Yusuf's hospital trip

I don't know how to explain it but I think it's coz my son was born with a condition, Shu and I became very VERY overprotective over him. People always say "It's ok,he's gonna be fine" Well,I don't think we would wanna risk anything. It's hard enough to go through 10 days (or more) after birth without being able to hold him and just watch him from outside the incubator in the NICU. I've decided to not risk anything when it comes to him.
I will take care of him.
I will feed him even when I am tired.
I will entertain him.
I will pray for his well being.
I will learn to understand him in times when we are unsure of what's happening with him.
I had cousins who says things like "Our kids were all born early and spent 6 weeks in the incubator" Well, my son was born with lung infection and there were times when he couldn't breathe. He was constantly on the oxygen support so I don't think that our situations are in the slightest bit similar in any way.
I told Shu that I don't trust daycares and even with a maid, I wasn't about to let her juggle between taking care of Yusuf and doing housework.
I've had times when I would come out in the middle of bathing just to feed him coz he's crying. There were occasions when I'd be praying and he cries so I'd stop and calm him down and then start praying all over again.
I'm not complaining. I'll do it for his sake.Until he is stable enough and strong enough, I'll be on my toes for him.

awesome possum

Weekends are usually fun but tiring coz sometimes we'd wake up super early in the morning just to make the most of it and then we'd be out all day and then we'd be home by nightfall. Other times, we'd just laze around at home and play video games or clean the house or maybe just run out to get some groceries.

Speaking of groceries, I am yet again OBSESSED with groceries.  It's weird that growing up, my favorite time spent with my mum would always be grocery shopping and I could memorize the items and aisles. Now, I seem to still love doing it but lately, I've began making lists of the price of things we'd buy and compare them between the hypermarkets/supermarkets around.

I used to be obsessed with laundry but eversince we got someone to do it, I kinda not do it much anymore. I should get back into the habit of cleaning my clothes myself. It liberates my soul. Hahahahahaha!!!!!!!

When I was pregnant, I used to have problems sleeping at night and sometimes, my cure or rather thing to do to past time is to clean the toilet floor. It's weird.........

wedding bells?

OOOH! LIFE!!!! >.<

Despite the chaos this country has been going through, I do pray that what ever the outcome may be,it is for the best. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and I pray that we all have faith in God.

Speaking of everything happening for a reason, I did receive some good news about some people I love getting pregnant. It is wonderful news! I can't begin to express how happy it makes me feel inside!!!

Also, Yusuf recently got a new cousin who is all the way in JB ^_^ Can't wait to see her!

And last but not least, I do pray that this will indeed end well for I always feel that something good such as marriage is a sacred thing to do. I do hope that my parents will find the light in all of this. It is always a happy moment to receive new family members.

house hunting?!!

Hahaha! Lately, we've been looking at houses AGAIN. My husband is looking for a house with a bit of land. No, won't be selling off this condo. We would most likely rent it out. Anywho, we were in Nilai the other day just lookin' around thinking that I might have to move for my new job and all. I love some of the houses. They have very unique designs and layouts and DUH it definitely is cheaper than here! But of course, I had my eyes on the 1.3 million Ringgit house :p It comes with a swimming pool!!!!

We're still looking.........and then, we got side tracked........by the idea of getting a bigger car since our current car is all full of stuff. We have Yusuf's stroller occupying 60% of the boot and Yusuf's car seat in the back. I love our current car but then, we thought.......how about getting a Hummer?! WOAH!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Insanity strikes! I ain't payin a 6 liter SUV road tax! The idea of a bigger car is a good plan but not the Hummer.

It's been weird for me lately especially since I began getting attached to a certain TV Show. I watch cartoons and animes. Not TV Shows. Waiting for a new season sucks. It's like being stuck in space until the new season is released. How the hell did I get here?!!!!

I FINALLY managed to get a haircut!!!!! I thought it would take forever that my hair would end up all over the place when ever I walk around the house.It's short now. Also, the post pregnancy hair loss is annoying me.

It's been really, really, really warm these days. Lately may not be as warm as before but it is warm and it just so happens that my son does not do well in warm weather. He's all red and sweaty and he'd get all annoyed. He bathes 3 times a day and just before bed, we'd have to make sure he is wiped clean with warm water before getting his last diaper change for the day.

