I've been playing this non-stop

 

Legoland, 3rd time this year (updated)

 This trip was a blast. Shu had some meetings over in JB area so we headed down there early on Friday morning. The kids had no idea coz we didn't want to promise them anything in case things weren't going as planned.

The reason we decided to stay here was because we didn't have to leave the hotel area to get anything or drive anywhere for anything since everything we needed was there. The kids played around the hotel lobby area while Shu attended his meetings. 

Yusuf and I danced the zumba at the activity stage area. It was fun but we were the only hotel guests dancing. The rest were the staff dancing and cheering for the instructors on stage. 

Safiyya saw this in the hotel lobby and looked like she was reconnecting with old friends.

Food here is good and their staff provide great service. Coffee is good too ;)

I love the wallpaper!

We decided to stay in the Kingdom Suite this time around so that we could have some space.........

We were the second family in the park the next morning. There was an opening dance ceremony in the main entrance area and we totally joined in the dance. Safiyya was there for Lego Friends but unfortunately, Andrea is no longer around so there were only Stephanie, Olivia,Emma and Mia. There was a Lego Pirate and a Lego Chef and a Lego Amigo (for next year's Cinco De Mayo)

They increased the height limit for kids at the Boating School ride. I had to take Yusuf on the boat and then took Ali Imran later while Shu took Safiyya on the boat ride. The Dino area was closed. I was at the Kingdom area briefly but there wasn't much going on there. The boys went to the Lego Technic car building activity center while I walked around coz Safiyya was getting sleepy from playing at the playground.

The boys were super happy to see the Lego Ninjago puppet show again. Safiyya was a bit scared. She and I sat front row and danced to Lego Friends after the Ninjago show. We totally know all the songs and dance moves by now. The babies discovered popcorn and wanted to eat just that all day. I really like the coffee at the Legoland kiosk just outside the main entrance.

Oh yeah,took Yusuf on the Lego Technic roller-coaster ride. Twice. Safiyya drove at the Jr's Driving School for the first time. She didn't like it much but she got her driver's license. 

The kids really like the Pirate Show over at the Hotel Lobby area. We watched the show 2 nights in a row. We danced with them to songs like Baby Shark and Shakira's Waka Waka. I totally know the moves coz we played Just Dance Kids too ;)

My favourite part of every Legoland trip will always be Sealife Malaysia. I love the seahorses. They are so magical to watch. I love them so much! The kids had already memorized creatures like the Chocolate Chip Starfish and the Lion Fish and the Clown fish. They love watching the stingrays and the jellyfish.

Anywho, managed to meet up with Liyana on Sunday before heading back to KL coz Shu had one client meeting him in the area near her house. Yusuf seemed to get along with Zahra so much that he decided to be penpals with her ^_^ It was really nice hanging out at CBTL with you,girl! I haven't been out with anyone (other than dates with Shu) outside of KL since the CMCO. It's nice to actually meet someone in person and just hangout.

Anger isn't the only emotion I am capable of projecting

 I am not angry. Not anymore. I haven't been angry in quite a while. I am mostly disappointed. I was a little upset. I was hurt but I am not angry. I am disappointed at how you are still not capable of getting your shit together like a fucking functioning adult. I expected more. So much more. I was under the impression that you of all people would have a better take at things. But honestly, you are just one part of the equation.

This is an accumulation of a lot of things. I cannot quite put my finger on what exactly made me decide to do what I did. I would see it as a better reaction than to just burst out in flames. I have been putting so much time and effort over the years to being able to control my state of emotion and spiritual. I am not about to lose my shit over something so stupid and dumb like this. I am however going to continue this what seems to look like an abandonment of responsibility to some. I am putting myself first in this case. 

However, I still am trying to express my accumulated annoyance. The only problem with trying to explain things that have been long forgotten is that I would have to revisit places in my mind I no longer wish to go to. I was contemplating on going down that route but I think I have changed my mind.

I like being where I am. Happy. Content. Safe. Loved. Appreciated.

come back to me after peace restores

 Often times I find myself being too forgiving towards other people........I don't know how I come to be this way but I do know that there are people out there whom have known me since forever. They think it is OK to say anything to me. They think it is OK to say or do mean things to me and then eventually thinking, expecting me to pick myself up and be OK with everything after that. 

It's as though my feelings do not matter. I guess it doesn't. They would have otherwise thought about what they were about to say or do before actually doing it. 

