planning ahead

We've been having a lot of talks about a second child.Well,I am in the mode of preparing myself for a second child.Not in the near future but we know for sure that Yusuf cannot be an only child.It won't be fun.

Anywho,we're praying for a girl.We already have a name for her.But in case we get a boy,we've ruled out a few names for him too ^_^

It's April!

I've recently sent in my resignation. I did it coz I can't seem to get the hang of things with my baby just yet. He needs me an awful lot and I can't seem to get as much milk out of myself as he requires if that makes any sense at all. Well,the deal is,in order for me to be away from him in long hours is that I need to have some milk pumped and stored for him till I get home and I can't seem to do that. He drinks a lot. A LOT.

People tell me coz baby boys just are that way. I can't say really coz he's only my first child.Anywho,I'll be jobless for a few months or so until I am able to get things under control. In the meantime, I am using up all my leaves.I mean ALL of it.

The other reason for my leaving is that my account is closing.It's actually more technical than that but to put it into casual words,it is closing down.That would mean that all of us shall be deployed into other accounts since it is the company policy.Having said that,it would and could mean that I might have to go back into shifts which isn't really a problem. My only concern is that I won't be able to work night shifts anymore after this.My son is my priority.

So,the best thing for me to do is to leave.

On that note,I've also began to realize a lot of things having to do with the people I work with or rather,their mentality.I don't know if my husband and I are the only 2 people I know who sees this but when we go to work,it really is just work and nothing more.But the people I work with are a bit strange in the sense that they feel like if we work together,we are considered friends.

Haha........seriously? I may have very few friends but I have my reasons.So anyway,these so called people I work with would have activities I keep having to decline invitations to coz my off days are spent with my family and that is how I like it.It's nice of them to keep me in the loop but really,I have my family.

Sometimes there would be a slight fuss about why I never join in.After a while,I guess it stops.Then,something unexpected happens.I started working a different time doing different things.Yet again,that caused another inconvenience I guess since my job no longer had anything to do with the rest of the team.I began to be the spot of bother to the mass.

Most people began speculating as to what my job role was and why I was doing what I was doing and not doing what I was doing before and so on.The best part is when they'd start complaining.It starts with A complaint. Then,it turns into a huge whining session. "Why haven't I been called up to work at this other department?" "Why doesn't the manager let me transfer?" "Why?" "Why haven't I bothered trying for the post the department is offering?"

WHY?WHY?????

Because........you guys are fucking idiots.Do I look like the manager to you?!Do I look like I am the right channel? DO I LOOK LIKE YOUR BLOODY COUNSELOR?!

I've been dealing with my manager directly all this while and I have gotten the answers I was looking for regardless if they were what I wanted to hear.......or not.At first, I played the nice person who would just sit back and listen.After a while,it gets really tiring.Same shit over and over.I kept asking why they wouldn't just go to the right people to talk about this.Hah! The answer(s) to that question would be along the lines of "Oh they won't listen" or "They'd just turn it back around against us"

Wow! I am quite surprised that I managed to put up with all that for 2 whole years! So yes,I am resigning for the sake of my son and my sanity.It's not about the money,it's not about what I do.It's the people I have to put up with.No wonder my husband almost went crazy the first day he had to deal with managing people! Of course,he is a much stronger person than I am and he is not the type to be all diplomatic about things.

I just wish I had the guts to tell them all that the answer to all of their WHY questions was "becoz.........YOU SUCK" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

what time is it?

Iiiiiiiit's AADVENTURE TIME!!!!!!

I admit it. I am an addict.

Still.......why doesn't my cellphone have a voice recorder? Weird.......

Random. I know.......

Pointless? A little......

I miss home :-/

I am in need of a little change. I am feeling creative and I need to channel it out or I will self destruct. Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I just need to channel it all out ;)

run baby run

Things have been moving pretty fast these days. Yusuf is stronger now. Heavier. So much more that I can hardly hold him up to feed him. He is longer. He can now fit into the bigger clothes he's had since he was born. He knows how to differentiate his parents from other people. He reacts to sounds and lights. Give him a bit more time and he will be able to control his head and limbs. He doesn't sleep as much as he used to. All he wants to do is get up but he can't do it on his own. He prefers sleeping on the bed with us rather than being all alone in his crib.