The past few weeks have been pretty tiring and fast moving. I hardly leave the house on weekdays. Oh wait, I never leave the house on weekdays.My life is basically revolved around my son.And yet again, I am being spoiled by Mar.She makes sure I eat rice at least once a day coz I have to feed Yusuf. I must say, breastfeeding has motivated me to eat healthier food these days. I'm still a junkaholic but not as bad as before.

I was hanging out with one of my husband's nieces back when we were in Terengganu. She likes Yusuf a lot and they converse with another from time to time.She said she wanted to trade Yusuf with her youngest brother so that she can eat Yusuf. It was funny. She was doing a bit of writing with me. Maybe next time I should bring a whole lot of papers and some toxic-free crayons and we can all have a good doodle time together. Me and all of Yusuf's cousins. Yeah, we should do that...........

PCTFD

Ya know......with all the elections coming up and stuff,I feel like I get more and more annoyed by FB. I mean yeah I am aware that when it comes to elections, campaigning is definitely something unavoidable but when it gets a bit too much, it gets annoying.

Here's how I see it. This event affects everyone coz it could make a drastic change especially when it comes to helping out the needy and of course, knowing that our tax is well spent. I have my stand and I know which direction I would want my country to head to. And yes, I do talk about it with my family and all but let's just  face it, even within a family, not all of us are looking at this the same way and its fine coz I respect their opinions and point of views.

And yes, we have supporters who are campaigning online and stuff. I totally think that its definitely a step up from how it's been done before. Kudos for that. Yey! And again, not everyone is seeing eye to eye on this which is cool coz that's what makes us all different anyways.

What I don't get is that (typically) when rivals come head to head, they each have their own goals and stuff. It's up to us to either accept it or not. Having said that, I can't seem to make sense of it all when the supporters from both sides begin behaving just as bad as the other. So you say A is not a good at ruling coz he's done all this crap and so on and so forth, well, OK, it is time for a change then. But how the hell would that statement convince me when you are behaving the same damn way A is behaving!

The changes you propose are supposed to make things better but it ain't lookin' no better when you start dissing the same way.Not cool AT ALL.It's like we're deciding between 2 sides of the same coin.WTF?!

Again,it's probably a mentality issue.A major issue most Malaysians are facing. I honestly do not have anything against the candidates but I do hope that they can just tell their supporters to CALM THE FUCK DOWN! We're all in this and we're all rooting for a change and we've all been paying our taxes the same way so just please,let's not get things out of control and stay calm.

I do wonder if there would ever be a major change where social problem is concerned. Just trying to do what's best for my kid :)

random shenannigans

I haven't been quite myself lately.
I don't know if it's coz I have nothing much to do or if I have a bit too much on my mind.
Either ways,I have been drowning my so called "lost" self into playtime and bath time and feeding time with Yusuf.
He brings much joy to me.
He speaks now.........in a language which only I can understand.
He's currently in a phase where he is testing his screams. It gets pretty loud. He recently discovered that screaming in small spaces such as in a vehicle or in a department store is fun to do. Of course it is!
And he also discovered that playing with drool is so much fun especially when he is able to tilt his head forward and let his drool get all over his shirt and the arm of the person who holds him and best of all,the floor.
Sometimes, I'd feed him and at some point, he'd play around and later starts choking on his saliva and milk. Of course, I'd have to bring him upwards and pat his back till he is able to breathe again.
He loves bath time and splashing around in the tub.
He loves getting all his clothes off except for his diapers and mittens and booties.
I can tell that once he is able to get up (crawl or walk or run) I may need to put a bell on him.

death

On Sunday night,on our way back from my aunt's place in Subang,we stopped by for some food at some gas station. All of a sudden, my husband received a call from one of the guys at work. He asked where my husband was and what he was doing at the time. He asked if my husband had read the WhatsApp message he sent. It turned out that one of the boys at his workplace had passed away that evening.

It was a shocking news to not just my husband but to me as well.I still remember my husband's reaction at the time. He was out of words. He may not have been the best of friends with the boy who died but I could tell that he couldn't accept the news very well.I may not know this boy but everytime my husband comes home and talks about work,he never fails to mention this boy regardless if its a negative or a positive note.