I am not one to not forgive but there are times when it does upset me. Most of the time, I would cry and then slowly pick myself up. However, I don't think this privilege extends to everyone. Not anymore. Not this time. 

I am human. I have feelings. I get upset. I have every right to disconnect myself. I need peace and quiet. The longer I linger the worse it becomes and the higher chances of me not being able to forgive. I always find a way to forgive and move on but I don't usually forget. Having said that, things that really hurts me usually are more difficult to forget.

I cannot seem to understand why people in general no longer know where to draw the line about being close and being hurtful. 

Feel some hearts, I wouldn't lie
I got memories that travels my mind
Fear not, fear not
When you go, I got pieces of your hate in my soul

Told my husband I was going to put on a song about sex

 He knows me so well. He didn't even freak out coz I totally put on Gentle Earthquake by AURORA. Hahahaha!!!!!

I find myself at my most natural state of mind when I listen to AURORA. It could be just one song being over played or an entire playlist.

My current go-to is Soulless Creatures.

BTW, this monsoon season has got me on my toes. I'm outside on the balcony almost every night trying to save my plants from drowning. I can't remember the last time I watered them. 

I am in the process of propagating my monstera plant. They live indoors. In water. Their brown leaves are from when we accidentally (actually, we didn't realize it sooner) had traces of soap in the water they lived in. Those poor creatures. I hope they will strive to survive.

I am not complaining about the rain but my plants need sunshine. At least in the mornings. I hope they won't die. 

Today's date was fun

 The kids were over at Aimi's. Shu's parents and sister were there so there were a lot of people at their cousin's house. Shu told me to get ready coz we had some time to ourselves so I did.

Had brunch at Wolf and Turtle coz it's a favorite place of mine. 

Then, we went to get some decor and storage stuff for the kids. Made a "quick" stop over at Daiso coz I wanted to get them cat ears for my mum since she wants them too eversince our vid call last week. It was a Halloween thingy but she wanted one too. 

Any who, they were out of it and it's all about Christmas now so I got her some reindeer antlers instead. Also, I am not one to be given the liberty to shop especially at Daiso. We got more stuff........ It was somewhat expected.

Later we got smoothies coz I was determined to get something healthier than coffee. We also got fruits coz........ Well, it's fruits........ And we need em. 

Aimi had a barbecue over at her place so we had dinner there. The kids had way too much fun that they didn't even nap.

Safiyya really likes the lights we got her ❤️

Through The Eyes Of A Child

 World is covered by our trails

Scars we cover up with paint
Watch them preach in sour lies
I would rather see this world through the eyes of a child
Through the eyes of a child

Darker times will come and go
Times you need to see her smile
And mothers' hearts are warm and mild
I would rather feel this world through the skin of a child
Through the skin of a child

When a human strokes your skin
That is when you let them in
Let them in before they go
I would rather feel alive with a childlike soul
With a childlike soul

Hey-oh, oh, hey
Oh, ay
Ah-ah, hey
Oh, ay
Hey-oh, oh, hey
Oh, ay
Ah-ah, hey
Oh, ay

Please don't leave me here

Disappointment is

 The anti climatic ending of the Egyptian Netflix series Paranormal! GOD DAMN IT! لماذا ا؟!
It was already sad when شيراز died ....... Then they decided to add something stupid like......like .......
Nevermind.....

Anywho, Shu and I spent time talking over the last couple of nights about what we're thinking and what we're going through. This unclear state of emergency is really confusing and frustrating at the same time. I still cannot bring myself to fully understand just what exactly the situation is like. Are we at the state of emergency? Why are malls and banks still open? I don't know what other people are doing but I am still in quarantine.........My kids are too.........but there are families who dine out still and I really don't know what guidelines are anymore at this point.

Shu said that he feeling a little less of himself lately. He said he is becoming more forgiving than his usual self. Although I cannot fully understand what he meant, I think it's coz we now have more important things and people we love and care for to consider and we take consequences into consideration. Staying sane is one thing but losing yourself can be daunting. I breakdown from time to time but I still try and am able to pick myself back up. It's just a matter of time that determines how often and how long it takes me to get back on track.

I also told Shu that maybe growing up, he's usually the one who doesn't really think much about consequences with the actions that he takes. I had always been the one who would have to consider consequences because I usually get bullied and I wasn't physically able to take on others due to my size........erm........tiny-ness..........But even then, people had always been mean to me and it's usually verbally. Classmates, teachers,family............Now, I face people whom I don't even know and they don't know me and yet they still say mean things to me.

