaila plays with it now. She calls it Scratches. Because that plushie was in the lounge area, my kids calls my mum's cats "real" cats 😑

Today, we found out that my dad is wearing hearing aids. I was saddened a little. He was telling Shu the process of getting it and how much it costs. It's fucking crazy how they try to incorporate shit like Bluetooth into those things. The hearing loss is an aftermath of the brain surgery he had years ago.

My mom was just asking me about the kids and all. We won't be seeing them till probably after Eid. In fact, we won't be seeing anyone, I think. Kids will be starting school soon. We're gonna be super busy and it's Ali Imran's first year in primary school. I hope he'll be OK. He gets a little hyperactive sometimes and he is easily bothered by the littlest things. 

We're also trying to get Safiyya into school this year. She's starting to sound like me and I really need her to have friends her age. She'll be 5 this year. 

Our lives are about to change. I am hoping and praying that we'll manage to keep it on track. 

Is it just me or is KL really, really, really cold these days? 

Being so alive Can hurt so very much

 When you're losing touch

That dream I had about a white owl some weeks ago.........it's not in my nature to decipher dreams but that dream was strange and calm and overwhelming all at once. 

Have you ever just decided to just stop giving a damn about everything or everyone else who were once supposedly the people who should be there for you but then, it's as though you woke up from a dream that whatever relationship or connections you thought you had with them were all just in your mind and that you actually don't matter as much as you thought you did to them so you just decided to let go?

Shu always said that if you were at the receiving end of a hurtful, empty minded argument, it's highly unlikely that you would be able to let go and move on as opposed to the one who is attacking at the time, mindlessly and then, they don't remember what ever it is they said and thinks that everything would just go back to normal once everything calms down. He's right. 

My depression began when I was about 14 and there was never a single day I never wished that I just died. Battling that with school and studies and not wanting to come home but you have no choice so you just lock yourself up in the room. I had friends but no one understood or knew what was happening coz everyone was on different state of minds so we were never on the same emotional level.

 Anywho, I never had any plans to make it through my life pass the age of 17 but here I am. I somehow managed to pull through. I made choices in my life which led me here. I am pretty sure there is a reason somewhere. There always is.

I have made the decision to let go of some people in my life because it makes no difference if I am alive or dead to them. Also, I have come to feel the same way for them as well.   

This is the year of change

We were in Langkawi earlier in the month to celebrate my birthday. Shu got us a 2-bedroom villa in Westin Langkawi. It was awesome. We were a bit nervous about travelling and taking a flight because the last time we flew was back in 2019. With the pandemic and all, we were just praying for the best plan.

The trip was awesome. I had a blast. Spent most of my time in the pool.........

We got home and recovered for a bit and then we headed off to Terengganu to get some things done. There's something up with the weather these days. It turns out that monsoon came a little late....... Well, not really monsoon but it rained for days like it was December.