He was only 23. He rode on his superbike on Saturday night on his way back from dinner with his friends. The accident happened on Jalan Mahameru.It was reported that a white Myvi ran into him and drove off.It was a nasty accident as the Myvi's bumper broke and one of the half of the bumper was on the road.The impact was so hard that the boy was thrown on to the road on the other side where the traffic was heading from the opposite direction. He failed to get off the road coz another  car crashed into him.

His injuries was irreparable. His right leg almost came off. His internal organs were not working that what ever the medical officers tried to put into his system did not get through.His body rejected everything-water,blood,medication.At the time,the boy remembered his father's phone number. He was taken to HKL. He couldn't survive and at almost 7pm on Sunday,he died.

Yesterday,my husband and his manager went over to see his parents and returned all of the boy's belongings. My husband said his parents were still crying.It was even sadder when his mom saw the box with her late son's name on it.I cannot imagine the pain she was going through.It was a sad,sad moment and I can't help but feel like his death was not a justified death. I know that as a Muslim,we must accept fate but I am sad.Truly sad for what's happened to the boy.

being parents

My husband once said "Usually,whenever I walk in a mall and I see parents....they're always doing weird things.But now that I am a dad,I am doing just the same weird things........." And then,when we were on the hunt for the right stroller for Yusuf,we began to realize that there are just so many kids on strollers being pushed around the mall. My husband once accidentally pushed Yusuf and his stroller into a pillar coz he was too busy looking at this one chomel baby in a stroller. What's even weirder was that I was walking ahead of them at the time and I too was looking at that same chomel baby.

Haha.........

Having a baby is like a dream.The pregnancy seemed like forever and when we (Yusuf and I) finally meet,it's like we've been the best of friends since forever.We have our own way of communicating.We understand eachother and now that Yusuf is beginning to see his surroundings,it's hard to not look at his reaction to everything.It's hard to be apart when I spend my every waking (and sleeping) moment with him.My whole world has changed from my sleeping and waking hours to my decision with work.I am constantly looking out  for him and listening extra careful (whenever I am outside while he is asleep in the bedroom) to him just to make sure he is alright.

This is by far the biggest responsibility I have ever had to carry and honestly,I've never been much of the type of person who is up for any form of responsibilities.Seriously, I am like fixated on Yusuf.I wonder if most parents are like this with their first baby.

planning ahead

We've been having a lot of talks about a second child.Well,I am in the mode of preparing myself for a second child.Not in the near future but we know for sure that Yusuf cannot be an only child.It won't be fun.

Anywho,we're praying for a girl.We already have a name for her.But in case we get a boy,we've ruled out a few names for him too ^_^

It's April!

I've recently sent in my resignation. I did it coz I can't seem to get the hang of things with my baby just yet. He needs me an awful lot and I can't seem to get as much milk out of myself as he requires if that makes any sense at all. Well,the deal is,in order for me to be away from him in long hours is that I need to have some milk pumped and stored for him till I get home and I can't seem to do that. He drinks a lot. A LOT.

People tell me coz baby boys just are that way. I can't say really coz he's only my first child.Anywho,I'll be jobless for a few months or so until I am able to get things under control. In the meantime, I am using up all my leaves.I mean ALL of it.

The other reason for my leaving is that my account is closing.It's actually more technical than that but to put it into casual words,it is closing down.That would mean that all of us shall be deployed into other accounts since it is the company policy.Having said that,it would and could mean that I might have to go back into shifts which isn't really a problem. My only concern is that I won't be able to work night shifts anymore after this.My son is my priority.

So,the best thing for me to do is to leave.

On that note,I've also began to realize a lot of things having to do with the people I work with or rather,their mentality.I don't know if my husband and I are the only 2 people I know who sees this but when we go to work,it really is just work and nothing more.But the people I work with are a bit strange in the sense that they feel like if we work together,we are considered friends.

Haha........seriously? I may have very few friends but I have my reasons.So anyway,these so called people I work with would have activities I keep having to decline invitations to coz my off days are spent with my family and that is how I like it.It's nice of them to keep me in the loop but really,I have my family.

Sometimes there would be a slight fuss about why I never join in.After a while,I guess it stops.Then,something unexpected happens.I started working a different time doing different things.Yet again,that caused another inconvenience I guess since my job no longer had anything to do with the rest of the team.I began to be the spot of bother to the mass.