You would think that I would grow to hate people and start doing bad things in order to retaliate. I didn't though. I still pray for them. Hoping that they would find whatever it is they are looking for and hoping that they would eventually be happy. In the meantime, I cannot change myself just because you feel or think that I need to but I won't be apologetic about it. Not anymore. And I will never try to not be myself just because I want to fit in. I've been doing it for years and it truly amounts to nothing but sleepless nights and depression.

I hope Shu finds what he is looking for. I hope he will be happy when he does ^_^

So many souls that lost control Where did they fall?

 Under the water we can't breathe, we can't breathe

Under the water we die
Under the water there is no one watching
Under the water we are alone
Then why do we jump in?
Why do we jump in?
Under the water we die

So many souls, that lost control
Where did they fall?
Into the deep, what do they seek?
Where did they fall?
Where did they fall?

Hearts will dream again
Lungs will breathe in
Wash away the sins
It's where it begins
Feet won't fail you now
Arms won't let you down
Wash away the sins

Under the water we can't be together
Under the water we die
Then why do we jump in?
Why do we jump in?
Under the water we die

So many souls that lost control
Where did they fall?
Into the deep, what do they seek?
Where did they fall?
Where did they fall?

Hearts will dream again
Lungs will breathe in
Wash away the sins
It's where it begins
Feet won't fail you now
Arms won't let you down
Wash away the sins
It's where it begins

Hearts will dream again
Wash away the sins

These are confusing times

 Shu and I are somewhat bummed out and confused about what exactly is going on. It's not a full on lockdown but only 2 people are allowed in cars when driving around. Shu said even though shits not affecting his business so much, it gets annoying that they keep telling us to keep social distancing ourselves but have places like banks opened just until 1pm. Wouldn't that make people crowd the banks even more coz they need to get shit done ASAP? That would definitely NOT help with social distancing.

I am running out of ideas of things to do to pass time. I have my workout routines. I have a very controlled diet. I have jamming sessions. I do art with the kids from time to time. The babies are begging for homework. They are getting bored. I had plans to go over to Spotlight to get some art supplies but that doesn't seem like a plan now. The first time the country went into a lockdown, Spotlight had a very crappy delivery service. I keep waiting for packages to arrive coz shopping online is all I ever do these days.

Well, I have my plants to tend to. Still, I am waiting for the rest of the decking to arrive coz the balcony is not fully done. 

Shu and I are jumping from one show to another on Netflix. Last night, we discovered Paranormal. It's an Egyptian supernatural series. They speak and write Arabic. And I love Egyptian Mythology. We've only watched 3 series so far. It gets weird sometimes. But I think I would stick to this for a while.

Oh yeah, we watched Over The Moon yesterday afternoon. I loved it. 

One moment more and I’m holding onto you For dear life

 

When you reach out, I move in
A little premonition on my skin
Can you feel the storm that’s rolling in?
Do you hear a new love whispering?

One moment more and I’m holding onto you
For dear life
And now that I’m sure I am holding onto you
For dear life

A deep blue night comes creeping in
The candlelight is flickering
So used to feeling all alone
Now here comes something I don’t know

One moment more and I’m holding onto you
For dear life
And now that I’m sure I am holding onto you
For dear life

You are everything to me
You’re everything to me

One moment more and I’m holding onto you
For dear life
And now that I’m sure I am holding onto you
For dear life

You Make Me Wanna Die

 

Take me I'm alive
Never was a girl with a wicked mind
But everything looks better when the sun goes down

I had everything
Opportunities for eternity
And I could belong to the night

Then your eyes
Your eyes
I can see in your eyes
Your eyes

You make me wanna die
I'll never be good enough
You make me wanna die
And everything you love will burn up in the light
And every time I look inside your eyes
You make me wanna die

Taste me drink my soul
Show me all the things that I shouldn't know
When there's a blue moon on the rise

I had everything
Opportunities for eternity
And I could belong to the night

Then your eyes
Your eyes
I can see in your eyes
Your eyes
Everything in your eyes
Your eyes

You make me wanna die
I'll never be good enough
You make me wanna die
And everything you…

Mood today: Here's To Never Growing Up

 

Singing Radiohead at the top of our lungs
With the boom box blaring as we're falling in love
I got a bottle of whatever, but it's gotten us drunk
Singing here's to never growing up

Call up all our friends, go hard this weekend
For no damn reason, I don't think we'll ever change
Meet you at the spot, half past ten o'clock
We don't ever stop, and we're never gonna change