We have yet to shave his hair and cut his nails.I don't think he can fit his newborn baby diapers much anymore. I mean he still fits into them but it won't be long till his size changes to bigger ones. His new sleeping time has helped me get back into my old sleeping routine. I no longer stay up at night and sleep in the day.

I will miss him a lot once I start working. I really don't want to be away from him especially when he is growing up so fast :'(

Yusuf-ness

This entry will be full of pictures...............................

When Yusuf was born.This was taken in the labor room after he was cleaned.

Yusuf in the MNICU in HKL. We weren't allowed to hold him but we could clean our hands and touch from outside the incubator.

Yusuf's first day outside the nursery. Spent his first night with me in the open ward with other mothers and babies.

Shu holding Yusuf. This is their first picture together.

Yusuf's first picture with his eyes opened.

Yusuf at home, on the bed with us.

My view whenever I feed him.

Sleepin' like a baws.........

Sleeping..........

Sleeping........

BOO!

Yusuf is abah's little boy.

The day we met........

Frozen, I held my breath 
Right from the start
I knew that I'd found a home for my heart.......

I was allowed to hold Yusuf for the very first time on January 28th of 2013. That was exactly a week after he was born. I was the happiest person in the galaxy. I've been waiting for him for so long. I was longing to breastfeed him for so long. It was funny because he and I were trying to adjust to each other.He had never felt my arms before and I was learning to hold on to a newborn.

I stayed at the hospital that night because the hospital wanted me to learn how to cope with him once he gets home. It was quite an experience because I was constantly waking up whenever I heard a baby crying. It wasn't always Yusuf coz there were other babies in the ward. Other babies who were not as lucky as him coz they were all under the UV light despite being able to be with their mothers.

Yusuf recovered. Shu had been going back and forth from TTDI to HKL every single day.Our prayers were answered and Yusuf was discharged, finally. He spent his first night in TTDI and then we moved to Bangi coz my mum's house is full of cats and it may be a problem for Yusuf as he is recovering from lung infection.

My God! I remembered crying so much the night on the day I gave birth. I was so worried about my baby and all I thought about was how it was all my fault. Yusuf came out at 36 weeks of pregnancy. Most babies come out between 38 to 40 weeks. The doctor said he pooped in the womb which may have caused the lung infection in the first place.Babies would only poop in the womb before their due date coz they are stressed.

Anywho, Shu and I are just glad that Yusuf is back home with us now. We spend every single minute of the day watching him sleep and talking to him when he is awake. Shu will spoil him :) I can guarantee that.

birth

I gave birth to a baby boy named Yusuf on January 21st  2013. It was the most beautiful experience. The pain was excruciating at first but as soon as I heard his cry, all the pain was gone. My mum was right. The feeling is indescribable.

Unfortunately, Yusuf was unable to come back home with us. It turns out that he has lung infection and had to be brought to a hospital with equipment that can help him breathe. After making several phone calls, Yusuf's pediatrician was able to get Yusuf a place in HKL. He was rushed with an ambulance there at 2am in the morning. Shu followed him because I was still held back at the hospital.

Yusuf had tubes all over him. His oxygen intake was low. He couldn't even get 80% of oxygen into his body without the help of the machine. I spent the entire night crying. Shu did too. It was horrible because I was waiting for the nurses to bring Yusuf into the ward to be breastfed but instead he was taken further away. We didn't even get to hold him.

Before I was transferred into my room back in the labor room, the nurse brought Yusuf to me just for a kiss on the forehead and then he left.

Shu and I had been visiting him in the hospital everyday. Shu spends a lot of time at the hospital as I need to be confined at home. But I do go to the hospital still because I miss Yusuf and I want to spend time with him. I miss him every single day and I cry for him every night.

We've been praying for him and we just want him to be alright so that he can come home.

He's been recovering and his almost done with his antibiotics. I just want him to be ok :'(

Pain is.........

January 19th 2013 marks the day whereby I have proven myself to be an ultimate failure. I failed as a person and I failed as a friend. I was depressed and under a lot of stress and as much as Shu and I saw it coming, it was just a matter of time till we made the move. We sold Pebbles. She is no longer in our lives.

