stained

 I haven't been so addicted to an entire album in a while and for the longest time, I really did not like listening to Linkin Park. I realized that I was getting a little annoyed at Chester's vocals and I just avoided the band completely. Recently, they released a new album and I have it playing on repeat.

 Stained is definitely a fav of mine.

I find that there is something about the vibes and emotions in this album that speaks to me. Ok, maybe it's Emily. Maybe I like her and her vocals actually sends the messages across to the extent that I could actually feel the songs.

I like it.

rant: just telling them bitches to fuck off 😂

 It's so funny that the more people I meet, the more random shit gets, the further I feel from where I've been and everything I used to know seems so far away now. It's like my daily life right now is basically meeting every goal I set for myself. It's not always a win and the goals I set can sometimes be challenging for me to just get it all done at once. The challenges are what makes it fun.

I somehow feel like I cannot ever talk to my family back in KL anymore because it seems as though they live under a rock. They sound like people who watch and believe everything they see on TV. If there was anything they'd ever mention about ever being elsewhere than where they are, it's most likely memories from 10-20 years ago. It's so weird. It's like talking to a bunch of people who never knew the existence of a world outside of where they live.

Everything I have ever done had never made sense to a lot of people just because I like to do what I like and a lot of people don't understand that we are not the same and our goals are different. I don't enjoy doing what they do but I never bothered to say anything about it because I feel like everyone is entitled to their own shit. I do what I like and they can do what they like and we don't have to like the same things just because.

Also, I find a lot of people who "think" that they belong in a certain financial group/category like to "act" in a certain way just to keep up with the Joneses. They don't really have everything they want and they just don't want to have to admit it and shit gets piled up real quick and then, they'd get into a massive depression. It's funny to a certain extent. I'm not laughing coz I think I'm better. I just think they need to get in touch with reality and if they do realize it, no one actually gives a shit about you or what you think or do. 

People say shit. People always say shit. People who don't know you especially, loves saying shit about you and what you do. Nothing ever satisfies them. If you are doing great, it's not good enough. If you're not doing great, you probably are not doing it the "right" way. Not to them, at least. They probably don't even know what the fuck you are actually talking about or what you are going through. But they wanna give their fucking 2 cents anyways coz they think it's worth something.

Honestly, nobody gives a shit about what they think. It's just an opinion. Like those fuckers who'd say shit like "thoughts and prayers". What the fuck does that mean? A psychological telegram that would magically make problems disappear? No, bitch! You gotta work to make it disappear.

So yeah, I chose to set goals and work my way towards checking them off my list and adding more goals later. I don't know what those other people are up to but quite frankly, I don't quite care what ever the fuck they wanna do with their lives 😂 I like to do things that make me happy 😁

14th year anniversary

 Shu and I had been needing an island getaway for sometime now. The school holidays were never a good time for us to go anywhere because there are people everywhere. We like less people and less hectic coz we just wanna play in the sea and enjoy the beach. As soon as the school holidays were over, we packed up our kids and headed out.

The kids enjoy open air boats now as opposed to being on closed up ferries and our drive makes the boat ride quicker to the island by about an hour. We've been doing this quite a bit lately. Also, all 3 of our kids are now able to go snorkeling so our island trips are a whole lot funner now. We spent most of our time in the water fish watching. 

Our trip this time around was fun because the beach was right at our doorstep. The corals were close and we spotted a lot of anemones with clownfish in them. There were other coral reef fish too. We even spotted a couple of baby black tip coral reef sharks. We are all super burnt now 😂 The sunblock lotion couldn't save us no matter how much we use.

I got a lot of bug bites. For some reason, sandflies really like me. There were also tiny, green caterpillars that would drop down from this huge tree near the restaurant area. I was screaming so much coz that mofo fell onto my arm and I was getting sick 🤢 Not from the bugs but I think it was something I ate........

Anywho, our next door neighbour was a Japanese lady. She was travelling alone. Next to her chalet was a chinese couple. Shu said that guy was super excited to get into the water that he was up all night waiting for the right time to go snorkeling. It was so funny. On the other side was an old chinese lady and her daughter. They were headed to Penang after the island.