Say, won't you say forever stay
If you stay forever hey
We can stay forever young

Singing Radiohead at the top of our lungs
With the boom box blaring as we're falling in love
I got a bottle of whatever, but it's getting us drunk
Singing, here's to never growing up

We'll be running down the street, yelling "Kiss my ass!"
I'm like yeah whatever, we're still living like that
When the sun's going down, we'll be raising our cups
Singing, here's to never growing up

Oh whoa, oh whoa, here's to never growing up
Oh whoa, oh whoa, here's to never growing up

We live like rock stars, dance on every bar
This is who we are, I don't think we'll ever change
They say just grow up, but they don't know us
We don't give a fuck, and we're never gonna change

Say, won't you say forever stay
If you stay forever hey
We can stay forever young

Singing Radiohead at the top of our lungs
With the boom box blaring as we're falling in love
I got a bottle of whatever, but it's getting us drunk
Singing, here's to never growing up

We'll be running down the street, yelling "Kiss my ass!"
I'm like yeah whatever, we're still living like that
When the sun's going down, we'll be raising our cups
Singing, here's to never growing up

Oh whoa, oh whoa, here's to never growing up
Oh whoa, oh whoa, here's to never growing up

Say, won't you say forever stay
If you stay forever hey
We can stay forever young

Singing Radiohead at the top of our lungs
With the boom box blaring as we're falling in love
I got a bottle of whatever, but it's getting us drunk
Singing, here's to never growing up

We'll be running down the street, yelling "Kiss my ass!"
I'm like yeah whatever, we're still living like that
When the sun's going down, we'll be raising our cups
Singing, here's to never growing up

Oh whoa, oh whoa, here's to never growing up
Oh whoa, oh whoa, here's to never growing up
Oh whoa, oh whoa, here's to never growing up
Oh whoa, oh whoa, here's to never growing up

I've always said my parents are weird

 But my mum...........ever since Disney released Mulan back in 1998, she insists that Mulan reminded her of me. Why? How? I could never understand. 

Look at me
I will never pass for a perfect bride
Or a perfect daughter
Can it be I'm not meant to play this part
Now I see
That if I were truly to be myself, I would break my family's heart

Is that what she meant? I can't be myself? 

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight, back at me
Why is my reflection someone I don't know
Somehow I cannot hide
Who I am
Though I've tried
When will my reflection show who I am inside

My mum went to see the latest Mulan real life action movie a few months back when they released in the cinemas. She called me immediately after the show just to tell me that Mulan reminded me of her. 

Honestly, people in general cannot accept me for who I truly am so I would have to put up a facade. Sometimes, I feel like I am just happy being myself and people still have a problem with it. There will always be flaws in my ways. Whether it's about raising my kids or what I wear or my color of choice. 

I am currently at a happy state of mind. Shu loves me for who I am. Weird or not. My kids enjoy doing random things with me whether it's art or gaming or sports. It's not like I fully cut ties with everyone else. It's less of them and more of me. I give myself time to process things. I give myself time to unwind. I give myself time get shit together.

I still don't know why my mum thinks I am Mulan in her mind. If I were to pick a Disney Princess I see myself as, it would most likely be Pocahontas. Always had been. 

Pandemic Halloweeners

 Went to the store last night coz I totally forgot to do it on the day we were out on a date......... Coz it was a date....... And we were shopping......... For house things......... OK, I forgot completely.

Anywho, managed to get these last night

Very limited thingys but I did quite a lot of damage coz I was shopping on my own....... For Halloween........ It's never a good idea......

Today, Shu decided to shop online coz Yusuf wanted decorations for his room so we got these......... 

I also made popsicles coz I made a promise to Safiyya 

Gonna continue watching Beetlejuice tonight......... 

You've got a smile that could light up this whole town

 The kids were at their cousins house since morning so Shu and I decided to have breakfast together and did some shopping while it was just the 2 of us. OK, we did a lot of shopping.

We had breakfast and coffee at Wolf and Turtle coz I freakin love their avocado toast and coffee. Always coffee. Yes. 

Then we decided to look for a mirror for the entryway. And a pair of slippers for Shu. I also picked up a pair of sports bra with a matching pair of leggings. Hell Yaass!

We had to get some clothes for Safiyya coz she was outgrowing hers a little too quickly these days. I found a dress...... At the kids section. I fit the 12-year old size as it turns out.

Holy shit, we did a lot of damage at the furniture and interior decorating shop. I got a gaming chair and storage boxes for the kids and a decorative mirror for the entryway 😊 yay!

