So I decided to do this.............

 On the 7th, I decided to join a virtual run......only because I thought the medal was AWESOME looking! 

Yes......it's a 75 km run............I was trying to be realistic about it so I set myself to complete this run in 42 days.........I haven't run since........since.........before I got pregnant with Yusuf.......he's 8 this year.........

This postcard was sent out when I hit the first checkpoint. It's pretty cool and I really like it ^_^

Anyways,this is my progress so far........I had about 1% more to go to hit that 40% Plant-A-Tree mark but I couldn't do it. Oh yes, since it's quite dangerous to go out and about and that I am terrified of leaving the house, I can do other things like HIIT Workouts or walks or whatever and convert the timing using a chart they provided..........

I haven't taken a break since I started this and the number of days I have vs the amount of kilometers I have left is always going to bug me. Shu said that this is good motivation for me since I usually workout to maintain a certain weight, now I have an actual goal set for myself. 75 km is hard work. At least for me it is..........

How I Got Here.......

 I am blessed with unconditional support from Shu no matter how crazy my ideas sound sometimes. He always proves my family wrong when it comes to things they don't think I am capable of doing myself. I guess it's coz he's got great supportive parents whose always praying for us not matter what we have planned.

I always feel like you can do whatever you want just as long as you know the way or even if you don't know the way, there is always ways to learn. We learn new things everyday. We also relearn things that we have long forgotten. I've come to a point in life whereby I have accepted the fact that I cannot change people and their ways of thinking but I can change the way I see them instead and that changes how I would react to whatever they say.

I always tell myself (and Shu) about how I need to stay focused and on-track so that I wouldn't get caught up in the small stuff. There are a lot of things out there that annoy me or just things that I wish I could change for the better but in reality, I can't do much about it. So, I change the things that I can which makes a difference to me instead.

I'm not like super crazy happy and bubbly like it's all butterflies and rainbows everyday but I've learned that I have to give credit to myself more. I may not be able to do a lot of things but there things that I can do which most other people can't do. I count my blessings everyday and it makes me happy to know that whatever I have makes me happy.

People (family) will talk. They will always say things like you need a bigger house or you need to get a job or your kids need to learn this and that........believe me, try walking in my shoes and you'll know why I sometimes just shut myself off from the world. I like to see my kids happy doing whatever it is they like to do. I like watching Shu conquering one mountain after another from learning things that he likes and I let him do what he wants to do coz it makes him happy.

I am opened to accepting people for what they like and not judge them coz you do you!

the curious case of the pink vibrator

 Strange things happened in such a short period of time but yet, they entertain me ever so...........

For example......the title itself........I'd rather not talk about it........

On Friday night as I was forcing myself to get some sleep to get us ready for the event on Saturday, a friend of mine texted me multiple text messages. Hearing so many chimes from my cellphone charging on the chest of drawers, I got up and looked to see if it was any form of emergency. 

She wrote "I am sorry to hear about your mother......"

My reply was "What happened to my mum?"

It turned out that someone in Taman Tun who also went by the same name as my mother who also happened to live on the same road as my mother was reported to have been diagnosed with Covid.

I called my mom and my dad picked up. It was around 11:30pm at the time. My dad asked what was up because my mom was praying. I asked him if she was alright and told me what my friend told me. He laughed and said "Oh yeah.....about that. She's been getting calls all day about it......she's fine......."

So I cleared it up for my friend whom apparently got the information from her aunt who lives in Taman Tun.

On Saturday morning, we had to get up early because we were scheduled for the second dose of vaccination. Prior to that, we told Yusuf to pray that Shu and I make it through safely. It's actually a prayer I say everytime I have to leave the kids. He got sensitive and worried so he prayed and prayed for us.

The vaccination went on very quickly. Our appointment was at 10:30am but we decided to head in at about 10:15am-ish. There was a quick briefing and then we queued for our turn. The guy at the first counter asked if I got myself tested in the last 24 hours. I did. Apparently, he said that I should have done the swab test instead of the spit test because it is more accurate. That wasn't good information to find out right before getting the shot. It was a negative anyways but I took the chance to get the shot done and over with because I refuse to have to schedule for another appointment.

Due to some clothing complication with one of the ladies before Shu, I was asked to get my shot first. We were done by 10:27am. Shu had the time to video call Ali Imran's teachers for his year-end school review before getting our numbers called to complete the waiting period and sign off as completed.

We received our completed digital certificates at 10:32am. We headed out and got some coffee and food before driving home.

We got home.Took our clothes off and washed them and showered before heading over to Shu's sister's house to get the kids. We are currently trying to ground ourselves indoors for the next 14 days. 

I did not get a fever. I was tired yesterday so I slept early but I got up this morning and felt fine so I decided to workout because I've skipped 2 days. It wasn't super important but I had energy from all the food I have been consuming the day before since I got super hungry and decided to ditch my diet. I didn't do a full on high intensity workout routine (although all my routines are high intensity). I did the routine with minimal intensity just to get back on track.

So far, I am ok. Shu is ok too.  

Sing the last thing on your mind

 The last word on your breath

I'll be the one to keep you, keep you at your best
The last thing on your mind
'Cause I don't need your mess
I'll be the one to keep you one disaster less

I'll be ok..........

It's been a hot minute since I last felt anything............well, let's start with my weird-ass dreams. I've been having sleepless nights......again.........It's probably anxiety.........I'm not gonna lie, I am terrified of having the whole country open up again coz I am terrified of people as it is......It's gonna be weird but not really coz we're never usually home anyways and when we are away, there are usually people........

