hell yeaasss!!!!!

 

I only do it for one reason but getting there usually requires a lot more so I do it anyways.......And I know that I am most likely a NOOB but...... I'M HERE! 😁

living it

Way before Shu and I were married, I did come over to his house here, in this state. It was my first time ever here and I loved it. It was monsoon and the rain never stopped and water levels rose. It was cold and wet and I was having so much fun. I stayed for about 5 days. I remember thinking to myself that "I could totally live here".

After we married, we only ever came back when we were off or there was an important occasion or a long holiday. His old place was by the river. It wasn't really near the town area and everything seemed far. The internet connections and phone service was a little off. It was not the most ideal time and place to be here.

We came back often coz we were always on the islands. Our kids grew fond of the beach and the ocean. We were always on island holidays without fail. And then, his parents sold the old house and moved closer to the beach area. Shit got so much funner after that. We could just take the bike out to catch the sunrise by the beach. It was so peaceful and nice.

After a few years, we decided to just bite the bullet and moved the family out here. He bought the house from his parents and we moved everyone out here. We haven't looked back. It's been a few years now and our kids have slowly picked up the dialect but our BM is still atrocious. We're working on it.

Today, Shu took me out to the beach just before sunset. We wanted to sea how the waves are doing coz it's supposed to be monsoon season already. Shit's been weird and the weather hasn't been the usual. We just stood there by the beach and watched people fishing. Families having picnics. It was just so nice.

Looking back, I remember talking to some people who thought they knew me. They said I could never live out here. I was born a city girl and I could never leave the city life behind. I did. And I am enjoying every second of it. I do go back to the city to shop and maybe take a look around but I will miss home and the beach. 

I also feel a lot free-er here that there are no traffic and skyscrapers hovering my view of the sky. I can breathe and I have been doing a lot more art and writing ever since we moved out here.

monsters in my head

 do you wanna come play?

I am not......wait......I haven't been living in this world....... *laughs* that's nothing new!

I have been putting off so much writing coz my head just can't fucking work anymore. My head is all about drawing and sketching and images and shit........yeah......

It's so weird but despite the colors I keep seeing, everything I have in my head and my hands are black. I need a new perspective. I really suck at sculpting. *laughs* I really do! My damn turtle looked like a burger! 

I have this fascination with stained glass art but I know fo shizzles I'mma cut myself coz I am one clumsy mofo. I can't even burn my candle without getting my finger burnt! *laughs*

I was and always had been stuck on blood splatter. It's like my niche. My blood splatter artwork are my best works. I don't think it's something everyone else would be comfortable with especially if I had a hoodie with blood splatter designs on it walking around in public. I was being very baseline flat with my Halloween costume this year coz we were at a mall and I didn't wanna start a riot. *laughs*

Here's a free design I made........use it however you want. Make it bloodier........ HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

damn it, Riot Games!

 Last night's episodes were really hitting me hard. I was crying the whole time. Damn you! How could you make it so beautiful and almost perfect just to fuck it all up again. You can't do this to people's feelings! I love Jinx! I love Isha! I love what they and Vi and Vander almost had! Damn you, Jayce! Viktor was onto something! Fuck you, Riot Games! I've been crying so much!

He's your dad too........

stained

 I haven't been so addicted to an entire album in a while and for the longest time, I really did not like listening to Linkin Park. I realized that I was getting a little annoyed at Chester's vocals and I just avoided the band completely. Recently, they released a new album and I have it playing on repeat.

 Stained is definitely a fav of mine.

I find that there is something about the vibes and emotions in this album that speaks to me. Ok, maybe it's Emily. Maybe I like her and her vocals actually sends the messages across to the extent that I could actually feel the songs.

I like it.

rant: just telling them bitches to fuck off 😂

 It's so funny that the more people I meet, the more random shit gets, the further I feel from where I've been and everything I used to know seems so far away now. It's like my daily life right now is basically meeting every goal I set for myself. It's not always a win and the goals I set can sometimes be challenging for me to just get it all done at once. The challenges are what makes it fun.

I somehow feel like I cannot ever talk to my family back in KL anymore because it seems as though they live under a rock. They sound like people who watch and believe everything they see on TV. If there was anything they'd ever mention about ever being elsewhere than where they are, it's most likely memories from 10-20 years ago. It's so weird. It's like talking to a bunch of people who never knew the existence of a world outside of where they live.

Everything I have ever done had never made sense to a lot of people just because I like to do what I like and a lot of people don't understand that we are not the same and our goals are different. I don't enjoy doing what they do but I never bothered to say anything about it because I feel like everyone is entitled to their own shit. I do what I like and they can do what they like and we don't have to like the same things just because.