It was fun. We ended up helping the Japanese lady named Miho get her bus tickets sorted out. Shu thinks she may have gotten her plan mixed up so instead of heading to the Besut Jetty, she ended up back at Merang Jetty. She was trying to get to the airport in Kota Bharu coz she was gonna catch a flight to Kota Kinabalu the next day.

It was so funny. She can hardly speak English and her accent made it very difficult for people to understand. We communicated mostly using Google Translate. We took her out to lunch coz we were all starving and the bus ticketing counter wasn't gonna open till about 2:30pm-ish so we had time. She ended up taking my phone number and I took hers in case she ever was back here and needed help with anything. We got her a bus ticket for 4pm. Hopefully, she made it to the airport tonight.

I think we had so much fun this time around. Ali Imran didn't wanna leave but we had to coz the weekend was coming and people were starting to come in. It would have been too crowded for our liking. We're already planning our next island trip in this next month ^_^ 

Och uti gröne Lunden där dansar ett par

 Den ena var vännen den andra var Jag

This song had been playing over and over in my head. I was working on a new book. Story. What ever you wanna call it. I was getting too overwhelmed with my current book because it was about to get violent and I wasn't in a violent mood. Not yet. I have it all written out in my head. I've been brainstorming too. I kinda know what is going to happen. I just cannot bring myself to write it all out......yet.......

My mind is elsewhere. I think I am distracted or I just have been distracting myself a little too much.

I was creating music on some sound pad thingy. I have to perfect the timing. The songs need to be redone and refined. I've also been reading too. I usually read classics or non-fictions but lately, it's been Lemony Snicket. I spent the entire day yesterday doing art in the studio because it hasn't been as hot as it usually is.

Again. I am distracted and distracting myself. 

I don't know if I need to get away physically or I am just too far away in my head.

I always told my mum that I cannot bring myself to mentally live in this world because it is too depressing and it makes me want to die. I think I have been creating too many worlds in my mind that I have been jumping from one world to the another and now, I am trying to write them all out just to make some space for me to think about the new things that I intend on learning. One of them being blacksmithing. I have yet to build a furnace. 

It's so weird to think that I am going through the same thing I have been going through as a teenager. It's almost as though nothing has changed but yet, everything has. It's so fucking weird.

It's hard to be a social person

 When every damn time someone texts in or calls and starts a conversation with "Hey, how are you?" or "How are the kids? You guys ok?" , they never really mean or care about how you really are. They would sometimes just start a small conversation heading towards wanting to borrow money. It wouldn't be a problem if they were regularly in contact with us. They usually aren't. 

It gets worse when they want to borrow money from you and it usually isn't a small amount and they'd get all aggressive. Making it look like you are a bad person for not wanting to help. It's so weird!

What's even weirder is that they have never been nice to you or your family ever. They'd ask for money like the only people with problems is them. And when you refuse to help (because you too have your problems to deal with), they'd act like you are the enemy. That is the only thing that they'd remember you for. Not all those other times you've helped them.

So yeah, I don't think I like socializing very much. I honestly think that if they'd wanna sell you something is still not half as bad as just asking for money. Believe me, they say borrow but they never pay you back. Like ever. It's so sick to think that people made this a norm. 

I am not on anyone's favourite person list and I really don't care. I like spending my money however I want and if you fucked up your finances because you couldn't fucking control your shit, that is NOT my problem.

Had a little get-together today

 It wasn't for our friends. Shu and I don't have a social life. Our kids do. At the very last minute, they decided to invite their friends over for a Hari Raya gathering. Shu and I had to look for last minute food and drinks. Safiyya invited her best friend from kindergarten with her family over. Yusuf had a friend over. Ali Imran had a friend over who came over with his mum and brother and sister. Yusuf's friend and Ali Imran's friend stayed till 5pm-ish. Everyone else left. We had a lot of leftover food so we gave them to our neighbours coz there was no way we could finish them all.

It was good. Safiyya's friend's parents kinda know us so we were chatting for a bit. We got to know Ali Imran's friend's mom. It was fun. Short but fun.