I cried so badly. I tried not to because I knew that we can no longer accommodate the cats. Space is such a problem and I hate the fact that Shu is constantly cleaning the balcony. Pebbles was Shu's best friend. If there was anyone whom she'd sit on and finds comfort in,it's always Shu. She and I are housemates and she understands the house rules. That's about it.

Every morning at about 6:30am, she'd get hungry so after prayers, I'd feed her. Then, she'd sleep the entire day till about 7pm. And then, she'd get hungry again. Sometimes, she tends to get a bit annoying like when she starts running in and out of the house and bringing dirt and dust all over the place. She tends to be noisy too at times especially when she sees bats or insects inside or outside the house.

Today, I finally had the courage to talk to Shu about it. I know that it hurts him more than it hurts me to let Pebbles go. Shu said her new owner has other Persian cats as well and she seemed to have adjusted herself as soon as she walked into her new home. Shu even called the dude up today asking about how Pebbles is doing. So far, she seems to be fine.

 As much as I was sad to have let her go, I was much more disappointed in myself for putting Pebbles through all this. Shu hated the fact that she wasn't treated as well as she deserved to be treated. It's not like we'd get physical with the cats but the fact that we'd lose our temper and start getting all angry at her is just not something she deserves.

I've never yelled at her or touched her when ever she does something wrong but I feel like she deserves a more comfortable home and that we cannot provide her such. If we didn't love her, we wouldn't have spent over a thousand bucks on stuff for her and Georg.

I was thinking to myself that if we had never met, she wouldn't have had to go through all this and I would have been able to spare myself the pain of losing her. It hurts so much more than having someone died. I was so depressed and sad that I couldn't be alone without shedding a tear. I keep seeing her around the house since I spent the last couple of weeks sleeping out in the lounge with her.

I am so sorry, Pebbles.

44 days countdown

Went to see the Gynea yesterday morning. I felt like I was gonna collapse coz I was rushing for the appointment that I didn't bother eating first. So my blood pressure was a bit low. I've put on another 600g. So overall I have actually put on about 6kg. I think the baby weighs about 1.9kg now. He may sound small but he is definitely filling up space in my tummy. I asked my Gynea about the symptoms and pain I have been going through and she said its normal. I am actually considered to be on the luckier side compared to other pregnant women. My hemoglobin count was less so I was instructed to change my supplements just until I give birth. I am after all a bit on the anemic side.

I still have problems eating red meat and eggs but so far chicken is alright. I have been desperately trying to change my sleeping routine back to the way it was because in the last couple of weeks, I have been sleeping at about 3am and waking up for Subuh prayers and then falling back asleep till just before Zuhr prayers. I am eating much less portions of food but much more frequently throughout the day.I can't sleep on the bed anymore so I have been pretty much on the couch most of the days and nights.

I think if my bodyaches don't go away after giving birth, I may need to schedule an appointment with a chiropractor :-/

35 it is!

Shu and I were in the car and as usual we were looking at random cars on the road and commenting on them. We'd usually begin with how they sound -looking at their exhaust pipes- and then guessing their engine specs and so on. What happened tonight was Shu decided to pass another "mid-life crisis" remark.

SO......what I said next was "I would like to see what you (Shu) would be driving when you hit 30 onwards" And his comeback was "I won't have such problems coz I dress my age........." His theory is that people with mid-life crisis are often people who try to grow up or rather dress up older than they are and halfway through  the growing up process, they decided that they wanted to dress like a younger person again.

A theory is a theory. We have time to see how this will turn out. Haha! I admit to being a bit of an eccentric but at least I am consistent about being eccentric and yes, maybe at some point I may turn out a bit weird to some people but we'll just see how you would turn out ok,Love ;)

53 days and counting

My tummy isn't that huge according to most people but I feel like I am gonna pop real soon. I've heard stories from friends and family about how they did not see the baby coming and the next thing they know, they were rushing to the hospital. I kinda like to not panic or freak out coz I know myself better than anyone and when I do freak out, things could get messy.

My butt hurts. Maybe its coz my pelvic is expanding and so my bones are moving, making way for the coming baby. I am estimating the baby would weigh about 2.5-3kg. I read that the bigger they are, the more pain. Well, labor is pain. It is said to be the most painful of all pain one could ever imagine. I try not to think about it.