Most people began speculating as to what my job role was and why I was doing what I was doing and not doing what I was doing before and so on.The best part is when they'd start complaining.It starts with A complaint. Then,it turns into a huge whining session. "Why haven't I been called up to work at this other department?" "Why doesn't the manager let me transfer?" "Why?" "Why haven't I bothered trying for the post the department is offering?"

WHY?WHY?????

Because........you guys are fucking idiots.Do I look like the manager to you?!Do I look like I am the right channel? DO I LOOK LIKE YOUR BLOODY COUNSELOR?!

I've been dealing with my manager directly all this while and I have gotten the answers I was looking for regardless if they were what I wanted to hear.......or not.At first, I played the nice person who would just sit back and listen.After a while,it gets really tiring.Same shit over and over.I kept asking why they wouldn't just go to the right people to talk about this.Hah! The answer(s) to that question would be along the lines of "Oh they won't listen" or "They'd just turn it back around against us"

Wow! I am quite surprised that I managed to put up with all that for 2 whole years! So yes,I am resigning for the sake of my son and my sanity.It's not about the money,it's not about what I do.It's the people I have to put up with.No wonder my husband almost went crazy the first day he had to deal with managing people! Of course,he is a much stronger person than I am and he is not the type to be all diplomatic about things.

I just wish I had the guts to tell them all that the answer to all of their WHY questions was "becoz.........YOU SUCK" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

what time is it?

Iiiiiiiit's AADVENTURE TIME!!!!!!

I admit it. I am an addict.

Still.......why doesn't my cellphone have a voice recorder? Weird.......

Random. I know.......

Pointless? A little......

I miss home :-/

I am in need of a little change. I am feeling creative and I need to channel it out or I will self destruct. Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I just need to channel it all out ;)

run baby run

Things have been moving pretty fast these days. Yusuf is stronger now. Heavier. So much more that I can hardly hold him up to feed him. He is longer. He can now fit into the bigger clothes he's had since he was born. He knows how to differentiate his parents from other people. He reacts to sounds and lights. Give him a bit more time and he will be able to control his head and limbs. He doesn't sleep as much as he used to. All he wants to do is get up but he can't do it on his own. He prefers sleeping on the bed with us rather than being all alone in his crib.

We have yet to shave his hair and cut his nails.I don't think he can fit his newborn baby diapers much anymore. I mean he still fits into them but it won't be long till his size changes to bigger ones. His new sleeping time has helped me get back into my old sleeping routine. I no longer stay up at night and sleep in the day.

I will miss him a lot once I start working. I really don't want to be away from him especially when he is growing up so fast :'(

Yusuf-ness

This entry will be full of pictures...............................

When Yusuf was born.This was taken in the labor room after he was cleaned.

Yusuf in the MNICU in HKL. We weren't allowed to hold him but we could clean our hands and touch from outside the incubator.

Yusuf's first day outside the nursery. Spent his first night with me in the open ward with other mothers and babies.

Shu holding Yusuf. This is their first picture together.

Yusuf's first picture with his eyes opened.

Yusuf at home, on the bed with us.

My view whenever I feed him.

Sleepin' like a baws.........

Sleeping..........

Sleeping........

BOO!

Yusuf is abah's little boy.

The day we met........

Frozen, I held my breath 
Right from the start
I knew that I'd found a home for my heart.......

I was allowed to hold Yusuf for the very first time on January 28th of 2013. That was exactly a week after he was born. I was the happiest person in the galaxy. I've been waiting for him for so long. I was longing to breastfeed him for so long. It was funny because he and I were trying to adjust to each other.He had never felt my arms before and I was learning to hold on to a newborn.

I stayed at the hospital that night because the hospital wanted me to learn how to cope with him once he gets home. It was quite an experience because I was constantly waking up whenever I heard a baby crying. It wasn't always Yusuf coz there were other babies in the ward. Other babies who were not as lucky as him coz they were all under the UV light despite being able to be with their mothers.

Yusuf recovered. Shu had been going back and forth from TTDI to HKL every single day.Our prayers were answered and Yusuf was discharged, finally. He spent his first night in TTDI and then we moved to Bangi coz my mum's house is full of cats and it may be a problem for Yusuf as he is recovering from lung infection.