I have good news too in the last couple of days which I am excited about hopefully,if everything turns out as planned.

Oh yeah, my weird dreams...........Usually, dreams that stresses me out are the kind of dreams when I have to drive. The other night, I dreamt that my teeth fell out. Then the other night, I dream about some terrifying scream from a dead girl who has her throat slit opened and she's dead in her kebaya with batik sarong but she is screaming.........Last night, I had the least weird dream coz I dreamt that I met Justin Hawkins. I was ecstatic. The stress began when I decided to jam with him and we couldn't get our guitars in tune. 

So....so weird.....Gone are the days and nights when I'd dream of snakes or flight.

Was on vid call with my mum yesterday. My aunt was there and my dad and Qarim. My dad was talking about his bald head coz I told them that my hair is super long coz it's been over a year since I last had a haircut. My mum and aunt still insists that I continue lecturing...........I have dreams and Shu is helping me realise my dreams. I could do remote lectures since I doubt if I'm gonna be at "home" home.

I was asking Shu about working out after getting our second dose of vaccination. He told me about his brother's friend(s) who died. One guy probably died of Covid but he went running outside after a few days of getting his second dose of vaccination. His other friend died of Covid while her husband was recovering from the hospital (of Covid). She has a 2 year-old kid.

I am not planning to leave the house within the next 14 days after getting the second dose of vaccination. I workout at home,indoors anyways. I just want to know what to expect. If I need a longer time to recover then so be it. I am in no hurry to get back into my routines if my body isn't ready.

give me a second go

 Don't let me go alone

It's been quite a week. I am recovering from a really bad migraine. It's a long story. So many things happened so quickly. I don't know where to begin..........

I feel like time has been slipping away from me and the next thing I know it's the weekend again. My eating disorder is getting out of hand coz I think that's how I got sick last year 😕 Actually, it's not an eating disorder.......at least I don't think it is........I just have problems feeding myself the right amount of food my body needs. I think it's more of a mental disorder that I am aware of but I sometimes lose control of it.........yeah.......that's it........

I think us celebrating Eid at Shu's sister's house on Tuesday was actually the second I left the house since I went to get vaccination which was on the 10th. It's weird coz I am kinda stuck in between doing a few things all at once and I am not actually getting anywhere.

Shu and I did a second take on the vocals recording the other night. It's actually harder than it seems,trying to get my vocals on the same pitch on the 2 verses and the 2 choruses which has 2 different ways of singing. My writing is at a standstill coz I can't get my words out right.

My head is everywhere and somewhere at the same time. It's hard to explain.

It took me 2 days to get over what Cassius Rex did. No, I am not going to explain who he is nor will I explain what he did. He just pissed me off and I wasn't ok with it.

It's been a long while since I last jammed on the acoustic guitar and the last couple of days had been hurting my fingers like crazy. I miss it though........jamming.......singing..........not caring or thinking about what comes next...........

I dangle up on rooftops

Before I push you off...........

Was on the phone with my mom a couple of nights ago. She's been getting worried about things in Taman Tun because it seems like more and more people have died from Covid. Taman Tun is a small town. You really know just about anyone there. I also think everyday people die and people die from the pandemic. It's just alarming when things like this happen to the people around you even though you don't know them personally.

I keep telling her to not lose her shit now. Kak Yah has been telling her to keep it together too coz it's one thing if you are down in sickness but losing your motivation and muchness is not going to help in the slightest bit. Also, I keep saying it again and again. If you don't have any business being out and about, you probably should just stay indoors. If you do happen to be out and about amongst other human beings, it's probably a good idea to get rid of your clothes that you wore out and stuff em all into the washer and take a thorough shower before interacting with other people at home.

Why is it that people always feel the need to be outside? Even during a lockdown they feel the need to be out and about doing something absolutely petty like buying kuih. WHY? And seriously, if you have kids, the playground isn't as important as their health and safety. Just stay in.

Eid Adha is coming up. Last year, we drove back to Terengganu coz Shu's parents didn't have anyone to help them with the meat cutting and distribution process. I like going back to Shu's home. It's always so much fun. We haven't been back ever since. There's been lockdowns after lockdowns and Shu's parents are here in their Selangor home anyways. I just miss the drive and scenic views. And sunlight..........

I also am in need to get a haircut. I last cut my hair last year.........in June. Yeah, it's been over a year......I am not one to always spend so much time at the hair salon but I do it yearly coz I hate being idle and away from the kids and Shu. I can't have too complicated of a hairstyle either coz I spend a lot of time working out and doing things like swimming or soaking up the sun and salt water by the beach. I've been giving the kids haircuts anyways. My boys are growing out their hair. Safiyya needs a haircut every once in a while coz her hair gets super long and in the way. Shu has been wanting a haircut but I have been trying to convince him to grow out his hair. He has nice wavy hair. I like it ^_^

Good heavens!

 I look rather ghastly! - my thought almost every morning when I get up late and look into the vanity mirror across my bed. I need sunlight......

Anywho, Shu and I were informed that we would receive our vaccine on the same day and time

Shu's sister offered to have the kids over at her house while we were gone. We got up early...... Well, I didn't really sleep much. We got there super early. Ended up waiting in the car coz they let people in in stages. 

Once we got in, the process was rather quick. I was happy to see a lot of adults taking their parents and getting their shots as well. 