My mind wandered into the world of chibis while Shu is going to have to prepare more paperwork for upcoming projects. Being adults is fun but not like gaming fun ^_^

Geng Raya 2024

 I think despite everything that's been happening, we've had a pretty successful Ramadhan and Eid. It's been so hot back at home but for some reason, everything had been very smooth sailing for us. We've been taking it easy and things had been pretty laid back for us. We had no problems overcoming minor problems which was close to nothing and everyone whom we thought would cause us problems haven't been causing problems. We kept things simple and we had a happy month ^_^

I've always hated travelling by car to KL but things had been really great. We went shopping. Got all the things we needed. We met everyone we set out to meet this year. It's been a blast! I think we've checked off our list of things to do and all there is left to do is to head home and move forward. I need to get my studio back in shape. I also need to work on courses. Hopefully, I can get my resume together and soon, I can have a new schedule. 

I try to set goals as I go along and so far, I just need to cross the marks in fulfilling those goals because it's just about waiting for the time to arrive. Everything else I should have done in order to get there has already been done. It's just about waiting now. 

Oh yeah, I need to see how our car is doing in the workshop. I really like our old car. Sure, it's a 3.7 litre 4WD but the leather seats with built-in heating and the sunroof and the subwoofer surround sound is just something I don't think I can get from the newer cars today. Also, I hate having to adjust myself to new dimensions of driving new cars. I don't even like driving.

the funny thing about people

 Sometimes.......I spend time and energy giving advice. Usually, whenever I do, it's not for the immediate time and space........I am usually told to just not be useful or helpful because things weren't as bad.......and then, a few years down the road, shit gets bad. I mean really bad.........and for some reason, I still bother to give advice because.....I dunno......I'm just stupid. And it never sticks and they still choose to do something stupid and random........I refuse to be part of it now. If you can cast me aside back then, I am pretty sure I am still viewed as such now..........I refuse to lift a finger to help. That's my stand. You can suck it! 😂 All of you! 😜😄😁

“Everything you can imagine is real.” ― Pablo Picasso

It's true and I truly believe it. That is why this world is depressing and I live in a world of my own. This world lacks imagination. That's why everything you see is monochromatic. It lacks color. It lacks vibrancy. It lacks imagination. Cars. Buildings. Roads. Everything. We have been programmed to follow what is said to be "acceptable". 

They tell me sea monsters aren't real. They say nymphs aren't real but they believe in ghosts. Imagine, something that has already died coming back to life. They believe in zombies and the living dead.

-----------------------------------------------------

Hello world! This is present FidZy saying hello to the past FidZy who posted the above paragraphs. I have not been blogging because my head is not here at the mo. I am currently lost somewhere in the eastern region of the planet. There are Greek twin brothers with green eyes with me and a former bodyguard who is wise and badass. Endless black limos........

Nope, FidZy is not here.......

Goodbye world!

the thin line between born to die and yolo

 I always believed that we were all born to die. It's just a matter of when and where. Not that it matters at all anyway because it will happen. We just don't know it. I also believe that because we can die at any given time, we should live our lives to the fullest. We should do what we want to do because we want to do it and not because we are expected to do it. We live in a society where we make decisions based off of people's expectations and judgements. People will always judge. Doesn't matter whether you do something good or something bad. We do something new or unusual or uncommon and we would get feedbacks and reactions. 

What they don't realize is that it really doesn't matter what they think. I would have done it anyway. Even if it's something I am new to or I am not good at. I can try and try again. I also find that people who are always pessimistic towards anyone else's decisions to doing anything at all are people who don't even try to do anything at all. They don't create. They don't produce. They don't even try anything new and yet, they have the cheek to post a remark or a comment. Our challenge is to ignore them completely. It is a challenge because we live in a day and age where people think they need to comment on every single thing even if they don't know anything about it. Especially when they don't know anything about it. 

I just do what I want and I think it's been going great. What ever I decide to do has already been decided. I would do it anyways regardless what you think. The outcome varies and it's not always rainbows and butterflies but I am happy that I tried. Imagine if I didn't. I'd live my entire life wondering. That would suck.

