Hello there and welcome to the 2nd year of the 2-week lockdown!

 I hope this means that they have an actual plan to slowing down people movements and boosting up the vaccine distribution. I'm gonna keep my cup half full. I believe in wisdom behind things happening. I lost my muchness yesterday but even though I haven't pulled myself back up entirely, I am feeling more like myself today 😊

Anywho, Shu and I were talking about stuff today. I have come to a point of acceptance whereby I truly think that if I were to die, no one in my family would give a shit or know that I died until...... Whenever........

I'm not mad or whatever. I just think that it's always been this way and they really couldn't care for things other than themselves. I also think that they lack gratitude.

I also think that they hate the fact that despite me putting up a facade of being the dumb blonde in the family, I make sense when shit happens and they can't accept the cold hard truth.

I hope my brother gets married on Monday and I hope he's happy. After all, that's what really matters ☺️

Boating

 When I say I like to pile things up onto my plate, I really do mean it. In a matter of about an hour, I have learned more things that would keep me up and busy in the next couple of days....... I hope.......

Once things are actually moving, I'll update it somewhere. For now, I am super psyched because I am actually learning something new 😊

This MCO is boring the living crap out of me, I'm not gonna lie. I've started working out again after about a month of break. I was in pain in the last couple of days but my body is used to it now. I injured my left shoulder slightly from a side plank but other than that, I'm good.

Shu has been talking to me about our finances because I think it's important that I know what's going on. He used to think it would worry me unnecessarily but I know that one of these days, I'm gonna have to know things myself.

I haven't left the house in a couple of days already. I've been trying to convince my plants that if they don't buck up, I'm moving them back into the pot of soil.

Safiyya came home from playing outside today and told me that she wants a bird........ Like a pet bird....... 😑 I'm not keen on the idea of keeping a bird locked up in a cage. She's gonna have to just befriend one outside from the wild.

Ali Imran is obsessed with Witherzillas and Witherstorms....... I don't know what he's talking about and it worries me.

Yusuf had been talking to the phone while playing Roblox with his cousins. Again, everytime he shows me something, I honestly have no clue what I'm looking at.

Yey, FidZy!

Today, I realized that Ali Imran and Yusuf are in 2 different schools in 2 different districts. So, the public holiday today only applies to Yusuf's school and not Ali Imran's. He missed his class anyways......

Yey, FidZy!

I hope Safiyya won't fall off her bed tonight.......

😕

How's it going?

 It's been a hell of a year........ I finally finished reading the Quran........on my own.........I know, I know........some people get it done within a month. Well, I am not eloquent enough to be reading with a group. I might slow people down. However, I am not like إقرا level either. Also, I read the الكهف every Friday. It's ike 12 pages long and I never get it done in one seating..........

Anywho, apart from me trying to not scream out loud to MKN to just STFU about telling us how to live our lives, I just wish they'd just do their job and actually get things done............

We had to cancel 3 of our holiday trips and it's coming up to June. Dude, I am and have been staying at home. What are these people doing anyways?

I swear there was a point to this entry........

Oh yeah!

My mom got vaccinated some weeks ago. Shu and I are waiting for our turns.........

In 2020, I learned how to build a house and waterproof bathroom tiles. I also learned a lot about woodworking.

In 2021, I learned to make coffee at home.....barista style. Shu got me the grinder and a manual coffee machine and all........Recently, I have been learning how to sail a boat. Boating 101,basically. I am just gonna keep myself occupied and try focusing on something just to get by until.......well, until things get by...........

We are in the planning stages of building a house. One, from scratch and the other is just a matter of interior decorating and fixtures,I hope.

Seriously, by 2022, if shit doesn't get better,I'mma learn how make a damn rocket and fly myself away from this planet yo!

October 23rd 2018

 Sometimes, I want to say things not because I want a reaction but just because I cannot contain it. Most of the time, I am unprepared or simply not anticipating a reaction at all but I get it anyways because I decided to say something.

October 18th 2018

 This world lacks romance. I hate this world. I cannot live here. 

My dad turned 62 the other day

 

This is him cutting the cake we sent him with Hamza and Suhaila coz the damn MCO does not enable us to cross district borders. We video called him and my mum though.

I'm not sure if I understand just WTF is going on right now. We have somewhat of a lockdown but not really. Case numbers are...... Well, just numbers at this point in time. I don't know if it makes any difference at all, really. Schools are closed but malls are opened.