Also, I find a lot of people who "think" that they belong in a certain financial group/category like to "act" in a certain way just to keep up with the Joneses. They don't really have everything they want and they just don't want to have to admit it and shit gets piled up real quick and then, they'd get into a massive depression. It's funny to a certain extent. I'm not laughing coz I think I'm better. I just think they need to get in touch with reality and if they do realize it, no one actually gives a shit about you or what you think or do. 

People say shit. People always say shit. People who don't know you especially, loves saying shit about you and what you do. Nothing ever satisfies them. If you are doing great, it's not good enough. If you're not doing great, you probably are not doing it the "right" way. Not to them, at least. They probably don't even know what the fuck you are actually talking about or what you are going through. But they wanna give their fucking 2 cents anyways coz they think it's worth something.

Honestly, nobody gives a shit about what they think. It's just an opinion. Like those fuckers who'd say shit like "thoughts and prayers". What the fuck does that mean? A psychological telegram that would magically make problems disappear? No, bitch! You gotta work to make it disappear.

So yeah, I chose to set goals and work my way towards checking them off my list and adding more goals later. I don't know what those other people are up to but quite frankly, I don't quite care what ever the fuck they wanna do with their lives 😂 I like to do things that make me happy 😁

14th year anniversary

 Shu and I had been needing an island getaway for sometime now. The school holidays were never a good time for us to go anywhere because there are people everywhere. We like less people and less hectic coz we just wanna play in the sea and enjoy the beach. As soon as the school holidays were over, we packed up our kids and headed out.

The kids enjoy open air boats now as opposed to being on closed up ferries and our drive makes the boat ride quicker to the island by about an hour. We've been doing this quite a bit lately. Also, all 3 of our kids are now able to go snorkeling so our island trips are a whole lot funner now. We spent most of our time in the water fish watching. 

Our trip this time around was fun because the beach was right at our doorstep. The corals were close and we spotted a lot of anemones with clownfish in them. There were other coral reef fish too. We even spotted a couple of baby black tip coral reef sharks. We are all super burnt now 😂 The sunblock lotion couldn't save us no matter how much we use.

I got a lot of bug bites. For some reason, sandflies really like me. There were also tiny, green caterpillars that would drop down from this huge tree near the restaurant area. I was screaming so much coz that mofo fell onto my arm and I was getting sick 🤢 Not from the bugs but I think it was something I ate........

Anywho, our next door neighbour was a Japanese lady. She was travelling alone. Next to her chalet was a chinese couple. Shu said that guy was super excited to get into the water that he was up all night waiting for the right time to go snorkeling. It was so funny. On the other side was an old chinese lady and her daughter. They were headed to Penang after the island.

It was fun. We ended up helping the Japanese lady named Miho get her bus tickets sorted out. Shu thinks she may have gotten her plan mixed up so instead of heading to the Besut Jetty, she ended up back at Merang Jetty. She was trying to get to the airport in Kota Bharu coz she was gonna catch a flight to Kota Kinabalu the next day.

It was so funny. She can hardly speak English and her accent made it very difficult for people to understand. We communicated mostly using Google Translate. We took her out to lunch coz we were all starving and the bus ticketing counter wasn't gonna open till about 2:30pm-ish so we had time. She ended up taking my phone number and I took hers in case she ever was back here and needed help with anything. We got her a bus ticket for 4pm. Hopefully, she made it to the airport tonight.

I think we had so much fun this time around. Ali Imran didn't wanna leave but we had to coz the weekend was coming and people were starting to come in. It would have been too crowded for our liking. We're already planning our next island trip in this next month ^_^ 

Och uti gröne Lunden där dansar ett par

 Den ena var vännen den andra var Jag

This song had been playing over and over in my head. I was working on a new book. Story. What ever you wanna call it. I was getting too overwhelmed with my current book because it was about to get violent and I wasn't in a violent mood. Not yet. I have it all written out in my head. I've been brainstorming too. I kinda know what is going to happen. I just cannot bring myself to write it all out......yet.......

My mind is elsewhere. I think I am distracted or I just have been distracting myself a little too much.

I was creating music on some sound pad thingy. I have to perfect the timing. The songs need to be redone and refined. I've also been reading too. I usually read classics or non-fictions but lately, it's been Lemony Snicket. I spent the entire day yesterday doing art in the studio because it hasn't been as hot as it usually is.

Again. I am distracted and distracting myself. 

I don't know if I need to get away physically or I am just too far away in my head.