Married To The Mob

 It is a code of conduct. When we first had a quick family meeting due to a sudden change in circumstance within the house, he quickly learned the ways of the mob and how to stay within the mob based on loyalty. It was funny because he's old enough to understand why certain things had to be done in such a way and he was laughing. It's funny until the time comes for you to know why this matters. I have been married long enough to know when not to open my mouth 😂 Some things just are better kept within the mob.

Anywho, I have been researching on guns because my writing has come to this and I realized that I don't know shit about SMGs and Semi-Autos....... -_-  I was learning about recoils and gauge and range and some other things like bullpups and accurizing....... I know, it's like trying to learn knots when I first started sailing last year all over again......It's a bit overwhelming at this point but I need to learn fast because I cannot delay any more chapters.....

I also decided to look like an anime this year. Kinda resolution..... but not really..... I have a specific anime in mind and she's not that much different looking than myself. I need to work on the hair which is quite difficult to do when it comes to anime hair.

I also got carried away with Canva. It's fucking insane! I am loving the new movie-like book cover I made today ^_^

Ta Dang

 I find that I am mostly attracted to people who have hobbies or skills because they have a passion for the things they love. People who  don't have hobbies or skills bore the living shit out of me. I usually just know that I am about to walk away with absolutely nothing precious to take with me and that I had wasted time. 

I say this because people who have hobbies usually are very focused. They are passionate about what they do and they have gone through the trials and errors enough to tell you how to do it right. That right there is precious information especially if it is something I have never done. 

Sometimes, talking to people like these would evoke a sense of curiosity in me into wanting to try something new. I am not the sharpest tool in the shed and some things are just a bit confusing for me compared to most other people. I do however feel like if I could find a different angle to look at something I really wanna learn, I could actually find a way to acquire such knowledge. 

Anywho, I find myself wanting to spend time with people who are actually interesting rather than people who'd just sit and talk about other people. That isn't something I gravitate towards and I certainly do not care what other people do with their lives and time. 

I have set out a bunch of things I want to do in the next coming months and I hope I have the time and energy and possibly the right people to be able to achieve such things. I'll admit that it's just mostly bucket list stuff but I think if I am gonna die, I might as well die doing something I love.

아프다

 I can't get that song out of my head. I have been writing so many chapters and my song playlist had been on replay and I think today, I woke up wanting to listen to something new. I just need to shift my mood a little because new things are happening and I didn't want to bring the same vibe moving forward. 

I am currently not even at home. Fucking electricity company decided to fuck shit up so I am here but not here. We are getting on with our lives but remotely. We should all just live off-grid by now. Make everything available without having to depend on private companies. It's achievable. We just need to learn a little more about getting it all done. Coz fuck capitalism,right? 

Hahahaha!

We pay for services we're not even getting. What in the actual fuck right? From mobile phone services to basic necessities. It's like nothing works anymore in this country! Tell me why I should pay for shit? 

The art of losing your mind

 I am possibly losing myself entirely into my writing and it is scaring the living shit out of me. Hell yeasss I've been working my ass off on this entire work but just doing that takes up my mind entirely and I am losing my mind and time! Holy freaking hell! This is bad! I would drown myself entirely into a world I have created.....which is weird considering that I created this world back when I was about 13 or 14 years old. Yeah adolescent and depression and everything else I couldn't understand. This was a world I created because I wanted to imagine life as someone else and now, I have to rewrite because I am an adult and I need to make more sense and also, copyrights :p I was into sci-fi and epic at the same time so it was hard to get a balance of both worlds and at the same time, the neutral ground had to be here and now. It was funner back then but it was only for me to read and escape to. Then, Tasha read it. She was my only reader. She would react whenever I do shit like killing off the protagonist and stuff. She'd go WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?!!!!

Hahahahaha!!!!!!

I love tragedy and romance from like Shakespearean era......and I love Edgar Allan Poe and Emily Dickinson.......so you can imagine the kind of heroes I'd go for but at the same time, I needed to remain myself.....if that makes any sense..........

There is FidZy the singer songwriter, FidZy the sailor and FidZy the writer...........Right now, I can't tell which FidZy I am best at -_-

Sailing Coach Course Level 1

 I decided to go to a course to train to be a level 1 sailing coach which specifies in mostly racing boats such as The Optimist, ILCA and Windsurfing. It was 5 days long and the programme was packed. It's been such a long time since I've attended anything like this. It was tiring but it was so much fun. I met so many people from everywhere.