My God! I remembered crying so much the night on the day I gave birth. I was so worried about my baby and all I thought about was how it was all my fault. Yusuf came out at 36 weeks of pregnancy. Most babies come out between 38 to 40 weeks. The doctor said he pooped in the womb which may have caused the lung infection in the first place.Babies would only poop in the womb before their due date coz they are stressed.

Anywho, Shu and I are just glad that Yusuf is back home with us now. We spend every single minute of the day watching him sleep and talking to him when he is awake. Shu will spoil him :) I can guarantee that.

birth

I gave birth to a baby boy named Yusuf on January 21st  2013. It was the most beautiful experience. The pain was excruciating at first but as soon as I heard his cry, all the pain was gone. My mum was right. The feeling is indescribable.

Unfortunately, Yusuf was unable to come back home with us. It turns out that he has lung infection and had to be brought to a hospital with equipment that can help him breathe. After making several phone calls, Yusuf's pediatrician was able to get Yusuf a place in HKL. He was rushed with an ambulance there at 2am in the morning. Shu followed him because I was still held back at the hospital.

Yusuf had tubes all over him. His oxygen intake was low. He couldn't even get 80% of oxygen into his body without the help of the machine. I spent the entire night crying. Shu did too. It was horrible because I was waiting for the nurses to bring Yusuf into the ward to be breastfed but instead he was taken further away. We didn't even get to hold him.

Before I was transferred into my room back in the labor room, the nurse brought Yusuf to me just for a kiss on the forehead and then he left.

Shu and I had been visiting him in the hospital everyday. Shu spends a lot of time at the hospital as I need to be confined at home. But I do go to the hospital still because I miss Yusuf and I want to spend time with him. I miss him every single day and I cry for him every night.

We've been praying for him and we just want him to be alright so that he can come home.

He's been recovering and his almost done with his antibiotics. I just want him to be ok :'(

Pain is.........

January 19th 2013 marks the day whereby I have proven myself to be an ultimate failure. I failed as a person and I failed as a friend. I was depressed and under a lot of stress and as much as Shu and I saw it coming, it was just a matter of time till we made the move. We sold Pebbles. She is no longer in our lives.

I cried so badly. I tried not to because I knew that we can no longer accommodate the cats. Space is such a problem and I hate the fact that Shu is constantly cleaning the balcony. Pebbles was Shu's best friend. If there was anyone whom she'd sit on and finds comfort in,it's always Shu. She and I are housemates and she understands the house rules. That's about it.

Every morning at about 6:30am, she'd get hungry so after prayers, I'd feed her. Then, she'd sleep the entire day till about 7pm. And then, she'd get hungry again. Sometimes, she tends to get a bit annoying like when she starts running in and out of the house and bringing dirt and dust all over the place. She tends to be noisy too at times especially when she sees bats or insects inside or outside the house.

Today, I finally had the courage to talk to Shu about it. I know that it hurts him more than it hurts me to let Pebbles go. Shu said her new owner has other Persian cats as well and she seemed to have adjusted herself as soon as she walked into her new home. Shu even called the dude up today asking about how Pebbles is doing. So far, she seems to be fine.

 As much as I was sad to have let her go, I was much more disappointed in myself for putting Pebbles through all this. Shu hated the fact that she wasn't treated as well as she deserved to be treated. It's not like we'd get physical with the cats but the fact that we'd lose our temper and start getting all angry at her is just not something she deserves.

I've never yelled at her or touched her when ever she does something wrong but I feel like she deserves a more comfortable home and that we cannot provide her such. If we didn't love her, we wouldn't have spent over a thousand bucks on stuff for her and Georg.

I was thinking to myself that if we had never met, she wouldn't have had to go through all this and I would have been able to spare myself the pain of losing her. It hurts so much more than having someone died. I was so depressed and sad that I couldn't be alone without shedding a tear. I keep seeing her around the house since I spent the last couple of weeks sleeping out in the lounge with her.

I am so sorry, Pebbles.

