Geng Raya 2024

 I think despite everything that's been happening, we've had a pretty successful Ramadhan and Eid. It's been so hot back at home but for some reason, everything had been very smooth sailing for us. We've been taking it easy and things had been pretty laid back for us. We had no problems overcoming minor problems which was close to nothing and everyone whom we thought would cause us problems haven't been causing problems. We kept things simple and we had a happy month ^_^

I've always hated travelling by car to KL but things had been really great. We went shopping. Got all the things we needed. We met everyone we set out to meet this year. It's been a blast! I think we've checked off our list of things to do and all there is left to do is to head home and move forward. I need to get my studio back in shape. I also need to work on courses. Hopefully, I can get my resume together and soon, I can have a new schedule. 

I try to set goals as I go along and so far, I just need to cross the marks in fulfilling those goals because it's just about waiting for the time to arrive. Everything else I should have done in order to get there has already been done. It's just about waiting now. 

Oh yeah, I need to see how our car is doing in the workshop. I really like our old car. Sure, it's a 3.7 litre 4WD but the leather seats with built-in heating and the sunroof and the subwoofer surround sound is just something I don't think I can get from the newer cars today. Also, I hate having to adjust myself to new dimensions of driving new cars. I don't even like driving.

the funny thing about people

 Sometimes.......I spend time and energy giving advice. Usually, whenever I do, it's not for the immediate time and space........I am usually told to just not be useful or helpful because things weren't as bad.......and then, a few years down the road, shit gets bad. I mean really bad.........and for some reason, I still bother to give advice because.....I dunno......I'm just stupid. And it never sticks and they still choose to do something stupid and random........I refuse to be part of it now. If you can cast me aside back then, I am pretty sure I am still viewed as such now..........I refuse to lift a finger to help. That's my stand. You can suck it! 😂 All of you! 😜😄😁

“Everything you can imagine is real.” ― Pablo Picasso

It's true and I truly believe it. That is why this world is depressing and I live in a world of my own. This world lacks imagination. That's why everything you see is monochromatic. It lacks color. It lacks vibrancy. It lacks imagination. Cars. Buildings. Roads. Everything. We have been programmed to follow what is said to be "acceptable". 

They tell me sea monsters aren't real. They say nymphs aren't real but they believe in ghosts. Imagine, something that has already died coming back to life. They believe in zombies and the living dead.

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Hello world! This is present FidZy saying hello to the past FidZy who posted the above paragraphs. I have not been blogging because my head is not here at the mo. I am currently lost somewhere in the eastern region of the planet. There are Greek twin brothers with green eyes with me and a former bodyguard who is wise and badass. Endless black limos........

Nope, FidZy is not here.......

Goodbye world!

the thin line between born to die and yolo

 I always believed that we were all born to die. It's just a matter of when and where. Not that it matters at all anyway because it will happen. We just don't know it. I also believe that because we can die at any given time, we should live our lives to the fullest. We should do what we want to do because we want to do it and not because we are expected to do it. We live in a society where we make decisions based off of people's expectations and judgements. People will always judge. Doesn't matter whether you do something good or something bad. We do something new or unusual or uncommon and we would get feedbacks and reactions. 

What they don't realize is that it really doesn't matter what they think. I would have done it anyway. Even if it's something I am new to or I am not good at. I can try and try again. I also find that people who are always pessimistic towards anyone else's decisions to doing anything at all are people who don't even try to do anything at all. They don't create. They don't produce. They don't even try anything new and yet, they have the cheek to post a remark or a comment. Our challenge is to ignore them completely. It is a challenge because we live in a day and age where people think they need to comment on every single thing even if they don't know anything about it. Especially when they don't know anything about it. 

I just do what I want and I think it's been going great. What ever I decide to do has already been decided. I would do it anyways regardless what you think. The outcome varies and it's not always rainbows and butterflies but I am happy that I tried. Imagine if I didn't. I'd live my entire life wondering. That would suck.

Married To The Mob

 It is a code of conduct. When we first had a quick family meeting due to a sudden change in circumstance within the house, he quickly learned the ways of the mob and how to stay within the mob based on loyalty. It was funny because he's old enough to understand why certain things had to be done in such a way and he was laughing. It's funny until the time comes for you to know why this matters. I have been married long enough to know when not to open my mouth 😂 Some things just are better kept within the mob.