Oh! We discovered a new variant of covidiots! They wear masks and gloves while going around public places. They touch pretty much everything and with the same glove they've been touching things with, they also touch their faces.

So yeah...... Case numbers....... What's that? 

Yesterday was Eid

 With all that's happening, people are having a hard time celebrating. But I still see and hear a lot of fireworks everywhere around us. That's a good sign. A lot of people get emotional on this day for some strange reason.

Last night, my mum forwarded a text message to me which she received from Tasha. Well, Tasha had always been considered as part of our family since she came to our house when she was 9 years old.

She's an only child. Both her parents were always busy with work. They used to take her to the mosque. That was where she met my grandmother. Then, my grandmother introduced her to us and she started hanging out with us.

I babysat her all the time growing up. We got along. She even followed us to UK this one time. It's funny coz her parents just let her go with us.

Anywho, she was telling my mum about how thankful she was to have ever met us and that we let her be part of our family. I still think of her as a sister. Shu used to fight with her and my sister when they were kids. It's so funny every time I remember those days.

I hope everyone is doing well these days. Selamat Hari Raya to everyone ❤️

metronome

 There is something magical about the Hummingbird. Everytime I pick it up, it makes such magical sounds and I'd record awesome samples. The playbacks on my phone is surreal.

Things are brewing and everyone is losing their minds.........on different levels. I keep telling myself that this is the first time this generation is dealing with a pan-ass-demic. From vaccine disputes to death rates and now we have numbers. They seem meaningless because people need to survive. We are running on backup plans after backup plans. It's getting quite exhausting at some point.

We need solutions. Suggestions have been put forth but we need something done.

The only way I am staying sane in the midst of all this chaos is to focus on what is truly important to me which is Shu and my kids. If I ever lose myself in the crazy world of never ending pain, I'd break. I do my part to help however I can but I can only do so much because I am limited to my capabilities and resources.

The new routines I have developed over the course of about a year has done wonders for me. We cannot lose our muchness for if we do, we might lose ourselves completely.

Sometimes, it seems like I pull myself away from this world which seems selfish but this world has done nothing to help me in times of need. I owe nothing.

Ali Imran turned 6

 Last week, it was Ali Imran's birthday. We planned a birthday celebration for him. Coincidentally, his cousins came over so we had an actual party.

It wasn't as elaborated as we hoped but he was happy. He didn't even eat the ice-cream cake even though it was oreo flavoured coz he doesn't like ice cream 😑

On Friday in the same week was his cousin's birthday so we went over to their house. We'll, the kids did. We came by later. I think they are getting bored. 

Sad nipples and nasi lemak 50 sen

 Went to visit my parents yesterday. Sent Wani's birthday present and stuff. We went for a short while coz we had to get home in time to cook. Managed to see Mama and Kak Yah.

Of all things my dad could possibly do was to give Yusuf a crash course on guns -_- Ali Imran was not so interested in it coz he kept saying he wanted a long gun and not a short gun........ He thought my dad said shirt gun but it was shotgun.......

Anywho, Safiyya was happily eating and playing with cats. My dad also took out his hunting bow and asked Yusuf to hold it and have a go. He wanted to give Yusuf an arrow. I was like "No!"

Anywho, my aunt and my mum spent a good 5 minutes outside the front door just criticising on how I am too skinny and flat-chested as we were leaving. Apart from losing weight, I think I had always been flat-chested 🤔

Safiyya's birthday party

 Safiyya turned 4 on Saturday and we decided to have a birthday party for her. Shu wanted her to have her own birthday party instead of sharing it with Ali Imran (his birthday is on the 27th).

Shu spoke to her on Friday and discovered that she wanted a unicorn themed birthday cake. Shu found a cake company who took last minute orders and they delivered the cake on Saturday at noon. 

Shu ordered this Chang'e doll for her off of Amazon last year in November and it was only available in December and we received it some weeks ago. She loved it ❤️

I was dressed as Pocahontas because Safiyya and I were supposed to be Disney Princesses. 

Cake Rush delivered the cake and it's delish 😋

The sun has fallen

 Another day gone without you

My heart keeps calling 

And I don't know just what to do

I was looking for a tailor to alter my clothes coz it seems that I not only bought all my ready-made clothes in the wrong sizes but they are way too big on me. I know that I have shrunk over the years but the clothes looked ridiculously huge on me. Anyways, I found one yesterday and she was like "WHY ARE ALL YOUR CLOTHES THIS BIG???!!!" Why,this is the reason I am having them altered...........

She's a really nice lady. I like her already!