Shu was ahead of me. Funny how years ago before we married, I was teaching some nursing students here. The place have come a long way since I was here last. 

So far, I haven't felt anything strange or different about myself. In fact, I have started my workout routine again today. 

¿Qué pasa?

 Honestly, I'm not sure. I tend to freak out. Shu's doctor friends whom are on the Covid Task Force Team in KL sent a very terrifying video about the actual situation in the Klang Valley. 

It's like what you see when random videos are passed around. The store room becomes the morgue and just outside the door is the waiting area where people are waiting to get treated and there are patients being treated in the same area because the rooms are full.

They said that it's becoming a disaster zone. This problem is very real and as much as I wish I could be confident enough that we can push ourselves to survive, we also need to be vigilant around the people we care about. We need to keep our motivation up.

I've been avoiding from having to go to places like the clinic because I don't want to risk catching anything. I don't think I can go through being separated from the kids and Shu.

This is not the time to be selfish or stupid or both. 

I'm looking rather pale these days.........

 I need some sunshine on my skin. I need some warmth. I've recently developed some form of allergy of somesort. My skin itches and I have little bumps everywhere but due to my "no scratching" nature, I haven't had scars on me nor do I make things worse. They're just itchy.

Been spending the last couple of days on this event

It's so amazing! It started with this video 

https://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/aYomzmv_460svav1.mp4

Now, all I ever listen to is this

And this

I also have spent so much time.......well,too much time on new theories about the Egyptian mythology and Ancient Egyptian Gods.......but,that's not for here and now............Shu said I should write a thesis about it.........Maybe I will..........

mi guitarra

 

Pretty sure I was 14..........or 18...........

I was in secondary school at this time.........and that's my dad's hand adjusting the mic.......

Jamming at home in my own world..........Yup,secondary school........who took this picture anyways?!

UIA. Definitely!

RadioEdit days.........

Got out of the shower the other day

 And I found this on the bed......

Turns out, it was a delayed anniversary gift from Shu. He ordered it but Gucci couldn't ship it out any earlier coz of the MCO. It's so bright and floral at the same time. I love it ❤️

Safiyya is going through a Dora phase. I made her the Map from an empty kitchen roll the other day. 

And then, me and my scrolling, window shopping mode discovered Dora's Backpack! 

We've been doing a lot of art too...... 

And Safiyya decided to make a totem pole. Today, her surprise gift arrived for sleeping in her own room and going to potty on her own..... She's all grown up...... I'm gonna miss her 😭

Kate is supposed to be mine but I let her play with it. She's finally getting the hang of dress changing when it comes to dolls now 😊

the test result was a negative

 I'm not pregnant! 

YEY!

I think the stress is slowly creeping up on me. Things are gonna change real quick real fast...........I am slightly worried if I cannot cope. Nah.....I got this!

I was sitting out with Ali Imran during his science class today coz they had to talk about materials. His teachers are so committed but he's just not very expressive so he looked bored and I had to tell him to speak up a little and show what he was doing. I think I'm gonna have to do this more coz I don't know if he's actually present during class hours.

I was also monitoring Safiyya tracing lines to help practise writing letters. 

Holy smokes,she was asking me about Medusa today so I showed her some pictures of Medusa and gave her a little background information about the Greek mythological creature. I personally like Medusa but some photos online spooked Safiyya out a little.

Then, for some reason we kinda moved on to Googly Eyed Octopus.....

After that, we were looking at Dumbo Octopuses........

And after that, the Vampire Squid.......

I think I should go to sleep.........but OMNIA is on and I really like this song.........

she's so pretty and she's so sure

It's alright and it's nice not to be so alone.......

 It's been quite a weekend. We discovered last week that in order to get banking done these days, you gotta make an appointment using what ever numbering system the banks use. So, what could have been done on Friday last week had to be done this morning. I was lucky that the lady upfront at the customer service department and the security guard were both so very helpful. A little downside to the bank that I was at is that because it is a small local branch, there were no waiting room inside and therefore I had to wait outside. It was 9am so the sun was really hot. The damn thermometer in the bank went off coz I was hot........HAHAHA! 

Geddit! HAWT!

Anywho, because we were early, Shu parked the car right up front so I went in the car to cool down and tried the thermometer again. This is a problem if you're outside in the hot sun and suddenly inside where it is air-conditioned. Well, at least I got done what I needed to get done. The people at the bank are so helpful. Actually, a lot of people have been very helpful. I'm a noob who hasn't stepped foot outside in a while.........I'd still order coffee from a cafe and have it to-go -_-

This one time, I did that coz it's automatic and the lady at the counter told me that dining-in is not allowed so it has to be a takeout :)

I used to hate that stupid thermometer where you'd have to get real close to get your temperature taken coz I didn't want to get too close to it that I could touch it...........

June is coming to an end and I am running out of time. We are running out of time. I need to get a lot done before the month is over. 

Shu's birthday is coming up. Also, our season pass is expiring soon.........

I am so nervous.........

Shu's sister finally gave birth to her twins today

 It was a planned cesarean so it was quick. Her babies are big and healthy 😊

Safiyya built a fort from the sofa today and she's been in it all day. Shu had to migrate her fort to her room coz we're all going to bed.

I think I am coming down with something. I think it was too cold last night. It's been raining late in the afternoons.

If things go according to plan, major changes are bound to happen in the next few months. I can't speak of it just yet but it makes me feel both nervous and excited at the same time.