Anywho, I have been researching on guns because my writing has come to this and I realized that I don't know shit about SMGs and Semi-Autos....... -_-  I was learning about recoils and gauge and range and some other things like bullpups and accurizing....... I know, it's like trying to learn knots when I first started sailing last year all over again......It's a bit overwhelming at this point but I need to learn fast because I cannot delay any more chapters.....

I also decided to look like an anime this year. Kinda resolution..... but not really..... I have a specific anime in mind and she's not that much different looking than myself. I need to work on the hair which is quite difficult to do when it comes to anime hair.

I also got carried away with Canva. It's fucking insane! I am loving the new movie-like book cover I made today ^_^

Ta Dang

 I find that I am mostly attracted to people who have hobbies or skills because they have a passion for the things they love. People who  don't have hobbies or skills bore the living shit out of me. I usually just know that I am about to walk away with absolutely nothing precious to take with me and that I had wasted time. 

I say this because people who have hobbies usually are very focused. They are passionate about what they do and they have gone through the trials and errors enough to tell you how to do it right. That right there is precious information especially if it is something I have never done. 

Sometimes, talking to people like these would evoke a sense of curiosity in me into wanting to try something new. I am not the sharpest tool in the shed and some things are just a bit confusing for me compared to most other people. I do however feel like if I could find a different angle to look at something I really wanna learn, I could actually find a way to acquire such knowledge. 

Anywho, I find myself wanting to spend time with people who are actually interesting rather than people who'd just sit and talk about other people. That isn't something I gravitate towards and I certainly do not care what other people do with their lives and time. 

I have set out a bunch of things I want to do in the next coming months and I hope I have the time and energy and possibly the right people to be able to achieve such things. I'll admit that it's just mostly bucket list stuff but I think if I am gonna die, I might as well die doing something I love.

아프다

 I can't get that song out of my head. I have been writing so many chapters and my song playlist had been on replay and I think today, I woke up wanting to listen to something new. I just need to shift my mood a little because new things are happening and I didn't want to bring the same vibe moving forward. 

I am currently not even at home. Fucking electricity company decided to fuck shit up so I am here but not here. We are getting on with our lives but remotely. We should all just live off-grid by now. Make everything available without having to depend on private companies. It's achievable. We just need to learn a little more about getting it all done. Coz fuck capitalism,right? 

Hahahaha!

We pay for services we're not even getting. What in the actual fuck right? From mobile phone services to basic necessities. It's like nothing works anymore in this country! Tell me why I should pay for shit? 

The art of losing your mind

 I am possibly losing myself entirely into my writing and it is scaring the living shit out of me. Hell yeasss I've been working my ass off on this entire work but just doing that takes up my mind entirely and I am losing my mind and time! Holy freaking hell! This is bad! I would drown myself entirely into a world I have created.....which is weird considering that I created this world back when I was about 13 or 14 years old. Yeah adolescent and depression and everything else I couldn't understand. This was a world I created because I wanted to imagine life as someone else and now, I have to rewrite because I am an adult and I need to make more sense and also, copyrights :p I was into sci-fi and epic at the same time so it was hard to get a balance of both worlds and at the same time, the neutral ground had to be here and now. It was funner back then but it was only for me to read and escape to. Then, Tasha read it. She was my only reader. She would react whenever I do shit like killing off the protagonist and stuff. She'd go WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?!!!!

Hahahahaha!!!!!!

I love tragedy and romance from like Shakespearean era......and I love Edgar Allan Poe and Emily Dickinson.......so you can imagine the kind of heroes I'd go for but at the same time, I needed to remain myself.....if that makes any sense..........

There is FidZy the singer songwriter, FidZy the sailor and FidZy the writer...........Right now, I can't tell which FidZy I am best at -_-

Sailing Coach Course Level 1

 I decided to go to a course to train to be a level 1 sailing coach which specifies in mostly racing boats such as The Optimist, ILCA and Windsurfing. It was 5 days long and the programme was packed. It's been such a long time since I've attended anything like this. It was tiring but it was so much fun. I met so many people from everywhere.

The first person I met was a guy seated at the same table as I did. His name was Arief and he was from Outward Bound Malaysia in Lumut. He sails the Weller keel boat. He takes groups of between 8-10 people sailing around Pangkor island. I'd like to do that someday and I do love monohulls big and small.

The, 2 more people joined our group. Zu and Afizall from the Malaysian Scouts in KL. They usually sail on Sundays at Port Klang with other scout members and they usually sail as crew on board a keel boat. I can't remember which boat it is but it's a monohull as well. 