I'm not much of a formal clothes shopper and for the past many years, I've been wearing the black kebaya I've had since.......since.......I was still in school. The tailor who made the kebaya did an awesome that I still wear it till today. It's black. Indonesian batik. I love it! Shu and I are always wearing black and we got the kids black clothes for raya some years ago. My mum hates the color black for hari raya. She never let me get any clothes in black when I was a kid.

Anywho, Shu and I were in the kitchen cooking together the other day. We started talking about movies. Then for some reason, the movie American Beauty came up. Bla bla bla........and then there were pedophelia........I seem to cannot forgive and let go of some things in my life.

I've come to realize that the reason I despise living sometimes is because a lot of things happened when I was between the ages 14 and 15. Shu said those are crucial times and I feel like as much as I say I have moved on, I can't help but think that there were some form of abandonment that took place. I keep wondering and asking why the people who were supposed to protect me didn't do it and instead allowed the predators into my life willingly and openly. What ever I said at the time felt like just me complaining and that I should just move on. Well, I did. And I didn't kill myself.

I spent most of my school years not wanting to get up in the morning and just wanting to die. 

I am far from where I was in school now. It's a fight and still is sometimes but I have people who love me with me. 

Hello Mr. "Perfectly fine"

 How's your heart after breaking mine?

I was on the couch listening to Taylor Swift's new lyric video Mr. Perfectly Fine while Shu and Safiyya were just hanging out on the other side of the couch. Suddenly, Shu said he kinda like the song. I was like "Oh!" He sometimes likes Taylor Swift songs that I listen to or play on the guitar from time to time like Sparks Fly or Cornelia Street.

I know that he really likes this song

But the very next day, Shu came back from work and picked up the guitar and started playing Mr Perfectly Fine. I was shocked coz I didn't know he really liked the song that much. 

The other Taylor Swift he really likes is No Body No Crime.

I started listening to Taylor Swift even before we got married. I was into the album Fearless. And then, my all time favourite was the album Speak Now. I was listening to Red a little here and there. Then her other albums like 1989 and Reputation and Lover along the way not in the order they were released coz I wasn't into her singles from those albums at the time.

But then, I realized that I know a lot of songs from her 1989 album. So weird.

WHAT DO THESE PEOPLE WANT FROM ME?!!!!!!

 My public IG account was getting hacked yesterday. This isn't the first time this is happening. Back in 2014, my FB account got hacked. I received an email about logging in from the US. It turns out, I was somewhere in Portland. Funny. Considering the fact that my school stated SMKTTDI but in Portland.

UGH! CHEE WAGGA CHOO CHOO!

I had a funny question for Shu a couple of days ago. I was wondering what the police officers in this country would say to you if you ever got pulled over. I am pretty sure they won't say things like "Ma'am, license and registrations please" I have never spoken to police officers............I think I did it once coz I was making a police report about something but I can hardly remember what that was like.

Anywho, I was telling Shu about an epiphany I had while showering the other day. I had AURORA playing on my phone. I always do. Everytime I take a shower, I'd light the candle and have my AURORA playlist on my phone playing. I've always wondered why whenever I feel calm or in a neutral state of mind, I'm listening to AURORA. It's melancholy. My natural state of mind is melancholy. That is why I write better when I am in this state as opposed to when I am on either extreme ends of emotions such as ecstatic or just depressed. Well, depression is an emotion I am too well versed with that I can write anything when I am depressed.

Anyways, I am not sad. I just feel comfortable in this state. Which results to making me happy ^_^

People who think they know me often times tell me that they doubt if I can survive outside of the city life I grew up in. Well, these people don't know me clearly. I don't belong anywhere. All my life, I can never find a place that makes me feel well fitted in. As long as I know the kids are safe, I can be at peace. I don't need to leave the house. I don't need to be around people or be in public places like shopping malls to be happy. Being treated like an outsider had always been my life. I kinda like it. I don't feel too much attachment towards any place I am at. 

Having said that, I often times have somewhat of a cultural mix confusion. I guess it's not that big of a deal considering how I have most of the cultural traditional clothes to be worn for certain occasions. 

Yusuf was asking me a lot about daycare

 Not that we were gonna send him to one. He was referring to a game he was playing. He asked me why kids hate going to daycare. The first thing to do was to make sure he understood what daycare was. Then, he asked why kids were sent to daycare because he used to have friends when he was in preschool who would have to stay back up till 4pm while the rest of the kids left at noon. It's hard explaining something like this to him considering he's never been left anywhere because Shu and I had to work.