I've been doing a lot trial-and-error with the drill set I got a few months ago. We have a lot of shells and Safiyya wants me to make her jewelries and I'm trying to make her a wind chime. I've broken a few shells and ruined a couple of drill bits along the way.

Things would be so much easier if I could stop hurting myself! I burnt my finger(s) the other day. Prior to that, I cut myself from using the serrated knife 😑 

Today is one of those days

 When you've done your workout and feel like you died and you just know that you are going to be in so much pain in the morning 😁

If my grandma was still alive, we'd be celebrating her birthday today........ 

Just like the seed , I'm chasing the wonder

 Shu and I were having coffee after lunch today and had a talk about the things that annoy him about people in general. He said that lately, he seems to be surrounded by people who complain and whine a lot. When they were working and busy and had a hectic schedule, they were complaining and whining and now that everyone's got more free time, instead of looking for a hobby or just finding useful things to do, they have more time to complain and whine.

I think they just need an outlet. It's like blogging. It's an outlet and a place for me to let out emotions in the form of words. I don't mean to harm anyone in any way and I feel like they feel the same when they complain or whine...........or rant.........

Shu's just annoyed coz he too had plans that didn't turn out the way he wanted them to but he just kept it to himself. I'd usually talk to him or write or blog about things that bothers me. I think they need an outlet. Getting a hobby is a really good start. But again, I like to write out wherever and whenever and it's therapeutic. I highly recommend it ^_^ 

I've also noticed how people have a lot to say about a lot of things but most of the time, it's just comments and nothing more. The slight problem is that they like to say it out loud as if it makes a difference at all. Again, I cannot stress this enough already. DO something PRODUCTIVE even if it is a comment or a remark or a personal opinion. Be progressive and productive. Also, dream a little. It really helps to just plan out a huge dream that seems impossible to do but until you try to do something about it, it's not gonna get you anywhere.

Things change and plans sometimes doesn't work out the way you want them to but I am pretty sure you have other plans too. Have multiple plans! Shu and I are both dreamers and we spend a lot of time talking to each other about what we'd like to achieve someday and we are opened to suggestions from each other regardless if it sounds impossible. 

Today was our 11th year anniversary of being married

 Shu got us food from Shangri-la KL and desserts and coffee from The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. We got dressed and even Safiyya had her makeup done 😊

It's been 11 years! And we've known each other for almost 20 years! Crazy how time flies. We have new adventures set up for us and there will be new challenges. The kids are old enough for new challenges. I think they can handle it 😉

I know that Michelle Branch's All You Wanted had always been our song but this song had always reflected how I feel about you ❤️ I love you, Foxburr-San! 

Can you say DELICIOSO?

 Who's that super cool exploradora?

Qarim got married on Monday afternoon. He got a call from the authorities to get it done before the lockdown coz who knows when they'd be able to get married after this. He and Izreen agreed to get it done and now they are married. It's actually not a complicated thing to get done but people like to complicate things. Shu and I told my mom so many times over that if you don't spend so much on the wedding, they can save all that money to start their life together.

Once again, I have managed to keep myself awake at night by thinking and overthinking unnecessary things like Rosie the Shark. Why? I don't know. It started with curiosity, I guess.

Anywho, Shu said that my workout posture is getting better these days. I really was working on my core strength all this while. I wanted to stay toned and maintained a certain body weight. I'm happy where I am today. I think I managed to lose about 5kg since March 2020. 

I have new projects to work on during this lockdown so I hope I am occupied enough. Shu and I have been jamming to the Power Rangers theme song. I'm gonna just say this though..........I don't know how Hetfield plays the riffs and sings without losing the tempo. Shu's guitar solos have improved so much over a period of just months. He plays Justin Hawkins' solos for God's sake! I'll upload it onto my IG jamming page once we are confident enough to record it ^_^ 

The studio is a mess. It usually reflects the state of my mind but I just can't seem to be bothered enough to get it cleaned up. I really need to rearrange this space badly!

Woke up today and Shu told me my friend's mom passed away

 She was battling Covid in Serdang hospital. Her dad recovered though. I asked her about the burial procedures and she said it was done accordingly. The saddest part is that my friend lives in the south and her parents and family are here in KL. She said she's OK. I hope she is. I hope her family is OK too. 

Hello there and welcome to the 2nd year of the 2-week lockdown!

 I hope this means that they have an actual plan to slowing down people movements and boosting up the vaccine distribution. I'm gonna keep my cup half full. I believe in wisdom behind things happening. I lost my muchness yesterday but even though I haven't pulled myself back up entirely, I am feeling more like myself today 😊

Anywho, Shu and I were talking about stuff today. I have come to a point of acceptance whereby I truly think that if I were to die, no one in my family would give a shit or know that I died until...... Whenever........

I'm not mad or whatever. I just think that it's always been this way and they really couldn't care for things other than themselves. I also think that they lack gratitude.

I also think that they hate the fact that despite me putting up a facade of being the dumb blonde in the family, I make sense when shit happens and they can't accept the cold hard truth.

I hope my brother gets married on Monday and I hope he's happy. After all, that's what really matters ☺️

Boating

 When I say I like to pile things up onto my plate, I really do mean it. In a matter of about an hour, I have learned more things that would keep me up and busy in the next couple of days....... I hope.......