The, more people showed up in the seminar room. We had some teachers from Kelantan, a coach from Selangor or N9. A bunch of UMT sailing club students. One guy was from the scouts in Terengganu. Others were sailors from the same sailing club I'm in. 

Most of us were beginner sailors. It was funny coz I was just thinking to myself that I haven't seen coach in a long while coz he's been busy and I haven't been sailing and he's been teaching us at the course for 5 days straight 😂 Coach Affendy was also the other coach who flew over from the Kedah sailing club. 

I can tell that I have probably screwed up my theory exam at this point because, I always have problems understanding questions just like how I failed my driving theory test numerous times back in the day. For the most part, I did learn so much especially when it came to safety preparations and briefing and debriefing. I also almost fell overboard from the 470 twice. I didn't 😅

This was so much fun and I managed to get to know more sailors which was super useful especially from the UMT sailing club coz they sail together with the kids from the club I'm in whenever we practice at Duyong Marina Resort 😊

DO NOT MESS WITH JEAN

 I love Jean. He's like my new shiny item in my writing world. He's so badass. I've even imagined what it'll be like if I were to add like a serious kickass fight scene with him leading. He was not in the original writings. I have Kasabian's Underdog playing everytime I write him. I've been researching his weapon of choice.......for what he does on the daily, a 10mm semi auto is fine........woah!

I need to get my shit together! I wanna go into animations but I have until tomorrow to just write and do whatever. The next 4 days or so is gonna be super intense. I am anticipating the worst because I don't do well in new environments and meeting new people isn't something I am good at. And not to forget the exam coming at the end of it all!

😱

My mind had been super occupied and the stress level I have right now is keeping me up at night. Working out did help but I have been wanting to punch a bag so badly lately..........Ok, maybe that was my fault. My current playlist is too heavily influenced by League of Legends Arcane so songs like Enemy and Whatever It Takes and Dynasties and Dystopia would really get me worked up to wanting to kick ass or something.

vibing is hard!

 I used to laugh at those jokes about the writers and readers memes I used to see online. It's actually true! Hahaha! This is so F*CKED up! 😂 I am just laughing at myself now as I struggle to find the core of a character I created when I was about 13 or 14 years old........I managed to get the playlist together to set the tone and mood but holy crap! I am losing my mind! HE IS SO FUCKING DEPRESSING TO WRITE! Well, not him but the emotions that he brings into the story and this somehow reminded me of why I couldn't kill him off. I love depressing emotions. I used to feed on my depression just so that I could write better songs and better stories and better poetry. I guess I never realized how far away I am from that state of mind now and I am struggling to live my reality and that little fictitious world I created years ago.

Shit! I have to get my shit together!

I need to focus on what's coming in the coming weeks and these emotions have NOTHING to do with it! 

*sigh*

I was looking into reefing the sails and how to do it and why we do it.......I know, it's very strange considering how I don't need to do it with the boat I am sailing now........ -_-

I try very hard not to get sidetracked with random shit that has nothing to do with me but I sometimes find it hard to do coz I just am programmed this way. I need to take a step back and refocus coz I have goals to set and goals to meet. I can't mess it up and waste more time coz God knows how much of it I have left 😂 I sound like I am dying 😂

I'm not. I just love piling shit up into my bucket list that it almost never ends. Speaking of which, I have a few things left to do before the year end and this course coming up is not it 😂

rankings

 I try very hard not to get caught up with the numbers but I can't help it. It's the first thing I see when I open the page. I have also been telling myself that with whatever I had back then and with all that I know now, I am pretty sure I can make this worth my while.....or anyone's, for that matter.

I've also been spending so much time in the studio doing random art. I have different playlists for different things I do. EDM was never my thing growing up. Now, it's the thing that gets me going. I need to refocus myself for a course happening this month. I hope I don't screw up or panic and fallout 😶  I am a bit nervous about it coz I am not at all a social person and I am about to meet new people.......maybe not entirely but I am pretty sure I need to reprogramme my mind back to being a student.......

I have been talking to Shu a lot about fluid dynamics. I need to get myself a central locking system to practise and understand the movements and calculations better. No, it's not sailing 😅 It's just something I've been thinking of doing.....among the million other things I have planned to do. I need to get myself a welding machine. I've been saying that for so long but I never get around to it -_-

I hope LinZy's surgery goes well and I hope this could end her pain once and for all.......