I always told my mum that I cannot bring myself to mentally live in this world because it is too depressing and it makes me want to die. I think I have been creating too many worlds in my mind that I have been jumping from one world to the another and now, I am trying to write them all out just to make some space for me to think about the new things that I intend on learning. One of them being blacksmithing. I have yet to build a furnace. 

It's so weird to think that I am going through the same thing I have been going through as a teenager. It's almost as though nothing has changed but yet, everything has. It's so fucking weird.

It's hard to be a social person

 When every damn time someone texts in or calls and starts a conversation with "Hey, how are you?" or "How are the kids? You guys ok?" , they never really mean or care about how you really are. They would sometimes just start a small conversation heading towards wanting to borrow money. It wouldn't be a problem if they were regularly in contact with us. They usually aren't. 

It gets worse when they want to borrow money from you and it usually isn't a small amount and they'd get all aggressive. Making it look like you are a bad person for not wanting to help. It's so weird!

What's even weirder is that they have never been nice to you or your family ever. They'd ask for money like the only people with problems is them. And when you refuse to help (because you too have your problems to deal with), they'd act like you are the enemy. That is the only thing that they'd remember you for. Not all those other times you've helped them.

So yeah, I don't think I like socializing very much. I honestly think that if they'd wanna sell you something is still not half as bad as just asking for money. Believe me, they say borrow but they never pay you back. Like ever. It's so sick to think that people made this a norm. 

I am not on anyone's favourite person list and I really don't care. I like spending my money however I want and if you fucked up your finances because you couldn't fucking control your shit, that is NOT my problem.

Had a little get-together today

 It wasn't for our friends. Shu and I don't have a social life. Our kids do. At the very last minute, they decided to invite their friends over for a Hari Raya gathering. Shu and I had to look for last minute food and drinks. Safiyya invited her best friend from kindergarten with her family over. Yusuf had a friend over. Ali Imran had a friend over who came over with his mum and brother and sister. Yusuf's friend and Ali Imran's friend stayed till 5pm-ish. Everyone else left. We had a lot of leftover food so we gave them to our neighbours coz there was no way we could finish them all.

It was good. Safiyya's friend's parents kinda know us so we were chatting for a bit. We got to know Ali Imran's friend's mom. It was fun. Short but fun.

My mind wandered into the world of chibis while Shu is going to have to prepare more paperwork for upcoming projects. Being adults is fun but not like gaming fun ^_^

Geng Raya 2024

 I think despite everything that's been happening, we've had a pretty successful Ramadhan and Eid. It's been so hot back at home but for some reason, everything had been very smooth sailing for us. We've been taking it easy and things had been pretty laid back for us. We had no problems overcoming minor problems which was close to nothing and everyone whom we thought would cause us problems haven't been causing problems. We kept things simple and we had a happy month ^_^

I've always hated travelling by car to KL but things had been really great. We went shopping. Got all the things we needed. We met everyone we set out to meet this year. It's been a blast! I think we've checked off our list of things to do and all there is left to do is to head home and move forward. I need to get my studio back in shape. I also need to work on courses. Hopefully, I can get my resume together and soon, I can have a new schedule. 

I try to set goals as I go along and so far, I just need to cross the marks in fulfilling those goals because it's just about waiting for the time to arrive. Everything else I should have done in order to get there has already been done. It's just about waiting now. 

Oh yeah, I need to see how our car is doing in the workshop. I really like our old car. Sure, it's a 3.7 litre 4WD but the leather seats with built-in heating and the sunroof and the subwoofer surround sound is just something I don't think I can get from the newer cars today. Also, I hate having to adjust myself to new dimensions of driving new cars. I don't even like driving.

the funny thing about people

 Sometimes.......I spend time and energy giving advice. Usually, whenever I do, it's not for the immediate time and space........I am usually told to just not be useful or helpful because things weren't as bad.......and then, a few years down the road, shit gets bad. I mean really bad.........and for some reason, I still bother to give advice because.....I dunno......I'm just stupid. And it never sticks and they still choose to do something stupid and random........I refuse to be part of it now. If you can cast me aside back then, I am pretty sure I am still viewed as such now..........I refuse to lift a finger to help. That's my stand. You can suck it! 😂 All of you! 😜😄😁

“Everything you can imagine is real.” ― Pablo Picasso

It's true and I truly believe it. That is why this world is depressing and I live in a world of my own. This world lacks imagination. That's why everything you see is monochromatic. It lacks color. It lacks vibrancy. It lacks imagination. Cars. Buildings. Roads. Everything. We have been programmed to follow what is said to be "acceptable". 