Once things are actually moving, I'll update it somewhere. For now, I am super psyched because I am actually learning something new 😊

This MCO is boring the living crap out of me, I'm not gonna lie. I've started working out again after about a month of break. I was in pain in the last couple of days but my body is used to it now. I injured my left shoulder slightly from a side plank but other than that, I'm good.

Shu has been talking to me about our finances because I think it's important that I know what's going on. He used to think it would worry me unnecessarily but I know that one of these days, I'm gonna have to know things myself.

I haven't left the house in a couple of days already. I've been trying to convince my plants that if they don't buck up, I'm moving them back into the pot of soil.

Safiyya came home from playing outside today and told me that she wants a bird........ Like a pet bird....... 😑 I'm not keen on the idea of keeping a bird locked up in a cage. She's gonna have to just befriend one outside from the wild.

Ali Imran is obsessed with Witherzillas and Witherstorms....... I don't know what he's talking about and it worries me.

Yusuf had been talking to the phone while playing Roblox with his cousins. Again, everytime he shows me something, I honestly have no clue what I'm looking at.

Yey, FidZy!

Today, I realized that Ali Imran and Yusuf are in 2 different schools in 2 different districts. So, the public holiday today only applies to Yusuf's school and not Ali Imran's. He missed his class anyways......

Yey, FidZy!

I hope Safiyya won't fall off her bed tonight.......

😕

How's it going?

 It's been a hell of a year........ I finally finished reading the Quran........on my own.........I know, I know........some people get it done within a month. Well, I am not eloquent enough to be reading with a group. I might slow people down. However, I am not like إقرا level either. Also, I read the الكهف every Friday. It's ike 12 pages long and I never get it done in one seating..........

Anywho, apart from me trying to not scream out loud to MKN to just STFU about telling us how to live our lives, I just wish they'd just do their job and actually get things done............

We had to cancel 3 of our holiday trips and it's coming up to June. Dude, I am and have been staying at home. What are these people doing anyways?

I swear there was a point to this entry........

Oh yeah!

My mom got vaccinated some weeks ago. Shu and I are waiting for our turns.........

In 2020, I learned how to build a house and waterproof bathroom tiles. I also learned a lot about woodworking.

In 2021, I learned to make coffee at home.....barista style. Shu got me the grinder and a manual coffee machine and all........Recently, I have been learning how to sail a boat. Boating 101,basically. I am just gonna keep myself occupied and try focusing on something just to get by until.......well, until things get by...........

We are in the planning stages of building a house. One, from scratch and the other is just a matter of interior decorating and fixtures,I hope.

Seriously, by 2022, if shit doesn't get better,I'mma learn how make a damn rocket and fly myself away from this planet yo!

October 23rd 2018

 Sometimes, I want to say things not because I want a reaction but just because I cannot contain it. Most of the time, I am unprepared or simply not anticipating a reaction at all but I get it anyways because I decided to say something.

October 18th 2018

 This world lacks romance. I hate this world. I cannot live here. 

My dad turned 62 the other day

 

This is him cutting the cake we sent him with Hamza and Suhaila coz the damn MCO does not enable us to cross district borders. We video called him and my mum though.

I'm not sure if I understand just WTF is going on right now. We have somewhat of a lockdown but not really. Case numbers are...... Well, just numbers at this point in time. I don't know if it makes any difference at all, really. Schools are closed but malls are opened.

Oh! We discovered a new variant of covidiots! They wear masks and gloves while going around public places. They touch pretty much everything and with the same glove they've been touching things with, they also touch their faces.

So yeah...... Case numbers....... What's that? 

Yesterday was Eid

 With all that's happening, people are having a hard time celebrating. But I still see and hear a lot of fireworks everywhere around us. That's a good sign. A lot of people get emotional on this day for some strange reason.

Last night, my mum forwarded a text message to me which she received from Tasha. Well, Tasha had always been considered as part of our family since she came to our house when she was 9 years old.

She's an only child. Both her parents were always busy with work. They used to take her to the mosque. That was where she met my grandmother. Then, my grandmother introduced her to us and she started hanging out with us.

I babysat her all the time growing up. We got along. She even followed us to UK this one time. It's funny coz her parents just let her go with us.

Anywho, she was telling my mum about how thankful she was to have ever met us and that we let her be part of our family. I still think of her as a sister. Shu used to fight with her and my sister when they were kids. It's so funny every time I remember those days.

I hope everyone is doing well these days. Selamat Hari Raya to everyone ❤️

metronome

 There is something magical about the Hummingbird. Everytime I pick it up, it makes such magical sounds and I'd record awesome samples. The playbacks on my phone is surreal.

Things are brewing and everyone is losing their minds.........on different levels. I keep telling myself that this is the first time this generation is dealing with a pan-ass-demic. From vaccine disputes to death rates and now we have numbers. They seem meaningless because people need to survive. We are running on backup plans after backup plans. It's getting quite exhausting at some point.

We need solutions. Suggestions have been put forth but we need something done.

The only way I am staying sane in the midst of all this chaos is to focus on what is truly important to me which is Shu and my kids. If I ever lose myself in the crazy world of never ending pain, I'd break. I do my part to help however I can but I can only do so much because I am limited to my capabilities and resources.

The new routines I have developed over the course of about a year has done wonders for me. We cannot lose our muchness for if we do, we might lose ourselves completely.

Sometimes, it seems like I pull myself away from this world which seems selfish but this world has done nothing to help me in times of need. I owe nothing.