My mind is all over the place.........but Shu said my writing is getting better........ 😁

Parlay hunting

 I finally went to a shop and asked about a sunglasses model I had been eyeing in a while. The guy at the store said that they could order it for me and have the company/ stockist ship it over. It's a game of chance which I can foresee the outcome. Months and months and months of waiting and by the time I really need it, it's not gonna come through. Is it just me or is the courier service in this entire country has f*cked up completely?

The ones we ordered from Amazon months ago had no tracking number whatsoever. It's been about 3 months and I really don't think it's coming -_-

I have been crying a lot. The reasons are obvious but I cannot bring myself to talk about it because it just is and I hate this world so much more than I already do.

My mum finally asked me some weeks ago why is it that I hate living my life. I don't hate my life. I hate being alive in this world. I despise people. Human beings destroy everything. Especially one another. I always believed that everything that happened to the human race especially in the past couple of years is exactly what we deserve. We are gifted with intelligence to put us on top of the food chain but instead of finding solutions to already existing problems, we create more and more problems. So yeah, we deserve all the shit nature (and other things) are throwing at us.

I have also been trying to keep myself occupied with doing so many different things simultaneously. It helps my brain stay sane and away from wanting to destroy this world we live in. I lied. I am always trying clean up whatever environment I am in and I am always trying help others (humans and non-humans) I have been trying to train myself to just do what's right and fuck the rest of the world for not wanting to make things right.

It's tough but I think it's worth it.

2023 into 2024

 One of the major things I have been trying to do in my life is removing people from my life. Not killing them (although I wish I could) but more like disconnecting myself from them. There are certain types of people who simply I cannot tolerate. Most of which are people with negative outlook in basically anything.

I have come across whiners in my life. Usually, I'd try to identify if their intention in starting a conversation with me was to find a solution or a resolution or simple to unload. Once I can identify that, I would then check myself if I am in the right mindset to receive such conversations. Sometimes, if I am not on a stable psychological stage, it's just gonna annoy me or annoy them or both.......basically resulting to a very horrible outcome.

Intention is key. Some people try to approach me with an already established intention. Some people just want validation from other people......which I do not understand why. I don't believe in living up to expectations other than your own. Just make yourself happy and then, we can work on helping others.

Anywho, I do know of some people who simply cannot stand knowing that you are progressing and making developments in your life regardless in whatever aspect it may be. People with bad intentions. People who do not like other people being happy. First and foremost, do NOT be those people. It is quite apparent that these people are usually not happy themselves. At least, that's usually my initial thought on them. Then, they like to ask you how you are doing just to see if you are not having a good time like them.

People like these usually carry on conversations only and if ONLY you reply with a problem you are facing. If you simply state what you are doing and that it is mostly progress, they'd stop the conversation right there because they know you are in a better state of mind and place. They cannot accept it because they are not there. They usually never are. 

Every single thing you do is always negative to them. You cannot let their problems bother you. Instead, you should make them realise that their problem is an actual problem and that they need to get their shit together and make a move on their lives.

So yeah, I have been basically ghosting people in my life and it doesn't bother me anymore. Not like it used to. I think it's coz I like making myself happy and elevated in spirits rather than being bothered by problems that aren't even mine to begin with. It's a really good practise ^_^

At about 11:15pm on Thursday

 I received text messages from Ayumi-Chan. She basically said that LinZy was in the High Dependency Unit at a hospital in Kota Damansara and that I should inform as many people who may know her. She said she didn't have much info on it coz Lina was the one who sent out the message.

I scrolled through my phone contacts and realised that I have LinZy's phone number. I texted her hoping that she'd reply coz knowing hospitals and procedures, she may not have been able to pick up her phone if I were to call. I was a bit worried coz I wasn't aware if she had any major health issues for as long as I've known her.

Safiyya was asking me what was going on coz I was a bit panicky. I just told her a little bit about what was happening and we said a little prayer for LinZy before bed.

The next morning, LinZy replied. She's OK but she's gonna be needing either meds or surgery or both. I just hope she's not in too much pain. I hope she gets better.

You need to get better LinZy-Chan!