The first person I met was a guy seated at the same table as I did. His name was Arief and he was from Outward Bound Malaysia in Lumut. He sails the Weller keel boat. He takes groups of between 8-10 people sailing around Pangkor island. I'd like to do that someday and I do love monohulls big and small.

The, 2 more people joined our group. Zu and Afizall from the Malaysian Scouts in KL. They usually sail on Sundays at Port Klang with other scout members and they usually sail as crew on board a keel boat. I can't remember which boat it is but it's a monohull as well. 

The, more people showed up in the seminar room. We had some teachers from Kelantan, a coach from Selangor or N9. A bunch of UMT sailing club students. One guy was from the scouts in Terengganu. Others were sailors from the same sailing club I'm in. 

Most of us were beginner sailors. It was funny coz I was just thinking to myself that I haven't seen coach in a long while coz he's been busy and I haven't been sailing and he's been teaching us at the course for 5 days straight 😂 Coach Affendy was also the other coach who flew over from the Kedah sailing club. 

I can tell that I have probably screwed up my theory exam at this point because, I always have problems understanding questions just like how I failed my driving theory test numerous times back in the day. For the most part, I did learn so much especially when it came to safety preparations and briefing and debriefing. I also almost fell overboard from the 470 twice. I didn't 😅

This was so much fun and I managed to get to know more sailors which was super useful especially from the UMT sailing club coz they sail together with the kids from the club I'm in whenever we practice at Duyong Marina Resort 😊

DO NOT MESS WITH JEAN

 I love Jean. He's like my new shiny item in my writing world. He's so badass. I've even imagined what it'll be like if I were to add like a serious kickass fight scene with him leading. He was not in the original writings. I have Kasabian's Underdog playing everytime I write him. I've been researching his weapon of choice.......for what he does on the daily, a 10mm semi auto is fine........woah!

I need to get my shit together! I wanna go into animations but I have until tomorrow to just write and do whatever. The next 4 days or so is gonna be super intense. I am anticipating the worst because I don't do well in new environments and meeting new people isn't something I am good at. And not to forget the exam coming at the end of it all!

😱

My mind had been super occupied and the stress level I have right now is keeping me up at night. Working out did help but I have been wanting to punch a bag so badly lately..........Ok, maybe that was my fault. My current playlist is too heavily influenced by League of Legends Arcane so songs like Enemy and Whatever It Takes and Dynasties and Dystopia would really get me worked up to wanting to kick ass or something.

vibing is hard!

 I used to laugh at those jokes about the writers and readers memes I used to see online. It's actually true! Hahaha! This is so F*CKED up! 😂 I am just laughing at myself now as I struggle to find the core of a character I created when I was about 13 or 14 years old........I managed to get the playlist together to set the tone and mood but holy crap! I am losing my mind! HE IS SO FUCKING DEPRESSING TO WRITE! Well, not him but the emotions that he brings into the story and this somehow reminded me of why I couldn't kill him off. I love depressing emotions. I used to feed on my depression just so that I could write better songs and better stories and better poetry. I guess I never realized how far away I am from that state of mind now and I am struggling to live my reality and that little fictitious world I created years ago.

Shit! I have to get my shit together!

I need to focus on what's coming in the coming weeks and these emotions have NOTHING to do with it! 

*sigh*

I was looking into reefing the sails and how to do it and why we do it.......I know, it's very strange considering how I don't need to do it with the boat I am sailing now........ -_-

I try very hard not to get sidetracked with random shit that has nothing to do with me but I sometimes find it hard to do coz I just am programmed this way. I need to take a step back and refocus coz I have goals to set and goals to meet. I can't mess it up and waste more time coz God knows how much of it I have left 😂 I sound like I am dying 😂

I'm not. I just love piling shit up into my bucket list that it almost never ends. Speaking of which, I have a few things left to do before the year end and this course coming up is not it 😂

rankings

 I try very hard not to get caught up with the numbers but I can't help it. It's the first thing I see when I open the page. I have also been telling myself that with whatever I had back then and with all that I know now, I am pretty sure I can make this worth my while.....or anyone's, for that matter.