Lastly, we did some grocery shopping. We got home at about 3pm. Safiyya and Ali Imran came home shortly after. Yusuf stayed on coz he wanted to go swimming with his cousins. 

I'd say we had a pretty productive day :) 

Avril Lavigne and Friends on October 24th

 

this is me trying..............

 .............

I have come to terms with the fact that all that I will ever be is collateral. Anytime, anywhere. I could just be an unfortunate fate somewhere and that is that. I mean, it's not like we live forever. 

But there are things that haunt me.........things that I cannot undo or control. Things that had been said and done. Not just by me but a society I am part of. As much as I wish to change it, I can't.

However, I am beginning to think that politicians are toxic and selfish. Everything that ever comes from them are lies and they have no means to serve the society. We were introduced to the idea of a technocratic governing system. Unfortunately, I live in the time and age of people not even looking up what the word means. All that matters is the flag they carry. It was an idea. It was a proposal. It could be a solution. 

I long for life among people who read an entire article and understand or at least try to understand what they've read instead of just reading a headline and then react. Your reaction to a headline is useless. Why react at all? Why not contribute productive ideas and suggestions and solutions to overcome a problem instead? We have opinions but they are just comments, hateful or not. We need to be more helpful towards one another.

I've lived my whole life with people who comment on every single thing I do. They never provided solutions. They did not help one bit.

Say a prayer. For anyone, really. Or anything. For people we don't know. For people we might have hurt accidentally. For people out on the road trying to make a living. 

I have found peace within myself when I stopped praying for myself and started praying for everyone else regardless if I know them at all. I am not one in the position to impose religion on anyone but my journey of trying to find peace was long and difficult and sometimes I couldn't see a way out. Hence, my depression and sleepless nights. Then, I realized that I was too focused on the negativity which was myself and all that I was.

Sometimes, just because something doesn't happen to you doesn't mean that you don't have to bother to lift a finger to help. I want to die knowing that I did try to do something good for someone out there regardless who they are or if I even know them.

And I feel so alive..... I can't help myself.......

 

Got up on the wrong side of life today, yeah
Crashed the car, and I'm gonna be really late
My phone doesn't work 'cause it's out of range
Looks like it's just one of those kind of days
You can't kick me down; I'm already on the ground
No, you can't 'cause you couldn't catch me anyhow
Blue skies but the sun isn't coming out, no
Today, it's like I'm under a heavy cloud

And I feel so alive
I can't help myself
Don't you realize?

I just wanna scream and lose control
Throw my hands up and let it go
Forget about everything and run away, yeah
I just want to fall and lose myself
Laughing so hard it hurts like hell
Forget about everything and run away, yeah

So-so is how I'm doing if you're wondering
I'm in a fight with the world, but I'm winning
Stay there, come closer - it's at your own risk
Yeah, you know how it is: life can be a bitch

But I feel so alive
I can't help myself
Don't you realize?

I just wanna scream and lose control
Throw my hands up and let it go
Forget about everything and run away, yeah
I just want to fall and lose myself
Laughing so hard it hurts like hell
Forget about everything and run away, yeah

Run away, run away
Run away, run away
Run away, run away
(Run away, run, run away)
Run away, run away
(Run away, run, run away)

I just wanna scream and lose control
Throw my hands up and let it go
Forget about everything and run away, yeah
I just want to fall and lose myself
Laughing so hard it hurts like hell
Forget about everything and run away, yeah

I just wanna scream and lose control
Throw my hands up and let it go
Forget about everything and run away, yeah
I just want to fall and lose myself
Laughing so hard it hurts like hell
Forget about everything and run away, yeah

Just like a folk song, Our love will be passed on

And I've been meaning to tell you
I think your house is haunted
Your dad is always mad and that must be why
And I think you should come live with
Me and we can be pirates
Then you won't have to cry
Or hide in the closet

Nadiah gave birth yesterday. The baby looked cute and healthy ^_^ 

I have been trying to write lyrics for the 2 new song samples I recorded the other day. I've got nothing. 

That series we've been watching on Netflix (You) is giving me mixed feelings about a lot of things. I usually don't care much for settings as such. I am more of medieval or epic type movies......shows.......with the exception of American Horror Story and Ratched. Ok, I am also a fan of The Haunting of Hill House and The Haunting of Bly Manor.

I really should just put on Hocus Pocus or The Nightmare Before Christmas just to get into the mood of Halloween. I have a look in mind.........

I am kinda obsessed with this right now............