Ali Imran turned 6

 Last week, it was Ali Imran's birthday. We planned a birthday celebration for him. Coincidentally, his cousins came over so we had an actual party.

It wasn't as elaborated as we hoped but he was happy. He didn't even eat the ice-cream cake even though it was oreo flavoured coz he doesn't like ice cream 😑

On Friday in the same week was his cousin's birthday so we went over to their house. We'll, the kids did. We came by later. I think they are getting bored. 

Sad nipples and nasi lemak 50 sen

 Went to visit my parents yesterday. Sent Wani's birthday present and stuff. We went for a short while coz we had to get home in time to cook. Managed to see Mama and Kak Yah.

Of all things my dad could possibly do was to give Yusuf a crash course on guns -_- Ali Imran was not so interested in it coz he kept saying he wanted a long gun and not a short gun........ He thought my dad said shirt gun but it was shotgun.......

Anywho, Safiyya was happily eating and playing with cats. My dad also took out his hunting bow and asked Yusuf to hold it and have a go. He wanted to give Yusuf an arrow. I was like "No!"

Anywho, my aunt and my mum spent a good 5 minutes outside the front door just criticising on how I am too skinny and flat-chested as we were leaving. Apart from losing weight, I think I had always been flat-chested 🤔

Safiyya's birthday party

 Safiyya turned 4 on Saturday and we decided to have a birthday party for her. Shu wanted her to have her own birthday party instead of sharing it with Ali Imran (his birthday is on the 27th).

Shu spoke to her on Friday and discovered that she wanted a unicorn themed birthday cake. Shu found a cake company who took last minute orders and they delivered the cake on Saturday at noon. 

Shu ordered this Chang'e doll for her off of Amazon last year in November and it was only available in December and we received it some weeks ago. She loved it ❤️

I was dressed as Pocahontas because Safiyya and I were supposed to be Disney Princesses. 

Cake Rush delivered the cake and it's delish 😋

The sun has fallen

 Another day gone without you

My heart keeps calling 

And I don't know just what to do

I was looking for a tailor to alter my clothes coz it seems that I not only bought all my ready-made clothes in the wrong sizes but they are way too big on me. I know that I have shrunk over the years but the clothes looked ridiculously huge on me. Anyways, I found one yesterday and she was like "WHY ARE ALL YOUR CLOTHES THIS BIG???!!!" Why,this is the reason I am having them altered...........

She's a really nice lady. I like her already!

I'm not much of a formal clothes shopper and for the past many years, I've been wearing the black kebaya I've had since.......since.......I was still in school. The tailor who made the kebaya did an awesome that I still wear it till today. It's black. Indonesian batik. I love it! Shu and I are always wearing black and we got the kids black clothes for raya some years ago. My mum hates the color black for hari raya. She never let me get any clothes in black when I was a kid.

Anywho, Shu and I were in the kitchen cooking together the other day. We started talking about movies. Then for some reason, the movie American Beauty came up. Bla bla bla........and then there were pedophelia........I seem to cannot forgive and let go of some things in my life.

I've come to realize that the reason I despise living sometimes is because a lot of things happened when I was between the ages 14 and 15. Shu said those are crucial times and I feel like as much as I say I have moved on, I can't help but think that there were some form of abandonment that took place. I keep wondering and asking why the people who were supposed to protect me didn't do it and instead allowed the predators into my life willingly and openly. What ever I said at the time felt like just me complaining and that I should just move on. Well, I did. And I didn't kill myself.

I spent most of my school years not wanting to get up in the morning and just wanting to die. 

I am far from where I was in school now. It's a fight and still is sometimes but I have people who love me with me. 

Hello Mr. "Perfectly fine"

 How's your heart after breaking mine?

I was on the couch listening to Taylor Swift's new lyric video Mr. Perfectly Fine while Shu and Safiyya were just hanging out on the other side of the couch. Suddenly, Shu said he kinda like the song. I was like "Oh!" He sometimes likes Taylor Swift songs that I listen to or play on the guitar from time to time like Sparks Fly or Cornelia Street.

I know that he really likes this song

But the very next day, Shu came back from work and picked up the guitar and started playing Mr Perfectly Fine. I was shocked coz I didn't know he really liked the song that much. 

The other Taylor Swift he really likes is No Body No Crime.

I started listening to Taylor Swift even before we got married. I was into the album Fearless. And then, my all time favourite was the album Speak Now. I was listening to Red a little here and there. Then her other albums like 1989 and Reputation and Lover along the way not in the order they were released coz I wasn't into her singles from those albums at the time.

But then, I realized that I know a lot of songs from her 1989 album. So weird.

WHAT DO THESE PEOPLE WANT FROM ME?!!!!!!

 My public IG account was getting hacked yesterday. This isn't the first time this is happening. Back in 2014, my FB account got hacked. I received an email about logging in from the US. It turns out, I was somewhere in Portland. Funny. Considering the fact that my school stated SMKTTDI but in Portland.

UGH! CHEE WAGGA CHOO CHOO!

I had a funny question for Shu a couple of days ago. I was wondering what the police officers in this country would say to you if you ever got pulled over. I am pretty sure they won't say things like "Ma'am, license and registrations please" I have never spoken to police officers............I think I did it once coz I was making a police report about something but I can hardly remember what that was like.