I've also been spending so much time in the studio doing random art. I have different playlists for different things I do. EDM was never my thing growing up. Now, it's the thing that gets me going. I need to refocus myself for a course happening this month. I hope I don't screw up or panic and fallout 😶  I am a bit nervous about it coz I am not at all a social person and I am about to meet new people.......maybe not entirely but I am pretty sure I need to reprogramme my mind back to being a student.......

I have been talking to Shu a lot about fluid dynamics. I need to get myself a central locking system to practise and understand the movements and calculations better. No, it's not sailing 😅 It's just something I've been thinking of doing.....among the million other things I have planned to do. I need to get myself a welding machine. I've been saying that for so long but I never get around to it -_-

I hope LinZy's surgery goes well and I hope this could end her pain once and for all.......

My mind is all over the place.........but Shu said my writing is getting better........ 😁

Parlay hunting

 I finally went to a shop and asked about a sunglasses model I had been eyeing in a while. The guy at the store said that they could order it for me and have the company/ stockist ship it over. It's a game of chance which I can foresee the outcome. Months and months and months of waiting and by the time I really need it, it's not gonna come through. Is it just me or is the courier service in this entire country has f*cked up completely?

The ones we ordered from Amazon months ago had no tracking number whatsoever. It's been about 3 months and I really don't think it's coming -_-

I have been crying a lot. The reasons are obvious but I cannot bring myself to talk about it because it just is and I hate this world so much more than I already do.

My mum finally asked me some weeks ago why is it that I hate living my life. I don't hate my life. I hate being alive in this world. I despise people. Human beings destroy everything. Especially one another. I always believed that everything that happened to the human race especially in the past couple of years is exactly what we deserve. We are gifted with intelligence to put us on top of the food chain but instead of finding solutions to already existing problems, we create more and more problems. So yeah, we deserve all the shit nature (and other things) are throwing at us.

I have also been trying to keep myself occupied with doing so many different things simultaneously. It helps my brain stay sane and away from wanting to destroy this world we live in. I lied. I am always trying clean up whatever environment I am in and I am always trying help others (humans and non-humans) I have been trying to train myself to just do what's right and fuck the rest of the world for not wanting to make things right.

It's tough but I think it's worth it.

2023 into 2024

 One of the major things I have been trying to do in my life is removing people from my life. Not killing them (although I wish I could) but more like disconnecting myself from them. There are certain types of people who simply I cannot tolerate. Most of which are people with negative outlook in basically anything.

I have come across whiners in my life. Usually, I'd try to identify if their intention in starting a conversation with me was to find a solution or a resolution or simple to unload. Once I can identify that, I would then check myself if I am in the right mindset to receive such conversations. Sometimes, if I am not on a stable psychological stage, it's just gonna annoy me or annoy them or both.......basically resulting to a very horrible outcome.

Intention is key. Some people try to approach me with an already established intention. Some people just want validation from other people......which I do not understand why. I don't believe in living up to expectations other than your own. Just make yourself happy and then, we can work on helping others.

Anywho, I do know of some people who simply cannot stand knowing that you are progressing and making developments in your life regardless in whatever aspect it may be. People with bad intentions. People who do not like other people being happy. First and foremost, do NOT be those people. It is quite apparent that these people are usually not happy themselves. At least, that's usually my initial thought on them. Then, they like to ask you how you are doing just to see if you are not having a good time like them.

People like these usually carry on conversations only and if ONLY you reply with a problem you are facing. If you simply state what you are doing and that it is mostly progress, they'd stop the conversation right there because they know you are in a better state of mind and place. They cannot accept it because they are not there. They usually never are. 

Every single thing you do is always negative to them. You cannot let their problems bother you. Instead, you should make them realise that their problem is an actual problem and that they need to get their shit together and make a move on their lives.

So yeah, I have been basically ghosting people in my life and it doesn't bother me anymore. Not like it used to. I think it's coz I like making myself happy and elevated in spirits rather than being bothered by problems that aren't even mine to begin with. It's a really good practise ^_^