I also had to make it clear to him that it's not their parents fault for having to leave them while they were at work because it would have been the safer thing to do than to leave the kids at home unattended. Being parents, we really shouldn't judge other parents for the decisions they make. We all make choices according to what our situations are and we are never on the same boat. I don't think it's right for me to pass remarks about working parents and I certainly do not expect them to understand my daily struggles as a stay-at-home mom and wife.

We make sacrifices.

Anywho, that little discussion/explanation I provided him made him realize that I quit my job to take care of him when our maid ran away when he was a year old. Also, he had seen his friends whom had to take more than just school books to school every morning because they had to stay behind until late afternoon. I haven't had a good night sleep for about 6 years now only because I would wake up at the sound of a crying baby or child. Shu would wake up early to get things done just so that I can get some sleep and I would pick things up where he left off after leaving for work in the day.

It gets easier once you get the hang of it. Kids get older and more independent as the years go by. We have more time for ourselves now than before but it's a journey. I totally admire parents who work and are able to take care of their kids at the same time 🤟

I fall asleep in my own tears, I cry for the world, For everyone

 Last week, I bit the bullet and went to see a doctor for some antibiotics. The doctor was acting weird coz she was terrified if I the Covid-19 but I didn't know and I was like "Well,that's why I'm here now........" I was coughing and the sniffles was a result of me coughing so bad. I've checked all the symptoms and I was more than fine. She gave me the meds and had this hopeful look that she wasn't going to get some follow up report about me and the damn Covid-19.

 I am getting better and I haven't been out nor was I ever out and about prior to getting sick. My immune system is the worst coz I never leave my home. The most I'd do is go down the elevator to the carpark and into the car. I never leave the car. I have my mask on everytime I am outside.

I had my mask on when Aina came over with Zairy. I had my mask on when my sister came over to deliver the bookshelf I had Simon built for us. I'd have my mask on even on days when I am not sick and playing kick ball in the playground area within my house compound.

Anywho, Simon and Wani came over with the kids. They delivered the bookshelf and had some business discussion with Shu. Had lunch and coffee and all. I played with the kids. They are so funny.

Yesterday, we went to Aina's new house. She just got the keys a couple of weeks ago and Zairy had been going back and forth from Terengganu getting all the lights and fans fixed and checking all the defects. That's why his guitar and amplifier is at our house. Shu was helping him fix his Gibson and in return, he left his Boss Katana amp for us to jam with. He also left his 10 year old guitar from under his bed which had not been touched for.......well,about 10 years. We changed the pickup which was fun coz I love using the soldering machine ^_^

Safiyya's been hanging out with us everytime we jam in the studio and she really wants a guitar. Shu had been teaching the boys how to play the acoustic guitar but it's a bit too big for them so Shu's looking into getting them a kid size guitar for them to practise on. We've been looking into getting an electronic drum set coz I think I'm gonna start playing the drums again after so long.

I was never a drummer in any of the bands I used to jam with but I do play the drums in my own time.

This cough is annoying coz I can't sing.......I hate listening to AURORA and not be able to sing along 😑

It was so funny when we visited Shu's parents while we were at Aina's house. His mum had been sick but she looked at me and asked why I was looking so pale.............Shu said it's coz I live like a vampire and don't ever get sunlight outside the house...........kinda true 😛

My playlist as of late had been Deep Purple, Led Zeppelin, Jimi Hendrix and KISS............on repeat.......I love it!

The highlight of my week

 Will have to be Yusuf watching Shu giving me cough mixture and laughing because I hate it so damn much. I hate the taste of it. Shu was about to leave for work today and he said before he leaves,he was gonna make sure I took my meds. I said I was gonna do it later. He said  my later could turn out to be tomorrow for all he knows so he took out the meds and gave me -_-

I really am not up to going to the clinic although I do think that some antibiotics could help me a lot. I am annoyed at the people living in the world outside. Here I am sick and quarantining myself so that I won't spread my flu to other people and there are people who still walks into shops with their masks hanging under their chins. Some don't even have masks on. I'm beginning to think I am wasting my time teaching my kids and spending so much on masks.

The school holidays are coming up but I can't really take the kids anywhere coz their favourite place in the world is closed (Legoland Hotel). I know that the parks are opened but it's not a complete experience without the hotel and I know how much they enjoy staying there. Safiyya and Ali Imran have their birthdays coming up in April and eventhough Shu has made plans, I still have backup plans for their party in case things don't turn out the way we planned. 