Anywho, I was telling Shu about an epiphany I had while showering the other day. I had AURORA playing on my phone. I always do. Everytime I take a shower, I'd light the candle and have my AURORA playlist on my phone playing. I've always wondered why whenever I feel calm or in a neutral state of mind, I'm listening to AURORA. It's melancholy. My natural state of mind is melancholy. That is why I write better when I am in this state as opposed to when I am on either extreme ends of emotions such as ecstatic or just depressed. Well, depression is an emotion I am too well versed with that I can write anything when I am depressed.

Anyways, I am not sad. I just feel comfortable in this state. Which results to making me happy ^_^

People who think they know me often times tell me that they doubt if I can survive outside of the city life I grew up in. Well, these people don't know me clearly. I don't belong anywhere. All my life, I can never find a place that makes me feel well fitted in. As long as I know the kids are safe, I can be at peace. I don't need to leave the house. I don't need to be around people or be in public places like shopping malls to be happy. Being treated like an outsider had always been my life. I kinda like it. I don't feel too much attachment towards any place I am at. 

Having said that, I often times have somewhat of a cultural mix confusion. I guess it's not that big of a deal considering how I have most of the cultural traditional clothes to be worn for certain occasions. 

Yusuf was asking me a lot about daycare

 Not that we were gonna send him to one. He was referring to a game he was playing. He asked me why kids hate going to daycare. The first thing to do was to make sure he understood what daycare was. Then, he asked why kids were sent to daycare because he used to have friends when he was in preschool who would have to stay back up till 4pm while the rest of the kids left at noon. It's hard explaining something like this to him considering he's never been left anywhere because Shu and I had to work.

I also had to make it clear to him that it's not their parents fault for having to leave them while they were at work because it would have been the safer thing to do than to leave the kids at home unattended. Being parents, we really shouldn't judge other parents for the decisions they make. We all make choices according to what our situations are and we are never on the same boat. I don't think it's right for me to pass remarks about working parents and I certainly do not expect them to understand my daily struggles as a stay-at-home mom and wife.

We make sacrifices.

Anywho, that little discussion/explanation I provided him made him realize that I quit my job to take care of him when our maid ran away when he was a year old. Also, he had seen his friends whom had to take more than just school books to school every morning because they had to stay behind until late afternoon. I haven't had a good night sleep for about 6 years now only because I would wake up at the sound of a crying baby or child. Shu would wake up early to get things done just so that I can get some sleep and I would pick things up where he left off after leaving for work in the day.

It gets easier once you get the hang of it. Kids get older and more independent as the years go by. We have more time for ourselves now than before but it's a journey. I totally admire parents who work and are able to take care of their kids at the same time 🤟

I fall asleep in my own tears, I cry for the world, For everyone

 Last week, I bit the bullet and went to see a doctor for some antibiotics. The doctor was acting weird coz she was terrified if I the Covid-19 but I didn't know and I was like "Well,that's why I'm here now........" I was coughing and the sniffles was a result of me coughing so bad. I've checked all the symptoms and I was more than fine. She gave me the meds and had this hopeful look that she wasn't going to get some follow up report about me and the damn Covid-19.

 I am getting better and I haven't been out nor was I ever out and about prior to getting sick. My immune system is the worst coz I never leave my home. The most I'd do is go down the elevator to the carpark and into the car. I never leave the car. I have my mask on everytime I am outside.

I had my mask on when Aina came over with Zairy. I had my mask on when my sister came over to deliver the bookshelf I had Simon built for us. I'd have my mask on even on days when I am not sick and playing kick ball in the playground area within my house compound.

Anywho, Simon and Wani came over with the kids. They delivered the bookshelf and had some business discussion with Shu. Had lunch and coffee and all. I played with the kids. They are so funny.

Yesterday, we went to Aina's new house. She just got the keys a couple of weeks ago and Zairy had been going back and forth from Terengganu getting all the lights and fans fixed and checking all the defects. That's why his guitar and amplifier is at our house. Shu was helping him fix his Gibson and in return, he left his Boss Katana amp for us to jam with. He also left his 10 year old guitar from under his bed which had not been touched for.......well,about 10 years. We changed the pickup which was fun coz I love using the soldering machine ^_^

Safiyya's been hanging out with us everytime we jam in the studio and she really wants a guitar. Shu had been teaching the boys how to play the acoustic guitar but it's a bit too big for them so Shu's looking into getting them a kid size guitar for them to practise on. We've been looking into getting an electronic drum set coz I think I'm gonna start playing the drums again after so long.

I was never a drummer in any of the bands I used to jam with but I do play the drums in my own time.

This cough is annoying coz I can't sing.......I hate listening to AURORA and not be able to sing along 😑

It was so funny when we visited Shu's parents while we were at Aina's house. His mum had been sick but she looked at me and asked why I was looking so pale.............Shu said it's coz I live like a vampire and don't ever get sunlight outside the house...........kinda true 😛

My playlist as of late had been Deep Purple, Led Zeppelin, Jimi Hendrix and KISS............on repeat.......I love it!

The highlight of my week

 Will have to be Yusuf watching Shu giving me cough mixture and laughing because I hate it so damn much. I hate the taste of it. Shu was about to leave for work today and he said before he leaves,he was gonna make sure I took my meds. I said I was gonna do it later. He said  my later could turn out to be tomorrow for all he knows so he took out the meds and gave me -_-

I really am not up to going to the clinic although I do think that some antibiotics could help me a lot. I am annoyed at the people living in the world outside. Here I am sick and quarantining myself so that I won't spread my flu to other people and there are people who still walks into shops with their masks hanging under their chins. Some don't even have masks on. I'm beginning to think I am wasting my time teaching my kids and spending so much on masks.