I have been trying to keep myself occupied with small chores around the house like cleaning the dishes and doing laundry and ironing clothes. On better days, I would vacuum the floor. I have problems sleeping at night in the last couple of weeks.I can't sleep on the bed anymore so I have been pretty much falling asleep on the couch. My legs hurt when I sleep on beds. No idea why.

I've been watching a lot of animal documentaries lately. They keep me happy. I have been missing my cats. Georg, especially. He's always doing something funny. Pebbles does a lot of strange things. Speaking of cats, we saw 2 kittens downstairs under the abandoned car near the dump area of our house. They look really cute and they must be cold and hungry. Maybe I should bring some food down the next time I ever go down. God knows when that would be.

Anywho, I am still obsessed with laundry and it frustrates me when my clothes does not dry when I want them to :-/

I need to get the baby clothes washed and packed by next week. I should get my overnight bag ready just as much. I have a check up next week and it MIGHT be my last. I am just bracing myself and hoping for the best.

2 years of growing up

I was just talking to Shu the other night about how much the 2 years of being married has changed us and made us grow up eventhough in our minds we are the 16-year-olds we were when we first met. We fought and cried and many things happened to get us to where we are today and yet, our lives are still in the midst of changing again real soon.

Shu managed to not only change himself but changed me as well. I learned what it is to be a wife and to be a Muslim. I have more family members who love me and care for me. I have in-laws who are always looking out for us. I have new siblings who are constantly checking on how we are doing and providing us advice for issues we require some help with. I have family members who are constantly praying for us.

Shu has opened me up to the world of mosques. We can be anywhere and when it is time to pray, we would visit mosques which is something I was not used to. I wasn't sure how to perform certain prayers and he taught me how it is done. He's exposed me to so many ways of learning the religion from scratch.

I made the decision to cover myself up this year only because I realize just how much I love Shu and that the last thing I would ever want to do is to have him suffer more from my sins. We are not perfect and we make mistakes and for as long as we live, we will keep making mistakes but I just want to make sure that if he has to suffer at all, it is not caused by me.

update ^_^

• I have loads of mosquito and insect bites on my arms and legs that I am beginning to look like a leopard.
• I am back to my insomniac self. Actually, I can't sleep due to my inability to breathe properly when I sleep in certain positions. The cramps I get from my legs also wake me from my sleep from time to time which suck.
• I got myself another massage slot today. It's only my second time. I was desperate. The pain from my hips are killing me and it's been creeping up all the way to my neck.
• I met my sister-in-law who is one month (pregnant) ahead of me and her gynea tells her she may have to be induced within the next few weeks. I have about 68 days to go and I am nervous as hell.
• I am about 7 months +- pregnant now and I put on about 6kg. I read that I am supposed to be putting on at least 10kg by the end of my pregnancy but since the gynea says that my baby is fine and is growing according to schedule, I am guessing that things are OK.
• Managed to do a bit more shopping for the baby. I hope we have everything. Someone once told Shu that we have 9 months to prepare ourselves mentally and physically for the arrival of the baby. Once the baby is born, there is no excuse for not being able to adjust ourselves. He has a point.

change

As we get older, our views towards a lot of things change. Most of the time, we hope its for the better. Many years ago, my sister and I would sit somewhere (probably a mamak) and just chat away about our views and opinions about many things pertaining to our lives. We were always in agreement with one another eventhough it may not be up to the same degree. She had always been the humanitarian and I've been an animal lover all my life.

We'd talk about our brothers, our parents, our family and the people that we love. I remember us talking about comfort zones and how difficult it is for one to change and eventually leave one part of their lives in order to move on into the unknown. We were young and still living with our parents and having to sell the house and my dad losing his job was the biggest change we'd ever had to go through because it was all that we've ever known. Alongside that was also the issue of the world of politics which was constantly pestering us as we don't share the same political views with our parents. Either ways, we've always had each other.

Years later, I got married and moved out and started living a completely different life. I was adjusting to a lot of things in the last couple of years and so was my sister. It's funny how I always thought she'd be the first one to marry and not me. Anywho, her decision to further her studies in Australia separated us for a bit and when I got pregnant, I felt like it wasn't the same when I'd go to my mum's and have pregnancy chats and she's not around. Little did I know was that in the couple of years whereby I was busy getting myself adjusted to my new life and all, she too was going through a spiritual path.