44 days countdown

Went to see the Gynea yesterday morning. I felt like I was gonna collapse coz I was rushing for the appointment that I didn't bother eating first. So my blood pressure was a bit low. I've put on another 600g. So overall I have actually put on about 6kg. I think the baby weighs about 1.9kg now. He may sound small but he is definitely filling up space in my tummy. I asked my Gynea about the symptoms and pain I have been going through and she said its normal. I am actually considered to be on the luckier side compared to other pregnant women. My hemoglobin count was less so I was instructed to change my supplements just until I give birth. I am after all a bit on the anemic side.

I still have problems eating red meat and eggs but so far chicken is alright. I have been desperately trying to change my sleeping routine back to the way it was because in the last couple of weeks, I have been sleeping at about 3am and waking up for Subuh prayers and then falling back asleep till just before Zuhr prayers. I am eating much less portions of food but much more frequently throughout the day.I can't sleep on the bed anymore so I have been pretty much on the couch most of the days and nights.

I think if my bodyaches don't go away after giving birth, I may need to schedule an appointment with a chiropractor :-/

35 it is!

Shu and I were in the car and as usual we were looking at random cars on the road and commenting on them. We'd usually begin with how they sound -looking at their exhaust pipes- and then guessing their engine specs and so on. What happened tonight was Shu decided to pass another "mid-life crisis" remark.

SO......what I said next was "I would like to see what you (Shu) would be driving when you hit 30 onwards" And his comeback was "I won't have such problems coz I dress my age........." His theory is that people with mid-life crisis are often people who try to grow up or rather dress up older than they are and halfway through  the growing up process, they decided that they wanted to dress like a younger person again.

A theory is a theory. We have time to see how this will turn out. Haha! I admit to being a bit of an eccentric but at least I am consistent about being eccentric and yes, maybe at some point I may turn out a bit weird to some people but we'll just see how you would turn out ok,Love ;)

53 days and counting

My tummy isn't that huge according to most people but I feel like I am gonna pop real soon. I've heard stories from friends and family about how they did not see the baby coming and the next thing they know, they were rushing to the hospital. I kinda like to not panic or freak out coz I know myself better than anyone and when I do freak out, things could get messy.

My butt hurts. Maybe its coz my pelvic is expanding and so my bones are moving, making way for the coming baby. I am estimating the baby would weigh about 2.5-3kg. I read that the bigger they are, the more pain. Well, labor is pain. It is said to be the most painful of all pain one could ever imagine. I try not to think about it.

I have been trying to keep myself occupied with small chores around the house like cleaning the dishes and doing laundry and ironing clothes. On better days, I would vacuum the floor. I have problems sleeping at night in the last couple of weeks.I can't sleep on the bed anymore so I have been pretty much falling asleep on the couch. My legs hurt when I sleep on beds. No idea why.

I've been watching a lot of animal documentaries lately. They keep me happy. I have been missing my cats. Georg, especially. He's always doing something funny. Pebbles does a lot of strange things. Speaking of cats, we saw 2 kittens downstairs under the abandoned car near the dump area of our house. They look really cute and they must be cold and hungry. Maybe I should bring some food down the next time I ever go down. God knows when that would be.

Anywho, I am still obsessed with laundry and it frustrates me when my clothes does not dry when I want them to :-/

I need to get the baby clothes washed and packed by next week. I should get my overnight bag ready just as much. I have a check up next week and it MIGHT be my last. I am just bracing myself and hoping for the best.

2 years of growing up

I was just talking to Shu the other night about how much the 2 years of being married has changed us and made us grow up eventhough in our minds we are the 16-year-olds we were when we first met. We fought and cried and many things happened to get us to where we are today and yet, our lives are still in the midst of changing again real soon.

Shu managed to not only change himself but changed me as well. I learned what it is to be a wife and to be a Muslim. I have more family members who love me and care for me. I have in-laws who are always looking out for us. I have new siblings who are constantly checking on how we are doing and providing us advice for issues we require some help with. I have family members who are constantly praying for us.

Shu has opened me up to the world of mosques. We can be anywhere and when it is time to pray, we would visit mosques which is something I was not used to. I wasn't sure how to perform certain prayers and he taught me how it is done. He's exposed me to so many ways of learning the religion from scratch.

I made the decision to cover myself up this year only because I realize just how much I love Shu and that the last thing I would ever want to do is to have him suffer more from my sins. We are not perfect and we make mistakes and for as long as we live, we will keep making mistakes but I just want to make sure that if he has to suffer at all, it is not caused by me.