The school holidays are coming up but I can't really take the kids anywhere coz their favourite place in the world is closed (Legoland Hotel). I know that the parks are opened but it's not a complete experience without the hotel and I know how much they enjoy staying there. Safiyya and Ali Imran have their birthdays coming up in April and eventhough Shu has made plans, I still have backup plans for their party in case things don't turn out the way we planned. 

They say that the vaccinations have began but you can never be too sure coz right now, we're still not allowed to cross state borders. There are plus points to it but for people like Shu and I, we're always on the move throughout the country so being stuck in KL is kinda boring. I haven't gone to the malls in such a long time coz I don't want to. I am terrified of people.

Tell me this is just my immune system updating

 I am feeling very sick. The sniffles. The burning throat. The itch.

Last week, Ali Imran got sick. He had the sniffles and then a slight fever. He hasn't been to school for almost 2 weeks now coz even though he was active, his runny nose was still there and his teachers denied him access into the school.

On Friday, Yusuf picked up something. His immune system is different because he's always had a slight case of bronchitis since he was born due to the fact that he pooped in the womb and he was born at 36 weeks. He spent 10 days in the hospital....... I hate remembering it......... Anywho, he's been coughing but the doctor didn't put him on the nebulizer coz he wasn't wheezing. He needed antibiotics.

2 days ago, I stayed up looking after Safiyya coz her body temperature increased and I had to make sure it didn't get too high or else she might get into a fit. Her immune system is strong because she's active and isn't picky when it comes to food. She recovered the next day.

This morning, I woke up feeling like my throat was on fire. I was fine earlier this morning. I felt like I was deteriorating towards the evening. Then, came the sniffles and a slight fever. I'm about to take my 3rd dose of paracetamol later........ And I'm probably gonna crash.........

Funny how I've been fighting this off for a few days now. I've been working out and trying to ignore the tiny symptoms. I can hear my mom telling me that it's gonna take about 72 hours to recover from this 😑

Most of me is frozen in time

 While the rest of me is trying to get by

I've been having issues with trying to understand why I cannot seem to fit in...........Well,I've never fit in anywhere all my life and usually it doesn't bother me but lately, it's been very strange. I seem to not be able to relate to more and more people I meet,people I see, people I know. I was talking to Shu about this some nights ago. 

It's like I'd see or read people talking or complaining about the simplest things like traffic jams and I am like "why"? Shu thinks that maybe it's coz I don't really live in this world so going out once in a while is as much as it is for me when it comes to relating or interacting with the world outside. People complain or are bitter for a variety of reasons but how they got there is the reason why they are. I am beginning to understand it.

For the longest time, I felt like usually if something is bothering my mind or clouding my thoughts, I'd write them out. It could be either in a journal entry form. It can be written out in a song or poem..........or a blog entry............but I just couldn't do it. I thought it was lack of inspiration. I thought I needed to go out. I thought I needed human interaction.

I just needed a new perspective. I don't fully have one. Not yet. But I am beginning to understand other people and the world outside which is news to me but I am slowly embracing the world for what it is. 

Shu and I live in the same house but our worlds are completely different. He has a world outside the house which he interacts with on a day-to-day basis. He has human interaction eventhough it isn't personal. On the road with other drivers. In the shops with other people. He told me I needed to start doing more human activities like driving. 

So, I drove yesterday. It was daunting at first but I got the hang of it. To think that I used to drive to class everyday from home and then to UNITEN and then back home. I have lost my muchness......... Today, I did some banking because it was one of those situations again whereby my presence was required..........I survived.........it was funny.

Hikari

 I have been listening to a whole lot of Olivia Lufkin lately. The song Rain in particular is my favourite.

Last night, as I was sorting out the kids' uniforms, a memory struck me as I was listening to this song. It's no wonder I love this song so damn much. Back in my uni days, around the time my band (RadioEdit) was starting to write our songs, I received a call from someone from a big underground band. I cannot remember the band name nor can I remember the guy's name. 

He told me he had a project in the making. It was a band with a specific theme and that the lead vocalist had to be a girl. He proposed that I would do it since I am used to singing and playing the guitar for live performances. He said he had one music track completed but it had no lyrics. He sent it over to me and I listened to it and it really reminded me of JPop/Rock which I was so into at the time.

I listened to the track over and over and scribbled out some words. Eventually, I wrote lyrics for a song I called Hikari. The song never made it out because I was too involved with RadioEdit that I couldn't commit to another band and my grades were also not so great. I think I felt like I was stretching myself out a little too thin. So I turned down the request and deleted the music so that I won't get sued for copyrights in the future.

I just cannot remember where the lyrics to the song is. I used to write out on the notepad on the computer coz I was on the computer all the time. Maybe I'll write another version of Hikari sometime in the future..........

Took the kids to Aquaria KLCC last Friday

 We were torn between going there and the Zoo. The Zoo is very near and it was a backup plan in case there were still roadblocks everywhere. Shu said it was too hot and didn't want to risk anyone getting sick..... Or getting heat stroke so we opted for the indoor outing.

The boys are obsessed with octopuses and colossal squids and shipwreck sea creatures from the midnight zone depths of the ocean. There was no way we'd ever get to sea an angler fish while living up here but they managed to see an octopus. All 3 of them were super excited.