They say that the vaccinations have began but you can never be too sure coz right now, we're still not allowed to cross state borders. There are plus points to it but for people like Shu and I, we're always on the move throughout the country so being stuck in KL is kinda boring. I haven't gone to the malls in such a long time coz I don't want to. I am terrified of people.

Tell me this is just my immune system updating

 I am feeling very sick. The sniffles. The burning throat. The itch.

Last week, Ali Imran got sick. He had the sniffles and then a slight fever. He hasn't been to school for almost 2 weeks now coz even though he was active, his runny nose was still there and his teachers denied him access into the school.

On Friday, Yusuf picked up something. His immune system is different because he's always had a slight case of bronchitis since he was born due to the fact that he pooped in the womb and he was born at 36 weeks. He spent 10 days in the hospital....... I hate remembering it......... Anywho, he's been coughing but the doctor didn't put him on the nebulizer coz he wasn't wheezing. He needed antibiotics.

2 days ago, I stayed up looking after Safiyya coz her body temperature increased and I had to make sure it didn't get too high or else she might get into a fit. Her immune system is strong because she's active and isn't picky when it comes to food. She recovered the next day.

This morning, I woke up feeling like my throat was on fire. I was fine earlier this morning. I felt like I was deteriorating towards the evening. Then, came the sniffles and a slight fever. I'm about to take my 3rd dose of paracetamol later........ And I'm probably gonna crash.........

Funny how I've been fighting this off for a few days now. I've been working out and trying to ignore the tiny symptoms. I can hear my mom telling me that it's gonna take about 72 hours to recover from this 😑

Most of me is frozen in time

 While the rest of me is trying to get by

I've been having issues with trying to understand why I cannot seem to fit in...........Well,I've never fit in anywhere all my life and usually it doesn't bother me but lately, it's been very strange. I seem to not be able to relate to more and more people I meet,people I see, people I know. I was talking to Shu about this some nights ago. 

It's like I'd see or read people talking or complaining about the simplest things like traffic jams and I am like "why"? Shu thinks that maybe it's coz I don't really live in this world so going out once in a while is as much as it is for me when it comes to relating or interacting with the world outside. People complain or are bitter for a variety of reasons but how they got there is the reason why they are. I am beginning to understand it.

For the longest time, I felt like usually if something is bothering my mind or clouding my thoughts, I'd write them out. It could be either in a journal entry form. It can be written out in a song or poem..........or a blog entry............but I just couldn't do it. I thought it was lack of inspiration. I thought I needed to go out. I thought I needed human interaction.

I just needed a new perspective. I don't fully have one. Not yet. But I am beginning to understand other people and the world outside which is news to me but I am slowly embracing the world for what it is. 

Shu and I live in the same house but our worlds are completely different. He has a world outside the house which he interacts with on a day-to-day basis. He has human interaction eventhough it isn't personal. On the road with other drivers. In the shops with other people. He told me I needed to start doing more human activities like driving. 

So, I drove yesterday. It was daunting at first but I got the hang of it. To think that I used to drive to class everyday from home and then to UNITEN and then back home. I have lost my muchness......... Today, I did some banking because it was one of those situations again whereby my presence was required..........I survived.........it was funny.

Hikari

 I have been listening to a whole lot of Olivia Lufkin lately. The song Rain in particular is my favourite.

Last night, as I was sorting out the kids' uniforms, a memory struck me as I was listening to this song. It's no wonder I love this song so damn much. Back in my uni days, around the time my band (RadioEdit) was starting to write our songs, I received a call from someone from a big underground band. I cannot remember the band name nor can I remember the guy's name. 

He told me he had a project in the making. It was a band with a specific theme and that the lead vocalist had to be a girl. He proposed that I would do it since I am used to singing and playing the guitar for live performances. He said he had one music track completed but it had no lyrics. He sent it over to me and I listened to it and it really reminded me of JPop/Rock which I was so into at the time.

I listened to the track over and over and scribbled out some words. Eventually, I wrote lyrics for a song I called Hikari. The song never made it out because I was too involved with RadioEdit that I couldn't commit to another band and my grades were also not so great. I think I felt like I was stretching myself out a little too thin. So I turned down the request and deleted the music so that I won't get sued for copyrights in the future.

I just cannot remember where the lyrics to the song is. I used to write out on the notepad on the computer coz I was on the computer all the time. Maybe I'll write another version of Hikari sometime in the future..........