When she came back last week, we finally met up and just chatted at a nearby cafe. Yes, we were talking about the changes we were going through. Yes, we are still on the same page. We just have much more difficult problems at hand. Delicate problems. But we are willing to work together on sorting things out for the sake of our family.

The last thing we talked about before calling it a day was how good Shu had been to me as a husband and as great support. She liked the idea that I married my best friend and that marriage didn't change our friendship and instead, it made us open up to one another even more. I hope she'll find someone who will share her dreams and views and would take good care of her ^_^ I love my sister.

for dear life

I am aware that mortality is something we can never fight or predict and should the world end before we'd ever get to meet, I just want to tell you that we had been waiting for you for so long that it feels like forever.
I am willing to go through the pain just to know that you are alright and that I would do anything for you.
We love you with all our hearts even though our brief meetings had only been in dreams.

4D scan

Went for our 6th month check up today. Got a Tetanus shot. My gynea laughed at me for being so blur. Later on, we headed over to a polyclinic in SK to get a 4D scan done. It was exciting! ^_^

moments

• Before I discovered I was pregnant, I thought I was putting weight and that I couldn't fit into my jeans anymore :p
• As my tummy grow bigger, I feel funny whenever I realize that I can't see my toes anymore.
• I have awkward sleeping position issues now that my tummy is so much bigger than before.
• When I first felt the baby kicking, I was sitting on the single chair in the house in Bangi watching TV. I thought my tummy was popping like gastric.
• My baby kicks the hardest when I am about to relax or doze off to sleep.
• Shu has only felt the baby kicking once. It was a really strong kick.
• I cried when I first heard the baby's heartbeat during an ultrasound while I was hospitalized.
• The baby was jumping all the time during the first few times I had an ultrasound.
• My first trimester didn't go too well but everytime I thought I was dying and went to the hospital to check on the baby, he is jumping and fine.

saying goodbye

2 years is most probably the most commitment I have ever given when it comes to work. All seems good on the surface but I am slowly decaying of boredom. I don't know if I did it all myself or if it is someone else's fault but I just need to get away from all this and do something completely new. I feel like my mind cannot expand being there. The same people I encounter would be talking about the same old things no matter how many times I've suggested solutions for them even though I didn't have to.

I seem to have that effect on people. Everyone just stops by at my cubicle and start talking to me about their problems regardless if its work related or personal. At times, I really don't mind but if you come back over and over with the same problem, it tends to get annoying. If a lot of other people have managed to move on, why can't you? I must admit, getting sick and getting things done from home has given me a lot of space for myself and not have to get engaged with annoying conversations anymore.

Again, I am not sure if my decision to leave is solely based on my boredom of working in an office environment or if it is caused by other individuals. Sometimes the lines are blurry. I have my own problems to think about and I just refuse to be found. Hahahaha..........Does that even make sense?

All I know is at this point, I can clearly see that I have absolutely no interest in the world of IT and computers. Most of the time, I know the things regarding computers only because they relate to the things that I do. I am just not interested in getting certificates like ITIL or CCNA. If I was interested in them, I would have gone ahead and spend the last 6 years of my life getting a degree in IT :-/

quench my thirst with gasoline

It's weird how I started playing the guitar back when I was 13 and my influences were mostly pop bands like Hanson and The Moffatts. After that there were Blink 182 and Sum 41 and Greenday and Sugarcult.

When I started going for guitar lessons, I found that my guitar teacher loves Metallica. I'm not talking about just one of my guitar teachers. I'm saying all of them. I mean it's not like we were constantly covering Metallica all the time. There were times we'd play Deep Purple and sometimes some random single from some random band.Well, I like Iron Maiden as well but depending on who my band mates are at the time, I wouldn't be able to play metal music all the time.

Anywho, my world was opened to Metallica when I saw S&M on tv. I was thinking that hey,that's not a bad song at all. Then I got hooked for good. Of course, I discovered other bands along the way like Coheed and Cambria which I super love!!!! Oh! And then, there was Justin Hawkins and The Darkness! After that there were Franz Ferdinand and Black Tide. Woah! I love Black Tide! Not to forget Red Hot Chilli Peppers and Korn and Limp Bizkit and System of a Down and Incubus.........

Baby name

Although we have already thought of the baby name(s) long before I got pregnant, last weekend, Shu's family finally found out what our baby's name is ^_^ and everyone loves it.