In my head, we're still living like we did back in our university days.....but with kids..... I always forget that we get older and we have to start looking out for ourselves a little more coz our health and immune system isn't working like how it used to 😕

Castles glitter under Spanish skies

 But I'm just looking out for you tonight

Writing has been good therapy for me. Even though it's not lyrics or songs, I still add those elements every once in a while on random pages. I forget how nice it feels to be taken away from the reality of life. I still write depressing things but not entirely. It's nice to be different people at the same time and the experience of going in and out of each character is just something I haven't done in a long while. I didn't realize how fun it was 🙂

core memory

 A friend of mine experienced one of the worst things in her life. Yesterday, she and her family were driving and as they got to a toll booth, there was a black Vellfire in front of their car. Suddenly, out of nowhere, came an Indian guy with tattoos approaching their vehicle. She said it felt like they were about to get robbed in broad daylight. The worst part was, when the guy approached their driver's window to speak to her husband, she started freaking out. No one from the toll House came out to check if everything was OK. She said that despite whatever that guy was telling them, they drove to the police station to be safe and then further carried on their discussion there. She felt safer there because the police were armed.

I don't know what people know about this country but safety is highly questionable. It's all over the news that people get mugged in broad daylight here. I grew up in a place where so called people with money live and no one is safe. Like seriously. Houses get broken into within minutes. My grandma got mugged at noon while waiting at the traffic lights. It's almost like they just say there's a safety protocol but it's not for the civilians. We are just collateral waiting for the wrong place and time..... 

Losing track of time

 My mind is everywhere and somewhere at the same time. It's hard to explain but I think some parts of my brain had been awakened by my suppression of activities. I think that instead of going down the depression route, I made a sound decision to pull myself away from there and focused on things that could take me elsewhere regardless if it's a happy place or not.

Now, I am pumped with creative thoughts which is currently being put into words, designs and music. It's fun. Sometimes it does make me unsatisfied from not being able to express it fully but that's what drafts are for. I have room for improvement and revision.

I have always found joy in writing with pen and paper and after all these years, it still feels that way whenever I pick a pen and paper to write. It's different from making art.

Also, I found myself a good playlist of songs and music to set the tone.

I was telling Shu about the good old jamming studio days. It was not just a jamming studio. It's a place where random people from random places who come together to play music and to appreciate the music of others. It's just a feel good place and time. 

I miss that sometimes....... 

I'm not really feeling like myself today

 I just want to lie on my back and close my eyes. I'm so bored but my back is killing me. It's not the workout. I think my stress level has something to do with my period cycle skipping an entire month. I have been in so much pain in the last couple of days. At least I'm not pregnant :)

I think the weather is also affecting my mood..... Somewhat........ It's been gloomy. I like gloomy considering how hot it's been.

We went to the beach yesterday. The waves were quite strong. I wonder if the weather has changed drastically in the past year or so. Predictions had been off. I think I need a break from the routine.

Or..... Maybe I'm just sleepy......and possibly hungry coz I sometimes forget to eat. Sometimes, I pass the 12 hours mark on my daily intermittent fasting routine. I sometimes fast up to 15 hours coz I just want to sleep in. It's probably not the best thing to do but food isn't something I prioritise for myself. It never was.

I need to sleep -_-

Distracted by Jellyfish

 So..... I went sailing again..... Finally. After months. I don't know if I kept making up excuses or coach really was busy with races on the west coast. Either ways, I'm glad I'm sailing again.

I have my own sailboat now so that means I'm not going to wait around for available hulls when all of the sailors return for a full day of training. Also, I have a brand new sail. Didn't realise it didn't come with battens so I had to borrow. Erm, I borrowed the rudder and dagger board too coz..... I wasn't sure which ones were supposed to be mine.

The 2 sailors who helped me set up (Nik and Daniel) got rigging and I think the ones left on my boat wasn't complete. Nik switched out the traveler block coz said the ones I had on wasn't functioning. I didn't have the dagger board tied up to the bow coz there weren't any bungee ropes left. The kids did what they could which was more than helpful. Coach Tengku is in charge of the inventory so he would have known which ones were which but he was already out at sea on the coach boat monitoring the Optimist sailors.

I didn't realise that they had a race going on that day. What's even funnier was that I tagged along coz they didn't have all the ILCA sailors back from Langkawi yet. As usual, I didn't make the marks. I was trying to get used to sailing in the ocean and I was trying to get used to the boat. I also just realised that I didn't have any telltales on so I had to learn to sail without them. Coach Salahuddin was helpful with prompting me what to do.

I wish I wasn't too distracted by the jellyfish in the water. There were so many. I kept telling myself I didn't want to fall into the water and get stung. Yeah, I was distracted. It also didn't help that I got the main sheet stuck in between the rudder and the hull.  I'm a moving catastrophe. I'm always terrified of running into the other boats who were racing or training.

Coach says I should race. The other coaches talked me into it too. I did try. I didn't make the marks and I think I got disqualified 😅

I need to sail more often......