They tell me sea monsters aren't real. They say nymphs aren't real but they believe in ghosts. Imagine, something that has already died coming back to life. They believe in zombies and the living dead.

-----------------------------------------------------

Hello world! This is present FidZy saying hello to the past FidZy who posted the above paragraphs. I have not been blogging because my head is not here at the mo. I am currently lost somewhere in the eastern region of the planet. There are Greek twin brothers with green eyes with me and a former bodyguard who is wise and badass. Endless black limos........

Nope, FidZy is not here.......

Goodbye world!

the thin line between born to die and yolo

 I always believed that we were all born to die. It's just a matter of when and where. Not that it matters at all anyway because it will happen. We just don't know it. I also believe that because we can die at any given time, we should live our lives to the fullest. We should do what we want to do because we want to do it and not because we are expected to do it. We live in a society where we make decisions based off of people's expectations and judgements. People will always judge. Doesn't matter whether you do something good or something bad. We do something new or unusual or uncommon and we would get feedbacks and reactions. 

What they don't realize is that it really doesn't matter what they think. I would have done it anyway. Even if it's something I am new to or I am not good at. I can try and try again. I also find that people who are always pessimistic towards anyone else's decisions to doing anything at all are people who don't even try to do anything at all. They don't create. They don't produce. They don't even try anything new and yet, they have the cheek to post a remark or a comment. Our challenge is to ignore them completely. It is a challenge because we live in a day and age where people think they need to comment on every single thing even if they don't know anything about it. Especially when they don't know anything about it. 

I just do what I want and I think it's been going great. What ever I decide to do has already been decided. I would do it anyways regardless what you think. The outcome varies and it's not always rainbows and butterflies but I am happy that I tried. Imagine if I didn't. I'd live my entire life wondering. That would suck.

Married To The Mob

 It is a code of conduct. When we first had a quick family meeting due to a sudden change in circumstance within the house, he quickly learned the ways of the mob and how to stay within the mob based on loyalty. It was funny because he's old enough to understand why certain things had to be done in such a way and he was laughing. It's funny until the time comes for you to know why this matters. I have been married long enough to know when not to open my mouth 😂 Some things just are better kept within the mob.

Anywho, I have been researching on guns because my writing has come to this and I realized that I don't know shit about SMGs and Semi-Autos....... -_-  I was learning about recoils and gauge and range and some other things like bullpups and accurizing....... I know, it's like trying to learn knots when I first started sailing last year all over again......It's a bit overwhelming at this point but I need to learn fast because I cannot delay any more chapters.....

I also decided to look like an anime this year. Kinda resolution..... but not really..... I have a specific anime in mind and she's not that much different looking than myself. I need to work on the hair which is quite difficult to do when it comes to anime hair.

I also got carried away with Canva. It's fucking insane! I am loving the new movie-like book cover I made today ^_^

Ta Dang

 I find that I am mostly attracted to people who have hobbies or skills because they have a passion for the things they love. People who  don't have hobbies or skills bore the living shit out of me. I usually just know that I am about to walk away with absolutely nothing precious to take with me and that I had wasted time. 

I say this because people who have hobbies usually are very focused. They are passionate about what they do and they have gone through the trials and errors enough to tell you how to do it right. That right there is precious information especially if it is something I have never done. 

Sometimes, talking to people like these would evoke a sense of curiosity in me into wanting to try something new. I am not the sharpest tool in the shed and some things are just a bit confusing for me compared to most other people. I do however feel like if I could find a different angle to look at something I really wanna learn, I could actually find a way to acquire such knowledge. 

Anywho, I find myself wanting to spend time with people who are actually interesting rather than people who'd just sit and talk about other people. That isn't something I gravitate towards and I certainly do not care what other people do with their lives and time. 

I have set out a bunch of things I want to do in the next coming months and I hope I have the time and energy and possibly the right people to be able to achieve such things. I'll admit that it's just mostly bucket list stuff but I think if I am gonna die, I might as well die doing something I love.

아프다

 I can't get that song out of my head. I have been writing so many chapters and my song playlist had been on replay and I think today, I woke up wanting to listen to something new. I just need to shift my mood a little because new things are happening and I didn't want to bring the same vibe moving forward. 

I am currently not even at home. Fucking electricity company decided to fuck shit up so I am here but not here. We are getting on with our lives but remotely. We should all just live off-grid by now. Make everything available without having to depend on private companies. It's achievable. We just need to learn a little more about getting it all done. Coz fuck capitalism,right? 

Hahahaha!

We pay for services we're not even getting. What in the actual fuck right? From mobile phone services to basic necessities. It's like nothing works anymore in this country! Tell me why I should pay for shit?